<p>With friends like that who needs enemies? Sounds like she’s high maintenance to me.</p>
<p>Yikes, I wouldn’t want to be around a friend who gave me a ‘dressing down’ & threats for a misguided gift! </p>
<p>Lots of interpersonal stress = reduce contact w/the person! </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>they SENT the gift, so unless the hostess displayed it and told everyone it wouldn’t affect anyone else</p>
<p>and regardless, even IF she brought the present, we are all grownups and can choose to feel badly about someone else bringing a present or not</p>
<p>ldmom:</p>
<p>It was shipped, not brought. No way other guests could have felt embarrassed by an unseen gift.
A little annoyed? yes, I can see that. Banishing a good friend or SIL over a little joke? No.</p>
<p>I’m a much younger sibling who’s always been marginalized by the older, so I’m very sensitive to that and if I didn’t feel really close to the friend, I might feel the same way and want to know why he/she couldn’t respect my wishes. My feeling might be “I expressed my wishes to you clearly and in advance and that should be good enough, you don’t get to decide which of my wishes to ignore and which to respect.” However, if I really knew that the person was generally respectful, I’d accept it. I would have seen the humor and taken it as a joke, though.</p>
<p>Thanks to all who responded. I’ve been stewing over this for a while (note the hour it was written) and I appreciate seeing different perspectives on how this could have been perceived. It was meant as a gift from the heart as well as joke (the invite read don’t bring a gift - so we shipped it in advance) and I thought I knew her well enough that she’d get the joke (even if she was annoyed about not respecting her wishes).</p>
<p>I just didn’t anticipate the scolding. Oh well, moral of the story is you can’t predict how someone will interpret your humor.</p>
<p>Well, one of my criteria for friendship is a similar sense of humor. As is often said, you can’t choose your relatives (much less your in-laws) but you can choose your friends. Someone who got on his or her high horse over not having his or her wishes observed over something quite trivial would not last very long on my list of friends. It’s different if it’s the last in a series of transgressions; but this appeared to be a one-off.</p>
<p>Ditto. I agree with the above poster.</p>
<p>Good responses, everyone. I think the key concept here is that the OP stated that the hostess is a very close friend. How many years does it take to become very close friends with local couples, in a community in which our interactions over many years become interwoven as the kids’ activities evolve, volunteer work happens, neighbors move on, etc.? It takes a long time, and even close friends can be rare let alone very close friends. During the course of our friendships there can arise situations like this one. True, we can pick our friends and not our relatives, but often is simply not viable to banish someone when clearly there will be many community interactions to come. We can speculate about the reasons why the poster overreacted, including merely just chalking it up to her having a bad day and expressing her anger inappropriately. Instead of just thanking the OP for the gesture of the gift then (perhaps) letting the OP know she had crossed some sort of boundary, the hostess lit into the OP, threatened her with the loss of the friendship, and left her reeling. </p>
<p>The OP has learned something about the hostess, and can factor that into future interactions with her. However, short term, if the OP really considers the hostess to be a very close friend, the OP should just try to get past it for now. The apology I mentioned is not an apology for sending the gift, but an apology for inadvertently upsetting the hostess (someone she cares about) to such an extent. Hopefully, at some point the hostess will come to her senses and at some point in the future say something like, gee, I am so sorry I overreacted over that holiday gift you sent me, I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s not really about who is right and who is wrong here, it’s just about feelings.</p>
<p>Lots of us have teenaged kids and it can sometimes seem that our simplest wishes and requests are ignored or disrespected, or that we are unappreciated. This situation could feed into that dynamic. Add on college admissions stresses, holiday to-do lists, etc. and people get overwhelmed. Misinterpreting the gesture of a small gift is really not a huge issue in the grand scheme of things. My suggestion to the OP is to tell yourself not to dwell on this, it will pass, and that the friendship and the history with this person is worth more than making a big deal about this situation.</p>
<p>People can surprise you, even if you feel as if you know them well. I think I understand the intended humor, but perhaps the person is sensitive about being disrespected, or sensitive about being considered nit-picky or bossy, or sensitive about being considered “overly sensitive,” or is simply in the middle of something super-stressful at home and can’t contain herself any longer. Friendship is not black and white, there are a lot of gray areas. What is that saying, something like love is being a little blind and a little deaf, and ever aware that our love is greater than our differences.</p>
<p>Agree with spec.</p>
<p>The OP obviously values this friendship, hence her concern and her posted question.</p>
<p>So, IMO, we’re not helping her much by telling her to let the friendhip go. I think I’d call or write to say something to to the effect of, “We meant it as a friendly joke and didn’t realize that it might not come across that way! We certainly never meant any disrespect or thought that we might cause offense. Please excuse our clumsimess and know that this was done out of affection.”</p>
<p>i don’t know, sometimes its an event just like this that shows someones true colors, so an apology is fine, but maybe its time to see this “friend” the way she really is- controlling, bossy and mean</p>
<p>I think that whatever the OP decides to do will depend on how much she values the friendship. I would certainly make amends if I really wanted to keep the person as a friend. I agree with mafool’s response-I would call, not write.</p>
<p>I would call too and sincerely apologize. Hopefully, the friend will explain why she is so upset. Perhaps this is a question of not knowing what you don’t know and she might say something that will make you say “oh, now I get it.”</p>
<p>If something like this happened between me and a very close friend, the first thing I’d want to do is to have a heart to heart talk about it. I would apologize for unintentionally offending, but not for sending what amounts to a hostess gift. I agree that one should never just trash a friendship over something that may be a simple miscommunication, a bad day or stressful week, or even if it’s more than that and the friend is upset with you about other things and lashed out at you because of this event. </p>
<p>PS Any reaction other than a gracious thank you for a gift given with good intentions is always out of line. However, if you value the relationship, I might avoid quoting from books of etiquette - she might throw them at you!!</p>
<p>Did you make it clear that the joke was that you were sending a present not bringing one? I can’t imagine that a real friend would be too offended if she understood the spirit with which it was given. I’d also tell her if it makes her uncomfortable to just pass it on - I’m sure there are lots of organizations that are looking for gifts at this time of year.</p>
<p>There’s some stuff going on with the friend that goes way beyond someone giving her a gift. Scolding a good friend for that is weird - threatening banishment is weirder and banishing the SIL may be the weirdest thing of all. Giving a gift is at the pleasure of the giver - it is gracious to express that no gift is necessary but ordering someone not to give a gift and then scolding them afterward is just plain inappropriate. This woman has no understanding of what giving a gift is all about - it’s not just about her.</p>
<p>marite - I noticed the gift was sent in the original and subsequent post…that one didn’t get by me. 
And I assumed delivery was prior to the function. But that doesn’t mean other guests did not become aware of the gift.</p>
<p>Nevertheless, I agree…seems like overreaction to me. Maybe she was just stressed with the details of entertaining. I’d reach out and hopefully all will be ‘bygones’. I certainly wouldn’t toss a friendship because of two minor mistakes by both parties (sending the gift and responding poorly to good intentions). Work it out.</p>
<p>Some of you are so forgiving. I do not respond kindly to threats. No matter how stressed the recipient was, threatening banishment for a minor offense–if offense was even committed–was way out of line. Only the Queen is allowed to say “Off with her head!” I’d really think twice about the value of such a friendship. I would not want to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells, afraid of offending her majesty.</p>
<p>Maybe her hormones were challeged during that time.</p>