<p>You said it, LasMa!</p>
<p>Agree–email sis now with mom’s phone number and say, “you call mom and let her know your plans–I’m beyond busy.”</p>
<p>I’m so glad to visit the thread and find positive responses. After I posted this morning, I thought, you did everything wrong again–too long–too any details. Truly, I am asking myself why I can’t break these bad habits. I concluded, because, actually unlike anything before, even including the death of my biological child 20 years ago, each occasion with my mother seems gigantic, enormous, and most importantly,so completely out of my control (you know I am working hard on this and have gained much ground) and I feel compelled for some reason to write it all down, to get it under control or my mind is uncontrollably restless. So thank you for being patient. When we lost our son, we had enormous, enormous, support–I had several girlfriends who called me every single day for over a year and would hold the phone for an hour while I cried-- and embarked immediately on adoption from China, and were surrounded by adoptive families and little Chinese toddlers. In fact, we were partially through the process because our son came as a surprise after years of infertility, and adoption from China looked like the course we would take. A tangent, but included to try to explain, to myself included, my eccentricity and rule-breaking as a poster. </p>
<p>From CT mom:
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<p>1.Yes, I believe so, the one she is in now and likes, Somers Manor.
2, Yes, I am sure she would stay where she is. But exactly as you mentioned about your own mother, at prior nursing assessments I have seen my mother pull herself together enormously, and though she was so low yesterday, I may be wrong, but I expect her to be much better pulled together on Wednesday. Not as strong as she was 6-8 weeks ago, but I expect she will pass the nursing assessment. When I returned her to the NH last night, the nurse I’ve become familiar with said–after I told her that Adele had problems–said she had had a good morning and eaten heartily at breakfast and lunch. So maybe it’s “me” that makes her sick.
3. Yes and no. We have put down this peculiar $5,000 thing called a “community fee.” If she moves it, as AL is expecting, on Oct 28, we will pay for the few days left in Oct and November, and the so-called “last month” in a separate check which isn’t cashed until you are in the last month.
4. Yes, it is refundable, absolutely.
5. No problems here. The Nursing Assessment is the 22nd and if she is given the green light she can move in on the 28th. If she is told she needs more time in NH, to hold the room (vital) we will still pay for November, even if she moves in, say , Nov 15. But I expect she will either be told she is ready for AL, or needs more rehab in NH and then can move into AL. When I hand-delivered papers to AL last wk, the Director told me the AL will follow the NH’s MDs orders about what PT to continue/how often/other special considerations…</p>
<p>To late to reverse course on sister. I told my mother my sister was coming on the drive home. Pulling into DDs, she said “I don’t know what I would do without you and sister.” Now, to parse this. First I thought, ■■■? My sister hasn’t talked to her in almost a year. But then I realized that as a mother she NEEDS to think this way, that my sister is there for her. </p>
<p>But boy, how well I recognize that telling sister I would speak for her was a terrible, terrible mistake.</p>
<p>Met at 10 with the Estate Sales director. Made excellent plans.The sale will be Friday Nov 7 and Sat Nov 8.</p>
<p>Dharma, re your first paragraph. A good therapist can help you sort through all of those questions. I know you’re seeing someone periodically to get your meds refilled. That is not therapy. You need to get some honest-to-goodness therapy.</p>
<p>Do you know when the contract is going to be signed?</p>
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<p>No, it’s not too late to reverse course. Next time either of them tells you to convey a message to the other, say “No. I can’t. Here’s her number.” And bow out of the middle.</p>
<p>I’m glad you have fall-back plans for NH if needed and that the AL fee is refundable.</p>
<p>Don’t fret about what you’ve already done or said to sister. Going forward, though, remember to let your sister take care of her own affairs. Magic words: “Sorry, but I have enough on my plate; you’ll have to do that/figure it out yourself.”</p>
<p>And if she persists, fall back to the “broken record” approach. Same goes for anyone who is trying to get you to do things you don’t want to do.</p>
<p>You: “Sorry, I can’t do it.”
Them: “Why not?”<br>
You: “Because I just can’t.”
Them: “Why can’t you?”
You: “Because I have enough on my plate.”</p>
<p>A few rounds of this and people get the message. ;)) </p>
<p>Dont forget the "How about if you handle that? "
An why doesnt mom, if too frail for AL, just stay in the NH?</p>
<p>Good question, jym.</p>
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<p>Oh yes of course!!! I will NEVER NEVER subjugate myself in that way again. I am shocked at myself for being asleep all these years. Again, I hate to flatter, but it was only “reading myself back to myself” via comments on this thread that got me to see the way things are. </p>
<p>Contracts. I had a long talk with my realtor about contracts because I emailed her on Fri that things were moving too slowly. She said to relax and that things were moving normally, that the lawyers go back and forth on details (what kind, I wonder…do they negotiate changes or what?), and that the buyer is eager to sign the contract and put down $7,700 deposit and close asap. </p>
<p>Therapy. This seems to be the afternoon for disclosures. I had a quite serious postpartum depression (runs in the family you know) and took lithium and Prozac for a year; I was actually too sick to talk for the good part of a year. My psychiatrist retired, I got better, and I hooked up with the Chinese MD who was basically a mother-substitute and friend. It was not “real therapy” but I don’t know what real therapy is. The Social Worker now is simply a nice woman. So obviously I have never had any real therapy, certainly no “therapeutic insight” or anything like that and feel quite skeptical that therapy would do me any good anyway. I do know one thing that would do me good. Virginia Woolf and her sister Vanessa Bell said it about their father.</p>
<p>What I would love would be some books to read about what therapy is and what it aims to do.I would like to learn how to teach myself. But I live in a VERY small town and would have to travel far to find a gifted therapist–a shot in the dark. Best of all, I would like a recommended (recommendations like on Amazon) on-line pen-pal therapist than travel an hour to a rich cultural center to hunt for one in the dark. My only trouble is one word–mother–and otherwise I am perfectly fine and look forward to the day when…</p>
<p>jym626, at the NH, the Social Worker, MD, and nurses who see her every day are planning that she go to AL.Last week with the AL Director I went through the pages the MD filled out about my mother one by one and the MD answered “yes” to everything about mother being an appropriate candidate for AL. It is assumed all around. I was half-kidding that it was “me” that makes her sick, but in fact it might be the truth. It is my own “keeping it to myself” fear from observing her yesterday that the nursing assessment may have a bad result. Over all these months, and believe me I have been good ( well, maybe better to say “I tried my best”),she has brought all the trouble on herself and I have been there for her to associate it all with. She probably feels much better when she is away from me. Maybe this is wild thinking or maybe it is the simple truth. But yes indeed, yesterday she couldn’t make up her mind about anything, dozed frequently, and had trouble in the bathroom for over an hour. Possibly, being back in the house was bad for her. I highly, highly, highly doubt she will ever return to the house. I cannot conceive of any scenario where she returns to the house. </p>
<p>We cannot wait until our parents pass to heal. Too much time is lost that way.</p>
<p>I suggest to you the forum <a href=“http://www.agingcare.com”>www.agingcare.com</a>
Lots of therapy in venting there.</p>
<p>I have to do my mother’s online banking first - then I will head right over there! Thanks CTmom!</p>
<p>Can someone experienced explain what a person needs to be able to do, in order to stay in Assisted Living? Dharma’s description of her mother’s current condition sounded like she might not be deemed able to have any kind of independent living at all. But I don’t fully understand how “assisted” Assisted Living is.</p>
<p>Someone who needs help with dressing, toileting, wheelchair is not a candidate for Independent Living, but would be for Assisted Living. My parents have had help with all three, plus bathing and medication.</p>
<p>CF, thank you for writing in. I was just over at aging care.com, recommended by CTmom2018, and was stunned to read (I read quickly) the horror stories of suffering elderly and their compassionate and suffering caregivers. My situation, by comparison to what I read, is a breeze, mostly because we will have the assets for AL to last, with Social Security for years. I was really humbled–and straightened out–to read some of the very grim stories.</p>
<p>CF, you are asking the question I asked last night after being so shocked last night at my mother’s decline that I wondered if she would in fact be eligible for AL, when only months ago she was assessed as needing “zero need,” e…g, no extra money for help dressing etc.But today I feel more positive. Truly, I think I make her sick/depressed. She is much livelier with the nurses and aides at the NH. She enjoys an audience. Now, I would not be surprised if she were assessed as needing what they call something like “Level 1 assistance” for something like $750 more a month than the base price. You can look back at 662 (too long for you) where I discuss how she can extraordinarily rebound; I have seen it several times. I do think she will pass the Nursing Assessment and enter AL, but likely at “Level 1 assistance.” It is interesting to wonder how the caregiving staff keep careful tabs on each resident and observe how they slip to need higher care levels, or need to move to a nursing home. </p>
<p>How “assisted” is Assisted Living? There are at the place we have chosen four levels of need, each rising in cost nearly $1,000. When visiting, I never see these “high need” clients. They must stay in/close to their rooms all day. But I also know you have to have an MDs excuse to have meals in your room; you are expected in the dining room, whatever your “care level.” Very confusing, where does the distinction between needing “highest need level of care” at AL and NH care lie?</p>
<p>DH is calling me to come upstairs “to talk.” Endearingly, all his elementary school report cards said he “talked too much.” Daughters talk nonstop from 2:15 till bedtime. Why would I want to talk in therapy? I would rather read, alone, with my Poodle.</p>
<p>LasMa, our posts overlapped. Thank you for your reassuring comment. With POA, I filled out the entire entrance application for AL for my mother. One of the questions was actually, Can you cut your food by yourself? For an AL application!</p>
<p>Remarkably, MIL (who drank) was in Independent Living at the BEST place nearby (mother nastily isn’t interested because MIL who outclassed her lived there) until age 92 when she suddenly became so ill, she went directly to the NH, simultaneously ran out of money, and is there on Medicare. I know I’ve said it before, but we never told her that her daughter, age 62, whom I loved dearly, died in April. (MIL has dementia.)</p>
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<p>Do you feel like your response to this crisis has served you well?</p>
<p>You misunderstand therapy. The “talking” that we do all day with family, friends, etc. is not therapy. Other side of the coin: Therapy isn’t talk for talk’s sake. Therapy is not conversation. It is an examination of what’s going on way down deep. I posted some questions several weeks ago that a therapist might explore with you. They are questions aimed at getting to the deepest wounds – and we all have wounds – with the goal of healing them. </p>
<p>Dharma, I have had a similar reaction when reading some of those threads. </p>
<p>The Agingcare website has a lot of helpful information, worth reading (beyond the horror-story threads.) </p>
<p>LasMa, I admit, I DID read your questions carefully and I remember doing so vividly, and at the moment, and now, I was/am reluctant to address them. Of course this is terribly telling. You honestly leave me no choice but to visit that post which I will do, and thank you, tomorrow. I do admit, I was unhappy and uneasy to think deeply about the extremely trenchant questions you posed. As an atheist who marvels at the miracles of life, I say God bless you. </p>
<p>Therapy questions are supposed to make us squirm. :-)</p>
<p>Talking with friends, posting to sympathetic ears in a forum, curling up with a good book and a pet – we speak of these things as being “therapeutic” because they feel good. And there is value in them. But they are not therapy. Therapy is working one on one with someone who will be with you as you explore those deepest questions. </p>
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Medicaid maybe. Medicare doe not cover NH other than rehab, for limited days.</p>