<p>Medicaid, probably. Medicaid is the payer for long-term care for people who have run out of money.</p>
<p>I am asking myself why I can’t break these bad habits.<br>
I will NEVER NEVER subjugate myself in that way again</p>
<p>When the wiring in your house is smoking, you hire a licensed electrician.</p>
<p>if we could fix these problems as easily as an affirmation, reading a book, getting the nth hug, virtual or real, we wouldn’t find ourselves trapped in cycles. A professional offers that training and the perspective that comes from immersing themselves in the practice. They help us dispel the illusions that trap us, and find a way forward.</p>
<p>I know lots of people who say, well, I had someone way back when. Nearly every poster here is saying, when one suffers today, one needs help today. </p>
<p>Catching up again.</p>
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<p>This is something you just get used to, and plan for. These elderly parents are slower than molasses. When you’re scheduling something, build in FAR more time than you’d think you would reasonably need. Then double it. It probably still won’t be enough. ;)</p>
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<p>Now you know. I remember the “aha” moment with my parents, the moment I thought, “Oh! OK! Going out to restaurants is something we don’t do anymore. Got it!” </p>
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<p>Remember when your kids were very small, and everyone said they were perfect angels, but sometimes they were perfect devils when they were with you? Same thing. They’re afraid of the world in general because they know they’re powerless, but they feel safe with us, and save their worst moments for us.</p>
<p>As far as her picking at her food, being very tired – this is to be expected. She’s very old and sick, and all of a sudden her world is changing. It’s a shock, and her body is reacting. I feel like once she’s in AL and the dust settles a bit, she’ll start to bounce back. As far as spending an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom, that comes with the territory too. My mom says she’s considering getting a phone installed in hers. (OMG I hope not!)</p>
<p>They don’t call it the reading room for nothing!</p>
<p>And to clarify something-- I hope the “pen pal therapist” comment was tongue in cheek, as that is NOT how therapists work. </p>
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<p>jym626, interested in what you mean by “reading room” but don’t understand. Does this refer somehow to my mother picking out “her room” in my house, which is my daughter’s music room?</p>
<p>And yes, I did mean Medicaid. </p>
<p>Actually, I was half kidding/half serious about “pen pal therapist” because I have read so many collections of great writer’s collections of letters to and from gifted fellow artists, pre Freud, Jung and therapy, that clearly resulted, for the writers, in “therapy”–self understanding and therapeutic feedback-- although I admit that without having been in an authentic therapeutic relationship my understanding of therapy is weak. I did “therapy” as a word search in my huge library system and scanned pages of interesting titles, some of them very new books.I can’t get into these books, or a relationship with a therapist, until my mother is settled. I just can’t pursue an entirely different direction right now. My DD2, who found her own eating-disorder therapist after the “wedding dress” comment, can quit, according to the therapist, whenever she wants, but DD2 wants to continue, and because she is so fixated on being valedictorian, I want her to broaden her sense of values and self worth and continue with this very gifted and intelligent therapist. She is the perfect person to ask for a recommendation for myself. Interestingly, DD1 has started going to what the Health Center calls “counseling” because she gets homesick and cries when she is stressed with school work. She is very happy with the results. Perhaps a blunder or perhaps an insight, I told her, don’t be shy about talking about your parents in counseling, and that most people do. She is all of 20 years old already.</p>
<p>Recently, I also hate to talk to anyone because I shout. Everyone in my family tells me to stop shouting. This can only result from the fact that I have to not now shout–but scream–at my mother, and she often repeats questioningly what I scream with entirely different words than what I said to her. I pray the hearing aids come in today (I will call the audiologist later) because tomorrow’s nursing session will be a freak show of shouting/screaming if my mother doesn’t have the hearing aids. Over the phone, the audiologist told me she also shouts at home and her family complains. </p>
<p>Not off-topic because related to mother stress: G called last night and he is doing the entire lamp post job today. He laughed hysterically telling me that for some reason, the fool of a husband took a hammer to the sheetrock in some region of a wall he thought was related to the electricity (the lamp still lit despite the dent, so this seems absurdly purposeless) and made a big hole. So now G also has to tape the hole, spackle and sand it, and paint it. He better give THEM the bill for that. </p>
<p>Almost forgot: got an email from sister. “No problem. Friend and I will rent a car.” I built the Great Wall of China for nothing.</p>
<p>I think jym was referring to the bathroom as the reading room.</p>
<p>Oh of course! I just hate it when I see reading materials in people’s bathrooms. So completely unnecessary and unattractive (IMHO).</p>
<p>CF, re your question 671. This is the partial discussion on Wikipedia, the best part. Note at the end how the text mentions how more and more ALS are providing more “levels of care” and providing care to some that nearly resembles the care provided in a NH. Remember, one of the questions on my mother’s application was, Can you cut your own food!</p>
<p>Assisted Living Types
As widely varied as the state licensing and definitions are, so are the types of physical layouts of buildings that provide assisted living services. Assisted living facilities can range in size from a small residential house for one resident up to very large facilities providing services to hundreds of residents. Assisted living falls somewhere between an independent living community and a skilled nursing facility in terms of the level of care provided. Continuing care retirement facilities combine independent living, assisted living, and nursing care in one facility.</p>
<p>People who live in newer assisted living facilities usually have their own private apartment. There is usually no special medical monitoring equipment that one would find in a nursing home, and their nursing staff may not be available at all hours. However, trained staff are usually on-site around the clock to provide other needed services. Household chores are performed: sheets are changed, laundry is done, and food is cooked and served as part of the base rent and included services. Depending on their disclosure of services, assisted living services may include medication management, bathing assistance, dressing, escorts to meals and activities, toileting, transferring, and insulin injections by an RN. Some homes even have a beauty parlor on site. Grocery service is often available too. Where provided, private apartments generally are self-contained; i.e., they have their own bedroom and bathroom, and may have a separate living area or small kitchen. Registered nurses and license practical nurses are available by phone or e-mail 24 hours out of the day, to ensure proper teaching and/or education of staff available.</p>
<p>Alternatively, individual living spaces may resemble a dormitory or hotel room consisting of a private or semi-private sleeping area and a shared bathroom. There are usually common areas for socializing, as well as a central kitchen and dining room for preparing and eating meals.</p>
<p>Typical resident[edit]
An assisted living resident is defined as a resident who needs assistance with at least one of the activities of daily living.</p>
<p>A typical assisted living facility resident would usually be a senior citizen who does not need the level of care offered by a nursing home but prefers more companionship and needs some assistance in day-to-day living. Age groups will vary with every facility. There is currently a transformation occurring in long-term care. Assisted living communities are accepting higher and higher levels of care and nursing homes are becoming a place for those undergoing rehabilitation after a hospital stay or are individuals who need extensive assistance. Many assisted living communities now accept individuals who need assistance with all activities of daily living.</p>
<p>The first goal of self-examination is as simple as finding a self-sense of balance. But, as I have learned with my own mother, that’s not just about finding and curling up with a book that pleases you, agrees with you.</p>
<p>We still have to interact successfully, too. And meet obligations. Real therapy is meant to identify and repair. Can’t do that second-hand or from afar. We go to medical doctors for their expertise and we can go to psyche professionals for theirs. </p>
<p>If answering your mother requires screaming, consider not answering her. Smile and nod.</p>
<p>I hear you.</p>
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<p>Yes, but remember Sunday afternoon, coming to the closed bathroom door and screaming every ten minutes, Mom, are you alright? Do you need any help? After an hour I had a thunderbolt-insight and screamed You’ve been in the bathroom long enough! Get out! Now!" And she did. </p>
<p>Had the smarts to call the audiologist and the new hearing aids came in yesterday. So on the way to picking up mother to go to the nurse’s assessment, will pick up/pay for (with her money) the hearing aids, and get there a half hour early. The audiologist said she set them exactly as my mother had liked the previous ones, but she will need a few minutes to get used to them and to call and tell the receptionist to interrupt her if she is with a client if mother wants/needs to talk to her on the phone about the new aids . I alerted the SW that the new aids are arriving so that they can immediately set up a protective care plan, if she is available at that time.</p>
<p>This is a great thing because, presuming the hearing aids do their job, the nurse’s assessment will not be a confused screaming session. Wish us luck with the nurse’s assessment. </p>
<p>GTalum, just wanted to say I’m reading your saga and offer sympathy. One thing I’m not clear on and would like to know–they are in Independent Living? Can they be easily moved, within the same facility, to Assisted Living? Sorry you are going through so much. Glad to hear you’re drinking wine. What do you like? I like Bandit Pinot Grigio in a box.</p>
<p>eyeamom, not to alarm you, but I think your situation is very grave, and if I can be so bold, I wonder how it would be if you took the reins yourself, got your mother into AL asap (it takes time to fill out all the forms and get a nursing assessment, but it is doable and can be done quickly), and tell your siblings in a business-like confident email about how you have decided to move things forward, as is best in your judgment. My thoughts may be clouded by how unhelpful my own sister has been; granted she is quite a distance away, but she has been out of communication with my mother for almost a year–really–and as I have written here, ignored my emails for over 8 weeks. I would recommend you gird yourself and make things happen fast, and not wait for a family siblings consensus because your siblings are not being responsive enough and you are clearly very stressed. I agree with LasMa that I don’t understand why your mother was sent home. Suggest you talk urgently to the Case Worker at the NH and have your mother readmitted, then moved to AL. Reading your posts, it sounds like you have to be more assertive with the caregivers at NH and AL. I had to learn from folks at CC. Good luck. Keep in touch.</p>
<p>Dharma I think you may have intended to post #690 on the other thread?</p>
<p>No, dear CTmom. I am not allowed to post on the other thread. I wrote a few brief words on that thread that i wanted to talk to GTalum and eyeamom and to come to my thread for my comments. I do read the Elder Care thread. Thank you so much for following my footsteps.</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, I am not sure (perhaps someone can clarify) but I don’t think there is any problem with your offering your two (or more) cents in commentary on a post by someone else on the other thread.</p>
<p>I never read that you are BANNED from posting on any thread, specifically, just that it is preferred that you not make any other thread totally about your issues. Contributing and following thread topics is something we are ALL invited to do. Going off topic makes things confusing for many of us.</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, I am consulting on Thursday with the care management team where they are. </p>
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<p>Thank you, dear old mom. I will email you privately when I have a chance, probably Thursday. </p>
<p>I quite understand, and understand how this is totally different for keeping the focus on myself on my own thread–a thought that terrifies me that I may have a “self-focusing” trait in common with my mother; I overthink and am terrified to make that assessment. Did I ever mention, during my very sick post partumn period (OMG I was so sick), my highly accomplished and skilled MD remarked “you and your mother are two very different people.” She was being very intrusive about my care and badgering all the staff but,how knows? It may have been a good thing to do, and she may have made fierce insistence that I be supplied with meals at odd hours, truly loving things, etc. . But for over 20 years since that remark,I have been intrigued by that remark the MD made and wish I hadn’t been too ill to ask him to explain/elaborate/inform me because, certainly, his role was to be my psychiatrist and explain this to me, what it meant that in his assessment that “my mother and I were two truly different people.”. I will never forget that remark and will always wonder what he observed and what he thought. During the talks with him that I remember,we talked a lot about not about issues and conflicts ( I was too ill to deal with such) but about our persona lives. He told me that he himself suffered from depression and daily used a early-morning light lamp (never appeared to me). He told me that his father died when he was age 12, that his mother was very severely bi-polar and that his young wife died leaving him with two children as he was beginning his career. I asked him, did she die “expectantly” or "unexpectantly? He replied “unexpecantly” and I will always wonder if she committed suicide… He got me on high doses of two very serious meds (on Thanksgiving day I had lithium poisoning and had to go to the hospital, wife, husband, and baby, , so probably a little too high),but he couldn’t take it anymore and retired to play golf (remarried) in Florida. He was the Psych director of a major hospital in Westchester who said some very personal kind, even loving, things to me. </p>
<p>Just got off the phone with my mother and she is totally confused, got everything wrong, but understands clearly (I think) that I am picking her up tomorrow to travel to her nurse’s assessment at 2:15 pm. Thank god we will have the new hearing aids. </p>
<p>Dharma. Remember what happened last time? Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can show up at the appointed time, and she’ll be all ready to go. Get there early. That’s just how it is with our parents. They have to be herded.</p>
<p>First I have to pick up the hearing aids at about 12:30. I will get to the NH at 1 pm (the staff in her unit know to get her ready at 1 and have a portable wheelchair ready) and plan to get her in the car at 1:30, giving us 45 minutes to get to the 2:15 appointment, and the ride to the AL should only take 20 minutes. </p>
<p>But thanks for the heads up. Your note prompted me just now to call her unit and remind them.</p>
<p>Hope the appointment went well.</p>