Newbie questions about 24/7 caregivers: legal questions, etc.

Parent Cafe
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<p>Just a thought, be sure to find out the dimensions of the studio in order to help you decide what furniture will fit and pre-decide exactly where it will go. Doorways, windows etc. need to be considered in furniture placement and selection. </p>

<p>My mother’s furniture from her house would not fit into her IL apartment. She needed all new furniture that was smaller. A small electric recliner/lift chair. A love seat instead of her old sofa. A smaller DR table with drop leaves. A twin bed. New dresser, bed stand. New TV and new TV table that provided space for her photo albums. Cost of all the new stuff was about $5000. Raymour & Flanagan delivered. </p>

<p>Also consider getting renter’s insurance for her. If sprinklers go off and ruin everything, she will need money to replace them. My mother’s renter’s insurance costs only about $100/year. </p>

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<p>You noticed! How observant you are. It was Sunday, and at noon we got the call from the realtor that the bidder had accepted to agree at $220,000. So DH and I talked for hours; the children went to bed; I went to look at my thread; husband cooked. Very unusual to be up that late. In fact, I am sometimes in bed with a book at 8:30/ The girls (and I) have to get up at 6.</p>

<p>I spent 5 hours today totally devoted to closing my mother’s Comcast and Verizon accounts. Issues and misinformation from representatives that can only make you “laugh or cry.”</p>

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[quote]
Please, keep your mom nowhere near this process. My mom made things even more difficult. Everything item was precious, everything required a walk down memory lane.{/quote]</p>

<p>Quite an interesting post eyeamom, and good advice. I am determined that my mother not return to the house. An hr ago I left a voice mail to the nursing home SW to call me tomorrow. I had asked her to tell my mother today that she was going directly to AL and not going home. I am afraid to call my mother tonight. I asked the SW to call me tomorrow to see if they have talked, and to emphasize to her that as best she can, she use her gifts to make my mother see things in a positive light, but understand she is not going back to the house. That would be a disaster. In the voicemail, I told her, if my mother isn’t told before the appointed caregiver’s meeting and is told at this meeting I am to attend on Wednesday at 3 pm, I cannot (not will not) attend. I simply can’t be there. </p>

<p>Good advice CT mom. The AL my mother is going to requires a brand new mattress and box spring with a special word, something like “hermetically” sealed. I called the Admissions Director early to ask if the mattress/boxspring should be a single or a twin (I know it’s fussy but there is a difference) and what the “special” word is and if I can order them to be sent directly to AL (I presume this is standard procedure). But frustratingly, she did not call me back today.</p>

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<p>I thought you were signing the contract today. How did it get moved to the end of the week?</p>

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<p>They probably just want to be sure the mattress is new/sealed by manufacturer, to be sure no bugs are being brought into the AL. I would think any new mattress shipped direct from vendor would be sealed.</p>

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<p>Please don’t leave too many calls for the Social worker. It can backfire. Let her do her job. And you must do yours. If you arrive Weds for the meeting (you have to go, no 2 ways around it) and find she hasnt been told yet, then politely step out when the social worker talks to her and ask her to call you back in when their conversation is complete. And if your mom yells, walk out. You do not have to tolerate being yelled at. But you need to be there Weds. If you dont go, you may be seen as difficult, and you want the staff to be helpful to you. Buit no more messages to the Social worker.</p>

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<p>CF, no, I must have given you the wrong impression. The thing that happened “today”(yesterday) was that I signed and delivered the contract to have the procedures done with the oil tanks. Today my husband gives our lawyer a copy to the deed to the house. I believe either (1) the contract is on its way to our realtor who either gives it to us or our lawyer (not sure about the procedure or (2) the buyer is waiting for the tank replacement to sign and the soil to be tested. The work on the tank will be done Thurs or Fri.</p>

<p>jym626, you reversed my thinking about going to the care meeting. Good thinking, Thanks. Yes, I must certainly go. Don’t worry about two many calls to the SW. My mother’s been in the NS exactly a week today, and I’ve only called her twice, albeit Sun and Mon. No more calls. </p>

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You said you left her 3 VMs on the 2nd</p>

<p>and here

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<p>Thats seems to be at lest 4. Would recommend yo not call again.</p>

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<p>OMG jym626, you are certainly right. In my mind I “combined” the three VMs on the 2nd into one. That was certainly a bad, irresponsible thing to do, but illustrates the state of a troubled mind. BTW, I am fascinated by your keen memory to scroll through past posts and turn up important evidence. Are you interested in helping me, or annoyed and ready to point our my errors and lapses of memory? I am very glad you follow my thread, and relish your comments, but wonder why you do (meant in a very friendly way).</p>

<p>I am only lately, thanks to this forum, catching on and making wiser choices. LasMa was right that years ago I should have been working on parsing, examining, and changing–with the help of a psychiatrist–my relationship with my mother. I was just having fun with my Chinese “mother substitute.”</p>

<p>As an example of “making a wiser choice,” after listening to jym626 earlier this morning, I fantasized about asking one of my two friends to accompany me to the care meeting. This should illustrate how scared I am (as does the inappropriate four phone calls). One of the friends I have mentioned before, a SW who travels to Medicare/Medicaid clients home to do paperwork, examinations, and what not. I IMMEDIATELY recognized how wrong this step would be. 1. It would certainly be wrong to bring in an outsider to a team of medical professionals, the client, and the family member. 2. It would be a pathetic example of my fear to stand up for myself on my own. Yes, of course I will go to the meeting by myself and be my best self.</p>

<p>An interesting story in contrast, please skip if you wish to read no further. My sister was a rebellious teen, and while at home from college said a very rude and obscene challenging thing to our father. He pushed her against a wall, certainly a mistake. She left the house and never spoke to him again for ten years that included his neurological illness and dying/death. As a “package deal” she never contacted me or our our mother for those ten years. I don’t know how I learned she and her husband moved from CA to NV. I must have looked them up on the internet. </p>

<p>But what still absolutely fascinates me is she came to my father’s funeral! Does anyone have any insight into this? Why bother, after being silent for ten years? Furthermore, she brought a friend who stood next to her in the church (away from the family) and sat next to my sister during meals, basically never leaving her side. (I believe this resembles the AA program of aides to help people through rough spots). We were all gracious and hospitable to the friend, but it was very painful for my mother to have a stranger present at such a private and grievous time. </p>

<p>Over the eight years since our father’s death, my sister started writing letters to my mother , progressed to phone calls, and visited three times, twice to “visit,” and one to “help” during my brain surgery. So she’s visited three times. And over the past weeks she has mentioned visiting (When?) with her best friend, as I said before “to see the girls.”</p>

<p>Today I fill out the long, long, long application for her to go to the Plaza, the AL ten minutes away.</p>

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<p>I am certainly trying to be helpful, but its hard when information is not accurate.</p>

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<p>Dharma a senior move manager might be able to do a lot of that application. Might also have been able to help with all of that work you did yesterday in Com cast etc. I’m puzzled by your reluctance to get some help with all of this.</p>

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<p>No one here is looking for contrition. In fact, the self blame can get in the way. At times, we just want to clarify what seems to have been reported to us and offer perspective. Or try to figure out what the correct data point truly is. It can help to keep notes- or index cards on a bulletin board- so you can see what was done, see the info, and track contact. </p>

<p>About the mea culpas: you have to realize that calling yourself bad, etc, is your mother’s voice. You know you’re better than that. Just get organized (a wonderful crutch, I find,) and focus on the facts not the backstory. For yourself and for us. You don’t want to be distracted or to distract us. You have enough to handle (and we have enough to follow,) without the sidebars. k?</p>

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<p>LasMa, I haven’t called the senior move manager yet, but I never imagined they would go far as to do those kinds of things. I will contact them today.</p>

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<p>Dharma, different manager do different things, so you’d have to ask. But some will.</p>

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<p>Thank you LasMa. When I clicked on your link and typed in my zip code I found a couple about 12 miles away, as I said earlier. Busy all day undoing everything I had to do to hire Barbara.</p>

<p>Especially to jym626, the SW did call me today and was so warm and understanding. No harm done. My mother called with a list of things she wanted me to bring to her tomorrow because the care meeting was planned, and told me on her own she was going from the NH at the end of the month to the AL.Not a negative word. I wanted to avoid having her come back to the house altogether, but she wants to pick out the paintings she has painted that she wants to keep. So when the medical team says she is strong enough to go out, I will bring her to the house to pick out her paintings. </p>

<p>PS I bought some lovely museum cards recently and will write a thank you card to give to the Social Worker tomorrow.</p>

<p>LasMa, looks like I have to wait till Thurs to call the Senior Management team. Tomorrow is full and I can’t do another thing today, even though its only 3:30. I’ve been photocopying, calling, mailing, faxing, scanning, waiting on hold,talking, calculating, filling in forms, etc., since 7:30 am.</p>

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<p>Does she actually have to go to the house to pick the paintings?</p>

<p>Here’s an idea: take a photo of each one of her paintings, so she can choose the ones she wants without having to go back to the house. That way she can also have photos of the ones she isn’t keeping.</p>

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<p>While it might be nice to let her say goodbye to her home, it isn’t really necessary, especially if there is any chance of her making a scene with you. You can take photos with your phone or ipad of the items she might want.</p>

<p>Oops- cross-posted with CTmom.</p>

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<p>Dharma, I always found that gifts of food delivered to hospital staff, NH staff, etc. go a long way.</p>

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<p>I wholeheartedly agree with CTmom and jym. Do what you have to do to avoid bringing your mother back to her house. She’s unlikely to just want to pick out paintings, so you just open yourself up to having a scene and an argument.</p>

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<p>Once again we agree! </p>

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<p>Agree. It will be a very difficult scene if you take her back to the house. Avoid it.</p>