<p>It’s a long story why, but though I’m a likable person with social skills, I am somewhat introverted and found that I have no close friends who are girls at my college. I started off freshman year with quite a few friends from my dorm (all dorms at my school are single-sex, and most people stay in the same dorm all 4 years), but I honestly didn’t really share that many interests with them so I secluded myself to the point where we weren’t close anymore. I still managed to find a girl in my dorm who was an acquaintance and also needed a roommate, and lived with her this year (sophomore year).</p>
<p>First semester this year, I had a boyfriend from back home, so I would go home every weekend to spend time with him. Therefore, I didn’t really make any new friendships/interact with people in my dorm–mainly just people in my classes (who became I okay friends with, but not super close with). I have one girl friend on the entire campus (she lives in a different dorm) who I have even gone to the dining hall or a party with this year, aside from my current roommate (who I don’t think likes me–she’s very hard to live with and I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells with her). Should I ask her–the friend from another dorm–to be my roommate next year? It might be super weird though because it’s not like we even hang out together on the weekends. And it would require me switching dorms if she wants to room with me. How should I ask her without sounding like a loser with no friends in my own dorm?</p>
<p>The only other option I see is living in a single, either in my current dorm or another female dorm on campus. But that would be lonely and weird I don’t see anyone else needing a roommate from my dorm though, unless somehow there’s someone as desperate as me :(</p>
<p>Thank you for your help…it’s much appreciated!</p>
<p>I think you are overly concerned with what’s “weird.” If this is a nice girl that likes you well enough, she is not going to take the time to stop and consider and think, “JEEZ, doesn’t she have any friends!?” She might say no thank you, but I don’t think you have anything to lose by just casually asking, “hey, I’m looking for a new roomie next year, might you be interested?” Don’t make it weird by launching into a drawn out explanation of how you wouldn’t ask her except you have no friends in your dorm-- THAT would be weird, just asking her isn’t weird. She will probably be flattered. If she says no, just say, “oh okay, no problem!” and come up with plan B. Can you get a random roommate? I lived in a single and I didn’t think it was random and weird, but it sounds like you would be happier with a random roommate than being on your own and maybe it would force you not to seclude yourself so much. You can’t expect new friends to come dig you out of your dorm on their own, you have to do your part to meet people and make friends. </p>
<p>I say this as someone who was notoriously bad at that myself in school. I found that sometimes when I found myself in this situation and I did the thing that felt “weird,” the other person was glad I reached out and we became closer friends. It’s not weird to put yourself out there and give it a try. The worst she can do is say no, and that’s okay, maybe she already has other plans-- it may not be anything personal. </p>
<p>I think you know enough about this girl- hard to live with- walking on eggshells- that sharing a room with her is not in your best interest. I think you might find someone more compatible with you by going on the room mate match board and finding someone who you have something in common with, perhaps a transfer student- who is also looking for a room mate. This is less risky than signing an off campus lease with room mates that you don’t know.
I think you know the reason for your “problem” and the solution. Whenever a student goes home for the weekend, he/she becomes more like a commuter student. The students who stay on campus attend activities, eat meals and just hang out together. This doesn’t happen as much during the week because people are busy with classes and homework. You have missed out on some social bonding opportunities, and students may be in their friend groups already.
You are going to have to make an effort to make friends, but it is doable. People are past the “I’m new looking for friends” part of college, but they are still interested in making new ones. Join a few groups where people share your interests- academic, religious (if you practice one), and volunteer. Put yourself in places where you will meet people. If you still have your boyfriend, it is understandable to want to see him, but unless you agree to spend some time on campus, he will be your only social outlet. IMHO, that isn’t ideal for someone your age and it is good to meet people and have other interests too.
Do not expect your room mate to be your closest friend. Nobody wants to have a room mate depend on them entirely. Ideally, room mates should be compatible by lifestyle- neat or messy, late night or early riser- those sort of things that you would need to be compatible with. It is also good to have separate friends so one room mate does not feel obliged to bring the other to everything. Then, if you become friends that is great, but focus on compatibility and consideration.
Take action to make friends and it will happen. Desperation is never attractive. Be active, involved, find a compatible room mate and you will be making steps towards changing things.</p>
<p>Think the above is good advice. Maybe send her a text so you don’t have to worry that it might sound awkward. I love texting when it comes to uncomfortable situations because it allows both parties to think about their response. No one is put on the spot.</p>
<p>When i was in college, the single rooms were VERY coveted. Everyone wanted one by junior year. We had to do a lottery for them and I was lucky enough to get one my senior year. I had enough of dorm living by junior year, but my parents would not let me move off campus with a group of my friends who found an apartment close by. I loved having the single. Living in a room the size of a closet with someone you may or may not like all that much can be a challenge.</p>
<p>Check with your RA…she may know of another girl in your dorm looking for a roomie. Also, check with the Transfers office…there are always a few incoming new students.<br>
And living alone does have benefits…but it helps to keep your door open.<br>
And there is a lot of wisdom in Ema’s post above… </p>
<p>Exactly, Emaveevul…I literally have two “friends” who are girls: my current roommate (although she has a lot of difficult qualities that make her hard to live with: super light sleeper, thinks it’s offensive if I change in front of her, goody-goody, ALWAYS works in the room so I never have it to myself…I sat on her futon last night with my guy friend and today there was a note reading, “DO NOT use the futon”). Plus, my current roommate actually has other friends now, so I’m sure she’s already planning something for next year.</p>
<p>I get along very well with the other girl (who I’ve been decent friends with since last year, but we’re not super good friends), but she may have friends of her own from her own dorm that she’s planning to room with. Thank you Emaveevul, I think I’m going to text her now asking if she’d be interested. If not, I guess I’ll try for a single…I remember last year there was some “roommate mingle” thing that our previous rectress put on, so that could be another option.</p>
<p>How would I go about rooming with a transfer student? That would be basically like rooming blind, right? I had a bad experience with that freshman year… Also, most of the room-pick business seems to be done within the dorm. I just emailed my rectress asking how likely it would be to get a single as a junior. Otherwise, I have the option to “float for a single”, which places me in a lottery eligible for a single in some random female dorm on campus (which I’m kind of worried about, because there’s potential that I would know NO ONE in the dorm…also, there are only a select few female dorms that have engineering majors–my major). Also I’m not even sure if it’s 100% certain that I’m guaranteed a single that way.</p>
<p>I was thinking there was a room mate matching board at your college. Many colleges have them. Room mates put up a profile- and then communicate with other potential room mates there. Going completely random is risky, which is why colleges have these. Many on the board are freshmen, but I imagine that transfer students would look there too.
Maybe ask your housing office if there is a way for incoming transfer students to find room mates. It isn’t entirely blind if you can “talk” online about the important aspects of living together- interests, habits, neat/messy, quiet/loud and so on. You can at least establish if you two are compatible and considerate as room mates.
It seems scary not to know anyone in the dorm, but considering that you can meet new friends, it could be an opportunity.</p>
<p>^ Okay, thank you…I’m not even a difficult person to live with! I’m very accommodating. I just don’t want someone who’s a lunatic/annoying like my current one. And preferably someone I could see myself actually hanging out/being friends with. I’m going to ask my one friend, check to see if there are any others in my dorm who need roommates, and if not, try for a single.</p>
<p>I don’t get the hesitation about rooming in one of the other girls dorms. I get that it’s typical at your school to stay in the same dorm all 4 years, but you’re not close with any of those girls–why stay someplace you’re not really clicking with anyway? Maybe you’d fit in better in one of the other dorms, and if not worst case scenario you’re in the same situation you’re already in. Nothing to lose, and you have a lot to gain. What good is knowing people in the dorm if you don’t want to be friends with them anyway? A new building could be a better fit if that ends up being your best option.</p>
<p>It’ll be okay! Trying to get housing arrangements squared away is stressful but I am sure you will work something out. I agonized over it myself and things were never as bad as I thought they were going to be.</p>
<p>Okay, I’m going to text my friend from another dorm. Should I say anything like, “if not, I understand” or “if you don’t already have plans”? Or anything about me switching dorms? I know the first thing that would come to her mind is, “wait, but that would require one of us switching dorms…” if i just ask if she’s interested in being my roommate…</p>
<p>I’m thinking of the girl you know in the other dorm that you just texted. Perhaps, even if she’s all set, she might know of other friends in her building looking for a roommate, since you said she has a friendship circle there. So if she texts back “no” perhaps you can reply text to ask if she knows of other friends now looking. Wouldn’t it be great if you could all solve each others’ problems this way. Your willingness to move buildings is a plus in your favor here.</p>
<p>As far as sitting on your current roommate’s futon with your guy, if the futon is also her bed, then you made a social mistake to sit on her bed rather than clear your own bed to sit down with him. If it’s a different function, for example, she bought an extra futon (not her bed) that sits center-room like a kind living area sofa to watch TV, that would have been unfair to you as these are small rooms. </p>
<p>^ Good point about my friend from the other dorm! You’re right, there’s got to be someone who needs a roommate. </p>
<p>And the futon is NOT her bed! I would have sat on my bed with my guy friend (not my boyfriend) but our beds are both lofted so I didn’t want to invite him up there…that would’ve been a little too forward for me! The futon is literally used basically as a couch (apparently her own personal couch that I’m not allowed to sit in…I never sat on it before out of courtesy because I know she has a nit-picky personality, but I NEVER thought it was off-limits to me! Also, there is only room for one futon, and she offered to “bring the futon”! Therefore, I don’t have my own futon, and there is nowhere else for two people to sit in the room aside from desk chairs!)</p>
<p>I don’t know why you don’t just live in a single next year if you can get one. Regarding it being “lonely”, you acknowledge that your own choices have made you somewhat isolated from other women on campus. It seems like you could change that dynamic if you want to next year. So just take the single and make more of an effort to be on campus, participate in groups, and renew or make new friendships.</p>
<p>You know what, you’re right. It might actually be better for me to be in a new dorm. It seems like people in my own dorm are pretty closed-off (or, if they’re somewhat open, they’re just totally not into the same things I’m into, to the point where I don’t enjoy being with them). Maybe a fresh start is just what I need…</p>
<p>Almost every person that I know among my daughter’s friends (including my daughter!) had better luck living with a stranger than with a close friend. Friends tended to take each other for granted, figuring that anything they did was OK, since they were friends, right? “Oh, she won’t mind if I take her last apple” or “I’m sure I can borrow her sweater.” Strangers or acquaintances tended to negotiate the living situation between themselves, not assuming anything. As long as you aren’t looking for a best friend (which may happen but shouldn’t be pushed), you can have a good experience.</p>
<p>D1s school has a facebook page for people looking for roommates. You should look into that. Also, I don’t see the harm in a single, except it’s typically more expensive.</p>
<p>Do juniors typically still live on campus? At most schools we looked at, they move to off-campus housing at that point. D1 is in a group house with 9 other students, all with private rooms. She has more space, privacy, plus it’s cheaper for 12 months than it was for 9 in a dorm. She found that through a message board the university manages where people post ‘looking for roommate’ or ‘looking for housing’. </p>
I don’t see anyone else needing a roommate from my dorm though, unless somehow there’s someone as desperate as me :(</p>
Trying to get housing arrangements squared away is stressful but I am sure you will work something out. I agonized over it myself and things were never as bad as I thought they were going to be.</p>