<p>I never understood the “don’t make eye contact” advice when confronted with a potential agressor on the subway.<br>
I rode the NYC subways all through HS, college and work. (Nothing like a Catholic school girl uniform to bring out the grossness of some men.) Anyhow, although I saw many things I’d rather not, I developed a really baddass stare-down. Worked like a charm.</p>
<p>PS Donna - Did he see you this AM??</p>
<p>I would be more bothered by the “I’ll see you tomorrow” comment. That’s creepy and makes me wonder if he has been stalking you. Coincidence that he got off at your stop, or not?</p>
<p>I don’t like it. </p>
<p>Oh, and I would have reacted just like you did. It would have been such a shock that it would have paralyzed me. But I would be ready for him the next time.</p>
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<p>I do the same. When I carry an umbrella, I hold it like it is a police baton. It really helps to deter panhandlers and all sorts of solicitors for questionable charities when I have to push my way through the downtown crowds to get to my bus stop. I’m lucky that on the bus I take home I rarely see an unfamiliar face.</p>
<p>Donna - how was your commute today? Did you see the creep?</p>
<p>Thanks so much, all of you, for all the wonderful advice. I’m going to have to practice a withering stare in the mirror, along with some stern reproofs! </p>
<p>When I got on my second train this morning (that’s where he was yesterday), I did look around for the guy. But, fortunately, he wasn’t there. I thought the “I’ll see you tomorrow” comment was creepy, too.</p>
<p>I’m still kind of annoyed with myself for not only sitting there and not saying anything to him, even after the second time he started on my shoulder, but for responding politely when he said something about the weather. I probably encouraged him by doing so. But it was all so unexpected, as I said. And because it was just my shoulder, I kept wondering if maybe somehow it was all entirely innocent, and he was just a little strange, and didn’t mean anything by it. Especially because I’m in my 50’s. I may look young for my age, but I don’t look 25 or 35, and although I realize intellectually that that doesn’t necessarily preclude something like this, it still usually affords me a certain amount of immunity from the harassment that friends of mine who are younger get all the time. (As one friend of mine who transitioned in her early 20’s and is very attractive told me, getting attention from men in the street was fun and validating for about a day. It didn’t take her long to get over the novelty.) </p>
<p>Plus, it’s hard to get over my instincts to be polite and not make a fuss, and to worry that if I react it might be an overreaction. </p>
<p>I’m also well aware of how small I am, and of the physical size and power differential between myself and men. (Speaking generally.)</p>
<p>But you’re all absolutely right. He had no business doing that, and there’s no reason why I should have felt compelled to be polite, let alone just sit there and put up with it.</p>
<p>I will be prepared if anything like that happens again, though. Of course, I should have been prepared yesterday. This wasn’t the first time something similar has happened, after all. But every time, I’ve done nothing but freeze in embarrassment. Like the time a year or two ago that I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant waiting for a takeout order, and a guy stood directly in front of me and wagged his weenie at me (at the level of my face), through his pants. Or the time I was at a club with some friends, the very first time I went out in public as “myself” seven years ago, and a guy actually grabbed my face and held it in his hand, and started telling me what he’d like to do to me. Ew. But I just stood there like a scared rabbit, until he let go.</p>
<p>Of course, I didn’t say anything, and didn’t tell my mother, when I was repeatedly sexually molested by a doctor over a period of years beginning when I was 12 or 13. I still feel stupid about that – as embarrassed as I was, I kept telling myself that he was a doctor (not just any doctor, but a prominent specialist, and a tall patrician-looking man in a white coat to boot), and must have had a good reason for telling me to do the things he did, for taking naked pictures of me, etc. (My mother afterwards: what took you so long in there? Me: Nothing. He was just examining me.) In fact, I spent decades trying to convince myself that nothing bad had happened, and that it didn’t matter anyway because I wasn’t traumatized by the experience. Until I told the whole story to a friend who had worked as a prosecutor, who said it was very obvious that I’d been abused. And pointed out to me what should have been equally obvious – that it wasn’t a coincidence that for almost 40 years after this happened, I had pretty severe panic attacks in advance of every single doctor’s appointment that I knew would involve taking my clothes off. </p>
<p>Sorry to digress; there’s no real connection with what happened yesterday, and I don’t want to make a bigger deal of what happened when I was a child than it warrants. My point is simply that given past experience, I should know better than to freeze when something like this happens. I think I just have to be mentally prepared in advance to react if anything similar ever happens again.</p>
<p>"it’s hard to get over my instincts to be polite and not make a fuss, and to worry that if I react it might be an overreaction. "</p>
<p>This is how women are socialized to behave in our society. It is extremely hard to break free of that conditioning.</p>
<p>Were you different in this respect before you became a woman?</p>
<p>No, NSM, the way I am is the way I’ve always been. I guess I was brought up to be that way, even though I wasn’t raised female. Maybe always having been so small, always in the bottom 1% of guys in height/weight and always the smallest in every class and every job, had something to do with having those insecurities and being self-effacing, too. And I’m sure that always having known I was “different” in the way I was different had a great deal to do with it as well. (I was never one for overcompensating, unlike the many trans women who tried to prove they were “normal” by going into traditionally masculine fields, joining the military, etc. I did get married and have a child, of course, and I know that wanting to make and/or prove myself “normal” was part of my motivation, although there was no overcompensation involved in my being attracted to women or wanting to be a parent.)</p>
<p>In any event, I didn’t see much point to transitioning if it meant significantly changing who I am, how I act or interact, how I talk, etc. – anything much beyond the superficial aspects of appearance, really. Way too much work! (I was very lucky that I didn’t need voice lessons; my voice never really changed that much at puberty and I spent decades as an adult being called “ma’am” on the phone, including being mistaken for my own secretary, and, on occasion, being accused of impersonating myself!)</p>
<p>By the way, in case anyone else was wondering (since someone asked me this privately), no, I have no reason whatsoever to believe that the man in question singled me out for his attentions because he somehow realized that I’m a woman with an unusual history. In fact, so far as I know, nothing like that has ever happened. The one time I thought it did was a couple of years ago, when an apparently intoxicated woman loudly accosted me on the subway by saying, “I know what you are! I know what you are!!” After my heart sank to my shoes at the thought that I was about to be outed in front of a subway car full of now-extremely interested onlookers, she said “You’re a Jew, aren’t you? That’s what you are!”</p>
<p>"No, NSM, the way I am is the way I’ve always been. I guess I was brought up to be that way, even though I wasn’t raised female. Maybe always having been so small, always in the bottom 1% of guys in height/weight and always the smallest in every class and every job, had something to do with having those insecurities and being self-effacing, too. "</p>
<p>Interesting. I have a friend who is a trangender female who transitioned in her late 40s, and she has the build of a linebacker. She takes up space in a traditional male way (Men feel more comfortable spreading out and taking up all available space), and also is assertive in a more male way. Maybe men with small body builds are socialized to act in some ways similar to how women are socialized to act.</p>
<p>I knew an attractive young woman once who sometimes had trouble at bus stops. She perfected a technique where, if a man was making advances, she would start scratching herself and acting like she had a horribly contagious skin disease. It seemed to do the trick.</p>
<p>Once, a friend of mine in college was minding her own business working in the library when a guy walked by and reached down and touched her breast. Without missing a beat, she stood up and pointed at him and very loudly (it was a library) yelled, “That man is a pervert.”</p>
<p>DonnaL, I met you before I knew you were transgender. I thought you had interesting features, but it never occured to me that you hadn’t always been female. </p>
<p>I hate to admit this, but I kind of missed getting whistled at in Italy. I knew I was getting old!</p>
<p>My Dad once pinched my bottom when we were out in public. (I can’t imagine what possessed him as this was very uncharacteristic of him.) Without even looking to see who it was I whacked him with my umbrella. I daresay he never did that again!</p>
<p>Uh-oh. “Interesting features!” I’m not sure I like that!</p>
<p>Donna, I’m sort of laughing – not at you, but just at the fact that, in my experience, something like this has happened to all women at one point or another. I remember when I was 15 years old, in NYC with some close friends all alone – no parents! – on a very crowded elevator in Bonwit Teller, for Pete’s sake, when some man put his hand on my breast and kept it there the whole ride up. I said nothing. Why in the world didn’t I say anything? Why in the world was I feeling embarrassed? I didn’t do anything wrong! But I was definitely socialized to be polite and not make trouble.</p>
<p>Honestly – and this is kind of a depressing admission – I’d probably be somewhat flattered, at this point in my life, if an unfamiliar man seemed halfway interested.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t be. Yes, I want to be attractive, but if some guy – seeing my wedding ring – came on to me, I’d think there was something weird about him. Not because he found me attractive, but because I give off absolutely no vibes that I am available.</p>
<p>Women “of a certain age” who miss being treated by men like you are alluring need to go to France. Women of all ages are appreciated there. Sigh…</p>
<p>Or Italy. Obviously there is a big difference between a hand on a shoulder and some of the other incidents described on this thread. I’m not condoning bad behavior. This guy pushed the envelope a bit but in some cultures it would not be pushing the envelope. I guess I see it a bit like being carded well into your twenties or early thirties. It’s a bit of a thrill to get carded when you feel you are long past 21 and each time it happens you know it might be the last time.</p>
<p>What’s delightful about the men in France is that the flirt in very respectful way, signifying your attractiveness by the expression in their eyes and voice. They don’t touch you or say anything improper.</p>
<p>Since someone brought up being flattered…A couple years ago I was buying spandex at a fabric store in Philly to make pants for my daughter who was rowing at the time. I was talking with this man who was shopping for costume fabrics for his employees to wear (strip club) and I thought he might be able to give me some suggestions for sewing with the fabric. When I went to pay, the man at the cash register asked if I was a stripper. I said, “Well, thnak you very much for thinking that anyone would pay to see me take off my clothes, but no, I am not a stripper.” </p>
<p>Some days, the smallest things make you smile. Sorry to digress.</p>
<p>I like that, MD Mom!! (And at least he didn’t touch you.)</p>
<p>Donna (and all the rest of the women posting here),</p>
<p>The next time this happens in a public location, I sincerely hope you remember to yell LOUDLY at this “person” (I refuse to use the word gentlemen in his case) to stop harassing you. I for one would have NO problem getting involved in the situation if I was there, and have done so before in other situations when I witnessed a women in the unfortunate position of being harassed while she verbally and uncomfortably requested the person to stop. And my “I’m ready to punch someone” scowl has been described a “something approaching Joe Pesci’s in Goodfellas”. </p>
<p>All men aren’t the creeps many of these discussions make us out to be. I prefer to act more like the gentlemen, and so do 99% of the men I associate with. And before any here take offense by my “Big, bad man has to come to the defense of us poor defenseless girls” act, take it up with my parents, they raised me that way. </p>
<p>I’m also sure there are plenty of other men out there who would do the same if they saw or became aware of what happened to you. Besides, they’re New Yorkers: they’re usually looking to give some attitude to someone they think needs it anyway. Just be sure to yell: “Hey! This Red Sox fan keeps grabbing at me and telling me how much Jeter sucks!” </p>
<p>That being said, I still would recommend self defense or rape prevention courses. Things like this don’t always happen in crowds; and lately it seems gentlemen like me are becoming a dieing breed…</p>