<p>Similar situation here…S met girlfriend in his first real semester (Spring '06).
He had spent his Katrina semester elsewhere. They started dating early in the semester…turns out they’re both from the same area, but “met” in New Orleans. As a freshman and a guy who really didn’t have much experience with romance in high school, I was concerned at first as well…
whether he’d meet enough people, try enough new things, etc.</p>
<p>Turns out she’s the best thing that happened to him. He’s a shy guy and she’s very outgoing. She has made a huge difference in widening his circle. Plus she’s also a stellar student as well, so a good role model for a focus on academics. So, I concur with others who commented about the value of the committed relationship vs multiple one-time encounters.</p>
<p>Who knows how long it will last, but S seems as happy as I’ve ever seen him. Can’t argue with that.</p>
<p>My husband’s parents were a little worried when he (a sophomore) started dating me (a senior) but they needn’t have worried–his grades went up cause I was a “good influence.” :)</p>
<p>So I would have your son reassure you that the new gf is a good student, and have the sex talk if you haven’t yet, and then let go and be happy for him.</p>
<p>A close friend of mine met her first husband the first week on campus at one of those Boston area colleges. They married at the end of her sophomore year – and were married for 10 years. It happens … a LOT!</p>
<p>“* the money talk is not about avoiding sex, but what unprotected sex can potentially cost in money and career choices. It’s pretty effective. It’s not emotional, it’s financial.”</p>
<p>You could also throw in the line that I used on my son when he had his first real girlfriend: In our society, a woman can’t be forced to become a parent against her will. But a guy can.</p>
<p>ROFL, driver! But, putting your D and BF’s situation aside completely for the sake of this discussion, isn’t it also <em>possible</em> that an unintended side benefit to your so-called hedonistic tendencies was a broader exposure to many people, their personalities, motivations, strengths and weaknesses? Isn’t it possible that it’s not an accident that things turned out so well for you? Just throwing it out there. </p>
<p>Talking in general now, it’s very easy to sustain a relationship through the college years, but take the same exact couple and it’s not always going to be the same in the “real world” with all the added responsibilities that go along with it. Another little observation I’ve made about people is that they tend to become <em>more</em> of whatever they are going to be with each passing year. Often, that’s not as obvious earlier on. </p>
<p>Not intending to be a cynic or down on romance, here (quite the opposite in fact), but I tend to be pretty pragmatic about these things. I personally would advise my own kids (NOT in the context of a current relationship but planting a seed for thought) that it’s better to have a little more dating experience, is all. I have just seen too many examples of this go the other way, big time. </p>
<p>Again, there are many happy exceptions to all of this, including for some of you right here who did not want to take the risk of letting a perfectly terrific person get away for the sake of that experience!</p>
<p>Here’s an update as according to a talk on the phone with son last night. They are still together and he wants to bring her home for fall break! Luckily the guest room is two floors away from son’s. The GF’s parents don’t know anything about him yet and even though she is going home next weekend, she doesn’t plan to tell them. That makes me wonder if she would even tell them if she’s coming here. She is over 18. Now how would you all feel about “that” ? Thanks.</p>
<p>I would assume that if my child, had a “special friend” who didn’t want to tell her parents that she was staying at a boyfriends house, that she had a good reason.
I trust my childs judgement, and that then would extend to their friends to a point. I don’t know the other parents, and while if it was a serious thing, I would of course want to meet them, but I would at least intially allow the young people to decide the setting and the pace.
after all it is their life, not mine.</p>
<p>Sounds like a red flag. Possible explanations: parents wouldn’t like boyfriend’s religion or differing ethnicity, or the fact that she has a boyfriend at all. Or else she doesn’t consider it to be “serious” enough to warrent telling them and putting up with their reaction or speculation.</p>
<p>They are the same religion , a first for son and I would guess her reason is that she will get flack if she told them how soon they got together, which was basically the same as my reaction. But I dont feel too good about having her here if her parents don’t know.</p>
<p>She is over 18. She does not need her parents’ permission, and neither do you. You never know what kind of relationship she has with them. If an 18 years old girl is willing to go to visit BF on fall break her freshman year, but does not want to tell her parents that she has a boyfriend, she probably has a good reason.</p>
<p>It would be such a good opportunity for you to get to know her/see how she and your son interact! Why would you want to miss it? Leave it to her to deal with her family for now.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry over whether girl has told her parents she is visiting. When my kids bring home friends from college I don’t usually ask if their parents know that they are visiting. If she in fact hasn’t told them (and you know that), I wouldn’t read much into it–it may be nothing more than she doesn’t want to explain a boyfriend over the phone or perhaps they don’t like her leaving campus.</p>
<p>A friend of mine found out her son was visiting a girl at a different school when she received cell phone bill and his calls for several weekends had originations in a strange locale :).</p>
<p>It’s awfully fast for a close relationship to develop. One wonders if they are medicating homesickness. Still, I know a few couples who met the first day of college and are together decades ;ater. The girl not mentioning the situation to her parents is a little troubling. </p>
<p>As a parent I’d be welcoming but stay neutral – don’t start treating her like a daughter-in-law yet. That might sound strange but I know parents who have done this, inviting the girlfriend or boyfriend on a family vacation, even springing for a hotel room for the couple when their visit coincided w/ the parents’ travel. (The parents felt a little silly four months later when the relationship ended.) Just remember, there will be time for all that later, with current gf or a future one.</p>
<p>Oh, I have an innocuous explanation. I like to call it the “six month rule.” My 'rents don’t hear anything about current b/fs or guys that I’m dating until we’ve been together for six months. Why, you ask? Because every time I go on two consecutive dates with a guy, they start asking if he’s “The One” and other obnoxiousness. (FYI: it makes it very, very difficult to then try to explain if the relationship isn’t going well… they’re just on a completely different page, so they are horrible for advice. I’m not trying to salvage a marriage, just trying to decide if the guy is worth dating.)</p>
<p>As a result, my parents don’t hear about my dates. They will hear more when they get with the programme, which is that I can date someone, enjoy his company, but not want to marry him… or not be sure if I’m serious about him.</p>
<p>Second part is the racial issue. My friends joke that I date the United Nations… everything from linen & Ralph-Lauren wearing WASPs to Hispanics, Indians, black men, and men with hot accents… all in the past year. In short, colour-blind dating. My parents have a New England segregationalist mentality going on - they don’t want to admit that they are racist, but they aren’t used to being around minorities, so they are uncomfortable with me dating one.</p>
<p>My mom made me physically ill when she said that I was dating out of rebellion. “Oh, your cousin did the same thing when she was your age. She only dated black men.” So when I date hyper-intelligent, considerate men who treat me well - regardless of the melatonin content of their epidermis - it’s rebellion. She recently threw me at a guy who was flirting with me because, “Honey, I know that his race is a new thing for you, but he’s cute.” (Note that if you ever tell your kid that someone’s largest selling point was that his distant ancestors spent enough time in northern climes so that their skin adjusts so as to produce more Vitamin D, she’s not going to think he’s a catch. Really, why waste time on a date when I could eat mac & cheese on the couch?) The end result is that, whether someone be white (“Ooh, finally, a white guy!”) or non-white (“You’re going through a rebellious phase,”), my parents don’t hear about him because I have better things to do with my time than listen to racist drivel.</p>
<p>Yeah, waiting for my parents to act like adults before they learn about my love life.</p>
<p>I started dating a high school friend shortly after graduation after learning that we would be attending the same college. Coincidentally, we were assigned to the same dorm.</p>
<p>We transferred to another school together two years later, and broke up six months after graduation.</p>
<p>I have no regrets. She was a very positive influence on me, academically.</p>
<p>I met my wife on the first day of law school (although it was another dozen years before we first dated).</p>
<p>When I was an 18 year old freshman (25 years ago–yikes), I went home with my boyfriend to visit his family. I did not tell my parents because they would have forbidden me to go. I was a legal adult in the state of Texas, but they were paying for college. The relationship was very innocent and I dated him for about a year only. It was common for students to go home for the weekend with friends and boyfriends/girlfriends where I went to school. My parents did find out, my mother was angry, but that was because she no longer had control over what I did. Anyway, it all worked out in the end. I had a great weekend with a wonderful family and learned more about how others live and love in a family.</p>
<p>A second point…my best friend in college (and is still a very good friend today) met her husband at pre-registration in June prior to Freshman year. Their fathers started chatting in line and that’s how they met. They were crazy in love and still are. They are two of my best friends. Both turned out really great…he’s a doctor and she runs the family farm. Their son is a sophomore with a full ride at a private university. </p>
<p>If you raise them right, they won’t veer to far from what you’ve taught. They will do some things differently (I did not marry someone from my race, religion or background…still together and in love after 20 years) but rejoice with them in all they are learning and doing. </p>
<p>If he’s keeping up academically, I wouldn’t worry too much. Okay, ask me in a year when my D is off to college…I will win the award for worry!! It’s easy to give advice, but I think what all these good folks are saying her is to encourage you.</p>
<p>I was thinking that the troubling part is not only that the parents don’t know, but that the girl may not have a good relationship or always be honest with them. Some of your answers have put that into perspective for me, but I would still prefer it if the girlfriend was being honest about her whereabouts (I have good reason to think that is not what she is planning). I am glad S wants us to meet her, though. I think he must be proud to have a GF and wants to show her off to us and his friends at home. </p>
<p>Academics are an unknown right now since its still early in the year. I am still worried about the exclusiveness of the relationship . He seems to know the other people on his hall, but I don’t get the idea that they do a lot of things together. He hasn’t joined any of the groups he was interested in originally. That’s the kind of thing I am trying to get an idea of when we speak.</p>
<p>“He seems to know the other people on his hall, but I don’t get the idea that they do a lot of things together. He hasn’t joined any of the groups he was interested in originally.”</p>
<p>Freshman year is a time of growth and change. My son’s circle of friends his freshman year was always in flux. The school year began and ALL we heard about was a certain girl and her best friend…constantly. As the year progressed, people seemed to move in and out of discussions at a rate that you practically needed a scorecard to keep up. Very few friends were actually from his dorm; most friendships develop in class and at social activities so there’s nothing abnormal about not doing things with others from his floor.</p>
<p>As many have already said, be thankful that he trusts you enough to talk to you and share his new adventures, relationships and experiences. Many here will tell you that boys are often not that open, or talkative for that matter.</p>
<p>Lastly do your best to NOT be judgmental about his new girlfriend or whether or not you think it is a good thing for him “right now” because he didn’t ask you for advice, he was merely sharing his excitment. If you want to lose that trust and more importantly, the open lines of communication, start telling him what YOU think he should do. It all may pass in a short time or he may have met his soulmate, but he needs to find that out for himself. </p>
<p>It’s really hard to cut the strings; I’m going through it again right now with my baby…and I assure you, it’s a LOT harder this time with a girl than it was the first time around with my son.</p>
<p>In my opinion, parents have a right to know where their children are if they are paying tuition or are in other ways responsible for the student. And “right” aside, it simply makes sense to know where members of your family are and how to reach them in an emergency no matter how old they are (yes, I kow cell phones work in most places, but that is not quite the same thing). In any event, for my own peace of mind I would expect to know where my daughter is going if she leaves campus; if she is going to be staying at the home of college friends that I don’t know, which has happened several times in the last two years, I ask her for the address and phone number–and I get it without argument. I am not strict about some things, but knowing where she is is one of the things I do feel strongly about. (It is also helpful to have the host/hotess address if you want to send a box of cookies or chocolates as a thank you gift.) </p>
<p>Your son’s friend may be a perfectly nice girl who likes her privacy, and I suppose legally an 18-year-old can go wherever she pleases except a bar, but it sounds to me as though she either doesn’t take your son as seriously as he takes her or she has some issue with telling her parents basic things like where she will be on weekends. If she does not want to tell them she has a boyfriend that is one thing, but it’s perfectly possible to refer to someone as “my friend” and keep the tone neutral. There is a fine line between diplomacy and deceit. It will be interesting to hear what you think of this girl after the visit. At least your son sounds like a nice, open, truthful young man, and I hope he has found a young woman to match him.</p>
<p>I don’t think my parents would WANT to know every time I left campus! “Hi Dad, I’m going to the grocery store.” “Um, okay, that’s nice? There’s a sale on steak?” I can’t even begin to contemplate the response. If the b/fs family is close to campus, who cares?</p>
<p>Young people spend a lot of their lives in college, grad school, and working before they have families of their own. It is, IMO, important to teach them early on how to be safe and responsible. That means telling your roommate where you’re going and the address/phone number. </p>
<p>Again, please do not judge this girl on her parents. She didn’t choose them - she can only choose how she deals with them. For some, the parents don’t want to know (I do recall asking if I could go to NYC with a b/f during a weekend in college - my parents asked me why I was asking permission, rightly pointing out that I was an adult and so long as I got my work done, they didn’t care).</p>