<p>Gonna be blunt. Sorry.</p>
<p>Think about your messages to us and to your sister as like you were talking to an attorney. Time is money. Cut to the chase. Not side stuff about halloween costumes or feeding the animals or earwax.</p>
<p>To sister:
I am sure you can find the train and taxi schedules and the car rental rates on line. I strongly recommend a car rental as I will not be able to provide you with transportation during your stay.</p>
<p>See you soon,
D</p>
<p>And a note about walkers - medicare will only pay for one walker every 3 years. </p>
<p>As an aside, I got my mother a nice rollator online for a reasonable price, maybe less than $75 and free shipping, fast delivery.</p>
<p>I also got my mom one of those rollator things (didnt know thats what they were called) <a href=“Rollators – Rolling Walkers – Walkers – justWalkers.com - Just Walkers”>http://justwalkers.com/rollators.html</a> My dad put it in the trunk of their car and accidentally closed the trunk on the lower handle/brake thing. Rendered it useless, immediately :(</p>
<p>They are readily sold at many pharmacies, Costco, and all over the place at a variety of prices. It’s good to check the weight to be sure it something that the patient (and caregiver) can heft easily or they simply won’t use it. This is a huge issue for deconditioned seniors who don’t have much muscle mass and have a hard time with heavy, bulky equipment.</p>
<p>I believe durable medical equipment companies also carry these and “rent” them to you, with Medicare paying a portion and you paying a portion. I have no personal experience with these, but they seem to help people who are unsteady so they don’t fall as often. </p>
<p>Good point, I did check the weight, dimensions of the seat and how much it weight it will hold. Himom, what really helps is that you just push-roll it to move it, no picking it up, like a walker. </p>
<p>Actually, to put it in the CAR or other vehicle, they DO have to be able to lift and get it into the trunk or wherever to transport the aparatus and patient. This is what a lot of patients and caregivers forget when they make the intial purchase. </p>
<p>When we were driving a relative around and he needed to be in a wheelchair, I could lift the chair and put it in and out of the trunk but his elderly sister could NOT. We went as a trio–me getting the chair in and out and him and his elderly sister. I was the driver in our outings. She could NOT have handled getting the chair in and out and it tired her to push his chair, so mostly I did that as well.</p>
<p>Several of the patients in our support groups were able to buy walking aids but later decided they were heavy to get in and out of the car, so were looking to get lighter equipment that was still sturdy enough to provide reliable support and not break from possible abuse. Cast aluminum instead of stainless stell seemed to be what one of the patients felt combined the best of light weight with durability. </p>
<p>My DH is involved with a war veterans group and many members are elderly. Several have lifts on the back of their car for chairs, etc.</p>
<p>So many older adults push their walkers. We, like many others, cut tennis balls and put them on the feet of the walker. Gosh my mom passed away over 10 yrs ago and it feels like yesterday.</p>
<p>Having a vehicle modified to add a lift for wheelchairs and the like can cost quite a bit. Our neighbor bought a specially equipped van that had a lift for their son’s motorized wheelchair. I believe they said it was $100,000! I’m sure there are now less expensive options and modifications that can be performed on existing vehicles. As a practical matter, there are many seniors who have to be able to heft equipment into and out of their trunks themselves–either for financial reasons or other.</p>
<p>While hefting 10 or so pounds is ok for H & me, it is a HUGE issue for my deconditioned seniors and their caregivers. They are already frail and doing all they can to remain independent. Hefting 10 pound equipment in and out of the trunk can be a deal breaker for them.</p>
<p>That sounds crazy. Look at some lower cost lifts for smaller items <a href=“Wheelchair Lifts for Vans, Cars, Trucks and SUVs | SpinLife”>Wheelchair Lifts for Vans, Cars, Trucks and SUVs | SpinLife;
<p>and here- chair and lift- $2499-$2765 <a href=“American Wheelchairs: Electric Scooter Lifts, Power Wheelchair Lifts, Trunk Lifts”>http://www.americanwheelchairs.com/lifts.shtml</a></p>
<p>What did they do- put the lift on a Tesla??</p>
<p>It’s not for me–it’s for other patients who just want lighter weight equipment and are exploring options to find it because it DOES exist the they are always thrilled to find it from other patients who are using equipment that doesn’t require much strength to get in and out of a car but is still strong and reliable.</p>
<p>My mother inherited Dad’s Rollator-type walker, complete with fold-down seat and hand brakes. It was too hard for her to manage! The 4 wheels swiveled in all directions, and she was not strong enough to control the speed on gradual inclines by using the hand brakes. She tended to bend over too much, pushing it too far in front of her-- it tended to get away from her. It was also much heavier than the aluminum kind, and hard to fold up to store. I disliked putting it my trunk-- heavy, awkward. </p>
<p>She actually does much better with a folding aluminum walker that has non-swiveling wheels in front and straight legs in back. I have put nylon “skis” on the back legs (they glide nicely on carpet) but the tennis ball approach also works.</p>
<p>Yes, I see tennis balls on many walking assistive devices and they seem to work well. It seems that the aluminum walking devices are not as prevalent around here as the steel ones–perhaps because aluminum is slightly more expensive, I’m guessing. In any case, have heard that many dislike the steel ones and are looking for the lighter aluminum models. It gives patients more independence when they can better manipulate and maneuver their own devices. </p>
<p>I did look it up and see a weight difference- maybe 3 lbs or less for a light walker vs 12 lbs for the light(est) rollator I got my mother. But, aside from considerations of picking it up (which she doesn’t,) her mobility increased dramatically when she first tried it. She needs it within her building, doesn’t drive. the senior rides have a lift or will help her. Her wheels go straight, not 360. She likes the chair and basket. This is all YMMV- which sort, which features. I do see walker with two front straight wheels, cheap, light. May as well share this link <a href=“http://greatmedicalsavings.com/search.html”>Loading...;
<p>We have a portable wheelchair that my father used, but my mother will need a strong one, like, soon based on my assessment of her yesterday. I can’t imagine getting a regular wheelchair in the trunk of a Subaru Legacy. I can hardly get the walker in. Can a regular wheelchair fit in a standard sedan? I will use these posts above for (what looks like) the near future. </p>
<p>LF:
</p>
<p>Yes, clearly afraid, and I don’t know why. No one would be surprised if I went off topic (it’s relevant here) and contrasted this mealy-mouth behavior against significant achievements I have initiated on my own, (well, one in particular) where I had 20 people answering to me, respecting and following my judgment.I was fearless, made decisions that affected international relationships and involved subtle “foreign manners” negotiations, and involved millions of dollars. The team I built up was so well trained I handed over the reigns when went to China for DD3 and today continues to thrive. </p>
<p>First, I learned through this rental car baloney and yesterday with my mother that I will NEVER be a doormat to either again and my sister and mother will be quite surprised at the lack of accommodating behavior on my part that will disappear when I see them soon/next.</p>
<p>But first, I must tell you the lowest of the low. Also while discussing the rental car, I (shudder to think of this now) I asked my sister in the email if she wanted to call our mother herself to tell her she’s coming to visit, or if she wanted me to tell her? Of course she replied, oh, tell her for me - she is too hard to talk to on the phone.</p>
<p>You don’t have to jump on me, because yesterday, when I wrote my sister the brief YOU WILL HAVE TO RENT A CAR PERIOD email it hit me like a thunderbolt how groveling and demeaning to myself my question about the phoning was,and It goes without saying, I should have written Here’s mom’s number. Call her and tell her you’re coming.</p>
<p>We don’t have to talk about stuff like this anymore. First, I will be angry for a week. Then I will be a different person. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>LasMa, this is easy to explain. A while back we walked about how my mother insisted on returning once to the house to identify each particular thing that she wanted to go to AL. Some people wrote Don’t let her go back! Cardinal Fang wrote what I felt, that it was kind to let her make one more trip to the house and select what she wanted herself. So I engaged a friend to help–gathered wine boxes and borrowed suitcases–and with the go-ahead of the SW, picked her up yesterday to do the job. THANK GOD I had the friend to be on hand, her handyman/best friend. (While he was upstairs I wrote him a thank you note, wrote him a worthy check, put them in an envelope, and placed it in his driver’s seat). So, senior management movers were not necessary/appropriate for this aspect of the move. </p>
<p>It was only partially a success, but very revealing. When I got to the NH to pick her up–I told the staff to have her READY at 1:15, she was far from ready and ignored me. As she is declining, I think of this much less personally and more like “this is old age.” She struggled for a long time to get her arm into a sweater and I made a big mistake. I should have asked permission to help her. But I’m used to dressing children for so long, I guess, I just reached down and tried to guide her hand/arm into her sleeve. “Get your hands off me! Stop manhandling me!” So that’s how we started. </p>
<p>We didn’t really test it, but it seems she can’t handle a walker. They gave me a wheelchair (and curiously, a copy of her DNR “in case you have to call an ambulance”) and it was hell/dangerous/nearly impossible to get her into the passenger seat. I certainly should have had an aide; they should have known. We’re on the road two minutes and she starts lashing into me, I forget what it was about/why. I turn on my book on CD, loud. She demanded turn that thing off! And the new me ignored her and we drove 40 minutes with the bk on CD playing. </p>
<p>Poor friend was waiting.Big effort to get mother into house . Mother sat in her wheelchair in the living room and kept saying what she wanted and immediately would change her mind. It was a farce. Unfortunately, friend filled boxes with dozens of framed family photos which I will have to undo because she will have nearly zero surface in the studio. Mother fell asleep and friend and I quickly had the obvious brainstorm to just do it ourselves, gathered , sheets, towels, a small amount of kitchen ware, etc. Mother wakes up and spends, I am not exaggerating, over an hour on the toilet. Periodically I scream (scream, not yell–she is too deaf to hear yelling) Are you alright? Do you need help? Leave me alone! I’m fine! Friend and I discuss what to do about the great Picture Gathering task. We pick out six works an add them to the pile of boxes we’ve accumulated in the garage. Its getting dark. INSIST SCREAMING that mother leave the bathroom and friend gets her into the car.In the car she says, I need socks, so I go back and get socks, meekly showing her what I selected. She SCREAMS at me I NEED WINTER SOCKS and tells me the weird hidden place they are. So I think and get heavy socks and add coat, scarf, hats, in a big black bag . We did nothing (o time) about packing day-to-day clothes but I will easily do it myself. Check the house, turn off the lights, check the bathroom, toilet and region soiled. Clean it all up. Throw up.</p>
<p>If only I had your read your advice posts about a meal. Pulled up right to the door of Dunkin Donuts and their doors are HEAVY. Scary/dangerous trouble getting mother into wheelchair and into store. Had to SCREAM every sandwich item to her. A dozen people standing behind us. She says, I’ll have a hamburger. I place her ham/cheese sandwich order tell server to bring it to the table, and go park the car. It took her an eternity to pick eat the sandwich the way a toddler eats, opening it, taking out scraps, drifting to sleep. I made three phone calls just to talk to people. Finally threw everything away, got the car to the door, and asked a man and his son to hold the door open for me. The man even helped me get my mother into the car. Called NH and said I am in front; send aids to help. Mother rushes straight to the bathroom and we don’t say goodbye.</p>
<p>Her second “nursing assessment” at the AL (the first expired after 30 days) is Wednesday, and she is so declined, I wonder if they will even assess her at ANY level as fit for AL. Now she needs help dressing , toileting, and needs a wheelchair. Tell me, will she qualify (at higher cost now ) for AL? Some of the questions on the application were about really feeble people, like, Can you feed yourself? (Are there people like her in AL, hidden away somewhere? Almost everyone I see at the ALs uses a walker (some are in wheelchairs.), Her “move in date” into AL is October 28. Is it possible? I guess I will find out on Wednesday, at the nursing assessment. </p>
<p>Dharma - if nothing else I completely sympathize and have learned some techniques from everyone else here as well. </p>
<p>Dharma, it’s hard-hard-hard! I am so glad that you are managing to slog through, one day at a time. And really, what’s the choice? You too, eyemamom. The bathroom situation is the same as it was with my stepmother. Since my dad and stepmother never made it to any kind of elderly-living situation while I was involved, I was so, so grateful to the aides who dealt with it. So I have no idea what’s the answer to your mother’s care situation. I do recall that my stepmother really lost ground when she was in transitions; once she was home at last for a few weeks, she regained a bit of what she lost. Just a bit but it really helped.</p>
<p>Congratulations on just-saying-no to your sister. It had to be done. I remember once when I had left my brother (who was in town for medical stuff) in my dad’s house talking to him and I was running around trying to buy the stuff on my dad’s shopping list. He kept texting me to come back and rescue him. Well, bro, welcome to my world!</p>
<p>I’m so sorry you had this awful time at her house and at Dunkin Donuts. It was predictable, but I understand why you wanted to try. </p>
<p>She may find the inner resources to put her best foot forward for the nursing assessment; my mother was able to “pull it together” for visits to the doctor and her psychiatric case worker, until quite recently. </p>
<p>I have several questions for you: </p>
<ol>
<li>If she goes to the AL but subsequently declines, where would she be sent for NH care?<br></li>
<li>If she the nursing assessment finds that she has declined too much for AL, will she stay where she is now? Or would you want her to move to another facility?</li>
<li>Have you already paid to reserve the AL for November?<br>
>>If so, is it refundable in whole or in part, if she is deemed inappropriate for AL?<br>
>>If you have not paid it yet, can you wait until you know the results of the nursing assessment-- or can the payment be made conditional on the results of the assessment?</li>
</ol>
<p>Regarding your sister’s visit-- it is not too late to email this to your sister:<br>
“On consideration, I have decided to leave it to you to tell Mom that you are coming for a visit.” </p>
<p>Don’t elaborate or explain. Then drop the subject. This will reinforce to your sister that Things Have Changed, that you are no longer the one who does her dirty work.</p>
<p>Also: Even if she needs a regular wheelchair, you can always buy her a travel chair for trips to doctors. You can keep that at your house/garage. It folds up.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>You’re learning the lesson – don’t offer. </p>
<p>You could email her back, “On second thought, it is no easier for me to talk to her than it is for you. Since I’m up to my eyeballs in moving/selling the house/arranging AL/etc., I’ll need you to call her yourself. Here’s her number.” </p>
<p>AS CTmom said, no explanations, and no side trails. Do not talk about Mom’s bathroom adventures, the visit to the house, the closing, the walker/wheelchair issue, etc etc etc. Nothing. Just – You call her. Period.</p>
<p>If this feels rude or unhelpful, please keep this in mind: How much has SHE done to help YOU?</p>
<p>Plus, one thing I’ve learned the hard way is that being the go-between is exceedingly time-consuming. If two people need to talk to each other, they should talk to EACH OTHER. Don’t let yourself be used as a message service.</p>