<p>Hold firm. If your sister really wants to come, she can rent a car and get a motel!</p>
<p>You aren’t preventing her from coming. You are just preventing her from imposing on you at a time when you cannot juggle even one more ball.</p>
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<p>Exactly! That’s the first thing I told myself. It’s funny how my daughter became friends with this little girl, who is a year youngerthan she is. DD3s best friend–a Danish girl (bilingual family, obviously, high on education and values) lives right next door to the family I had the lamppost incident with. The Danish girl and the girl next door are friends because they are “next-dor neighbors”, so my daughter became a join-along friend. What I got out of all this is an internet problem and a dented lamppost. </p>
<p>The other afternoon DD3 forgot her workbook so we went to the Danish family to photocopy the page. The girls are so close, we mothers have become friendly and chat. I update her about my mother and my mishaps but just a little–no one wants a lot of details about this kind of thing. But I was in the midst of the lamppost thing so I told her about HOW NICE MR AND MRS WERE BEING ABOUT OUR ARRANGEMENT FOR IT TO BE FIXED. She said, my God, I am terrified of that driveway. I said, Friend, you live next door, why do you drive down it? She said, Because the girls take gymnastics together and the driveway is so long, I don’t want the child to walk that length in the dark because of bears and coyotes, but I am so afraid of that driveway.</p>
<p>But (if they ever invite DD3 again) I am meeting her at the top of the driveway, never driving down again.</p>
<p>Another gripe, if you will allow. I was astonished one Sunday morning after DD3 slept over at this family’s house with her friend, and in the morning they gave her no breakfast, dropped her home at our house, and then as a family, went out to breakfast. DD3 was too happy-go-lucky to notice that this was rude and hurtful.</p>
<p>I am very big on paying for outings and treats for children and teens, maybe because I am so old; maybe it is different to younger parents who were not raised as simply as I was (strict Catholic schools,like-zero treats and meals out, 1960s, make up your own games and entertainment, TV only on weekends, free town-sponsored day camp). My husband is like this too. If one of our daughters invites a friend to join her for a movie, we pay for the friend’s ticket. It’s an invitation. When DD2 was only about 9 yrs old and was invited to see The Little Mermaid or something, DH gave her $15 in case she needed it for ticket and snacks. The parents indeed expected her to pay for her ticket. A nine year old! I was naive, but I was shocked. Last yr, this same daughter, now older (then 15), was invited to a birthday party in NYC where the invited friends were expected to pay for their round-trip train ticket ($30) and a comic act on stage where the ticket price was $60. We hit hard times during the recession and have very little. I have the reputation in the family of being a scrooge on prices and limits, but I don’t think my husband is cost-conscious enough. My friend at Chinese school, the DA Prosecutor in the Bronx I mentioned, would have laughed her head off at the trip to the city w/show birthday party and said Absolutely Not, she is so strict. And it seems the guests are expected to contribute the most from the families who have the most. I think it’s that parents as much as 15 years younger than I am (I suppose I could be my daughter’s grandmother) grew up liberally and just do not think. Of course this is just online musing and highly debatable, but the thoughts grew out of that sting when DD3 came home without having had breakfast after that sleep-over.</p>
<p>When my D (she’s now 24) and her friends get together, whomever is the parent of the home they gather in or issued the invitation pays for everything UNLESS the girls have worked out some other arrangement. The guests try to bring nice gifts to show appreciation for the generosity. D has been treated to hotel stays, stays at beach houses, dinners at nice restaurants, catamaran rides, and more. We have worked to impress upon D that she needs to bring appropriate gifts and reciprocate to not be a “mooch.” The parents would NEVER allow a “kid” to pay and are always the generous hosts.</p>
<p>When S visits D and has our niece visit, he is the generous host and doesn’t allow D or niece to pay because he earns a salary and they don’t. He’s never asked me to reimburse. My sis offered to pay his rent for the month that her D was visiting S but S laughed and said “absolutely no!” They had a very nice visit!</p>
<p>Dharma, I’m having trouble following the plot here amidst all the long long long extraneous details. Do you think you could maybe edit a little?</p>
<p>Yes, CF, I understand. I escaped to the computer because DD2 was screaming about deeply-embedded ear wax that I can only do my best to attend to by taking her at 8 am to the Urgent Care Office of our Medical Group. Promise to stay on topic.</p>
<p>Thinking, troubled now, that instead of escaping to post I should have held fast to DD and comforted her, but I can see nothing with a flashlight in the ear, the wax is so deeply embedded, and she wanted me to go away.</p>
<p>But, in my own defense, the lamp post incident was most related to elder-care issues. </p>
<p>Is there no urgent care open now? CVS Minute Clinic? Other urgent care?</p>
<p>It seems like you like to write about all the details of your life, Dharma. If you want to make a personal blog, I’m told that Blogger and WordPress both have excellent free platforms.</p>
<p>Dharma, High five for taking care of the sister and keeping your cool through the driveway accident. If someone has a long driveway they really should put the lights on for visitors unless they want that lamp post hit! It really seems like things are moving a little smoother now. (knocking wood here).</p>
<p>Dharma, I see Fang’s point. Sometimes I have trouble following, just because there is a ton of minute detail which is in no way related to the issue at hand – which is moving your mom. </p>
<p>HI Mom, good thought. DD calmed down. The nearest urgent care is far away. If she was still is distress (she returned to doing homework) I would have taken her. I will have her at the office before they open at 8 am this morning.</p>
<p>LasMa, point appreciated and well taken. I have been writing on expecting rain for 8 years and never at length. I must be coming here as a place to escape and be alone with my turbulent thoughts, unmindfully burdening other people. I am sorry. Yes, I will stick to the topic.</p>
<p>Sticking to the topic, just got an email from my sister that she and her friend are arriving on Nov 2nd which is a Sunday (thankfully no big traffic) and also the Day Daylight Saving Time ends. They are arranging to stay at the only one but truly nice B&B in the village, which is generous of them) but I will still have to take them to/from airport, all three NYC airports are horrors. My husband literally flowers around company will almost certainly manage the cooking, which he greatly enjoys. Sister and friend can take my car and visit mother without me. You can probably imagine, mother would rather have my esteemed sister to herself (with friend) without my problematic self. Guests are very welcome to meals. And we will certainly do a big family meal, if the facility would accommodate.</p>
<p>The only glitch is that the closing might be that wk (they are staying a whole wk), but by that time things should be tied up and settled and go smoothly, don’t you think? </p>
<p>Also, my eldest daughter will be in college, which she will not leave on a weekday( will not miss class) so I can’t see how they can see her, unless they want to drive upstate 2 hrs and take her to lunch…that is a possibility, if they are staying as long as a week.</p>
<p>Hope that was all staying on topic. If anyone has anything personal to say, by all means PM me.</p>
<p>Don’t pick her up at the airport.<br>
This isn’t the Dalai Lama coming to town, some esteemed guest, or your boss. This is a gal who grew up there, can navigate, and has the money to rent a freaking car. </p>
<p>We’re talking NYC, not Podunk Airport. “all three NYC airports are horrors.” You have been running around for three months for your mother. Draw your line. Fine, make her dinner. You can be gracious and still recognize your own needs. </p>
<p>She’s not coming to treat you to a break. There has been virtually no reciprocity from her. It would be kind and thoughtful of her to rent her car knowing you have a family with needs and are worn out. Her turn to be kind and thoughtful- not just the B&B but also her transportation.</p>
<p>I doubt her friend is coming to be a helper. Think about it. </p>
<p>Ok, that comes across as tough, but Dharma, you have a right not to be always making these compromises, while others just add to your to-do list or the accommodations you make for others.</p>
<p>Think about it.</p>
<p>Oh my.
I agree with looking forward.<br>
Your sister and her friend need to find their own way around and rent a car. </p>
<p>They are staying for a week.
You will not only be going to and from the airport; for seven days you will either be escorting them from B&B to NH, from B&B to your house for dinners OR you will be without your car. </p>
<p>Can you fit that into your schedule for a whole week?</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, you can tell them that if they used your car, they would be responsible for all the schlep driving you do all week, and you wouldn’t want to burden them.</p>
<p>It’s not like she can’t afford it from what you’ve told us.</p>
<p>You can send her these links for transportation to/from the airports:
<a href=“The Port Authority of NY & NJ”>http://www.panynj.gov/airports/ewr-ground-transportation.html</a>
<a href=“http://www.panynj.gov/airports/jfk-public-transportation.html”>http://www.panynj.gov/airports/jfk-public-transportation.html</a>
<a href=“The Port Authority of NY & NJ”>http://www.panynj.gov/airports/lga-public-transportation.html</a></p>
<p>What about Stewart Airport? Isn’t that much closer to you?</p>
<p>But I know this is difficult. I went through this whenever my brother was in town. Dr. Freud Never Sleeps!</p>
<p>Bringing a friend signals to me that he trip won’t be all about Mom- or even mostly about her. She’ll want to do things with the friend. And you have to realize the friend is a built-in excuse not to spend much time on Mom. “Jane and I want to go into the City” or “You can’t expect Jane to sit with Mom for two hours.” Or “Jane was there today, we want to do something different tomorrow.” Or, “Do I really need to do that? Jane’s waiting at the B&B.” And when she does this, you are left holding the bag. At least let them have their own rental car.</p>
<p>Alamo/JFK is showing less than $400 for a week, starting 11/2, including taxes and before any discounts.</p>
<p>Remember the thing about “getting to yes.” I’d say, Sis, gosh, you and Jane are going to have things you want to do. I’ll be running around to tennis lessons, Chinese school, dealing with the RE agent and any house issues that come up etc. Renting a car will make this so easier on you. </p>
<p>From past history, I think her trip may frustrate you. You said she was little or no help when you were recovering. Make this work for Dharma and Dharmakids. </p>
<p>I was wrong about them coming on 11/2. She wrote the second week of November (for a week). What’s STRANGE is that she would not recognize how HELPFUL it would be to me if she rented a car. Isn’t that just simple, practical thinking? She has always rented a car the three visits in the past. The friend is a retired University of Reno Professor of Languages (French, Spanish and BASQUE–sister explains what sounds like science fiction–that there is a Basque community in Reno, NV. Can anything be stranger?) Now retired, the genius language professor is self-publishing thriller bestsellers (popular trashy novels), turning them out like hotcakes, and selling them on amazon and making tons of money. So why in the world would they want me to pick them up at the airport? It is just bizarre, senseless thinking. </p>
<p>oldmom, wow, I just studied the three links you took the trouble to assemble. Wow, there are a LOT of possibilities. I do not have to drive to one of the airports. From Newark( she usually flies in and out of Newark) there is a bus that travels to Poughkeepsie. I can easily pick them up in Poughkeepsie. I will send her those links. Thanks for lifting this burden from my mind.</p>
<p>There is a real possibility that the emptying of the house, the closing, and their visit, will coincide. Who knows, maybe they can actually help with the move. I’d prefer they came for Thanksgiving, but we’ll make this work.</p>
<p>Stewart is very close, but that would add a third flight to their already two flights (you have to fly from Reno early in the am to some big airport like Atlanta. Then there are a pitiful amount of flights to Stewart. Good thought, though)</p>
<p>Going to a friend’s house to pick up suitcases for Sunday’s packing. I scoured my mother’s house for suitcases but she must have donated them to the resource center. I only have one; DD1 has the other at college.</p>
<p>(Off topic but an update: DD2 saw the most excellent MD at 8 am who cleaned copious amounts of wax out of both ears and now daughter doesn’t hear as though she’s underwater. Added that to bring HI Mom up to date and reassure her!)</p>
<p>It’s not strange when people are used to getting away with putting themselves first.</p>
<p>Doesn’t matter who the friend is or what she does. Matters that you tell Sis to rent a car.</p>
<p>You aren’t picking then up in Pougheepsie and giving them your car for the week!!!
Don’t look at one avenue and stop, leaving a burden on yourself. Picking her up closer to home doesn’t solve the bigger issue: how she gets around that week without constraining you, with all the tasks you face and your kids’ needs!</p>
<p>Honey, what makes you thinks she will help with the move? And her retired professor friend? We’ve told you how hard a house move is and you’ve told us she…isn’t…reliable. </p>
<p>“Sis, you will need to rent a car at the airport.”</p>
<p>Then, Dharma, your butt is covered. If you don’t get her help, you can at least be mobile.</p>
<p>If you had said, we have a 3rd car, what the heck, this would be different. Don’t set yourself up for aggravation. Control what you can. </p>
<p>Dharma,
I haven’t read the thread in several days as I confess I could not separate the wheat from the chaff. And when I have limited time or am trying to quickly catch up on my phone, its simply impractical to try to slog through long posts which contain off topic content. Apologies, but there it is. Please stay on topic. Mom, AL, house sale, sister visit.</p>
<p>I was able to glean from some of the responses that your sis is coming in. You do NOT have to pick her up in NYC. She could fly direct from Atl to Westchester and you could consider picking her up there, or better choice, you could tell her to take a cab. Or rent a car. SET LIMITS.</p>
<p>Speaking from experience, its much easier to drive from Westchester airport than LGA. And rental cars in Westchester are reasonably priced. But thats not your problem. The airport in Newburgh is small and there will be no direct flights from Atl. </p>
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<p>AMEN.</p>
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<p>It would be IDEAL if she could fly to Westchester and rent a car. Thanks for the thought; forgot all about Westchester, and it is an easy drive and not far. Will email her right now with the explanation of how it might be hard to meet (a very probably delayed flight at one of the three horrific NYC airports) with possible overlap with / movers clearing out house/ need to be at closing / ease of driving from Westchester.</p>