<p>A savvy placement officer will get her into the first best that she can afford. Why did you decide against this? Think about it.</p>
<p>Forget the banks. You already told us a home for sale doesn’t qualify. </p>
<p>I don’t think you need to get educated. I think you need to get your wheels back on the right track. </p>
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<p>^this is what needs to happen. Please just do it.</p>
<p>Dharma, stop investigating and sending links to BIL. FORGET THE LOAN, TERMINATE CAREGIVER, SELL THE HOUSE ASAP, LISTEN TO THE SW AND DISCHARGE PLANNER AT SKILLED NH. Your mother also has monthly SS income. Most AL facilities will allow you to spread out deposit payments. Stop thinking that your mom may be able to stay longer in skilled care. They have weekly reviews of progress as required by Medicare. If there is no improvement, pt will be discharged to a NH if unable to go home. Not sure of how many times that your mom will be able to “bounce back”. </p>
<p>Dharma, ECmother is right, SNF isn’t a way-station until you find something better. Your mom can only stay there as long as it’s medically necessary.</p>
<p>I’ll add my thoughts. You may notice that we are all saying the same thing.</p>
<p>*Terminate Barbara. TODAY
*Stop researching stuff
*Stop thinking about your BIL
*Sell the house
*Avail yourself of a professional to find an AL
*Stop trying to be an expert in everything</p>
<p>DW- everybody posting above is right!</p>
<p>Let Barbara go (you got screwed by the agency, but that is water under the bridge)
Put the pressure on the realtor
get mom into AL</p>
<p>Mom had $60k, now is it seriously reduced BECAUSE of the caregiver (more than anything else) and the caregiver is MORE than AL. We keep saying the same thing and you keep doing what you think works.</p>
<p>No one here can quite understand, if the caregiver in the home is MORE than the AL, then why did you pursue it and why are you afraid to move her due to costs. If you move her now, $15k, then there is enough for a few months AL in savings, plus save up her SS money and take an IRA distribution. It will get you farther than paying Barbara.</p>
<p>Although Medicare will pay for up to 100 days in the NH / Skilled Nursing Facility (SNF), there is no guarantee of 100 days. Patients are discharged from the SNF when they have made sufficient progress or when they have stopped making progress. The criteria are objective, and your mother’s stay will not be “stretched” beyond what the criteria dictate. If the staff were to do such “stretching” it would constitute Medicare fraud. Won’t happen. </p>
<p>My mother, after her hip fracture surgery, was discharged from the SNF after only one month, as she did not meet the criteria to continue on in the rehab unit. She had to return to her IL apartment and I had to get a 24/7 caregiver. </p>
<p>I’m telling you this so you don’t count on her getting 100 days of Medicare-covered NH stay. It’s critical to get her to the AL as soon as possible.</p>
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<p>The house should close in time if you don’t prolong the process. In any case, I don’t see how they can make you take her to live with you in your house. They might, however, put a lien on your mother’s house, to be paid when the house sale closes.</p>
<p>About quoting, you have to highlight the text, copy & paste it into your reply box and type in [ quote ] before it and [ /quote ] after it (omitting the spaces immediately after and immediately before the brackets.)</p>
<p>The house is for sale. You could close anytime. Your mother can’t go back home. There is no need for a caregiver… You have to make other plans. Tell rehab she needs a place to go. The situation is deteriorating while you hesitate. </p>
<pre><code>Step 1: Let the caretaker go.
Step 2: Tell the realtor to make the deal happen NOW.
Step 3: Hire a specialist in moving elders to assisted living. Then step away.
</code></pre>
<p>dharma -here is a link to a thread that might be helpful regarding how to quote if you can’t get it from the instructions that have been provided so far; read post #2 in this thread for instructions
<a href=“Where is the "How To...?" link? - College Confidential Community - College Confidential Forums”>Where is the "How To...?" link? - College Confidential Community - College Confidential Forums;
<p>Quit saying the fear is she will move in with you. Just say No. Make up a reason, if you must- too many stairs, no one home, etc. This fear is another distraction. The way to eliminate it IS to move her to AL. And keep saying NO.</p>
<p>You don’t need to give her the perfect AL place. I think travelnut laid out before, what the real goals are- and it’s not that garden view or painting class or birthday dinner. You choose based on care quality and family needs, including proximity. You can hang her art and create a nice space, wherever.</p>
<p>Her condition today makes AL not a vacation or one of those long, active, idyllic retirements we all dream of. That;s not your fault, that’s fate.</p>
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<p>That is one of the most insightful things I have read. Sometimes it is hard to think this way, but it is necessary.</p>
<p>The SW said she would call me back this afternoon. If she doesn’t I will call her in the morning. Interestingly, the AL director 10 minutes away called today for a progress report on Adele and her plans. She was unsure (huh? why?) if they had a room today/few days (she said four tenants are moving levels of care exactly then) but she was sure to have a studio in Nov. She said the nursing assessment could be done at the NH. I will see how soon the SW can get her moved there or a sooner placement.
alh we can’t “close anytime.” Two big deals: the septic tank has to be replaced and the fields inspected.We cannot sell the house “as is;” safety and health issues, my realtor told me, must be addressed. My realtor and I have been working like speed devils to get this moving but the other realtor and his bidder are slow. I did email my realtor to say to the other that “time is of the essence.” But the bigger issue is the buried oil tank. By law it must be inspected and be problem-free. It is being inspected tomorrow am, soonest I could schedule it; the oil co that would do any repairs/replacements if the tank “fails” awaits my call tomorrow. The oil tank is the owner’s responsibility. I talked to the rep and said we would need to set up a payment plan. Quite reasonably he said, let’s just get the results first then talk about that.</p>
<p>Yes, Barbara will have to go.</p>
<p>Don’t forget, back in June my demanding mother demanded a live-in caregiver and a reverse-mortgage. She was vehemently opposed to AL, despite everyone’s advice to go and visit. The RM would have paid for three yrs of the caregiver. Depressed at home, she agreed to AL (visited four) after spending assets; her house went on the market and had a buyer within a week. My realtor is being persistent but the other realtor and the bidder are taking their time to respond to her calls and emails. </p>
<p>Interesting points CT mom and thanks for the help with quoting. </p>
<p>(I am hiding this in parenthesis because it is embarrassing. Yes, I should have insisted my mother go to aL months ago, but remember she is powerfully domineering and manipulative. I am getting stronger, I may be even or stronger than her now; I certainly have made progress. My sister, if she means it, offered $9,000. We may certainly need it. Because the septic and oil tanks are unknowns, we don’t know what we will need. I may need to go back to the BIL. It is important to keep in mind that he initiated the call so that counts for something. If we need cash to finish the repairs (I am asking the contractors to do their best to wait for payment, or most of it, until after the closing, if my sister doesn’t come through, I may have to ask my husband to ask his brother for what is, really, a very short term loan. Yes,
this turned into an unfortunate situation, I feel responsible and embarrassed, but I am following your advice so please keep it positive.)</p>
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<p>Yes placements can change very fast and rooms can open up fast AND be filled again fast.
Getting the nursing assessment done while your mother is in the NH is a good use of time and hopefully will speed up getting her into the AL.</p>
<p>Don’t waste any more time or energy (both of which are in short supply) entertaining regrets about mistakes made. Just keep your eye on the goal-- getting Mom into AL and the house sold ASAP.</p>
<p>I’m going to repeat this. This time, do exactly what I said, to quote posts. Pay attention to the part in bold. You must put in that part, including the word quote and the backslash, but remove the space.</p>
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<p>A further thought, so I get it it before you do is that, in self-castigation, I, my husband, and NO ONE WE KNOW every gives a thought to something like a septic system or a buried oil tank. When I think about my friends from graduate school in NYC, it is laughable to imagine the looks on their faces about such concerns. These as challenges (that require payment) I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT. When my parents bought this house 15 years ago, the inspector opened and closed the windows to make sure they worked.The roof didn’t leak. The gutters were fine. That was it. Nothing about the septic. Nothing about the buried oil tank. The house was built in the 50s, so shouldn’t an inspector, 15 years ago, have addressed these potential health hazards? </p>
<p>Good pt, thank you CT Mom. It is 4:15 and I haven’t heard back from the SW…</p>
<p>Two months ago, your mother had $60K. In the intervening time, she has gotten $3K in Social Security. Yet, somehow, now she only has $36K. She has pissed away $27K in two months. This has to stop NOW. Fire Barbara.</p>
<p>You have a willing buyer for the house. You need to sell it to them, NOW. Tell the realtor to make the sale happen. Lower the price to allow for the contingencies. It’s still better than keeping hemorrhaging money on the house.</p>
<p>Cardinal Fang, you have made my day by going to the trouble of posting those instructions. </p>
<p>BTW, I should have mentioned earlier, my realtor does call or email the other realtor about this transaction at least once a day.</p>
<p>Could you please come back and post when you cross items off Cardinal Fang’s list?</p>
<p>Dharmawheel – I say this in kindness, truly – I’m not a doctor, but I’m going to give you a diagnosis anyway: you have analysis paralysis. You keep trying to dredge up more and more detail. None of that is needed now. None. Zip. It is simple, it is YOU that is making it excessively complicated – and your unwillingness to simply follow the simple guidance is what is undermining your success. You have three simple steps. That is all.</p>
<ol>
<li>Fire Barbara. Period, end of sentence. Done.</li>
<li>Tell the social worker at the nursing home that mom needs a placement in assisted living (or a nursing home placement) and let the social worker help with that. This is no longer about what your mom would LIKE, it is about reality. The reality is that two months of fiddling around has left her with fewer options. Deal. As soon as a place is presented to you, write the check. Assume that the house WILL close on time. Don’t let the future worry of what might or might not happen three months down the line deter you. </li>
<li>Tell the real estate agent that the house must be sold, quickly. Do not explain why, provide spreadsheets, or otherwise get involved in the details. That is why you are paying the RE agent a commission. Let her earn it. </li>
</ol>
<p>Your mom is in a nursing home. Time to focus on your family and your life. Stop all discussions of loans, get rid of your spreadsheets. Even the tank guy was kindly trying to tell you that you’re creating problems where there might not even be any. </p>
<p>Right now you’re like a hamster with ADD spinning away on a wheel and wondering why you’re not getting things resolved. </p>
<p>Your job is simple. Three things. </p>
<p>When you tell the realtor (TODAY) that you need this deal done right now, the realtor will call the buyer’s agent and tell them you will lower the price $X in exchange for the buyers waiving the contingencies. And if X is big enough, the agent will tell the buyers, and they will accept the deal. The contract can be signed this weekend. Do it.</p>