I am not sure if I’m in the right place to ask for other college parents to offer advice. I am an empty nester now! Our oldest child graduated from college and is gainfully employed. He was in the dorm for a time with no issues and then had an apartment for the majority of his college years.
Youngest and last just started at a different university. She is required to live in the dorm first year and decided to take a couple of classes over the summer. She will be rooming with the same person in the fall as she has now in the summer dorm. Her roommate is absolutely terrible and unresponsive to any communication my daughter initiates. Some examples of the roommate’s behavior: turning off my daughter’s alarm clock causing her to oversleep, refuses to help clean at all, does not adhere to the roommate agreement, changes due dates on my daughter’s wall calendar, items of my daughters are missing, etc.
My daughter has talked with her exhaustively even catching her turning off her alarm and asked her if she was going to wake her and the girl bluntly said NO. So, to clarify I am not a hovering parent and I listen a lot. She has always handled her own problems since elementary school when she asked for a bathroom pass and went to chat with the principal instead! She has tried communication with the roommate and reports that the RA tells everyone to just talk about everything so she went to the housing office to request a change only to be told that the infractions were not great enough to warrant a change. They told her she would just have to talk with the girl.
She calls crying everyday because now the girl has started to copycat her at everything right down to going to stores and buying everything my daughter is looking at online the night before. Would someone please be kind enough to tell me if this is normal. My main concern is my daughter’s emotional state not being able to get any privacy from this person and the fact that I’m afraid she will oversleep her classes if these things keep happening.
She does have a hard time waking so that is why she locates a clock across the room because that is her strategy for being able to get up. I am willing to listen honestly because I do not know if her Dad and I should step in for her well being on this. What would you do as a parent?
I am all for students learning to survive however I feel like my child is almost held hostage in this room especially when she has gone through the proper channels to try and resolve it. Do I allow her to be miserable for a year and possibly take a hit to her academics?
Someone please tell me what recourse we have and if we should even step in?
Of the RA isn’t helping, go up,the residence life food chain to the resident director…or whomever supervises the RSs. Your daughter should do this.
At most schools, there is some moving around in the first few weeks of the fall term. Your daughter needs to find out how to get on a list for room changes.
Agree with the above posters. This is not normal disagreements of cleanliness or sleep hours. Intentional sabotage and theft raise the bar substantially IMO, particularly as it seems to be escalating. I would step in while there is still time for a switch for fall. Be sure that she is tracking roommate issues and interactions with the RA etc. so you have those measures, incidences and dates to reference.
Your D has done everything right and yes, I think it’s time for you to step in. The only other person your D might want to reach out to is the head of student life or res life or student affairs (whatever her school calls them). The housing office is full of crap if they said this isn’t enough to warrant a change. Not only is this enough to warrant a change, it’s enough to warrant the roommate’s dismissal from the housing system.
Absolutely agree with saintfan’s recommendation and the rest of the above posts.
The roommate may be mentally ill. Your daughter needs to document everything and video or sound record some incidents if possible
While she is waiting for a transfer she needs to protect herself. If she has made a friend, she can ask to store valuables with her. Use a smart phone as an alarm clock and set it to ring loudly few minutes. Keep all assignments and deadlines on the phone. Keep the smart phone in her possession at all times and in her pillow case at night.
Changes due dates on your daughter’s wall calendar and buys items your daughter was looking at online? Does your daughter have a history of paranoid delusion? You should take a close look at your daughter’s mental health. It sounds to me like she doesn’t want to be in college and she’s blaming the pixies.
Until this is resolved she should try sleeping with her phone an set the alarm on the phone.
I have a little motion activated camera that I can view on my phone or pc and that can record. She could try getting one. I’m not sure how to best set up the recording and storage of recordings, but tech support would help her with that. The roommate would not be able to turn the camera off without the camera taping her approaching it. Ideally, she could get something like a nanny cam that the roommate could be unaware of (for proof of the things she accuses rommate of purposes–check the laws as far as one person consent recording). Perhaps the existence of a camera would be enough for her to not mess with things. I doubt it, but I’m putting it out there. My camera is a Foscam which I bought at Foscam’s official store on ebay because their site says they don’t give support for free if you don’t buy from an authorized dealer, and the ebay store was authorized, I was unsure of Amazon. I use mine to watch my front door and my dog now and then. I will use it to watch my grandson in his crib when I start babysitting him. Read up on it and see if it’s worth a try. Its a rather inexpensive one. Might be nice to have for security anyway. http://www.ebay.com/itm/171678909725?_trksid=p2057872.m2749.l2649&ssPageName=STRK%3AMEBIDX%3AIT
Hopefully they will give her a new roommate for the fall. The crazy one might be trying for a free single room!
PS, The camera transmits sound too (Not sure if it records sound). I freaked my dog out by calling her came when we weren’t home. Ske came looking for me and I felt so bad, but it was also funny!
^^^A motion camera would not be legal. The dorm room is a bedroom and the roommate has the expectation of privacy as she dresses and sleeps. In many states it would be a felony to film her in her bedroom without her knowledge.
Honestly, this post defies logic. How can the roommate possibly be purchasing items OP’s daughter is looking at on the internet? Either the daughter is paranoid or OP is pulling our legs.
New poster: long summer, free time: pixies, hobgoblins, bugaboos, t-word.
Your D does not have to put up with this behavior from the roommate. You are PAYING for her room and can expect a reasonable living situation. Do not let your D live like this. It’s hard enough to adjust to college without being worried for her safety and well being. The rommmate’s behavior of turning off your D’s alarm and not waking her, changing due dates on her records, and probably stealing from her as well as ordering what D is considering buying all indicate serious problems with this roomie. Your D should demand an immediate change and you can help her with it.
Have her make a short, succinct list of specific behaviors by the roomie and how D has tried to solve problem unsuccessfully. Then have her make an urgent appointment with the housing director of her dorm. D can also invite the RA. D needs to say she is concerned for her safety and her own mental health due to treatment from the roomie. This should effect an immediate room change.
If it does not, then you get on the phone with the housing director and restate all issues. If that doesn’t work, then you call the dean of student’s office and ask for a phone conference. Daily phone call to the dean of students if needed. You should hear back within 24 hrs if you state it is an urgent matter of mental health. I had to contact the dean of students at my D’s mid-size state college for help and I had great results.
I would also encourage your D to go the counseling office and make an appt.This will help her cope and also show the college officials that she is trying to cope but is very disturbed by the intolerable situation.
Don’t take this lightly and don’t wait any longer. Your D’s adjustment to college is at stake here. Colleges have a mandated duty to protect their students from the actions of others who may be unbalanced. This could be that sort of situation and you need to help your D get out of that room and into calm and safe housing.
Sounds like a rough situation. I have several questions about the story:
On the alarm clock, it sounds like the disagreement may stem from its being across the room from where your daughter sleeps. Does she rise promptly to turn it off when it begins to ring? She needs to do this. Also, when you say the roommate turns off the alarm clock do you mean before or after it rings? If she turns off a blaring alarm clock because your daughter does not get up to turn it off, that is quite understandable.
On the due dates on the wall calendar, what kind of due dates are we talking about? Are they your daughter's own personal due dates? Or dates that they agreed that roommate chores would be done, or something like that?
On the missing items, what kind of things are we talking about? A pen or pencil? Or something more substantial?
Same question on the roommate's buying things that the daughter is looking at online. This one doesn't make sense to me at all. What kind of things?
Without knowing a lot more detail, it is difficult to know whether the school is being unreasonable by failing to intervene. I’m sorry for your daughter in any case. It is not pleasant to live with someone you don’t like. Having her alarm clock next to her own bed may go a long way toward mending the rift. Snooze-button is not allowed in a roommate situation, unless both agree.
More…if your D is crying every day, then she needs to go to the college counseling center and request an immediate appt. At my D’s college there were open appt times specifically for situations like this. If a student came in very upset, that student was seen immediately on an emergency basis. The counselor may be able to help your D resolve this and get a new room.
I had to help my D with counseling and with calls to the dean’s office when she was an undergrad. I was quite assertive and it paid off.
PS installing a hidden camera or recording device in a shared living space is unethical and quite possibly illegal. I strongly disagree with that suggestion.
Easy solution to the shopping online issue. The daughter should not do this in the dorm room…at all.
What is the calendar issue? My kids keep,their due dates in their phones…not on a calendar on the wall.
Alarm clock? Perhaps,your daughter could get used to using the alarm on her phone. If she has trouble getting up, perhaps,she should go to sleep earlier.
if this is a true story, I would listen to my kid, and direct them to the residence life staff. There is conflict resolution stuff at all colleges.
With regard to crying every night…if this is new…I agree that a trip to the college counseling center would be a good idea.
