<p>Not sure about labelling girls as ‘mean’ but there are effective strategies against bullying and manipulation</p>
<p>When S1 was 5, we moved from NYC to the midwest. He started kindergarten. One of the boys started picking on him. S was distraught.</p>
<p>Through role playing ( I played the role of the bad boy) I taught him to strip the boy of his power over him by looking the boy in the eye and saying:</p>
<p>“I don’t care about you. I don’t care what you say. You don’t bother me.” Then, with all the self-control he could muster–he pretended he didn’t care and walked away.</p>
<p>S came home with a big smile and said: “That worked!”</p>
<p>That boy, (later a brilliant NMF finalist), turned into his one of S’s best friends within a couple of weeks. S never experienced an incident of bullying again. He became adept at positioning himself at the center of the main social group.</p>
<p>I loved reading this thread. My oldest D (now a senior) was always her “own person” growing up so I never really experienced the “mean girl” problems. However, youngest D, now in seventh grade, who has everything going for her has been struck by the “snakes”. I am amazed at how seemingly bright, talented girls can fall for the stupidity and meanness of other girls. In our middle school there are two girls whose families are related (in some manner though not exactly sure how) who are just MEAN and I cannot believe how badly EVERY girl in the middle school wants to be ‘accepted’ by them. My d tried so hard in sixth grade to be their friends… did everything. They are from families whose parents ‘do their own thing’ and leave their kids to their own devices. When D hung around with them and Friday rolled around and plans were being made to go to the movies, bowling, etc with “The Group” one or two of the kids parents ALWAYS ended up taking or picking up. I was one of them. I finally got tired of it and said to D…why doesn’t so and so’s parents ever drive. To find out that they didn’t need to… no matter what, these two girls got to go and it was always their choice as to where to go - other kids whose parents had driven couldn’t get a ride but those two ALWAYS did. All the kids asked these two girls first. They would gang up on one particular kid each week and the whole group would join in. Finally, it was my D’s turn. She is a good basketball player. The Mean Girls were invited to stay the night and they along with another girl in the group asked if they could go to D’s basketball game with her the following day. My dh said sure. He took them for pizza for lunch and then took them all to the game. After the game they asked if dh could just drop them all off at the boys game to watch. DH said “sure”. The next thing we know my D is calling crying to come pick her up… it was her turn. And every single girl in the group was on her about “you think you are so great at basketball… we don’t need you on the team…”, etc. It was terrible. She had a game the following day and the MEAN GIRLS told her she better not show up because they were going to be there to cheer against her. D didn’t want to go to the game… couldn’t sleep the night before, it was terrible. BUT, she went and she played one of her best games ever. The mean girls were there but when I came in with my dh and climbed up the bleachers I sat down right next to them and gave them a look that told them in no uncertain terms that I knew what was going on and if they said or did anything inappropriate it would be VERY unwise. They didn’t say a peep the entire game. D has since avoided them as best that she can. But I still see that they run the school, all the boys chase them, all the girls want to be them or at the very least be with them - no matter what the cost. It is heartbreaking that such sweet kids fall for this manipulation. And as the previous posters noted the teachers do not seem to catch on at all. They are usually the “favored ones”. My D asked me why the teachers don’t see it and I really don’t have an answer although they definitely use their “posse” to do their dirty work and they are really skilled at manipulation. And even though D seems to ignore them now when the “guest list” for her birthday party came up she had both girls on the list. I asked her why she would want to invite these two (they didn’t invite her to theirs) she said "if I don’t invite them they will make my life miserable and some of my friends will be afraid to come because those two would make the party “taboo”. Can you imagine? So we decided to forego the party altogether (I refused to fall for this crap) and she invited two friends to go with us to the Jesse McCartney concert on her birthday. I am sure D will have a much better time.</p>
<p>Get the books Queen Bees and Wanna Bes and Odd Girl Out…have D read them. When my Ds went through this those books helped tremendously. The authors have the mean girls pegged and yur D will see that she is not alone and that she will survive. Seeing someone else discuss mean girls besides Mom helps too. </p>
<p>What helped my Ds was keeping really busy. Having a life outside of school- sports, art classes, volunteering. When they are with different kids who like them, they begin to trust their own worth again. </p>
<p>Don’t you just want to smack their parents? I actually sent one mom an anonymous gift of my used copy of Queen Bees. Wrapped up nice and pretty. Don’t know if she ever read it, but I felt better.</p>
<p>Girls sure can be mean, and in a sneeky way. Boys are much more honest about their feelings. I have one of each and I have seen it all form both sides of the fence! I applaud aroundthecorner for putting her mean-girl-past behind her. Sadly, some mean girls never grow up. They just turn into older, slicker versions of their former selves…superior condescending attitude, only befriend people who are adoring or can raise their social status, oblivious to the feelings of others, etc. (middle aged “Plastics”)</p>
<p>At my boarding school reunion not too long ago, we all got talking about the mean girls who we called “the cools”…There was only one fringe member of the cools there, and she was flabbergasted at the way we remembered all of the horrid things that they did and said…She seemed almost oblivious to the pecking order. (maybe because she was at the top!) I was relieved to hear that in my daughter’s grade for next year (she’s only 8) all three of the mean girls (small school, only 40 per grade, 20 per class) are leaving the school. Couldn’t ask for more!</p>
<p>Something happened at my Ds school between 7th and 8th grade. The other kids got used to the mean girls, gained more confidence, and the mean girls lost some power. The other kids didn;t seem to need the MGs approval so much and seemed to fear them less. Of course the MGs behavior didn’t change, and in some ways got worse because what worked before didn’t work anymore, so they were more obvious in there tactics. </p>
<p>What helped my D- we had a back to school party before school with her good friends, and the rest of the nice girls. It was a bonding thing, they did makeup, reconnected, had fun. There was less trepidation walking into the classroom having to face the glares of the MGs when she knew her friends were right there beside her, and that the other girls were friendly now. The MGs group stayed about the same, but only a couple were really mean still. They had their soldiers to do their dirty work, but it had so much less effect.</p>
<p>Once a week, after school, I encourage my Ds to ask someone to go hang out, especially someone that was a friend but not in her circle. She and a friend would go to a coffee shop and “study”, but it also gave them a chance to talk about the *&^$ at school, act a bit grownup and feel cool. And if some studying got done, great.</p>
<p>Have those get together over the summer, a couple of times at different houses, then those girls will go back confident in their friends and themselves.</p>
<p>I grew up in Boca Raton, and mean girls were rampant. The spoilt children of wealthy and beautiful parents were practically the majority. They could spot the most vulnerable and sensitive kids easily, and they were adept manipulators of authority figures.
I had the most problems with this in the 1st and 2nd grades, but it continued until about 4th. When I moved to Deerfield Beach, the students were considerably less wealthy, and the problem (for the most part) subsided. I didn’t really encounter this again until I enrolled in the performing arts magnet in middle school. The girls in the dance program were especially mean, but I had my own little group of friends that made it easier to deal with.
I was a stoner in HS, and never attended a full 5 day week through my entire 4 years, so the mean girls weren’t really an issue. I suspect that some continue their interpersonal domination throughout life.</p>
<p>Edit:
I wonder if QBS (Queen Bee Syndrome) is correlated with parental income. My best friend was never a mean girl, but grew up with wealthy parents in a Seattle suburb. She has mentioned incidents when she would witness kids in hand-me-down clothing being ridiculed. When she befriended the poor victim, she herself became a target of said ridicule.<br>
They should really discuss how to deal with emotionally aggressive children in Elementary Education classes (maybe as part of the psychology / sociology classes that are required).</p>