<p>So here’s my situation. A very close friend invites several local couples to a holiday dinner. She writes “please BRING no gifts”. As a joke (but in love) a friend and I conspire to SHIP to her an inexpensive, holiday-themed gift. Expecting an admonishment - but also a laugh - instead I receive a dressing down (after the recipient waited several days to “cool down”). I was also informed that I may be placed in the same category as SIL who is no longer invited (I assume due to similar transgressions). Was I wrong to assume she’d laugh and be gracious? And I wrong to be insulted by her reaction?</p>
<p>If she didn’t want any gifts, I wouldn’t have sent a gift. Maybe she thought you were showing off.</p>
<p>A true gift is not an obligation or something for which the recipient outlines rules. I’m not sure what the joke was about. I think that is probably the bit that went off mark. and maybe there is a control issue at the heart of this.
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No need to be insulted. You thought your action would have one result and it had another. Take it as feedback and move on.</p>
<p>Well, I have brought flowers to people who have asked for “NO gifts please”, and they were always well received.</p>
<p>I have also received expensive gifts when I had specifically mentioned “GAG gifts only.” But I was never offended. I always thanked them graciously.</p>
<p>You say she’s a very close friend, so really, no reason for her to give you a dressing down. Wow. I mean, you mailed the gift, and did not arrive to her party with it, so that other guests did not feel like they should have brought something. So what’s the big deal. I don’t get her anger.</p>
<p>In any case, if she is a dear friend, I would send a note-card in the mail, saying that the gift was a small expression of thanks, in the spirit of the season, and if you had known that she would be that upset, you would never have sent it.</p>
<p>Send her a sincere note of apology. It’s not worth losing a friend over this, and if she has already banished her SIL then you could easily be voted off the island. The intensity of her reaction indicates that it’s a loaded issue on her end, for reasons that probably have nothing to do with you. She may have felt that you were making fun of her, or laughing about her/her request behind her back, especially if you and a friend were in on it together. She may have just wanted to get together and host her friends without the added layer of gifting. This was her party, she didn’t want gifts, and you accepted the invitation yet disregarded her request. I think she is the one to have dibs on being insulted.</p>
<p>i’m going to disagree with everyone else and go with the OP that she never should have been insulted in the first place. It’s not like they sent her the gift with a little note that said “Look how much better than you they are!”</p>
<p>It’s the holiday season…people want to give each other gifts; to express thanks, friendship, and just show that they care about each other. </p>
<p>OP, if you don’t feel you did anything wrong (which I’m guessing you don’t) I wouldn’t send an apology. I think she’s being overly-sensitive. Even if she does have other issues, it’s no reason for her to take them out on you. Doesn’t sound like too close of a “friend” for me.</p>
<p>And to digress a bit: who the heck doesn’t WANT gifts?</p>
<p>I agree with speckledegg. I cannot imagine how she would be insulted though, unless the holiday themed gift was embarrassing, or inappropriate (sending a religious item to someone of a different faith). It sounds really strange for her to need “to cool down”, and then admonish you. Also, does she feel that gifts/commercialism cheapens the meaning of the holidays? Since she said no gifts, this might be how she feels. Just another thought. If that is the issue, I would definitely send a note of apology, and hopefully, if she is reasonable, and spiritual, she will forgive such a transgression (jk regarding the transgression, but this might be how she views it).</p>
<p>No, you aren’t wrong. The only thing I can think of is - did you include some kind of note with the gift that made it clear that this was a joke, maybe even poking some fun? If so, maybe that’s where she took some offense. Still, it is your friend who acted inappropriately. Gifts are always meant to be given from the heart. There’s never any obligation to give (or not to give) a gift and the hostess was wrong to convey anger to you. I can’t believe that she threatened never to invite you again. Sounds like some friend.</p>
<p>Interesting situation. Many people, including myself, are getting on the “voluntary simplicity” bandwagon and trying to eliminate clutter and materialism from their lives. Is that possibly the case with the friend? While her reaction was overly strong, I can understand that she felt her goals and values, which she had clearly expressed, were being undermined. </p>
<p>I have communicated with family and friends that I am trying to minimize the whole gift aspect of the holiday season and appreciate those who respect that. I want to just focus on spending time with family and friends, decorating, music, and perhaps some special outings or entertaining. My kids are pretty grown and nobody in my household needs more “stuff.”</p>
<p>Just one perspective and I think she need not have threatened you with banishment as she did, but I can empathize with your friend’s frustration.</p>
<p>I agree with speckledegg.
Although you were trying to be nice and funny, clearly, you missed the mark, so send a sincere apology.</p>
<p>A follow-up to another’s comments: If someone says, “No gifts,” that also means " no flowers," which also are gifts. The people whom you gave flowers to were probably trying to be gracious by saying “thanks,” but probably would have preferred not to have gotten flower either particularly if there were others present who didn’t bring anything.</p>
<p>If I ask for “no gifts,” that’s really what I mean though I wouldn’t drop a friendship if someone gave me flowers or insisted n giving me a gift.</p>
<p>Whenever we have a bday party or any party we say NO GIFTS, but people bring them anyway and we accept them gratefully</p>
<p>To do otherwise is just mean and weird</p>
<p>and I get it, it said BRING no gifts, you didn’t bring one you sent it…the lady needs to get over herself</p>
<p>and if I was threatened with no more invites, I would say, GOOD, for anyone to treat a friend like that is so strange</p>
<p>and if the invite said no gifts and someone brought one, I don’t feel bad if I didn’t bring one</p>
<p>we are all grownups and need to lighten up for heavens sake</p>
<p>if you don’t like the flowers, give them to an elderly neighbor already</p>
<p>what, here is the apology</p>
<p>I am SOO sorry I offended you by not doing exactly as you demanded…</p>
<p>I took the whole thing as a joke - the invitation said do not BRING a gift, so as a joke, you SENT her something, didn’t bring it with you - a play on words. This woman obviously has no sense of humor, and I wouldn’t worry about it. Perhaps she was upset because it made her realize that her wording was not “No gifts” or, “your presence is the only gift we want.” If she writes you off for your joke as a play on her words, then it just isn’t worth it. I don’t need a friend with whom I have to walk around on eggshells. Friends can certainly have a disagreement, but to immediately threaten to write someone off without a proper discussion, this woman has control and perfection issues.</p>
<p>Well, I’d write the letter of apology, but if not accepted, I would put no more energy into this friendship. Frankly, it would not surprise me if you have some other weird run in with this person down the line. You might want to reevalutate whether you even want this friendship to continue.</p>
<p>well, sometimes people who do not want gifts, are just eliminating the clutter of unwanted items. I view flowers a little differently, they bloom, brighten the kitchen and after a week, they’re gone. I do a small bouquet, nothing extravagant to make the recipient feel awkward.</p>
<p>Actually, whenever I have been to someone’s home for dinner, there are instructions to bring no gifts. But everyone shows up with wine, flowers or dessert. </p>
<p>I think analyzing any gift is just wrong.</p>
<p>I don’t get banning a SIL over such a small transgression or threatening dear friends with the same treatment! A simple “I wish you had not done that” should have sufficed. But banishment? And, incidentally, how does she handle family get-togethers if SIL is not permitted to bask in the glow of her self-righteousness?
I’d personally not want such control freaks and ungracious people as close friends. Ban away!</p>
<p>I agree also with post #13, about the play on words.</p>
<p>Anyhow, I would not actually say “I’m sorry”, seriously, an apology???</p>
<p>I would rather say that my gift was not intended to offend, and that hopefully she would see it that way.</p>
<p>altmom, what a great joke you played. I would’ve laughed my head off. I don’t want to say anything negative about your friend, because there are always underlying reasons for someone to react so strongly, but my question is, you said she was a ‘very close friend’…didn’t you think she would take it the wrong way?</p>
<p>Here’s another take. A couple of years ago a SIL (who is no longer a SIL) was told “no gifts” at an event (by me) because of financial difficulties. She did it anyway and I flipped. However, she wasn’t being amusing or generous, she was one of those people who had to put on a show about everything. I would be very curious as to exactly what the friend is thinking. Perhaps something as simple as “if I make a request of you, you should not ignore my wishes as if I had never expressed them.” I love gifts, but if that was my perspective, I’d probably be peeved.</p>
<p>I do think the behavior is odd and it was a bit overboard for her to be upset…but, there are some possibilities. Is it possible you and your co-conspirator (;)) in giving the gift made the other guest or guests feel badly for not doing the same? Is it possible the hostess felt like she needed to thank you publicly at the party and it was an uncomfortable situation for her in front of her other guests? And I do understand zoosermom’s point about showing respect for the wishes of the hostess…that is also a possibility. Or that she felt more ‘zinged’ than ‘gifted’.</p>
<p>If this was all done privately, with all other guests unaware of your gesture, then I don’t see the problem. Your friend should set aside rules of etiquette to tend to the more important thing…the value of her friendship with you.</p>