<p>I found the below fascinating. I wonder if lots of this is due to having so many women in the workforce fulltime. When I was working, I didn’t have time to make friends, and I really missed having them. After I stopped, I was able to develop a large group of close friends. </p>
<p>Even in couples, women often are the ones responsible for making and maintaining outside friendships.</p>
<p>"WASHINGTON (Reuters) – Americans are more socially isolated than they were 20 years ago, separated by work, commuting and the single life, researchers reported on Friday.</p>
<p>Nearly a quarter of people surveyed said they had “zero” close friends with whom to discuss personal matters. More than 50 percent named two or fewer confidants, most often immediate family members, the researchers said.</p>
<p>“This is a big social change, and it indicates something that’s not good for our society,” said Duke University Professor Lynn Smith-Lovin, lead author on the study to be published in the American Sociological Review…</p>
<p>She said it indicated people had a surprising drop in the number of close friends since 1985. At that time, Americans most commonly said they had three close friends whom they had known for a long time, saw often, and with whom they shared a number of interests…"</p>
<p>I saw the discussion on GMA before I left the house this morning. Cheryl Richardson, attributed a lot of this to technology; blackberries, e-mail, cell phones. . “We feel so overwhelmed as a result, by the end of the day when you go home from work, the last thing you want to do is make another phone call. It feels like work.” When we feel overwhelmed, we become addicted to those activities that allow us to numb out. We turn on the TV and by the time you’ve watched a couple of hours of television, you no longer have time. We also have relationships with characters on TV instead of real life. Then there’s the iPod. If you walk around with your ears plugged up, you can’t connect with anyone. Turn off the TV, leave the iPod at home, and talk to people. </p>
<p>Overall, they felt that we need to take the time to have meaningful time with our friends.</p>
<p>I blame it on the suburban/go everywhere in the car lifestyle. I think the surburbs are terribly isolating. Very little civic engagement, yards far apart, automatic garage door openers, huge chain stores where it’s difficult to run into someone you know, people moving frequently - even just to get across town to the newest sprawlsville development…</p>
<p>I agree with Weenie, although older suburbs, near established cities, have town centers, etc. It’s the newer suburbs, really exurbs, far from an urban hub, where all shopping is done from the car at strip malls (no public transportation, no shops within walking distance), where people drive straight into the garage and close the door behind them, where kids play in the backyard, where there are no sidewalks, porches or “stoops”…these are what cause people to be isolated, and yes, to overrely on message boards for human connection.</p>
<p>But did the new suburbs make us this way or were they sort of a “market response” to what we had become?</p>
<p>I seem to remember learning in college that the sociologist Max Weber had theorized that modern society would move from a community basis to individual basis. Fewer social constraints but greater isolation. The end stage was called the “war of all against all” which was a translation of the original German which I think he coined a single word for it.</p>
<p>Dadguy, I think that is absolutely right. This move away from familial or more communal living reflects American staunch individualsim; the belief that it is “every man (woman/child) for him/herself”…the collective be damned.</p>
<p>Sociologically, there are interesting ramifications, but the social isolation, divorce, distant extended families, rampant depression, reliance on medication, etc. is a manifestation of a deliberate effort towards indiviudalism, based on a tenet from the Bill of Rights.</p>
<p>Well, I don’t remember Weber singling out the USA, I think he was referring to Western societies in general.</p>
<p>Also, the Bill of Rights, for the most parts, lays out specific rights of individuals such that the government can not infringe upon them. I don’t see where they lead to a breakdown of community. Were you thinking of something specific here?</p>
<p>I think this is true for Western society, in general, although the US in particular. We have a special affinity for “rugged individualism”, which is based in our history. </p>
<p>I think our “Life, liberty and the pursuit of Happiness” is also distinctly American. Not quibbling with the fundamental right, definitely, but wondering if underneath these American ideals was a wearing away of community, in favor of the individual. There isn’t another country on the globe whose citizens are quite as ego-centric or indiviudalistic as Americans. Perhaps it goes back to our fundamental rights and history? I don’t know.</p>
<p>As bad as the divorce rates are, American society is still very religious compared to the rest of the world. In that way, it still retains a community life that secular countries do not.</p>
<p>Interestingly, pub life is a great socializer in many Commonwealth countries. The new American Moral Prohibition works against developing a community pub life. </p>
<p>Transience works against community life. No one knows or remembers the history. There is less to discuss. I find many of my American friends tend to talk about consuming, of one sort or another. It is tempting. There are so many amazing products available in the US. But products are a sorry basis for friendship.</p>
<p>Finally, recently I have noticed the underlying competitiveness that our ‘winner take all’/merit society engenders. It makes us so intolerant and so blind to other ways of doing things–when we think we have The Best Child, The Best Car, The Best College, The Best EC, The Best Way of Childrearing, The Best Lifestyle, The Best Morality, The Best Political Party. The rest of the world doesn’t hold up their lives for comparison and competition–thus avoiding some of the isolation that Americans bring upon themselves.</p>
<p>I have a number of close friends, say 6 or 7?, plus I am very close to my parents, my sister, two of my aunts and a few of my cousins. I have spent many MANY hours of blab getting to that closeness. Thank God I had my own business. I will say that extroverts have it easy when it comes to making and keeping friends.</p>
<p>The new American Moral Prohibition works against developing a community pub life</p>
<p>I have to say that I have never been to the Blue Moon- but Seattle could have stopped its yuppiefication about 10 years ago as far as I am concerned.
We need places like the Blue Moon
<a href=“http://www.seattleweekly.com/news/0624/moon-robbins.php[/url]”>http://www.seattleweekly.com/news/0624/moon-robbins.php</a> “The Blue Moon is a cultural treasure,” concludes Robbins. “And the mayor and his staff should know they’ll be destroying a cultural treasure as well as depleting the city’s soul. The political establishment operates on two principles: fear and greed. Even in a city the size of Seattle, one little bit of free-flowing plankton in this ocean of urbanity is enough to scare them. Most people are afraid of freedom, and the Blue Moon is a bastion of freedom.”</p>
<p>but I have to say- I have been participating in a monthly book group for about 5 years. Only one of the women did I know previously ( since my youngest was small), we do things outside bookgroup as well- and believe me- we talk about a lot more than the book.
Book groups are pretty popular across the country and I think by making a committment to getting together- even if it is to discuss a book that no one is writing a paper on- proves that we still want to have connection.
I live in the city, because I like the communication with neighbors- even if it is like today, more than I know what to do with.
( I apparently am serving as therapist to someone that I wouldn’t necessarily have as a friend)
I know many people move quite a bit, and so that can be difficult to maintain friendships. I have lost touch with several people that way- it does take time and energy.
But one of the things we do like about our neighborhood where we have lived 23 years, is that noone dies here ( my across the street neighbor is in her 90’s) and we have many neighbors that we enjoy quite a bit.
(When we lived in Bellevue- our yard was such that we couldn’t tell when the neighbors were home & our yard was too “landscaped” to see anyone next door.However we did know some of the neighbrs and I expect if we had stayed there, we would have gotten to know them all.)
We have block parties in the summer- some streets even have communal dinners all year long. I think there is enough opportunities for connection to satisfy anyone, but I do see what the author is saying. That as we age, with smaller families, there are fewer children to take care of the parents, and those roles arent always being filled by society.</p>
<p>Interesting post, Cheers. I think the consumer basis of American life figures into this equation we are discussing too. Capitalism relies on individualism in ways in which socialism obviously does not. Being probably the most capitalist and consumer country on earth may be the cause or result of individualism.</p>
<p>I am fortunate to have excellent, dear friends who are a real support network. But I also live in a walking neighborhood of sidewalks and porches. Many days I don’t drive at all. I can do most of my errands on foot, and run into people to schmooze with at the bank, the post office, the drug store, the coffee shop, the schools. I love it, and don’t feel isolated at all as a result, but I would out in the exurbs, behind my garage door, that’s for sure.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s WHERE we live as much as HOW we live, work, and spend what little free time most Americans have. </p>
<p>It’s not just the exurbs and suburbs. Isn’t live in the big city notoriously impersonal? I lived in NYC for several years before marrying and going abroad and I didn’t even know who lived on the same floor except my immediate neighbor (couple with new baby I think.) My work hours were long and when I wasn’t working I was hanging with other singles in East Side bars or with people I knew from work. My neighbors? They were not “in” my life. Also, Americans move a lot due to work, better opportunities. We are a very transient population. Well, perhaps I should speak for myself; we lived in five different cities by the time my son was 7. It’s not easy to make intimate friends, the kind you really talk to, until you’ve had time to put down roots and get to know people. </p>
<p>Americans don’t have a lot of free time. I think more people work longer hours, or work more than one job, or both spouses are working, and the effort to socialize is just too much at the end of the day. They are lucky if they have enough time to spend with their kids, let alone adult friends. In the past, I think that women had the time to arrange some social interaction for the family — BBQs, block parties, etc. — and now that so many more women work outside the home, that tends to fall by the wayside. And yes, I think the moms in general are far more busy with their kids lives than those of the previous generation. My mom certainly did not spend afternoons driving me from music lessons to soccer practice to religious school. (Went to Sunday school on Sunday and that was it.)
Why do we have so little time? I guess you can blame capitalism or consumerism in some way, but these are the choices we have made. Okay, this is starting to ramble but that’s because I’m late to pick up my son. No time!</p>
<p>I think Cheers is on to something about “pub life”
Due to torrential rainout of son’s swim meet, he and I headed to the King of Prussia Mall, which was close to the meet. I was struck by two things: it looked like a Las Vegas Casino because of the marble floors, huge columns and cars displayed in the middle of the interior walkways, and people were strolling around the way they do in Europe in the evenings. It was like an Italian “passagiata” (sp?). It felt like people were trying to do something communal there but all there was to do was shop and eat crappy food.</p>
<p>As an aside, I tried out the new Bose noise cancelling headphones. They are a little smaller but don’t take up any less room in the luggage. When at the mall, window shop! ;)</p>
<p>Aaaaahhh…the art of introducing yourself to your neighbors and the art of entertaining–no matter where you find yourself. My sister and I are inveterate entertainers, inspired by our mom–plus one set of mad English friends.</p>
<p>Although I have always worked full time, I knew my neighbors on East 9th Street in Mnahattan and invited them to dinner–even though we didn’t have a table and the tub was in the kitchen. I also knew many of my neighbors in my Riverside Drive Coop–entertaining them–even serving on the board for a time. I certainly knew all the neighbors on our floor, from the orthodox rabbi next door to the writer at the end of the hall. </p>
<p>I didn’t ‘know’ the movie star in the elevator, but we had a nice chat nonetheless. Maybe it’s because he once answered the door in his Tighty-whities? </p>
<p>No matter where we live, I don’t wait for introductions, I bang on the neighbors doors and make nice. Garden parties and or Sunday dinners are part of the package.</p>
<p>Since we moved overseas five years ago, we throw parties for 50 to 80 once or twice ayear. It might be a Superbowl party at a Sports bar or a romp through town dressed in Woohoo Olympic costumes. Recently, my claender has been full of mid-winter Christmas dinners. A social life replete with friends and laughs does not suddenly appear. One has to make an effort.</p>
<p>This discusses the disappearance of all kinds of social activities, including having people over for dinner, playing cards, attending church, and being involved in the community.</p>
<p>Involvement in these types of activities is down in all social groups, ie, people who live alone, families with a mother at home, and families where both parents work.</p>
<p>Age-wise, the generation that spawned the Baby Boomers had an extremely high involvement (higher than previous generations), and it has fallen off with the Baby Boomers.</p>
<p>The author of “Bowling Alone” attributes most of the loss of social activity to watching TV and commuting. We spend our time driving around and watching television instead of building friendships.</p>
<p>I read an interesting article in the mag section of the NYT a few months back on the growth of the megachurches, which are basically in response to exactly this phenomenon. People are desperately seeking community, connection etc. and these exurban megachurches seem to fit the bill for a lot of people, as they provide a social center, structured activities, and a religious context.</p>
<p>From another perspective, those lacking such friends in the neighborhood so’s to make them “neighborly” simply moveon.org;)</p>
<p>G. K. Chesterton mentioned the same phenomenon 100 years ago. He believed that people could no longer live in the neighborhood because they were no longer willing to tolerate its diversity. They would therefore seek out organizations and friends that needed less toleration in other parts.</p>
<p>Thoreau said essentially the same thing over 150 years ago when he remarked that the train had made it such that people will seek out friends from 100s of miles away before getting to know their own neighbor. Why? </p>
<p>I babysat for all the kids in the neighborhood. Moreover, we would have 5-6 block parties a year. </p>
<p>Different religions, politics, generations and circumstances are most easily found right next door.</p>
I will say that extroverts have it easy when it comes to making and keeping friends.</p>