<p>lookingforward, </p>
<p>I know just what you mean about consolidating tasks. Most of my errands are in the opposite direction of where my mother lives, so although she is really close by, it is still out of my way. The time adds up, the gasoline adds up, the wear and tear on me adds up. I’m just glad it isn’t farther. </p>
<p>It’s not just medical things that require our presence (and of course, visits). For me, the biggest thing is re-supply runs. Mom’s AL does not provide toothpaste, toilet paper, Depends, snacks, etc. That’s up to the resident/family. So when DharmaMom gets to the point where she doesn’t want to/can’t hop on the AL’s minivan and go to CVS for that stuff, Dharma will be really glad she doesn’t have to drive an hour each way just to deliver shampoo. </p>
<p>LasMa, that is exactly right. Mom’s IL apartments only offer one communal meal per day, so I have to shop for, and deliver, not only all the household and personal care consumables, but also food for her own breakfast and lunch plus 3 meals per day for her live-in caregiver. I have a lot of deliveries to make! Thank goodness she is nearby.</p>
<p>And the medical appointments! Everything from dental care, eye care, new eyeglasses/adjustment of old glasses, her primary care physician, her geriatric psychiatrist – I have to take Mom to all of them. Yes, transportation would be provided for free up to one town away, but Mom isn’t competent to discuss her health care or make decisions, so she needs me along. </p>
<p>I also pick up her meds from the pharmacy. Each week I fill the spare tray of her MedReady (a programmable medication carousel) with the next week’s meds, and go over to her apartment to load it into the MedReady.<br>
Having her farther away is inconceivable. </p>
<p>Dharma, I’m really glad you are planning to keep your mom close by. You will always be glad you did. Secure that spot!</p>
<p>I shouldn’t say that Mom’s AL doesn’t provide snacks. Near the dining room is a 24-hour “bistro” where residents can pick up donuts, pre-made sandwiches, apples/bananas, yogurt, and juice. But not, alas, her beloved Pepperidge Farm cookies and fancy cheese. ;)</p>
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The septic is a problem, and in an effort to move things more quickly, I wrote early this morning an email to my husband and the realtor about how to move faster but that my thoughts were still in the thinking stage. It depends on my husband agreeing with me. Will reveal later.</p>
<p>Dharma, this is an example of a digression that is not moving things forward. I don’t understand what the realtor is to make of this email, and she won’t either. What is the action item for her?/quote]</p>
<p>CF, believe me, I hear exactly how this sounds to you. But if I explain a little, it will make more sense. There was a BIG BIG deal about who would pay for the septic overhaul. We got a low estimate. In contrast, the bidder wanted to fix it himself (his company) and take off $15,000 off the price. All of us–the realtor included–were in the thinking stage. Here’s what happened. We got a copy of the report made by the bidder’s septic inspector. The inspector said it was impossible to estimate the cost because they had to go underground with a camera and see what needed to be done. I sent the buyer’s inspector’s report to MY inspector–I did not distrust the buyer’s inspector’s report–and MY inspector said the situation is clearly more complicated that it first appeared; we cannot give you an estimate until we get to work.</p>
<p>So I said “thinking stage” because I wanted the realtor’s advice (without her I hadn’t made u[p my mind) and had to get the ok from my husband who was not available to FOLLOW YOUR ADVICE and sell the house for $15,000 less as I knew you would advise and let the buyer do the work.My husband said okay and I later called the realtor and told her to tell the other realtor we would let THEM do the work. She was savvy. She said she would first say $12,000 less. If he said no, she would counter $10,000 less; and then agree to #15,000 less.</p>
<p>I have to come back here after I pick up my DD3 at middle school and post the remarkable news about my mother’s new / soon to change / future – arrangements I made today. (This indicates I am listening.)</p>
<p>Sorry, that should NOT have all come out in grey quotation.The quotation signals are emphatically only around CFs text, not mine at all. I will have to practice/preview some more.</p>
<p>As far as the septic goes, as another poster noted at the time, we doubt he really expected you to agree to 15k less for a 5k repair. He may have been hoping to split the difference. Bargaining at the bazaar.</p>
<p>Now, maybe there will be more septic work required, now or in the near future. But we can’t keep referring to some outrageous 15k drop as if it is fixed in cement. You are still in discussions.</p>
<p>Yes, my realtor offered this morning to pay less/not lower the price as much as $15,000. But my original estimate was done without a site visit/ inspection @ 4,250, I think it was. Actually, I think it would have been more proper for a visual inspection to be done on something as important as a septic tank/system.But it turned out not be be a “5K repair” as I thought. The buyer paid for a thorough underground examination and the written report I was forwarded; the report reported on drastic problems, too numerous to report, involving driveways, neighbors’ properties, tree root interference, and problems with the septic fields that he could visualize but would need a camera to assess. I’m sure to an experienced septic expert he could estimate a “ballpark” estimate but none was given with the report. As I said, my realtor will try to bargain down that $15,000.</p>
<p>She said it is frustrating because the bidder’s realtor is the head of a Real Estate Office that employs FIFTY realtors. I have never heard of such a thing. Hence the delays, waits for emails and phone calls. </p>
<p>Responding back to a morning post: Was not suggesting your mom could now get tank insurance (she can’t) – was wondering if she had it all along and maybe you didnt know. I cant imagine having an underground tank without tank insurance.</p>
<p>Really? She loves to have me look over and over her documents like will, living will, POA, birth certificates, etc etc etc. If she had tank insurance, I think I would have seen it. I see deeds, surveys,etc. She was always very, very good about keeping her files in good order.</p>
<p>My dad had it for decades. One company stopped underwriting and the next door neighbor (who had the same insurance) found the powderhorn one then. They did a soil test at tat time before writing the insurance. It is not very expensive and potentially saves you a boatload of money if you have a spill.</p>
<p>How did the test go today? When will you get the results?</p>
<p>This is a follow-up to the post I wrote around 9 this morning. This afternoon the Director of Admissions at Clover Lake 10 minutes away said they had an opening a “deluxe studio.” I said I would take it NOW and already mailed her the (refundable should anything not work out) check. She is sending me the application. All the medical work and nurse’s assessments will be done in the nursing home. We talked about all the details, including how to move in. The monthly cost is $4,999. She will NOT have to get all new MDs and will have transportation to the medical center. This is her third choice (this is where she insisted on having a “second meal”) but I am going to insist, because of the proximity, that she stay there.</p>
<p>I have made the arrangements without telling her or consulting her. Openings are RARE and waiting lists are common. I’ll tell her for years if necessary that there is still a “waiting list” at her first choice. I had to grab it.</p>
<p>I wish the social worker would call me back. I hate to be a pest, but I left her three voice mails and said the matter was somewhat urgent. Weakling as I am, I want the Social Worker to tell my mother the steps I have taken. The Social Worker observed my mother’s anger towards me at the “exit” interview. I want the SWs thoughts about whether I should write my mother a warm letter, explaining the choices I have made, her financial difficulties (focusing on the house) and that by keeping Barbara she would run out of money. I should shape the letter firmly, but express love and concern. Does this seem like a good idea or an odd one? Last choice, I would go to the NH in person but I would want the SW in the room with me. </p>
<p>So, all our talk about the septic coming in at 5k and them coming down 15k…and it was never inspected by your side-? This is hard to follow. We were giving advice based on a 5k cost to do whatever repairs. </p>
<p>Re: oil. Fwiw, I just called my oil co (not NYS) and confirmed the plan to repair a tank is separate from the usual annual maintenance contract. But there is also another plan in the event of a spill from a faulty tank. </p>
<p>I was able to confirm by calling the oil company; they had the records, as they are my supplier.</p>
<p>Good work, Dharma!</p>
<p>I think it would be peculiar for a daughter to write such a letter to her mother. If you don’t want to explain to her what is going to happen-- and I quite understand, given your history with her, why you wouldn’t want to-- have the social worker or the discharge planner explain it. The news should be delivered face to face. If a professional does it, they can be firm but kind while answering questions. </p>
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<p>You go girl!!! AWESOME job!!!</p>
<p>No on the letter. You and she and the SW could have a meeting. No need for a lot of detailed history. The house is being sold, this great opening came up, we had to grab it. Remember that if she’d been reasonable two months ago, she could have had more input. She chose the caregiver detour instead, and thereby backed herself into a corner. Her decision. Now she’s bearing the consequences of it. </p>
<p>Post 313 is good news and I’m sure we’re all pleased you jumped. </p>
<p>You don’t have to tell your mother anything, at this point. Agree, no letter. In part because it’s something for her to read, re-read, process in her own way, re-read to really get her stew on- and hold in her hand when she lashes out. Skip it.</p>
<p>You do not have to apologize to your mother. Just find words- “the doctors said so,” “no openings at the other,” “so many people recommended this place,” etc. (Well, it’s true we said go with the ten min drive.)</p>
<p>But when does she move? What exit interview?</p>
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<p>Yeah, the quote mechanism worked. jym626, excuse me for not scrolling back, but I think it was you who said your *&^%$# realtor insisted on a “tank inspection” rather than a soil inspection.Did I get that right? My realtor also explained the two choices, explained the first was more reliable, and that she recommended it. Inspecting the tank itself as opposed to inspecting the soil seems peculiar to me. Can’t the tank be bad but the soil test out okay? Anyway, before I read your post I scheduled the tank inspection for this morning. As I expected, for a tank over 20 years old, it failed. The cost to take out the tank, fix the soil, and put a new tank in the basement is not astronomical; I called three places and the lowest cost is $2,785 which involves a soil test that is sent to a lab. But the woman I spoke to said their policy was to take a 1/2 deposit and 1/2 when the work is done. But what if the soil tests bad? Maybe they mean they want the second 1/2 after the soil sample is complete and good soil replaces the bad (expensive and scary).</p>
<p>The other two companies are exploring whether they will take a down payment at the time of the work and the rest after the closing. This would be better, even if the tank cost were higher. I am waiting to hear back from the supervisor from whom we have bought oil for 29 years. That should count for something.</p>
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<p>Yes. You learn so much along the way. My septic co quoted me $4,250ish for a new tank without inspecting the site. In hindsight, this seems foolish to me. Absolutely, to repair a tank is separate from the usual maintenance contract. But what is the “other plan in the event of a spill from a faulty tank?” All I have heard from everybody is that the contaminated soil has to be removed and replaced with clean soil.</p>
<p>Sorry, what do you mean “We were given advice based on a 5K cost to do whatever repairs”?(Do you mean “me” or “we”" because $5K was about what I was quoted.) The range of potential failures associated with a septic tank and septic fields is so vast, I don’t see how a company can give a solid estimate without exploring the problem(s).</p>