<p>For heavens sake. You didnt mess up Barbara’s life. This is a job. And caring for the elderly often has interruptions due to illness, etc. Thats the nature of this kind of industry. And it was going to be short term, only til the end of the year anyway. So give her a small gift when she comes, but if money is tight, make it what you can afford, not because of any feeling of guilt.</p>
<p>As for the oil tank, dont waste your time with a company that wont do the remediation. You want a one stop shop. Its hopefully only a few thousand dollars. You have the money. trying to tie it to the closing, which may or may not happen (hopefully will, but you never know) is adding a burden to the contractors and is wasting time waiting for approval. You have the $ from her account. Set it aside and get it done!</p>
<p>Although I certainly don’t want to scold, I agree with jym626 about therapy. I have seen several therapists over the years and the degree they had didn’t really correspond with the quality. Two of the best, including the one I see now, are MSWs. They took years of clinical training in psychotherapy after they concluded the “social worker” degree. They are both sole practitioners with busy practices. A third great therapist who, alas, died before we could finish, had a doctorate in education. She was a psychiatrist in eastern Europe and came here as a political refugee. Brilliant woman.</p>
<p>On the other hand, I can certainly understand that this would be a difficult time for Dharmawheel to start checking out therapists. I found my therapist after a major, life-disturbing crisis with my dad and stepmother had just ended. I found that I just couldn’t relax, I was totally stressed out, even though the crisis had abated. I asked a bunch of my friends for recommendations and I know how lucky I am to have found this woman that way.</p>
<p>Dharma, therapy helps. It really helps.I know you had someone who helped you once before. I also know that it can be overwhelming to think about starting with someone new who knows nothing about you–I worried a lot about that because I have wasted time with therapists that didn’t click with me, however many credentials they had. I didn’t really look until I absolutely had to for that reason, but I knew from visit number one that this one would help me, and she definitely does help me.</p>
<p>Let me add to what jym is saying. When we “project manage,” there are lots of details. But the way we handle it expeditiously (and maintain our sanity- and do no collateral damage) is by focusing on priority bullets. </p>
<p>At this point, I can’t tell if you and the buyer settled on who (seller or buyer) fixes what, a house price, and when a contract will be signed. All 3 are dependent on each other. (Secondary to that, don’t know if he is pre-approved, which would help speed the actual closing.) </p>
<p>At this point, with the AL started, different points may move very quickly. We want offer thoughts, but (only) on the right points, at the right time. IF you are going to handle the oil tank, pick one vendor today. Get it scheduled. If the cost is under 5k, just see it as needed home maintenance and pay for it. Spare yourself the wrangling, waiting for people to talk to bosses and get back to you. </p>
<p>We can talk about how our parents cloud our thoughts when we all come up for air, later. :)</p>
<p>jym626, thank you for your comment on referring to psychiatrists by their well-earned professional names. I certainly respect that. I don’t know where you live, but I live near NYC and everybody I know says “shrinks” but I picked up the habit. One of my friends calls all her MDs by their first names without asking, which as a professional I would object to. Also, sorry for the distracting remarks - I don’t know what accounts for it - a cluttered mind? Everyone here is so clear-minded, decisive, and focused. </p>
<p>Yes, two of the companies deal with soil remediation and I will choose one of them. I just met with the unfortunate rep from the losing company ( they don’t do soil remediation); he inspected the house (for some reason he wanted to visit the site; the other two companies don’t) and read the report on the tank test, spoke to his all-knowing boss, quoting the tank test, and from the report it doesn’t sound like it failed because of soil contamination.Too bad he is doing this for no reward, because since they don’t do soil remediation I have to exlude them. I should hear quotes and payment plans from the other two companies today and will say I need an answer by Monday. But I do need a payment plan in case the soil is contaminated.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Actually, this is pretty much what I do in therapy, but we don’t talk about digression because I don’t digress like I do on paper. “Very useful therapy” seems odd to me because I don’t think I have disabling feelings and issues. (Probably a LOT of disagreement there.) I feel fine. What I have are a lot of PROBLEMS. </p>
<p>I don’t know if this is a digression or not. My husband and I have been married for 35 years and have gone through and supported each other through a lot (death of a 2 year old son–years ago–a 5 year job loss-2 years ago-2 possibly life-threatening surgeries for me). We know each other intimately, strengths and flaws, and talk for a long time every evening. We are both each other’s best advocate and critic. Does this daily intimate exchange that involves thinking and self-examination and the willingness to accept critique count as therapy?</p>
<p>Therapy is therapy- with a therapist. In their office (I am not a fan of on line or teletherapy, but I digress). And talking about your history, while compelling, is , to be frank, a digression as is is not relevant to the immediate issues in front of you.</p>
<p>It is easy to stay focused-- ask yourself “is this important? If I only have time to do/say one thing, which will it be?” And decide.</p>
<p>As for the guy who came out- people come out to do estimates all the time. Its part of their job and they know it.</p>
<p>Your right, actually while I was typing the guy from the company we’ve been with for 29 years called and asked to come over to do an assessment.</p>
<p>I will keep your remark about staying focused in mind.It is important in almost most contexts/situations. My husband, also, is a great digress or (can’t get these word particles to stick together), even worse than me. I wonder how we could help each other with that. Or does it matter? It doesn’t make either of us unhappy; we talk to share.</p>
<p>You seem like a good pairing. That doesn’t mean the two of you can function as a trained therapists. One of the key points in therapy is that their training and professional-only relationship with us allows them a clearer perspective and sense of how to actually progress. Our loved ones tend to validate our feelings and that’s only one thing we need. </p>
<p>So, if you wish to contract with someone who can do soil remediation, if needed, let them take their steps and schedule the actual work asap. </p>
<p>A comment about speed. These guys like to make their schedules work. But we all know that in a pinch, they can turn on a dime. </p>
<p>Did you read the link I posted a day or more ago about oil spills and “remediation”? <a href=“Spill Response & Remediation FAQ - NYS Dept. of Environmental Conservation”>http://www.dec.ny.gov/chemical/8692.html</a> In most cases it is a matter of simply removing the contaminated soil and filling it in with ok soil, and dumping the contaminated soil in a special identified location. In most cases it is no big deal. If you have groundwater contamination, that is different. ASK the guys when they come what they do as part of remediation. </p>
<p>How we talk to our spouses usually differs from how we talk to friends, work associates and in an online conversation. And definitely differs from therapy (which differs from “counseling”) But I digress. Lets focus on getting the house sold and making sure you are prepared with a “sound bite” should your mom try to sabotage the placement. First things first. Dont veer off to the side.</p>
<p>To clarify-- When we had the tank removed, they could see what the soil looked like, what dirt they needed to remove and did it all in one -2 days- removing soil and filling it in- and then installing the basement tank. Be efficient! You will not get the spill # removed til the soil test comes back from the lab after remediation</p>
<p>Dharma, we’ve been thinking all this time that you’re getting therapy, but seeing an MD and SW periodically to get meds isn’t therapy. It’s med management.</p>
<p>You mentioned that the SW has come up with some ideas about your situation, but not as good as the ones here. That’s all well and good, but the purpose of therapy isn’t to glean tactical suggestions. The purpose of therapy is to delve into habits of thought, emotion and behavior which are not serving you well, and to address root causes. </p>
<p>For example, let’s go back a couple of months. The tactical question at the time was “How do I persuade Mom to go to AL?” and you got lots of feedback here on that question. Some of the therapy questions would have been, “Why at age 50-something am I still unable to say No to my mother? Why am I willing to harm myself and my family in order to do her bidding? Why do I not trust other people to do their jobs, and feel I must do everything myself?” </p>
<p>Very deep, very tough questions. But questions which, if worked through with a good therapist, would change your life.</p>
<p>Btw, I say that as someone who’s struggled with those very questions. Luckily, I found a wonderful therapist when I was in my 30s. It changed everything for me.</p>
<p>You didn’t mess up Barbara’s life! You gave her employment and a goodly chunk of money, and now she can find another job that will do the same. People who choose caregiving as a job know the way it works. </p>
<p>Any time we have had to say goodbye to caregivers (always amicably), I have written them a detailed letter of recommendation with my contact information, signed 2 copies and mailed the letters to them at their home address. The caregivers have listed me as a reference when applying with new agencies, and I do receive calls from these employers checking up on references.</p>
<p>A gift card is nice too, but a letter of recommendation may make a real difference in helping her get other jobs, and costs nothing but time.</p>
<p>Looking forward, I can clarify easily. My realtor calls or emails the bidder’s realtor twice daily. We have a Yes from the bidder’s realtor that he “believes” the bidder will pay for the repairs for the septic…but that he is trying to reach the bidder for a firm Yes. This is terribly frustrating.</p>
<p>On our end, we have agreed to have the oil tank tested and any/all remediation made at our cost. I had two inspectors go over the whole oil fill/ground/furnace/pipes, etc. today. It took all day. One price wa $1,000 higher than the other. Both men scrutinized the language in the report of the tank failure and because “hissing” and “no water” and loose valves were cited, both men were confident that (although it cannot be ruled out) that the tank is not leaking. One technician had been servicing my mother’s furnace for 15 years and noted that the tank was only ten years old and double lined. The second quote was $1,000 less (around $5K to take out old tank and set up and install and fill with oil new tank). We are going to sign the contract with this company I and my husband have been with for 29 years; deliver it on Monday; and the work can begin mid/late in the week.</p>
<p>I wrote a terse email to my realtor (not intended for her) inviting her to forward my email in full, to parphrase, or summarize, whatever was best in her judgment. I explained that our oil technician said that the tank, based on the report from US Tank Tech, would probably pass with a $1K partial removal of soil and tightening of lines and valves. The tank was only 10 years old. I pointed out that we were choosing to replace the tank at a cost of $5,000, when another company (who did not give us a site visit but a quote on the phone) sai they would do the job for $3,750. We were choosing the long-time, more expensive company and moving forward on the work. </p>
<p>Because of the work necessary on the septic (impossible to give a quote with so many unknowns) the bidder lowered his bid by $15,000 to $115,000. I pointed out that the house across the street sold a few months ago for $240,000, had three bedrooms, and no garage, while my mother’s property had 4 bedrooms, a two-car automatic attached garage, and a beautiful landscaped property. I said we would agree to $220,000.</p>
<p>So, to summarize, we have CONFUSION about a simple issue;
No price ageement;
No contrct</p>
<p>I ended the email with noting that we had fulfilled all the requirements of their inspector’s report or were in the process of doing so in an extremely timsely fashion and were not getting timely responses addressing their reponsibilities. My realtor will probably take all that part out. But the buyer was the one eager to do the septic inspection himself and pay for it by an agreed-upon lowering price of the house, and he is who is unreponsive. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>jym626, yes I DID read that thorough article, and more besides. The company we will sign with also provides soil remediation; the rep offered me excellent post-closing payment arrngement should any soil remediation be necessary, but, as I said, both men doubted that any leakage would be discovered. </p>
<p>LasMa, your post 329 is wonderful and very useful. I have to think hard about how to proceed, and what you noted and your remarks are very helpful.I wonder if I can break open my mind and live more fully. It was my fault for staying EIGHTEEN YEARS with the Chinese psychiatrist (MD) who did not push me to explore how to help myself and how she could help me. She entirely didn’t understand mother issues , being Chinese, and had both parents living with her. We just enjoyed being together.</p>
<p>The phone is ringing an it is my SISTER, can you believe it? I heard the phone say “caller Reno NV” and my husband is chatting with her…Oh, the suspense!</p>
<p>Now it makes better sense. Thx. Not to confuse things but, you said they will refill the tank. In my state, at closing, they also charge the buyer for the $ amount of oil in the tank. Ask your broker. </p>
<ol>
<li><p>Tell your current oil company about the competing bid to do the removal/remediation and ask if they can match it. The reason I asked if you had read the link is because it explains the standard remediation procedures. Seems unusual to me that a company would remove the tank but not be prepared to address the soil, but what do I know. All I know is I wouldn’t use that company, and you aren’t.</p></li>
<li><p>Have you had any other showings other than this potential buyer? Any other offers? If there is strong interest from other potential buyers. its a way to put the squeeze on the current buyer. You have to consider the possibility that he could be looking at other properties.</p></li>
<li><p>How long has your mom lived in that house? Has she done any major repairs? When was the roof last replaced?</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Dharma, jym is right. An eager buyer wouldn’t be stringing you along like this. Your realtor should still be actively marketing the house. At the very least, give the guy a deadline to sign the contract. </p>
<p>Dharma,
There is something that I don’t understand. </p>
<p>Your listed price is still $250,000 but you came to an informal agreement with this person (who has yet to actually make a written offer) for 230,000 and now he wants to pay only 215,000?</p>
<p>Why not just lower the listing price? Maybe that would bring other people around to see it, and you’d get a written offer from someone else? Maybe even more than one. </p>
<p>I get the feeling that this person thinks the house is his for whatever lowball price he cares to offer because there is no one else interested yet. But if you are prepared to come down so much, why not just drop the price for all to see, and get some others interested? If he really wants it maybe he’ll realize someone else may buy it out from under him, and stop lowballing you?</p>
<p>We have it all figured out. The old tank is nearly full and the new tank is smaller and will not hold all the oil. The oil company is going to take the extra oil down the block to my house and put it in my tank, which is only 1/4 full.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Absolutely correct, that was a typo. We are countering at $220,000.</p>
<p>About other buyers etc. No one is looking at the house and this buyer has paid to have the septic inspected and it is a disaster. We would have to disclose this to any new interested party (at least I would feel it was only fair to and not hide the faulty septic. Read above about the terse email I told my realtor to send to the buyer’s realtor, or to paraphrase it.</p>
<p>Because we need the money, we need to sell soon. I thought a few days ago you were advising me to take an offer and MOVE. My letter–or parts of it–will take it clear today to the realtor/buyer that we are getting impatient. </p>
<p>Hope that helps. My realtor is also very experienced and always has interesting and useful things to say about the maneuvers of buyers and buyer psychology etc. I can talk to her later today.</p>
<p>OMG MUST tell you. My sister and I had a very fruitful and laughter-filled conversation last night. I asked her, “What should I do with mom’s wedding dress? Sell it on ebay?” I almost fell off my chair when she said “I want it.” She wasn’t kidding.</p>
<p>No one is looking at the house You want new people looking at the house. In case.<br>
This bidder may have paid for an inspection but he has not signed a contract or made a deposit. In business terms, it’s been weeks with him and he keeps lowering. So, to attract fresh attention, CTMom suggests lowering the 250 asking price. If this bidder settles, good. But just in case, CYA, cover your a**. </p>
<p>Has nothing to do with hiding septic issues. They exist, no matter what. Let your agent advise you on disclosing, per NY law. </p>
<p>Yes, we want you to sell fast, (ideally, a good and fair offer.) You don’t have a final agreement with this first guy. You’re willing to accept 220, so why not just lower the 250 to 240-245 and see if someone else crops up. </p>
<p>“they also charge the buyer for the $ amount of oil in the tank” refers to the oil in your mother’s new tank. Not the excess that goes down the street. If you get a contract, I’ll explain more then.</p>
Luckily, I found a wonderful therapist when I was in my 30s. It changed everything for me.</p>