<p>This is a new thread as I have opened a new account. Thanks for your replies, they are insightful and really much help. </p>
<p>More suggestions are welcome!</p>
<p>Hi there, my S is a senior high school student, He likes a girl in the same grade since last year. Within these 2 years, he did everything to please the girl like helping (not doing) homework for her, buy her gifts…he told me that the girl is the pretty and kind of girl he likes. But the girl showes him in some way that she can only be his friend…but not a close friend. She always asks him for help in homework, whenever my S speaks of other topics than school work, she just revert back to homework. </p>
<p>Everybody in school knows that my S want to friend this girl. My S always talks to his close friends whenever there are quarrels with this girl, and they all feel and agree that the girl is very mean to my S and she doesn’t like my S, but she still keep on talking with my S because of the homework as my S is the top student in the class. His friends told him to look for another girl in school, and his reply was no girl other than this girl in school he likes.</p>
<p>My S has been very moody within this 2 year, and may be this is one of the reason. Recently my S got the national award scholarship and he is now extremely upset as the girl doesn’t show any appreciation nor even a congrtulation, all she does is keep asking him to help her homework and tests.</p>
<p>So as a parent, what should I do?</p>
<li><p>Is it wise to discuss the whole case with him? (actually he often talk with his friends about this, and all his friends told him that this girl is making use of him and I think he knows that except he refuses to admit it as I think it hurts so much)</p></li>
<li><p>This year is crucial for my S as he has applied some ivy league school and his SAT marks I think have more or less been deteoriated as he was so distracted due to his affair with his girl. What I have been doing within the past months was to keep my mouth shut up for his affair but often press him to keep up his school work.</p></li>
<li><p>Now since all the preparation for university application is over, is it the right time to talk to him about his affair, or actually should I talk to him, what will be his reaction as I am his parent and because he thinks I’m not in line with him and understand him because of the generation gap? (actually I tried this before and by every mean he avoided the topic)</p></li>
<li><p>By the way, my S is strong at academic, but he is a shy guy. This is his first time to deal with girl and he wants her to be his close friend. I know his suffering is due to his shyness and lack of humor, fun or wild enough to make girl happy…but how to tell him to improve wtihout hurting his pride…or how to tell him to get rid of this girl?</p></li>
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<li>Now since all the preparation for university application is over, is it the right time to talk to him about his affair, or actually should I talk to him, what will be his reaction as I am his parent and because he thinks I’m not in line with him and understand him because of the generation gap?</li>
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<p>You would have to be extremely careful. I would not nag or press the case further because you will only be pushed away if you try prying. Express your concern over the homework and the resulting circumstances first. “Your schoolwork is deteriorating and I am concerned…” then bring up the topic of the young lady. I think he will not realize this until he becomes quite wounded by the young lady since he is certainly deluded enough. Know that he has your support in the situation.</p>
<p>“I think he will not realize this until he becomes quite wounded by the young lady since he is certainly deluded enough”</p>
<p>Thanks…I know that he will not give up easily as he always regards himself as a top student and could not afford to lose face…he will drag on…that’s my worry</p>
<p>Crazy4kids, I went through something similar with my D about a year ago, thankfully, to my enormous relief, she suddenly and with absolute finality broke up with the young man. </p>
<p>I posted about it here at the time, and lots of people offered advice, but the very best advice for the parent I recall was from a poster named Blossom. If you can locate her, perhaps she’ll respond back here with the same advice. I cannot remember what it said unfortunately, just remember mostly the parts about staying out of the situation.</p>
<p>I do think that’s harder to do as your son is still in high school (Blossom’s post from last year spoke more strongly of independence appropriate for college age children), however, the good news is that these situations seem to solve themselves pretty quickly, and the determinant seems to be peer pressure - his friends will very likely steer him in the right direction, and perhaps sooner than you might imagine. It just seems like it’s an eternity when you’re the parent watching it happen!</p>
<p>thanks lateto school…
By using search, I went through ‘blossom’ and there are over 200 threads…would you if possible give me the name of the thread by ‘blossom’ about this issue?</p>
<p>From what you are saying, it sounds like your S deserves much better than this girl he is infautated about.</p>
<p>If all this girl does with your S is ask him to do her homework, I don’t think she can be even considered a friend to tell you the truth. You should definitely try to encourage your S to get over this obsession. Even if he does eventually go out with his crush, I believe your S will be fairly disappointed. </p>
<p>I’m a high school junior, I was in a situation similar to your S before with a huge crush. Those were some very awkward years of my life, at the time, I didn’t think so…</p>
<p>Well… it sounds like you & his friends have definitely tried really hard to get him to move on…keep going at it! </p>
<p>I believe your S will be saved from the evil clutches of unrequited love soon! When you talk to your S, you really have to make sure that he understands you are telling him this because you want to help. </p>
<p>I wish your S the best of luck with his college adventures, :).</p>
<p>Crazy4kids, I do not remember the name of the thread, but more importantly, I do not want to remember it or even ever have to revisit the matter again. It was a horrible time for me - I was worried sick - and I don’t want to think about it again. I didn’t really even want to post about it period, but, I recalled that a LOT of people responded to help me, so I figured I owed a debt. </p>
<p>May I make different suggestion? There is a function called PM or something like that - I’ve never done this, but, I believe that you can click on the poster name “Blossom” in one of posts that she made, and this will bring up a box, and then you can send a “PM”. </p>
<p>Please post back and et me know if that does not work, and we’ll think of something else. I just saw a post by Blossom the other day, and so I am very certain she still visits this site.</p>
<p>thanks lateto school…I tried to pm to blossom, there is a message said that she doesn’t allow to receive private message. Anyway, thank you very much for your help</p>
<p>Dear Crazy;
Are you an immigrant to North America? If so, you may also have a cultural gap as well as a generational gap with your son.</p>
<p>North American parents would be reluctant to interfere too much. They would worry that their interference would annoy the teenager–possibly driving the teenager further into the arms of the unwanted mate. Also, at 17, North American teenagers aren’t dating for marriage–in general. Your son may have many good (possibly subconcious) reasons for dating an unsuitable girl. Number one: if the girl is unsuitable, hedoesn’t have to worry about the relationship ending in a too early marriage. </p>
<p>Other cultures would be more direct, but it seems to me, your son is now a North American, so perhaps you should follow North American customs for this problem and refrain from direct interference.</p>
<p>Also, others may not agree, but it is not necessarily a North American custom for girls to get too excited about a boy’s academic awards–particularily as these awards might take this boy far away from this girl. Perhpas your son shouldn’t read too much into it.</p>
<p>By and large, North American parents try to give juniors and seniors more independence–especially in their choice of friends. I know it can be a worry but you must trust that your son has learned many lessons from his parents. Even if he stumbles a bit and makes mistakes, chances are, he will get himself sorted, get into a good college and find a more suitable girl.</p>
<p>Once upon a time, I fell madly in love with a man I thought I might marry. Along with my doubts, my fater spoke up about his–the first time I heard any comment from him about any friend. He told me I could not marry that man because he was TOO handsome. He told me that man would be chased by women for years and years.</p>
<p>I ignored many things my father told me, but I must have listened to that remark. I didn’t marry the man. That man is about to marry his SIXTH wife!!! :eek:</p>
<p>Don’t forget that high school attractions tend to end before Thanksgiving. There was a recent thread on this. </p>
<p>If it were me, I would let it run its course and stay out of it. If you intervene, and even if he eventually decides you were right, there is still a good chance that he would harbor resentment over your intrusion.</p>
<p>I guess I’m not one to dance around these types of things. If you generally have a good, open relationship with your son, I would probably at least give voice to the opinion that the girl is not treating him well, but not harp on it after that. It’s all in the delivery ( I find that driving in the car is a good time for these kinds of talks)! Kids do have a way of incorporating what you say, even if they don’t always appear to be doing so at the moment!</p>
Crazy4kids. I just wanted to caution you about the word you use to refer to your son’s relationship with this girl. In USA, the word “affair” refers to a sexual relationship between two individuals. It sounds to me that your son has an infatuation with a girl, but the girl just views him as a “friend” (or pawn to be used for her academic needs!). They are not dating, is that correct? If so, perhaps you should not use the word “affair” in discussing the relationship, as it may give others the wrong impression. Just trying to help clarify here. :)</p>
<p>beck86nj, Haha, you were more astute than my kids, I guess! </p>
<p>The other thing I’ve noticed is that you find out EVERYTHING that’s going on when carpooling a group of kids around. Amazing how they forget there is even a driver there. Now that S is driving himself and D has a permit, those days are numbered, though!</p>
<p>OMG, whenever i am in trouble, my parents tell me that we have to run errands or something. and then when i am alone with them in the car, i really get it. and i can’t escape…</p>
<p>IT’s possible that the girl may like him but might be very shy. I’ve known girls who have been very awkward around boys and maybe she doesn’t know how to show that she likes him so he talks about homework because it’s something that they are both comfortable talking about. Does she know he likes her? Sometimes girls don’t know that a guy likes them (or are afraid they might be imagining it) even though everone else sees it. I think that your son needs to talk to her and tell her how he feels or ask her to prom etc. If she says no then at least he’ll be able to move on (even though it will hurt at first). And hey, mybe she’ll say yes! It’s possible she thinks he just likes her as a friend!</p>
<p>I think its more likely this girl knows exactly what shes doing. She is a user. </p>
<p>In my humble opinion, if I were the parents, total non-inteference is hard to do or watch. The young man may even one-day resent the fact his parents “weren’t there” to warn him. I would not take the hammer approach, tell the hard facts, but lightly suggest if Kara (made up name) isn’t responsive to doing things outside of homework, perhaps find someone who is more open? Just like that, you’ve planted the idea and one day (hope soon) he will wake up and see the light.</p>
<p>I would not bring it up unless he does, the reason i say that is it can be a bit humilliating for him (i know you would never mean for it to be). His friends have made it clear so its not like he is not already being told he is being used. You could also look at it as a good learning curve. I know many guys (some girls too) who were used and it takes a long time to see it but once you do its much easier to see it happening in the future. It could be a good lesson for him to learn for later in life </p>
<p>By all means bring up the grades if you feel you need to. You could mention that you are worried and that you are there for him if he has any troubles, but let him open up to you about it instead of you bringing up the topic of the girl. That is my advice anyway. Best of luck!</p>
<p>I must add that I am with Cheers on this. I’ve watched many kids develop crushes on unsuitable people, often “popular” ones. Sometimes they offer sex to try to make a relationship, or “help” (which basicaly means doing) homework for the other. I never lecture. When I am ready, I may ask one pithy question, and then drop the topic. MANY times the kids will come back to me recalling how that question/observation stayed with them, rather like tooth decay.
I’d be curious what subjects your S is her unpaid tutor for; who helps her with other subjects? Does she look for assistance in every class?</p>
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