<p>The longer you delay telling your sister to rent a car, the more you will feel guilty and obligated.</p>
<p>You have no obligation.<br>
She has rented cars before on visits and can – and needs to-- do it again.</p>
<p>Dharma, my brother let me know the week before that he and his kids were showing up Columbus Day weekend because he fell on some cheap airline tickets and wanted to see Mom, and for his kid to do so as well. My mother is not likely to last the year, and it’s as painful for him to be in CA and not be able to be with her, as it is for me to have her right here with me, though in different ways and times. Yes, it’s a painfest when I think about and my tough retired Army officer tears up. He loves his Mama very much. So the two of us deal Yes, I picked them up at JFK and drove them back there. I cleared a lot of things, did room rearranging. Not ideal but that’s how we do it.</p>
<p>Dharma, ask the relocation person about shipping Sis’s stuff. I bet they will handle that, if Sis doesn’t want to. In fact, that person could do the walkthrough with Sis as she picks what she wants. The point is you needn’t have any involvement at all in that process (once Mom’s stuff is earmarked).</p>
<p>Hi cptofthehouse, haven’t seen you for a while. That was very nice of you to pick up your brother at the airport.</p>
<p>Some things are the same, others are different. Three visits over ten years. Sister w/friend didn’t ASK me but TOLD me when they were coming, that they are not renting a car, and she never comments when I email her about visits to drop off paper work at AL, MD assessment to NH, upcoming move to AL, unknown date of Estate Sale, less-than eager buyer,shuttling children back and forth to school, lessons, therapist )the DD who is a healthy weight but eats a very controlled diet since the wedding-dress comment). My sister mocks my mother; she does not, like your brother “love her mother very much.” I can tell when I read about your sons that you have a close friendly. My sister has been remote and unkind to me and my parents for years. A few years after our father died (years of silence between us) I called her one afternoon and said,“I apologize if I have ever done anything to hurt you. I want us to be friends. Do you think that’s possible?” She said yes, we talked a long time, and then began a semi-frequent newsy email exchange. Forgive the self pity, but I apologized to HER.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>jym626,It was over a year ago and she was emotionally stable. It was a little selfish of me, but the scenario was: she is very frail, walks very slowly with a walker, and I had to arrange special seating (I know, so what, no big deal). And she is very off balance, bad in crowds (can get easily knocked into which I was very worried about), the parking lot and every inch of curb would be packed with cars, and my husband would have to drive her to the tip of the door, find enough space to maneuver the walker, I had to seat her, and then undo the whole thing to get her back home. We do this for holidays and birthdays, but a packed HS graduation gym seemed daunting. But it was alright; I didn’t need to complain about it this morning.</p>
<p>Oldmom, thanks for the supportive remarks. I need them right now because while we were at Chinese School (going off topic, but this is directly related to the stress of elder care) the woman whose lamp post I creased had the nerve again to call my husband this morning I TOLD her G would call her (1) to make an appt with them to view the lamp together then give me an estimate (which I am sure will be correct and we will agree, of course) and then return to their house while they were there to perform the work and with them test that the lamp works. I TOLD HER THIS a few days ago. He has not called because it has been RAINING for two days. Was she so fixated on her lamp post that she couldn’t hold back from calling our number again? And she had to ask me last time we talked “How soon can he do it?” What bearing does it have on her life?I am NOT going to call G myself and create pressure I now have to call her back (DH said I would) and watch myself that I don’t say Why are you pressuring me about a creased lamp post that works when people in West Africa are dying of Ebola?</p>
<p>Are there coupons you can print out or “deals” on car rentals?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>moot</p>
<p>Your daughter crashed into her lamppost and damaged it. I don’t see why she shouldn’t ask how soon it will be fixed, nor do I understand how that has anything to do with Ebola. </p>
<p>Tell sis right now in an email that you are unavailable to drive her and she will have to catch taxis or rent her own vehicle, PERIOD. Do not argue or allow her to sweet talk you. Do NOT find info about car rentals–she can look it up just fine on her end. There are many car rental deals on Priceline, Hotwire, Costco and many other sites. Your sis is a big girl and can do what she needs to if you stop enabling her and allowing her to impose on you. You have WAY more than you should already on your plate.</p>
<p>Dharma, since the time you denied that you could email your sister about renting a car, you have posted twenty paragraphs here. If you have time to post twenty paragraphs here, you have time to send one paragraph to your sister.</p>
<p>“Sis, Sorry, I’ll be unable to pick you up at the airport. I suggest renting a car. Looking forward to seeing you! Love, Dharma”</p>
<p>CF, I apologize, you missed the whole strory (understandably). Definitely “related to elder care” I wrote about how I I–not my daughter–had TWO stress-induced (self-diagnosis) car accidents. ONE was making a TINY dent in a lampost at the end of a nightmare driveway. I wrote about how the driveway has no “turnaround” space and to drive out, you have to drive backward a long, twisted distance–and this was in the dark (it was a playdate) and neither lampost squeezing the exit of the driveway exit was lit, and I put a small dent in one. I called the mom as soon as I got home and said I would get our 20-year trusted contractor/electrician to view, estimate (we would pay of course) and correct the damage ASAP. The electrcian visitied the site, went to Home Depot and got the exact figure, and will call to coordinate a time to install, and a time to arrange for them all to be together to confirm the new lamp works. The mom is calling me constantly in an icy voice. She said the contractor who built their house said it would cost $800 to fix. I told her G was the best contractor in the county and would make the lamppost as good or better than new. He has to mix a cement bed, connect the electricity, and embed the lamp post and test it. He laughed when I told him her estimate. He is totally reliable and I am not going to nag him by calling him again. It has been raining for two days so he couldn’t go out there. She has called me A LOT and wants to know “how soon can he do it?” as though her life depended on it. I am contrasting that with, perhaps presumptuously, saying we have better things to think about, like the Ebola epidemic.</p>
<p>Off topic, but in the same vein, there is an excellent highly commendable bk review in today’s NYT book review about a new book by Nikolas Kristoff and his wife Sheryll Wu Dunn about how small efforts by ordinary people can do a great deal of healing in the world. Google NYT or their names for title (can’t think of it offhand.)</p>
<p>Thanks HImom. To be accomodating (I have the time today) I will look at those sites you mention and send her helpful info.</p>
<p>I have to call the “lamp post mom” now and MUST NOT MENTION EBOLA.</p>
<p>Just saw your remark, LasMa. Sis says she only wants one thing. You will not believe this; it will make you laugh. For some unfathomable reason she wants my mother’s WEDDING DRESS! Any psycologists/physiciatrists/particularly insightful people (you all are, actually) who can explain this?</p>
<p>NO, Dharma, just send her a short, sweet email: “Sorry, sis, I can’t pick you up. I advise you to rent a car. There are deals on many sites including Costco.com, Priceline and Hotwire, if you are interested. See you soon! Dharma”</p>
<p>That’s ALL you need to send. Do NOT get involved in helping her pick and find the best deal. DO NOT agree to drive her but let her know NOW that she needs to find her own transportation, NOW. Send that email.</p>
<p>oldmom,
Not sure to whom your comment was directed, but no one here is not “being nice”. In fact everyone is remarkably consistent in their advice, with some firmer than others in the way they word it. Some posts are almost ver batim repeats of previous posts from other posters. Dharma admits that she gives in- everyone is trying to help her be clear, firm and consistent. Modeling how to be firm is helpful.</p>
<p>Her graduation comment, which was off topic, had me puzzled. Given that mom has badgered D into doing many small things for her, it seemed surprising, not necessarily in a bad way, that she initially held firm re: graduation. But as a significant life event, battleaxe mom probably would have held that over D’s head and continued to manipulate her with guilt. So, I was curious as to how/why that decision not to bring mom to graduation was made. If it had been the dau’s request not to have grandma there I’d have supported it 100% if I were in D’s shoes.</p>
<p>As for lamppost, its easy to get off her plate. Simply return this one call, tell the lady that the repair guy is aware, committed to fixing it and is handling it. That he is responsible and reassure her that she has nothing to worry about. It will be done as soon as he can. Period. Then dont return the call if she bugs you again. No need to go into a long explanation about mom, sister, the house sale, AL, etc. This lady doesnt care. She is focused on her lamppost. So assure her the guy is handling it and there is no need to calll further.</p>
<p>Dharma do you have the lamp post mom’s cell phone number? If so text tthe following: [handyman] will be in touch when it stops raining. Have a nice day!</p>
<p>That’s enough to get her off your back. And DO NOT FEEL GUILTY about accommodating your sister. She treats you like a doormat, sorry to say. She ignores every email about howbusy and stressed out you are. She won’t change no matter how nice you are, alas. Just do it, get it over with. If you research discounts and deals, everything that goes wrong will be your fault and your responsibility to fix. Just don’t go there. She’s a big girl and can figure out how to rent a car.</p>
<p>I thought she did take Grandma to graduation.
“I could have used this board when DD1 graduated from HS–that day I did feel that “duty” obliged me to take my mother and I was brainwashed by the idea of a daughter’s obligation to her mother to be dutiful. Pictures would have sufficed nicely and allowed me to concentrate on my DD.”</p>
<p>Need to say that when the usual family bonds are cracked, the rules (of “nice” behavior and when to bend over backwards and be perfectly accommodating) can change. We can still try to be pleasant and all, but things change, not always by our own hand.</p>
<p>I think the vagueness of when the handyman will show up can be resolved by committing that he will be there and start work by Date X. </p>
<p>Ooh, theres a great idea-- text the lamppost lady, AND text sister. “Apologies- unable to assist you with your transportation due to multiple prior commitments. Is best for you to rent a car for greatest flexibility for you. See you in November. Toodles”</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>jym626 Just to clarify–there seems to be some confusion. (continuing off topic, I apologize) The graduation was over a year ago and I never discouraged her, not in the slightest, from attending the graduation. I just complained a lot to my husband a lot about it because of what was sure to be an insane parking arrangement and a huge crowd. My mother, with her walker, is an accident waiting to happen. I am on the anxious side myself, and it stressed me out. But it was a very selfish thing for me to begrudge her from attending, because DD1 was salutatorian, and thanked my mother in her speech. She thanked her teachers, guidance counselors and school administration staff. The guidance counselor told me that never before had she been personally thanked in a speech. And the local paper quoted the part of the speech in which my daughter used the words, I can almost remember them word for word, “thank you, Grandma, for always believing in me.” Hope this clarifies. Being resentful about taking my mother to the graduation was bad of me, seeing, obviously how much it meant to both my mother and my daughter.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I have LEARNED WELL HERE to avoid extraneous details. Flattery is uncomfortable, but there are so many intelligent, insightful, strong-minded people who post here with guidance and advice, that I have changed over the past few months and am much more self confident. </p>
<p>ON TOPIC: Realtor sent me a email with two surprising remarks I did not know. First, buyer has a fully approved mortgage and will write a deposit check for $7,700 and second, that buyer’s realtor expressed to my realtor that buyer is “excited and eager to move forward.” I wish she had told me those things before.</p>
<p>As to “being nice,” I am tough enough to take the tough love, recognizing that people are taking the time and making the effort to communicate and help. Some of the posts are warm and comforting. Cardinal Fang is puzzling, because I wonder why she follows my thread if the length of postsdrives her crazy, and why did she skim so superficially to suppose my daughter–when I said it was I-- hit the lamppost. CF, I would be so pleased if you stuck with me, and delighted if you PMed me to tell me why you chose your curious screen name.</p>
<p>Writing the TIME BOMB email to sister now.</p>
<p>Why does the sister need help finding car rentals or discounts? She’s in CO right? They have experience with car renting there.</p>
<p>Just go with HiMom’s or Jym’s words. Be done with this.<br>
It’s called setting boundaries. As they say, “Try it, you may even like it.” </p>
<p>And when she is here, no running around on her behalf- if she needs TJ’s, she gets herself there. If she needs to check some shop or see some site, she takes care of it. No one knows if she will help with Mom. So focus on your responsibilities to the girls/DH, Mom, the house, and the etceteras. These “visitors” can’t interrupt what you have as priorities, should not be allowed to increase your burden, nor leave you crumpled when they finally go.</p>
<p>She’s in Reno, NV. Its not just the car rental. I don’t understand why she TOLD me the arrival/departure dates and didn’t ASK me. I would never do that, especially in what are “abnormal” circumstances. I feel there is a touch of arrogance on being TOLD; maybe she is just clueless and truly under informed about how totally encompassing this all has been; my big concern is cooking meals. Thanksgiving would have been much better and my college daughter would be home. There would be no fear of a potential house emptying or closing taking place simultaneously (the realtor and I just spoke, she said Nov was certainly doable, but who would close Thanksgiving or the day after?) Cooking and leftovers would be easy and natural. Because this relates to the stress of elder-care, I definitely see it as being “on topic.”</p>
<p>They definitely know car renting in NV, ha. And she’s a big girl who’s done it before.<br>
She didn’t ask because once early November seemed fine with you (or there were no objections,) she probably just booked what works for her. [Or, worst case, she doesn’t care about negotiating.] </p>
<p>You keep assuming there can be reciprocation and if you are kind and thoughtful, it will come back to you, from these challenging people. It’s not your fault. There is no “perfect” you can be and get back from them what you need. Sorry. Your blessing is your girls, DH, and friends.</p>
<p>Send the email. Nip this. It’s only hard when we keep thinking about it.</p>
<p>Ugh, you’re right, I did suggest Nov 2. WHY wasn’t I thinking?</p>
<p>Wrote and sent the email. Luckily, their arrival date is a Saturday so I was able to manipulate info. Made it “nice.” Here is the gist of it:</p>
<p>"Saturday November 8th is probably going to be the day of the Estate Sale, according to Jane Lynn, the Estate Sale manager.I am meeting with her at 10 at the house on Monday. For the Estate Sale, I will have to be on hand, all the time. Had a good exchange minutes ago and learned that the buyer is eager, wants to move forward quickly, and will sign the contract and put down $7,700, then we sign. Directly after the Estate Sale, I have hired a “Senior Move Manager” to empty the house with me there (looks like you and friend might be too). Turns out both of my emails went into his Spam box; good thing he looked. We had a good talk this morning. You leave on the 13th which is a Wednesday, and if the closing is scheduled that day, there is nothing I can do to change it.</p>
<p>A car-rental-on-a-budget seems the best and safest (considering commitments) plan. Consider taking the train from LaGuardia to the White Plains train station. Hertz is right across the street from the station, open 7 am - 7 pm, address 66 Haarlem Ave, phone 914-948-3024. Will be much cheaper than at the airport."</p>
<p>Hooray for you Dharma!
I like that you pointed her in a direction but did not research the fees.</p>
<p>Hold firm, you are almost there!</p>