<p>Good job, Dharma. Now pop a quick text off to lamppost lady, and relax and enjoy your family.</p>
<p>But can you see how you tried to soften it with all those details? If her eyes glaze over, if she thinks, ok, these are details I can read later, then she can’t get to the key message at the end. And she needs to keep this rental throughout. </p>
<p>At least you did it, yay. </p>
<p>Oh, a question- can she get to Hertz by 7pm? </p>
<p>While it was kind to make some preliminary research, I confess I agree that this is HER decision to resolve. There are rentals at LAG, though more expensive, but doable if she doesnt want the hassle of both the train and a rental. This is her decision-- You could possibly suggest that there are several options, the train to White Plains, shuttle/ground transport, limos, taxis and that you are sure she’ll pick whats most convenient for her. Actually, lert her decide what she wants to do, as long as it doesnt involve you and your car.</p>
<p>I have to agree that the key message gets lost in all the excess detail. Perhaps a more succinct version, a la " Looks like we may be having the estate sale on Saturday and I have to be on site all day. And, with the other myriad of upcoming things on the schedule, Apologies, but I will not be able to provide transportation for you… Fortunately you have lots of transportation options and I am sure you’ll pick what is best for you. See you soon"</p>
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<p>Big oops. Her flight lands in La Guardia at 5:30 pm on a Saturday and she will probably NOT be able to get to White Plains by 7 pm.I completely missed that. So whatever. Just as well. Let her see I’m trying. What I wrote should make it clear to her that I am trying to cope with everything–including her travel plans–and that she or her friend can simply rent a car at the airport.</p>
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<p>CF, I a probably oversensitive, but I feel like whenever you write to me you have something critical to say; I am “normal” like everybody else except a few nearly-flawless people here on CC (I am in awe), and by “normal” I mean “basically screwed up.” Of course I would rather post here to people I have come to like than to my sister with whom I have struggled for years, although we have maintained a superficially cheerful email exchange for about…four? years. But she has NOT spoken to my mother since April or earlier, which obviously means she has not spoken to her at all during the past difficult months, been of absolutely no help to me, famously on this thread ignored my voicemails and emails for 8 weeks, and hardly refers to our mother in our emails.In the email to her I partially quoted from earlier, I had to (or did I indeed have to?) ask her, Do you want me to tell mom you’re coming in November? While this rent-a-car thing sounds easy, it draws up issues and negative feelings. CF, I want to be friends with you, but if you have annoyances to articulate that might help me see things more straight, send me a PM. And while I do write a lot, I don’t see why you have to, well, hurt me by calling it “twenty paragraphs.” I greatly value your participation, but you don’t have to read my thread if all it causes you is annoyance.</p>
<p>On topic because it is elder-stress related: Dropped DD3 at Danish girl’s Halloween party, and returning to the car, whom do I walk into but "lamp post lady"and daughter who live next door. No hello, just "Did you get my voice mail? (I thought she spoken in person to my husband this morning.) I asked, Do you mean you left a message this morning? Yes, I replied, my husband got your message, did you get my reply (Luckily when I called late this afternoon I got her voicemail.) ? She said, Oh, I don’t have a landline and just a cellphone, and I haven’t checked my cellphone. I don’t get cellphone reception in the house and have to come to the top of the (accursed) driveway to get reception. I am thinking,no landline in the HOUSE? what if you need 911, have a heart attack, have a fire? You have to run that long driveway to use the cellphone? Is this mad? I just said well, check your cellphone. But she did offer, G called her and arranged a day/time to go over early this week. So that is good. </p>
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<p>Dharmawheel, YOU ARE NOT YOUR SISTER’S KEEPER!!! If she wants to be a crappy daughter and a crappy sister, you do NOT have to cover her tracks! Please, please, please, just tell her that you won’t be able to handle transportation for her, either to/from the airport or in between her flights. Simple declarative sentences, no explanation. And then don’t worry. It’s not like she’ll suddenly turn into the sister of your (good) dreams just because you are nice to her, any more than your mother will. That ship has sailed, more than once. And it’s not like she has any power over you, just the power you give her.</p>
<p>Sorry for the caps, but it will be a trillion, zillion times easier to deal with this right now. The later you do it, the more you leave yourself open to more anxiety, more stress, more unknowns that you really don’t need right now.</p>
<p>I read the “gist” of the email that you sent your sister (post 618) and IMO it sounds like a suggestion. Or advice.<br>
It would not be surprising if she felt, after reading that, that the matter of her transportation had not actually been decided, and was still being negotiated.</p>
<p>Unless she responds by telling you that she will rent a car, please tell her plainly that she is on her own for all transportation– both to and from the airport and while she is in town. Don’t elaborate or explain. </p>
<p>And don’t make any more suggestions of how she can accomplish getting there. All those suggestions do is tell her that you are somehow still feeling responsible for her transportation. It’s sending the wrong message.</p>
<p>As far as meals while she is there, cook by all means if you wish to, but you may also wish to get some ready-made foods from your local market. Roasted chickens, cold cuts and rolls, boxes of pre-washed mixed salad greens, etc. Make it easier on yourself. Use paper plates. Go out for pizza. Whatever. </p>
<p>Don’t get all wrapped up in being the Perfect Hostess. Your efforts probably won’t be appreciated, anyway, based on what you’ve told us of your sister. So don’t go Above and Beyond.</p>
<p>Dharma, none of us think we are “nearly flawless.” You have questions about a topic many here have suffered through. Despite that each of us dealt with (or still deal with) in our own unique situations, we all learned certain core lessons. None of us want to revisit it, relive it and the pain- but our experiences lead us to some collective wisdom and the desire to try to help others, through what we learned. Our words won’t always be perfect and in fact, at times, nicey-nicey can be counterproductive. But notice how many of us are still here, walking this with you.</p>
<p>Right now, in the midst of the fire, with so many tasks to manage, so many balls to keep in the air…is NOT the time to go backwards and dwell on the relationships or the past. Not the time to think some renewed graciousness to your sister will solve that problem. Not the time to meet her 80% of the way. Not the time let fear of her reaction take over. </p>
<p>At this time, you are allowed to draw lines in the sand. It is what strong people have to do. She has to get with the plan or you can’t fill in the blanks for her, cushion her, in the hopes she will appreciate you better. </p>
<p>Remember Eleanor Roosevelt’s words: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” You have a right to ask her to arrange her own car, with or without discounts, from one source or another (let her figure it out,) so you can continue on with your tasks. Try to believe that. </p>
<p>Catching up.</p>
<p>Agree with others that while you made a good start with Sis, the email was excessively wordy, detail-filled, and had the tone of apology and suggestion, rather than statement of fact. And you don’t need to “let her see you’re trying.” I bet every single person on this thread has had the experience of figuring out – all by ourselves – how to get from Point A to Point B in a city we don’t live in. This is not rocket science.</p>
<p>Please send her a follow up to the effect:</p>
<p>“Just to clarify, with everything that’s going on, I’m afraid I won’t be able to provide transportation while you’re here. See you soon.”</p>
<p>And believe it or not, that is ALL you have to say. Nothing about the estate sale. Nothing about the contract. Nothing about a spam folder. Nothing about her transportation options, which, as noted above, she can figure out all by herself. </p>
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<p>That’s nice. What date will the contract be signed?</p>
<p>Please please please abandon all cooking duties while she’s there. I normally cook when I have visiting family, BUT last year at Thanksgiving, I announced in advance that with my dad’s death and the memorial service etc, I wasn’t going to be doing any cooking. And guess what? No one batted an eyelash! They totally got that this was not a normal family get together.</p>
<p>For breakfasts, people can make their own cereal/instant oatmeal/toast, or if they wish to make eggs for themselves, and clean up, that’s fine. For a holiday breakfast/brunch, Panera fills the bill very nicely. Lunches can be sandwiches on paper plates. Dinners, you can go out, including Thanksgiving dinner (in fact, make a reservation NOW, then that’s off your to-do-list). Or go to the grocery store and get a rotisserie chicken and sides. Or Chinese takeout. Or one of those big frozen lasagnas. ALL eaten on paper plates.</p>
<p>I think the appropriate response is to tell sis you do not have time to house or transport her but that it would be extremely helpful while she’s in town if she could help you out and then give her a prioritized list of tasks. If she stays with you, why can’t she shop and cook? You just need to ask her to do so. Ask her to help you out. </p>
<p>Cardinal Fang needs to make you a sister list. If she doesn’t have sisters, I can make one. I have lots of sisters. ; ) and I make lists.</p>
<p>Well said LF. Well said.
Dharma, Please reread Lookingforward’s post #626.</p>
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<p>You are EXACTLY EXACTLY RIGHT. Truly, when I wrote it, I meant “do this.” Here is a small part of her email reply:</p>
<p>How do I find the train at LaGuardia, is it easily mapped out for ignorant travelers?
the 13th is a Thursday which is better.</p>
<p>Then she said “it was time to feed the animals.” Oh nice, when I have to leave soon to go to the NH and get our mother and pack up all her belongings for the Al. The SW said we will be too late back to dinner so I have to take her somewhere for dinner. I have had it with that walker, she cannot see a menu, she cannot hear, it takes her three hours to eat the food she complains about (remember the Woody Allen joke?") Look, I know she is 88, ill, deaf, nearly blind, certainly must fear death and the future (but she is so self-absorbed and “in the moment,” into her hair, appearance, handbag, she may not). I know I should feel compassion, but I don’t, and don’t know if I ever did. </p>
<p>I have no idea what “the 13th is a Thursday which is better” means.</p>
<p>Do I travel? When we go to China (and now we go nowhere) we park our car in Long Term Parking, How the hell do I know how to find the train at LaGuardia? Well, in fact, I do know something. You stand on a long long line of people taking taxis into the city, take an expensive taxi through hellish highways, go to Grand Central Station, and laboriously drag suitcases to the train. </p>
<p>But WHY ASK ME? Anyone with half a brain and a computer can figure it out. </p>
<p>Oldmom went to all the trouble of researching and posting links of ground transportation from three NYC airports.</p>
<p>I was going to send those links to her. But now I am so mad at How do I find the train at LaGuardia, is it easily mapped out for ignorant travelers? I am going to bluntly tell her You want to make this trip and tell ME what to do? Rent a car.</p>
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<p>What is this? Never heard of it. Can’t wait. (I think I dreamed about Cardinal Fang last night)</p>
<p>First have to call the NH for the zillionth time this am to remind either my mother or an aide to have her ready at 1:15 pm. No one ever picks up the phone. Only people on a site like this know how much time and patience this takes. And what it takes you away FROM. Does my sister have a hint of this?</p>
<p>Your sister lobbed the ball back to you because she thinks you will do her work for her.<br>
Don’t! </p>
<p>The correct reply is short, unemotional and to the point:</p>
<p>“I cannot arrange or provide any transportation for you. You must do this yourself. Rent a car at the airport!”</p>
<p>After sending that, don’t reply to any more comments or questions she sends you about transportation. She will get the message.</p>
<p>Just look at this mess. Several posters gave you the words. We all agreed on the right sort of words. You went ahead and told her all about who called when and what might happen and someone’s phone problems- and hid the real issue at the bottom. Clearly, afraid to tackle this.</p>
<p>It doesn’t matter what you “meant.” I am going to be firm because you need to consider this.</p>
<p>Dharma, I mean this in the same way I’d tell my kids or bff: you are a funny mix of outrage and wimp. You can scold a poster, you can get mad at a lady who’s waiting for her lamppost repair or someone who doesn’t promptly call you back. You can get mad as Sis for living in her cocoon-- but you can’t ask her to rent a car. That’s the net-net. </p>
<p>Why ask you? Because you set yourself up as the do-er. You don’t send her a clear directive and she doesn’t get what you “meant.” You offer her car rental info and she now thinks you can look up trains. Draw the line, for once and for all. Clearly. Say what you mean and mean what you say.</p>
<p>SHE can look up trains, car rentals, weather reports, movie show times. If HImom came all the way in from Hawaii, she would look up trains or car rental. It happens every day. This is your sister who dumped all responsibility on you and knows the area. Back off and let her handle it. You focus on YOUR task list. Forget trying to somehow incur her appreciation and gratitude. </p>
<p>“Sis, sorry for the confusion. But you need a car for the duration of this trip. You can rent at the airport or another location. I trust you can handle this in the best way for you and your friend. Let me know.”</p>
<p>Don’t pad it. Don’t tell her anything else. Resist. (Same for house details she clearly doesn’t care about or want to slog through.) In a week, if she doesn’t let you know she did this, you send her a repeat message. This is not your responsibility. Leave it to her. </p>
<p>The only way we get respect out of these messes is to act/react in the right ways to garner respect. A life lesson.</p>
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<p>Obviously, because she figures she can get you to do the work for her. At least, it’s obvious to me. Is it not obvious to you?</p>
<p>CTmom and LF have given you two possible follow up emails. Either one of them will work great</p>
<p>—> “I cannot arrange or provide any transportation for you. You must do this yourself. Rent a car at the airport!”</p>
<p>OR</p>
<p>—> “Sis, sorry for the confusion. But you need a car for the duration of this trip. You can rent at the airport or another location. I trust you can handle this in the best way for you and your friend. Let me know.”</p>
<p>Please notice what they have in common:
- They are short.
- They are to the point, no extraneous details.
- They are unemotional, as CT said.
- They give a clear, firm message. “I cannot.” “You can rent.”
- They are not apologetic in tone.
- They do not do for Sis what she can do for herself.
- In essence, they say “No.” This is an incredibly empowering word, which you need to work into your vocabulary. ;)</p>
<p>As LF said, don’t pad it. No explanations. No excuses. No apologies. Just say No, firmly and clearly.</p>
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<p>Dharma, this is an example of one of those paragraphs which is really hard for me to figure out, but I gather that part of it is about the difficulty of taking one of these oldsters to a restaurant. I’m not quite sure what your sister’s animals has to do with it. Although I can certainly relate to the ambivalent feelings about my parents.</p>
<p>Anyway, regarding the logistics of taking her to a restaurant – how about this: Don’t. At least, don’t take her to a sit-down, order-from-a-menu restaurant. Here are alternatives:</p>
<ol>
<li> Order in. Pizza places will deliver to nursing homes, believe it or not. </li>
<li> Fast food drive-through. You can pick up some Micky D’s on the way back to the SNF.</li>
<li> Takeout. Drop her at the nursing home, then run to Subway or Chinese or whatever her favorite pick-up place is.</li>
</ol>
<p>BTW, you don’t need to eat in her room if you don’t want. Set yourselves up in the living room, visitors room, or whatever other common space there is.</p>
<p>Will she complain? You bet your boots she will. But she’ll complain regardless of what you do, right? Make it easier on yourself.</p>
<p>Agree about doing takeout or delivery-- no need to take her out to eat.</p>
<p>However, going forward, it may serve you to purchase a travel wheelchair. </p>
<p>When we moved my mother back to Connecticut, we wanted to be able to take her along with us to the Bronx Zoo and other long outings where it would be too much walking for her. Eventually she would come to need it for even short outings, to doctors etc.</p>
<p>I found a relatively inexpensive travel wheelchair for her on Amazon. We bought this one:
<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Drive-Medical-Travelite-Transport-Wheelchair/dp/B00ER2TI5A/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1413741053&sr=8-2&keywords=travel+wheelchair”>http://www.amazon.com/Drive-Medical-Travelite-Transport-Wheelchair/dp/B00ER2TI5A/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1413741053&sr=8-2&keywords=travel+wheelchair</a></p>
<p>It folds flat to go in the trunk, and has swing-away/removable footrests. We also got the associated wheel chair back pack for toting her stuff, and there is also an optional cushion for increased comfort. I use this all the time!!! And now the live-in caregiver uses it to take her to the dining room for dinner, and for walks around the grounds. Worth its weight in gold!</p>
<p>This is just a travel wheelchair; it isn’t supportive enough for sitting in all day. It cannot be operated by the patient herself, as it has no wheel rims for self-propulsion, and the brakes are also not within the patient’s reach. </p>
<p>But it’s perfect for taking Mom for any and all outings. It’s small enough that I have room in the trunk for both the wheelchair and Mom’s folding walker.</p>
<p>Medicare will pay for a wc with a note from MD. Some health care supply stores will do all the paperwork for you. Ask the NH to save her dinner tray and let them microwave it when you get back; real simple!</p>
<p>Medicare will only pay once for a wheelchair. </p>
<p>If she only needs one right now for outings, don’t get Medicare to pay for it. Later in life, she may need a special wheelchair with molded inserts and maybe a reclining back to accomodate her future special needs (e.g. if she someday has a stroke or needs help staying uupright) – these chairs can be very expensive!! If Medicare paid for the cheap travel one, she (or you) will be stuck paying for the expensive one later on.</p>
<p>I’m speaking as a PT here. Don’t ask Medicare to pay for a travel chair. You mother can pay for it. Let Medicare cover the pricey one that will likely be needed later in her life.</p>
<p>Another reason not to get a very sturdy regular wheelchair paid for by Medicare yet is that they are heavy and hard to lift in and out of the car trunk. You’ll find yourself not wanting to go anywhere with it, trust me on this. As it is, my tennis elbow complains when I have to lift things in and out of the trunk. I’m glad it’s only the travel chair and not a heavier wheelchair.</p>
<p>Good to know, CT. You just saved us a lot of money.</p>
<p>We found the same issue with walkers. Mom has a good, sturdy, heavy one that she uses around the AL. She has a folding aluminum one for our jaunts around town.</p>
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<p>Just noticed this. Why isn’t the relocation manager doing the packing up? That’s what they do.</p>