<p>You all hail from lots of places so fill me in. Tell me about the norms you know regarding introductions.</p>
<p>I just met the mother of a school friend of my D. The girls have been friends awhile, they each know the others’ families (going to each others houses) but since they live far away, us parents have never met. </p>
<p>I finally got a chance to briefly meet the friend’s mother. I approach, extend my hand, and say “Hi, I’m D’s mom, Catherine. So nice to meet you”. Mom of D says, “oh yes, hello, I’m Dr. Smith”. </p>
<p>I was a bit taken aback. I too could have used my title, “Hi, I’m Dr. Starbright”, but it would never occur to me to introduce myself in a social context that way. And given I introduced myself first with my first name, isn’t it a bit odd for someone to come back with a title? And now I guess I’m stuck calling her Dr. going forward, huh? Seems strange to me. </p>
<p>Then again I know there are different regional and cultural norms around these kinds of things. Thoughts?</p>
<p>I’ve never encountered the situation you had. Most people in a situation where they’re the kids’ parent intro themselves with either their first name or first+last and leave any ‘titles’ off of it. </p>
<p>I’d be tempted to just call her “D’s mom” from now on.</p>
<p>I’m with you in that I hate it when adults introduce themselves by using their title and last name. It sounds pretentious and condescending. It particularly seems inappropriate when one person already has introduced themselves by their first name, no title.</p>
<p>Frankly, my thoughts are that when I’ve introduced myself as “Janie”, Bobby’s mom" and the other person introduces herself as “Dr. Johnson”, I don’t need to spend time with Dr. Johnson.</p>
<p>The people whom I most enjoy being with are those people who introduce themselves by first names, no titles. I’m in some organizations that have many people who have doctorates (as I do), but who never introduce themselves by saying “Dr.” </p>
<p>My favorite of the organizations I’m in is a community theater that welcomes everyone. We have hairdressers, yard workers, a veterinarian, college professors, students, etc., and everyone – including the students – is on first name basis. People only rarely talk about what they do outside of the theater. People are valued for what they bring to the theater – creativity, talent, hard work – not for their titles in the “real world.”</p>
<p>Being from the South, we endeavored to teach our children to refer to adults as Mr. and Mrs. The tricky part was wondering if we should introduce ourselves to other children as “Mrs. Jones”. Turns out that’s incorrect, even with children. Instead, you should say, “I’m Mary Jones” and the well brought-up Southern child will reply, “Hello, Mrs. Jones”. (No, that didn’t ever happen!)</p>
<p>When I was a child living in the south every female was addressed as Miss “firstname” unless known to be married and then was Mam. Men were Mr “firstname” and doctors Doc “firstname”. I actually didn’t realize people had surnames until we moved north. </p>
<p>Nowadays if someone is introduced to me as Doctor____ I call them Doc until I learn their first name and then use that until they become a friend or avoid me… I’ve only managed to acquire three friends who are doctors…</p>
<p>I’ve met a few people who have been introduced to me as " Dr".</p>
<p>Invariably, everyone else in the room is using their first name or full name for introductions , no honorific, unless they happen to be 87 years old, so the " Dr." request is noticable.
No problem, I try and call people what they want to be called.</p>
<p>However- I am bemused that the " Dr." is * never* a medical Dr., but has gotten a Ph.d from an out of state school that no one is familiar with.</p>
<p>That’s fine- except that they are going to eventually realize that more people in this area have Ph.ds than you can shake a stick at- from places like HYP & the only thing anybody cares about is do you walk your talk?</p>
<p>Yes it is odd and inappropriate. Anything is possible, though, and I wouldn’t be too quick to judge her based on a brief meeting and a single “sound bite” as it were. Perhaps she is just so used to introducing herself this way professionally that this is just what came out of her mouth automatically- no disrespect to you intended. If you call her Dr. Doe next time and she tells you to call her Jane, you’ll know that she meant nothing by it.</p>
<p>One of my piano students was usually accompanied by her mother. One day her father came instead. I said, “Hi, I’m binx.” And he said, “I’m Mr. Smith.” Since it was a “professional” relationship rather than a social one, I figured okay, but it still felt odd to have my first name intro met with a formal one. </p>
<p>But since then, he’s come to calling himself by his first name. He’s also a teacher, so I wonder if perhaps he was just used to introducing himself as Mr.</p>
<p>Don’t read too much into it. However, if you ever have something similar happen, come back with “Well then, I’m Ms. (or Mrs. depending on your preference) Jones.”</p>
<p>My family is from New England. In my family’s social circles, the odler members view calling someone by their first name as something that you ONLY do after you have become friends. It’s sort of like the difference between the formal and informal “you” in some languages. </p>
<p>I think you are jumping to conclusions when you assume that the woman did this because she is a Dr. It may be that she would have done it even if she didn’t have a title. She just isn’t comfortable with having someone she doesn’t know well call her by her first name. In my own neighborhood, we have many foreign residents and MANY of them dislike the use of their first names by strangers. </p>
<p>So, I would address her as Dr., but correct her if she calls you by your first name. You may find though that she will also call you by your surname.</p>
<p>Thanks, Timely, for the link to Miss Manners. While I didn’t find reference to the exact circumstance presented, MM does point out that “respect has to do with respecting the wishes of others”. Perhaps the simplest solution is to clarify by responding, “should I call you Dr. Smith?” </p>
<p>I’m actually a bit perturbed when those who insist on using titles use incorrect titles even when they have been instructed as to the correct title to use. Northstarmom, I’d like to get your take on this: Your new friend Mary, who calls you Louise and knows you have a PhD, has arrived at your home with her children and she introduces them to you saying, “children, this is Mrs. (or Ms. or Miss, but not Dr.) Northstar.” What do you say?</p>
<p>* new friend Mary, who calls you Louise and knows you have a PhD, has arrived at your home with her children and she introduces them to you saying, “children, this is Mrs. (or Ms. or Miss, but not Dr.) Northstar.” What do you say?*</p>
<p>If you have told your friend, that you would like to be called Dr. by the children, then all you have to do is say that you would rather be called Dr. or whatever you prefer to be called.</p>
<p>My kids friends called me by my first name, as that was more comfortable to me
( older D has never attended a school including college where adults used a honorific, younger D attended a high school where they went by Mr or Miss, but often combined with first name, instead of last,like Miss Jenny, the science teachers went by an abbreviated version of their last name like a nickname- “Mack” instead of Mr. McNaughton-), although they do have some friends who were raised more formally and can’t break the habit of calling me Mrs. Emeraldkity.</p>
<p>"ew friend Mary, who calls you Louise and knows you have a PhD, has arrived at your home with her children and she introduces them to you saying, “children, this is Mrs. (or Ms. or Miss, but not Dr.) Northstar.” What do you say?</p>
<p>If you have told your friend, that you would like to be called Dr. by the children, then all you have to do is say that you would rather be called Dr. or whatever you prefer to be called."</p>
<p>If it mattered to me, I’d say, “I perfer to be called ‘Dr. Northstar’”</p>
<p>In reality, reflecting my Quaker and Buddhist experiences, I let kids call me by my first name, no title, unless their parents prefer their kids use a title. Then the kids usually call me “Mrs. Last name” Doesn’t matter to me.</p>
<p>The older I get, the more I appreciate the way Quakers, Buddhists, and Native Americans use first names across age groups. I like the way doing this reflects the equal humanity inherent in people of all age groups. I’ve had no problems getting appropriate respect from kids even when they call me by my first name.</p>
<p>When I’m in adult groups where everyone uses last names, I prefer “Dr. Northstar”. In reality, I prefer gorups in which titles aren’t important. I’ve found that the higher people rise, and the more comfortable they are with themselves, the less important are titles. Those are the folks whom I love to be with – those who don’t cling to their titles out of insecurity or in order to lord over others.</p>
<p>I call a few of my friends’ parents by their first names…however, these are only the parents who I know VERY well and have been friends with their kids for a loooong time.</p>
<p>Then there are the parents who I could call by first name, but I have no idea what it is, so I just say “Mrs.” or “Mr.” __<strong><em>. Most of them will respond “Call me _</em></strong>.”</p>
<p>I know where I grew up, almost everyone used first names. Even kids to parents. Although my sister, brother and I were taught to use Mr. and Mrs. for parents until instructed otherwise.</p>
<p>Thanks for all your responses so far- I love them.</p>
<p>I personally am a first name kind of person, but also wondered if it is more typical maybe where we live. </p>
<p>I have never encountered this with an adult before. It’s another matter with kids, given the different rules in families (I love the idea of presenting one’s full name and letting their family norms dictate their choice). My D’s friends ahve always called me Catherine, but I had one friend of D who always called me “Mrs. Catherine” and I found it endearing. </p>
<p>The only thing that I’ve ever felt slightly annoyed about names (I mean slightly, not like I really care), is when students call me “Mrs. Starbright” rather than Prof Starbright, or Dr. Starbright or simply Catherine (which is my most preferred). And the only reason it bugs me is because my husband, also a professor, and my male professor friends NEVER get erroneously referred to as Mr. If they want to call us all Mr. and Mrs. I’m fine with that too, but there seems to be a gender issue here.</p>
<p>Is she American?- if she is from another culture, that may play into it. For example, the Germans love their titles and use them, a doctor isn’t just addressed Dr., it’s Herr Doctor (or Frau Doctor).</p>
<p>More importantly, was she friendly - if she was, I’d leave it at that.</p>
<p>One would think…but it hasn’t worked. I’ve given up and instead try not to be annoyed–and it mostly works.</p>
<p>As Northstar says, I would prefer first names…and have said so with a follow-up of “but if it’s more comfortable for you, you may call us Dr. and Mrs. Smith.” Doesn’t matter. It’s Mr. and Mrs. and ever shall be. Whatever. I just wondered how others handle it. These same kids answer the phone, “Jones residence, who’s calling please?”, which bugs me because it assumes I’m so rude that I wouldn’t identify myself if I were not asked…and they use as a salutation on thank you notes (I know, at least they send them…I’m just venting now. :o), “Dear The Joneses”. Okay. I get it…they want to be formal or proper or something. Fine. But how about also being correct? </p>
<p>Oh…and while I’m venting, does anyone else know of anyone who uses “verse” (some conjured version of “versus”) as a verb?..as in, “Bobby’s soccer team is versing Jimmy’s soccer team.” Ugh! </p>
<p>OK. Done. Thanks for “listening” or ignoring. :D</p>
<p>I had an Aunt that suggested I just call her Margaret instead of Aunt Margaret. I told her that I really liked calling her Aunt M. because to me it emphasized the family connection rather than the generational divide. She didn’t insist.</p>
<p>Most of my kids friends avoid calling me anything. A few call me by my first name. Some call me Mrs. Husband’s Last Name, which I sometimes correct and mostly just ignore.</p>
<p>" And the only reason it bugs me is because my husband, also a professor, and my male professor friends NEVER get erroneously referred to as Mr. "</p>
<p>I hear you. My H and I used to teach in the same department. I have a doctorate; he doesn’t. The students constantly would call me me “Ms.x” or “Prof .x” while calling H “Dr.” (something he’d repeatedly correct them about".
Interesting world…</p>
(No, that didn’t ever happen!)</p>