Just getting it done. http://www.newsadvance.com/news/state/vmi-grad-tested-by-family-tragedy-heads-to-marine-corps/article_33f9bde7-a197-5c39-879d-19bde911dfbb.html
Unbelievable story – what an inspiration to young men.
I don’t find this inspiring at all. Guy will eventually have a breakdown or end up with emotional issues that plague his future relationships. Allowing yourself to experience grief is an important part of healing and being human. This sort of unrealistic “heroism” is more pathological than anything to celebrate in my opinion. Kid’s whole family got wiped out. Father, mother, brother, sister. Dead. If you can continue to be a cutthroat achievement seeker and graduate valedictorian after that…I would really worry about your priorities in life.
@MaryGJ - I think that you are looking hard to find a cloud inside all of that silver lining. Did you read the story? Where did you see anything said by him or about him that would make you describe his as “cutthroat”? He was voted valedictorian by his classmates as an honor for his character and courage. He is going to spend the summer after graduation traveling and doing mission work with his brother. People grieve and move forward in different ways and at different speeds. Unless you know this young man personally and have a lot more experience with him than the writer of this piece and those he interviewed, I don’t see a need to go out of your way to assume that he has poor priorities in life and describe his actions as pathological.
Here is Drew’s reasoning in his own words:
To me this sounds like an emotionally healthy and determined young man doing the best he can to deal with an unspeakable tragedy.
Different strokes for different folks. It seems as though he made a good choice of schools for him. The military will give him the family support he lost. I do not see the problems proposed by post #2 because he was already in a mindset with his schooling before his losses. His comment about school gave him a future instead of just a past. I think post #4 has a better handle on this man. He is continuing on the path he set out on with a lot of support both from his school and the structure of being in the military.
Interesting how many very diverse ways there are to raise a child. There are reasons people choose/avoid colleges. He is fortunate his fit him. Radically different from what we believe and good choices for our son.
I can’t help thinking about how the military has changed without the draft. I was a teen/college student during the Vietnam War era. Huge differences. All sorts of discussion could result…
This young man’s father passed away unexpectedly 2 years ago. His mom and 2 siblings died in a plane crash last fall. His mom undoubtedly modeled what the family expectations were after his dad died. The younger children didn’t drop out of high school. His mom didn’t pull him from college, so it’s a good bet the expectation was that the family would go on and continue to meet their day to day responsibilities. He sounds like a great kid and a wonderful big brother. His younger brother will probably be graduating from high school in June. I wonder what his college plans are.
People grieve in different ways. Some people a year of emotional tears while others need the comfort of maintaining daily rituals. No way is the right way for everyone. I can see where “putting his head down and immersing himself in the busy schedule” would help him as they were his decisions to grieve in the way he wanted to. If he can deal with these tragedies and still stay strong, it will make him a better Marine on the battlefield.
The people who have breakdowns in such a situation are the people who want to grieve but feel they can’t. I don’t get the impression this young man felt he wasn’t allowed to grieve.
@MaryGJ - I find your response, not his, troubling. This young man had things happen in his life that were tragic but that were not of his doing. Yes, his family is gone, bit what would you have him do? In the article, he states that this day “is not about him but the class” but your warped sense of the world requires that he carry that moniker for life and that he becomes a victim to his circumstances.
I firmly cheer him and jeer you.
Societally, we like to pretend that grief is something healthy people move through without many problems, when in reality grief is something we learn to cope with over time. A lot of time. Grief is also cumulative.
We also like to pretend that having your entire family snuffed out unexpectedly won’t leave you with massive Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that will grossly complicate future interpersonal relationships. We further like to pretend that PTSD is a simple thing that the kindness and understanding of the right pretty girl will cure…when in reality, the right pretty girl often finds herself on the abusive end of PTSD…and people die from it daily by taking their own lives.
Part of the reason we have so many PTSD deaths is the expectation of unrealistic false-bravado attitudes expressed in articles like this one. “No Excuses” even when your whole family is killed? Seriously?
I’m not faulting the young man for coping any way he can. I’m faulting those who see his efforts as admirable and heroic…when he should be encouraged to save his own life by getting help addressing what happened, instead of running from it.
A huge contributing factor to our suicide epidemic among veterans is America’s denial of mental health realities.
Let’s praise this kid for “pulling himself up by the bootstraps and getting on with his life” is not an appropriate reaction to a tragedy of this magnitude…or the psychological damage that’s been inflicted.
Yes, far more heroic to curl up and suck your thumb for 12 months.
I just hope that his younger brother won’t have to endure the tragedy of his brother dying in battle (or from any otherh cause)!
Yes, perhaps you can convey that to the returning veterans with PTSD who are killing themselves at alarming rates.
This young man’s story is far from over.
There’s no one way to grieve. There’s no one way to cope. I don’t think anyone would fault this young man for curling up in the fetal position for a few months, but is there any reason that has to be his reaction?
I’ve seen other people who have gone through similar tragedies and who have been able to both deal with a horrible loss and not let it hold them back from achievement.
My own mother lost her father in the spring of her senior year in an accident that left her mother and younger siblings severely injured. The physical trauma her mother experienced was so great the surgeon who worked on her, one of her father’s best friends, didn’t recognize her until the kids were brought in. My mother dealt with the funeral, care for her mother, brother and sister, and her own final exams and graduation, and planned her own wedding, the day after graduation. She was a coper then and she’s a coper now, one of those strong people you want beside you in an emergency. She was never emotionally cold or unable to properly grieve. Just the opposite, she’s one of the most loving and emotionally healthy people I know. Like the young man profiled here in the wake of personal challenges she puts one foot in front of the other and continues down the path.
Mary, there are some very tough people in the world who can endure pain and overcome suffering. This guy would seem to be one of those people. All Barrons & others are doing is saluting him for his strength & courage & determination. No need to project flaws on him.
@MaryGJ “I’m not faulting the young man for coping any way he can. I’m faulting those who see his efforts as admirable and heroic…when he should be encouraged to save his own life by getting help addressing what happened, instead of running from it.”
How do you know he hasn’t grieved just because he hasn’t demonstrated that he should grieve the way you want him to? I lost a parent as a young child. Yes, I grieved. I talked about it with family and friends. I did not go into some deep depression in which I dwelt on it day after day, month after month, year after year. It sucked, but I am the type of person who needs the continuity of life’s day-to-day rituals to keep me sane in adversity. It sounds like he has a great support system and if he feels the need to talk to someone, he will. But, it is entirely possible that he has dealt with the tragedy in his own way.
Yes, there are many military personnel who return from war with PTSD. Some of them probably never had the mental toughness to deal with war in the first place and never should have gone. However, there are many more who fight the fight, witness atrocities, learn to deal with them, and go on to lead happy lives without any mental breakdowns. Some people are just more mentally tough than other people. The purpose of VMI is to create military leaders for our battlefields. Their grit that got them there in the first place, combined with their intense military training, creates a different mindset than that of an enlisted recruit straight out of high school.
Shaming anyone for how they grieve, unless they are hurting someone, is pretty despicable.
Some people grieve by putting their head down and plowing forward.
Others do it by curling up and shutting down.
Shaming the 2nd is part of why so many people don’t seek help and instead just internalize that they are weak and useless. And the notion that this type of grieving is an “excuse” is just not right.
I’d wager that almost none of us can put ourselves in this young man’s shoes. He is going on the way he feels is best for him. Good for him. But if he had done it another way, that would have been just fine as well.
Drew said that he did grieve but found he soon needed structure and a routine away from the mourning. This is an approach that has worked for others.
Joe Biden is a good example when he lost his first wife and infant daughter in a car accident a few days before Christmas in 1972. He threw himself back into work in order to cope. In fact he was sworn into the Senate at the bedside of his surviving son who was also injured in the car accident. He certainly coped quite well – his life did not fall apart later on because he didn’t grieve in a precise way dictated by others. He found his own way and it worked for him. He also continued serving as Vice President when his son Beau died.
There simply is no set formula – dealing with grief is a very personal thing and should be respected as such.
“dealing with grief is a very personal thing and should be respected” Agreed. But the article does not respect it…it exploits it for a false narrative.
OK, and the false narrative is what? That a military education can help some people and not destroy their humanity? That a religious Midwesterner could possibly graduate #1 at a school on the Atlantic coast? That adversity can make some people stronger rather than weaker?