Another link (with original plea from mom): http://www.ptbocanada.com/journal/2015/3/20/no-one-rsvp-ed-for-this-13-year-olds-birthday-so-lets-make-him-feel-loved
It’s also on the front page of reddit with ongoing updates and pictures.
Also, an anonymous person from reddit called the bowling alley and bought Odin and his mom a whole night of bowling.
With all the other headlines, I do my best to remind people that there is good in the world (and it is my personal belief that there is, and likely always will be, much more good than bad in the world)
This one definitely hits home. I am very glad that this boy was able to have a great birthday, and maybe some kids at his school will have a little more understanding and compassion.
I am so happy that my kid didn’t have to experience this, and went to schools with generous, eccentric, and compassionate schoolmates, with no bullying. And now he has all the confidence in the world. Teenagers can be so cruel and uncaring, but some of them are wonderful.
@busdriver11 - You were very lucky. I can name a few communities (including my own) in which it would not be too difficult to find an ASD fifth grader, academically on level or even way above, who was never invited to a classmate’s birthday party, or for a play date, and whose attempts to invite others have not met with success. Parents have set up a special education parents group that invites speakers and organizes social events for families, and this has filled some of the void in the past several years, particularly among this group that is too high-functioning for any of the segregated special education classes or schools.
Educators and professionals often suggest that children who are bullied and excluded need to extend invitations to others more frequently, or throw a party for an entire class, or that exclusion of this type “builds character.” Parents I know are reluctant to expose their children to potential social humiliation of this nature.The most fortunate parents have their own fund of social capital that extends to children, sometimes as an extended family and sometimes as a network of friends, even in the face of a stigmatizing diagnosis.
A couple of decades ago, a number of private schools in our area used to boast an accepting atmosphere for smart, quirky or eccentric students who might be bullied in the public schools.Around fifteen or twenty years ago, however, almost all began to routinely reject applications from students who had ever been diagnosed with an ASD or sometimes, ADHD, and to advise families to take their students to the public schools if diagnosed after matriculation.I am aware of situations in which a student has been sent packing upon diagnosis as late as junior or senior year of high school.
@romani -
It is good to hear that this young man will experience a good birthday, at least this year.It is exciting to hear of all the celebrities who have pitched in, and unusual to see that the family is not rolling over and playing dead in response to this type of humiliating situation.I wonder how much if any of the magic of the birthday will last for long after the celebration, though.
Do you think that this will shame others into including this young teen in their social activities?Do you think that next year, his mother will not have to approach social media to garner birthday wishes, or that next year’s birthday wishes will come from peers and not from strangers who know little more about him other than he is attractive and on the spectrum, and has been bullied?Do you think that children who are excluded because their social approaches to others seem odd face challenges that are substantially different from others who are excluded because they are not part of the dominant ethnic group or SES status?
In our community, the bar/bat mitzvah celebrations are a big deal in seventh grade or thereabouts, and invitations are coveted even among families who are not Jewish.Students who receive few (or no)invitations can have a miserable year. I was very happy when frazzled kids passed that age, and came to greatly envy the Orthodox shuls where it is customary to throw a party for the entire community, with a general announcement and no private invitations sent.
Frazzled, I honestly don’t know the answer to any of these questions. I just thought it was a nice story.
I have told the story before about my bullying in my K-8 Catholic school. No one came to my parties unless their parents made them, I was the only one not invited to parties in my grade, etc. I was not on the spectrum (AFAIK) but I had other characteristics that apparently made me a social piranha. Even at my 21st birthday, no one was there besides my partner (though two friends showed up much later from the other side of the state but that’s a whole other story).
I wish no one was excluded, obviously. In my perfect world, everyone gets along and no one is an ***hole. But I live in this real world and take what good stories I can get.
ETA: Side note, it is almost certainly due to my social exclusion that I’ve grown so attached to my animals (and all animals). They love you no matter what…
This is a nice story. I tried to have celebrations for my kids with their friends for their birthday, even though non family celebrations was not my experience.
I don’t know about H, but I expect his birthday celebrations were also limited to family.
“A couple of decades ago, a number of private schools in our area used to boast an accepting atmosphere for smart, quirky or eccentric students who might be bullied in the public schools”
I fully believe that the kids who are fortunate to be placed in an accepting and supportive environment like that, can grow up to be the ones that rule the world. Their lives can turn out so good…or so bad.
I like this story … thank you for sharing it.
I have been thinking a lot about lately about social exclusion. I moved the summer before 9th grade, and I never felt as if I belonged … ever … in high school. Yes, I did have some friends, but each of them was a member of a “group” that I was never quite part of. I happened to go to the same high school Madonna attended, and our time overlapped for a year. She recently commented on how she would never consider returning to her hometown. Others from my high school have echoed similar sentiments on social media, all saying the people are “provincial.” What boggles my mind is that Madonna was a cheerleader, and she was a member of Thespian Society who was known as a very talented young woman. The others were all valued members of one group or another. And here I am … remembering feeling so very alone and misunderstood. They all fit in … I never did …
So I wonder what it all means. Did they feel like I did?
I want the same perfect world Romani wants.
I love this news story!
The 15 kids who dis’d Odin are looking like the biggest jerks .
How do you know the kids “dissed” him? How do you know if they didn’t answer (which is what didn’t RSVP should mean" or if they said no (perhaps they actually had reasons)? How do you know if they are not on the spectrum too? Or if the kid has some negative behaviors and the parents are afraid to expose their kids to it (like my nephew on the spectrum who takes his clothes off randomly, and he is 20 years old)?
And also, if you are not friends with someone at school or after school, why should you attend their party?
My son is on the spectrum, and he gets along with kids but I doubt any would attend a party for him except his one friend who is also on the spectrum.
This is shaming people into “behaving well”. And acting like a bunch of other 13 year olds are evil in some way because they didn’t attend a party.
It is great that people are “chipping in” to give him a wonderful and memorable birthday. But it doesn’t mean there is some kind of conspiracy out there.
I have to hand it to the mom to publicize her son’s phone number though - I hope she doesn’t have to change it.
@rhandco - I also think that the article was very short on information. We can project all we want, but all we know is that he is somewhere “on the spectrum” and that he really wanted a birthday party. We know nothing about the people on his invitation list and why they did not RSVP. We also know that he was happy to have his party, and plenty of strangers, including many with high social status, were happy to pitch in.
I also hope the mother does not have to change her number, and that the publicity does not come back to haunt the young man and his family in years to come in any kind of unpleasant manner. Perhaps my raising questions is in and of itself unpleasant.
In the ideal scenario, one or more of the well-wishers will discover that they have interests in common and a friendship will develop. OTOH, attention spans tend to be short for this sort of thing.
Or, that communities and professionals will better understand or empathize with the loneliness of ASD individuals (and families)who want to be part of typical community celebrations.
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This is shaming people into “behaving well”
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and I’m all for that.
There was a time when people knew how to “behave well”. that meant if someone asked you to dance at a school dance, you danced that dance. BTW…both of my boys knew that if a girl asked them to dance at a dance they were to say yes…never say no. Maybe that’s why they danced every dance (of course, they did the asking as well).
If my boys got an invite to a party, they went unless they had a serious conflict.
I’m not for shaming people into behaving well. One of the worst things on this planet is the people who are altruists and make sure that everyone knows it; a tie is for altruists who pick a cause and insist everyone else must support that cause or something is wrong with them. One of the best things on the planet is like the person who anonymously paid for the bowling alley reservation for the family - they did not want personal recognition, they wanted the kid to be happy and NOT put in the blurb for themselves.
“never saying no” mentality means that you are forced to have no choice. For example, I am not going to encourage my son to participate in something that makes him uncomfortable, so if he is invited to a party and doesn’t want to go, I am fine with him not going. His life is not worth making choices that hurt him, even if there is some perceived “hurt” in the other direction.
Selfishness is key - if it makes you happy to see someone else happy, that is one thing. However, if it makes you happy to be thought of as someone who makes others happy, that is another and that is my opinion on “stars” tweeting and so on - they are serving themselves by making a public spectacle of their “kind acts”. The mother, I don’t have an issue with that, it’s her son and she has a right to help him publicly if she wants (even if posting the phone number wasn’t wise).
(this also relates to people who are famous and aren’t "involved’ publicly in causes that others think are necessary - like an African-American movie star who just wants to live their life and not go out and preach about race and equality, or a female executive who doesn’t want to go around encouraging girls to “break the mold”. What is wrong with someone contributing in their own way? How many times do we find out after someone passes all the good they did but they did NOT want publicity for it? Or someone who seems to do so much good in the public eye, but beats his kids or cheats on her husband?)
I hope the best for this boy and his future.
And here I just thought this was a sweet story.
I’m all for shaming people into being decent human beings. My parents did it to me when I acted like a brat and I’m better for it.
Btw the person who “anonymously” paid for the bowling posted about it on reddit and received all sorts of praise. He didn’t quietly do it with no recognition.
Well, I don’t mind if he posted the gift of bowling on Reddit. It may motivate some person in the future to “step up”.
I agree with Romani that some “shaming” bad behavior teaches better behavior.
When my young son grabbed a candy bar in the store and opened it, I made him give the money to the manager, and then I made him throw the candy away. Was son shamed? yep! Did he ever try that again? nope.
I liked it when the company my dad worked for made it extremely uncomfortable to folks who cheated on spouses with other employees. Both participants typically left the company soon after…and this served to help keep others in line.
You gotta be careful with that shaming of people, it doesn’t always work as you suspect. I’m fine with a parent making a private choice for their child, but random strangers choosing to shame people when they don’t know the details? Creepy. I feel certain that many kids who are on the spectrum have had the experience of being shamed by people who think they should act in a way more appropriate to the social norm. Who are we to sit judge and jury when we don’t know the details? Some kids on the spectrum are bullies, unkind, badly behaved, not everyone realizes what their issues are. Perhaps he dumped all the invites in the trash and never gave them out. As his mother, I would have started emailing parents, first.
You really don’t know about people.
haha, romani - it is hard to venture into the autism world without encountering numerous opinionated stakeholders.
And, surely, many of us have felt the effects of social exclusion while growing up and even as adults, or watched with great pain as our children have struggled with this.
fwiw, this seems to be an ongoing story, and more details are coming out. From what I am piecing together, the mother realized when nobody RSVP’d that the party was scheduled during a school break when lots of students would be on vacation and just asked a few of her friends to send him texts so he wouldn’t feel so lonely, never imagining that this would go viral. This would make sense to me - I myself was sort of wondering if the timing of the party had not been good.
Also, this young man seems to have mentioned in an interview that until now, few knew that he had Asperger’s.
However, he now has a platform that he can use to address the issues of social exclusion stemming from ASD’s,as well as a fund to work with from birthday contributions, and it should be interesting to see how he uses this.
Maybe. However, some parents such as a few of older college classmates and a couple of former colleagues went to the other extreme of never correcting/shaming their children’s wayward behavior in such areas.
They had major adjustment issues once they entered the adult world in both professional and social areas. And I’m talking serious issues ranging from being ostracized by former longtime friends/social networks/family to getting fired from nearly every job for “bad attitude”* and egregious socially unacceptable behavior. While shaming may not work, it is effective enough with most that they don’t end up in their early-mid '40s nearly/completely friendless and having serious problems landing a job due to spotty job history and what background checks uncovered about behaviors/attitudes in previous jobs which got them canned.
- Being unreasonably argumentative and assuming the world revolves solely around their needs/desires even in the workplace where their job was to assist more senior colleagues/supervisor.
I don’t know…because I received an invite, it’s a good venue to make new friends especially the host who invited me, social fun, and FREE FOOD! 
@busdriver I understand what you mean. I’m not talking about extreme stuff.
Just saying–the last thing my ASD kid would ever want is a big birthday party. Especially one crowded with strangers. People shouldn’t force what they think is normal or fun for a kid on a kid who doesn’t want it/doesn’t fit in with it. Just because all the other kids have parties doesn’t mean you aren’t a good parent because you don’t throw one for your kid. I see that in this case a lot of kids were on vacation (this happens with vacation time birthdays everywhere, every year). What about re-scheduling? But if the kid is antisocial or has no friends (not assuming that is the case here), imo, it is sort of clueless for a mom not to know that, and to make matters worse by trying to throw a party that nobody wants to come to. It might be sad for a 5 year old, but for a 13yo? I’m not sure how I feel about it.