<p>We were giving septic advice based on thinking it was a 5k job. Didn’t we get that figure from you? Even yesterday, “I could have taken $15,000 less off the selling price because of the septic against my paying $4,250 to have my team do the job.” But now it turns out that was not a firm number. See, we were trying to follow and weigh- it all seemed a 15k lower offer based on $4250. Part of what you saw as “sneaky.” But now it’s something different. As you now say not a solid estimate.</p>
<p>Yes, Cardinal Fang, after a few minutes on musing on it, too, I thought a letter would be peculiar, too. You know, its just because I’m afraid to talk to her and get yelled (screamed) at.</p>
<p>But the SW just called back! She had spoken to the Admissions Director of The Plaza at Clover Lake before she called me and knew of and said she heartily approved of the choice I made. Without my asking, she said she would tell my mother herself the entire news, and she said that at a “care assessment” meeting on Wednesday (I must attend), she would say that it was her decision for moving my mother from the NH to the AL. It seems a little odd, but for whatever reason she wants me to be left-out of the decision-making process. Must come from past experience. </p>
<p>jym626, I will call and ask my mother if she has tank insurance. How come–and I am the one in the family that deals with the oil company–hasn’t my oil company mentioned tank insurance to me? Because the tank is in the basement?</p>
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<p>Thank you LasMa, for what I guess is almost a vote of confidence. Your earlier post was entirely true but got me a little down because, you know, I was–you could almost say gripped–by the power of a very manipulative woman. I could tell you stories from my childhood that would give you nightmares.</p>
<p>I have to see a SW every few months as a requirement for medication management (a prophylactic low-dose antidepressant) and shock the SW with stories about my past (and keep her up to date), stories I don’t tell here.</p>
<p>Yes, they said, one plan to cover the tank itself and a different plan to cover costs associated with any spills. The latter costs a little more but offers mega dollars against a clean-up. Beats me, why they don’t combine them. But product insurance offerings are usually statistically driven. Or maybe some state guidelines.</p>
<p>On a personal note, am guessing the SW does have experience how to communicate the move. Your mother will later possibly still fuss at you. Just keep repeating the key phrases the SW uses. You have done well by getting this move started. </p>
<p>Not an “almost” vote of confidence, Dharma, a real one. And you’ve followed through today, and Mom is going to AL, and this difficult step is now behind you! Another day for the Win column. And you should give yourself a pat on the back. You never could have written this paragraph two months ago:</p>
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<p>I’m quoting it again so that you can savor the decisiveness, the independence, the sheer, well, balls you demonstrated. You have it in you.</p>
<p>I think we all have a sense of your nightmare childhood, and I’m sure the details are even worse than what we know. LF speaks for me as well when she says she understands why you wouldn’t want to have this conversation one on one. I get it. Sounds like the NH staff has things well in hand. Good job.</p>
<p>Dharmawheel: Hooray for you!!!</p>
<p>Excellent news about Mom going to the AL! Also good that the SW will be delivering the news. I’m sure they have dealt with a lot of difficult older people and know how to smooth the way.</p>
<p>Hurrah! A placement. Savor the moment. You worked so hard to make this happen! Congratulations! </p>
<p>That is great news. She has 2 choices- take it or leave it.</p>
<p>I am confused again about your reference to your appts with your own SW. They can’t prescribe your meds. Are you saying as long as you go at least quarterly that your MD will write the script? And with all going on, maybe it would be wise to use her support a bit more frequently til the dust settles. Therapy is a good thing. </p>
<p>As for the tank insurance, if you haven’t seen a bill in a year, then your mom doesn’t have it. As for your house, your tank is in the basement. May be less of a risk of a problem as its not exposed to the elements. I would highly recommend people in the NE with old underground tanks (dads was original to his house) have tank insurance. For the ones inside, may be less of a concern. </p>
<p>The soil test involves drilling down in multiple areas around the tank and some other areas of the lawn to test for any petroleum or traces of it. It is far less intrusive than blowing CO2 into the tank, which they do for a tank test.
Since your tank test failed, NY State will now assign a spill # to it. Please don’t do too much research, but you can read this:<a href=“Spill Response & Remediation FAQ - NYS Dept. of Environmental Conservation”>http://www.dec.ny.gov/chemical/8692.html</a> </p>
<p>When the tank is removed, they will better be able to see where the leak is and what they need to do to remediate it. Think of it as a cancerous mole that is being removed. For a mole, they cut skin farther away from the edge of the mole to be sure they have “clean margins” meaning enough of what may have been clean tissue to be sure they got all of the bad cells. So if there is a minor leak under or next to the tank, they dig the dirt several feet from the spot, and have to take it to a special place to dispose of it. They then take soil samples all around the contaminated area and send it in to the lab for testing. When that soil tests as clean, the contractor submits it to the state to get the spill # removed as the soil has been remedied.</p>
<p>Hopefully its a minor issue, as ours was. I heard of one horror story (in NJ) where the tank had been leaking for a long time, seeped down into the water table and contaminated the soil under many houses on their street. Her house became essentially unsellable until that was remedied, to the tune of many, many thousands of dollars. I think (hope) that is rare.</p>
<p>Way to go, Dharma! It’s important that you learn to let other people do their jobs, like having the SW tell your mother and letting the realtor sell the house. So happy for you that there was an opening at one of the ALs, and that it’s close to you. I can concur with others here, based on my own experience, that you will be making frequent trips to the AL, especially the first few months after your mother moves in.</p>
<p>As far as getting in to the AL facility: I just toured one in anticipation of my folks needing it someday. It was very nice and I got the impression they will do a lot of the paperwork and details in order to get you (a paying customer!) in. </p>
<p>The saleswoman remarked that they have doctors who can assist with the medical reviews if you can’t get to your own doc, etc etc. </p>
<p>Remember they want you as much as you want them so let them help you !</p>
<p>Great news, Dharma. Good job!</p>
<p>From lLooking forward,
[quote]
We were giving septic advice based on thinking it was a 5k job. Didn’t we get that figure from you? Even yesterday, “I could have taken $15,000 less off the selling price because of the septic against my paying $4,250 to have my team do the job.” But now it turns out that was not a firm number. See, we were trying to follow and weigh- it all seemed a 15k lower offer based on $4250. Part of what you saw as “sneaky.” But now it’s something different. As you now say not a solid estimate.[/]</p>
<p>Sorry to belabor the pt, but some of us OCD types like the details. Skip if you don’t care.</p>
<p>LF, just want to be sure we have the same understanding. When I asked my septic co - 29 yrs service–what a new septic tank cost I was told $4,250. It never occurred to me that my company–one mile down the road–should at least have come and removed the cement cover to look at the tank. You don’t just give a number without knowing the situation, I know that now. The buyer wants the house. He paid himself for a septic inspection. I have a copy of the two-page inspection. It goes into extraordinary detail about current damage and possible damage that means ground has to excavated and a camera used to inspect even things like property lines, and he perceived evidence that the septic fields are compromised. When I first wrote about the difference between $4,250 and $15,000 I had NOT seen this report or know about the complexity. Although it was clearly bad news, I actually admired this report because it was very well written, organized and succinct.I even imagine pasting it in here but that is completely absurd, and only proves how drowning I am in these details I used to teach writing.</p>
<p>I forwarded this report to my co who did NOT offer to look at the septic as a courtesy; I simply got a reply that the extent of the work to be done was clearly extensive and the original estimate was void. The letter was not written carefully. Neither company can predict the cost. $15,000 is either an arbitrary number the potential buyer came up with, or a figure the examiner told him the cost would be “more or less.” It would be unethical of me to call this company and ask for a estimate; I won’t even ask my realtor because I know she will tell me I can’t do that. They are in a small, trusty town in upper Dutchess County. I do not think they do rip-offs. My realtor countered with 10 (I think I wrote this already),will go to $12, and if necessary, accept $15.</p>
<p>As has been advised here much, the important thing is to make the deal. $15,000 will give my mother 3 more months in AL…her money combined with social security, and by that time, she will probably be in a nursing home. </p>
<p>Oil tank: I will be very succinct. Have talked to three in detail. All will agree to terms: some $ up front and the rest at closing. Two of the three also do soil remediation, and I want one of them for the job should that be necessary. One woman was exceptionally knowledgeable and told me much more–stuff about permits etc–that the other two companies didn’t mention. She asked her supervisor about payment. She said he would make up his mind today if he would accept a quasi-contract style letter that the cost would be paid off at closing. I told her to tell him, we would be happy to supply him with such a letter from our lawyer. I called at 8 am–her name is Chrissy–I called again at 7 pm–she was still there! I said, Go home! But she said she would still stay to email her supervisor about what I said about the lawyer.</p>
<p>Turned out, that wasn’t very succinct, but I did try. I think there is a condition/diagnosis for writing long, does anybody know?</p>
<p>Sorry, the quotation didn’t work again, why? When I previewed it looked just right. Sorry.</p>
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<p>Tyype now</p>
<p>The post above is a mistake–an experiment in quoting that I THOUGHT I had successfully erased but it posted anyway. Sorry.</p>
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<p>Because I have had mild but still recognizably real depression in the past, given my family history, my shrink wants me to stay on 10m of Lexapro a day. I have always functioned incredibly well, it has never interfered with my life, and I have felt fine for years. But I see the MD once a month. For 18 years I had an incredible shrink who was born in China during the bombing of Chungking. Her father was a General with Chiang Kai Shek. When my husband’s publishing co went bankrupt and he was unemployed, she say me for free. When she retired (age 80 or so) I had trouble finding anyone in my plan (it must have been COBRA) at the time, so I simply went to the not-so-far clinic. The other clients, of course, are very unhappy, in bad situations, alcoholics, drug abusers, etc. Most of them see the SWs only. The MD comes in one day a week and I have to see him for 15 minutes. (I wrote this in a PM to a friend, so if you are reading, please forgive the repetition). To get a shrink, the clinic had to pull a Park Avenue shrink out of his retirement in posh Millbrook. All his clients after me cance (unreliable people with problems, obviously)l, so we talk on and on. He is fascinated with my mother’s story. I asked him when he began practicing and he said the 60s and we talked about the days when mothers were blamed for their child’s schizophrenia, autism, etc. We talk about the whole profession over the years, the miracle of meds, and he explained to me the goals of psychoanalysis and how it was so different from cognitive behavioral therapy or simple “therapy.” </p>
<p>The rules are, to see the MD once a month, I have to see the SW every six months. In July and August, I saw her every week. She is kind and sympathetic and has come up with a few good ideas. But nothing like the advice I have gotten here. I doubt she has any experience with elder-care issues. </p>
<p>But last time I saw her, she posed an interesting question. She asked me, “Do you think about your mother all the time?” I had to pause and really think. I replied, “Yes and no. I am very happy with my husband, my children, and my enjoyments in life (my dog, my books, my friends) but yes, though it is often at a low threshold and other things are far uppermost in my mind, I probably do think about my mother all the time.”</p>
<p>I wonder, how would you answer that question?</p>
<p>I did have a long talk with Barbara about how her job was over and she was great. Her payroll goes directly into her bank account. She is coming up with a driver on Sunday to get her stuff and to get some books about Poland and Pope John Paul II. I want to give her a card with some money. We kind of messed up her life. I gave her $100 for her birthday. I will give her cash as a parting gift.</p>
<p>Starting today, I will have to undo all the time-consuming work I had to do to hire Barbara.</p>
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[quote}“Do you think about your mother all the time?” I had to pause and really think. I replied, “Yes and no. I am very happy with my husband, my children, and my enjoyments in life (my dog, my books, my friends) but yes, though it is often at a low threshold and other things are far uppermost in my mind, I probably do think about my mother all the time.”[quote]
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<p>When things were all in a chaotic mess, yes, I did. My mom is in a snf doing rehab with plans to discharge and I feel things are so set that no I don’t. But I could also say when my kids went off to college at first I did think of them all the time, wondering how they were, etc. I think the question is how long have you been thinking about her all the time? Days, weeks, months or years?</p>
<p>Ha! I tried the quote thing and it quoted what I said, not you. You aren’t the only one who can’t figure it out.</p>
<p>Apologies, but it is nicer to refer to psychiatrists as just that, not “shrinks”.
And as others have suggested here, it may be best to stay focused on the issues related to your mom’s placement and your challenges with that. The other side stories (you have shared the story about the chinese therapist on the other thread before) or the clientele at the local clinic, is distracting. Personally, with all you are going through, I would think that seeing a therapist on a more regular basis to work through issues is far more advisable and beneficial for you rather than just going for a periodic check in in order to get your Rx refilled. You don’t ask the therapist for recommendations on eldercare.In therapy, you can work though your feelings and issues and guilt and trouble staying focused on the priorities and to explore why there is a tendency to digress to side issues that bog you down. This would help YOU. You are entitled to feel better.</p>
<p>When will the oil tank be removed? That could take a few weeks to schedule and you want to do that before the weather turns cold. We rand into cold weather and frozen soil issues. You don’t want that.</p>