<p>Ditto, but now go home and put your feet up. :)</p>
<p>I hope you do get to go home soon if not before. I’m happy for you that at least the biopsies are over and I wish you a complete and quick recovery.</p>
<p>You went to work?! Good lord, no wonder you need those naps! I hope your evening goes without a hitch. Some soup, some wine (maybe), put your feet up and go to bed early. Make sure your son knows you’re OK - although I don’t know if you told him about the biopsy. Since you won’t know the answer - and I pray it’s all OK - do you think it’s possible to give him a little BS at least until his exams are over? I know it’s dishonest but…</p>
<p>Black pants, DonnaL! Black pants!!</p>
<p>Well, I went back to my gynecologist today, and she’d gotten the biopsy results. The good news is that there’s no bad news; the bad news is that there’s no good news (which is how I would have viewed being told that it was some kind of easily treatable bacterial or yeast infection).</p>
<p>Instead, there’s no diagnosis at all. They don’t know what it is. And – wait for it – “it’s very unusual. We’ve never seen anything exactly like this before.” (And this gynecologist has had quite a few trans women as patients, so that isn’t the issue.)</p>
<p>Instead, all I was told was how the pathologists’ report described what they saw: hyperplasia, granulation, and acute inflammation. Cause unknown. A few yeast cells grown from the culture, but not nearly enough to account for this.</p>
<p>So, the gynecologist will contact a pathologist she knows who specializes in obscure inflammations of that particular area, to see if she has any bright ideas. Meanwhile, she think it’s best not to try any treatment at all.</p>
<p>And I can resume the regular post-operative care. Which is good, I guess, but also means I’ll be in pain again if history is a guide. (It was kind of nice to go a week without pain.)</p>
<p>I’m really kind of disappointed and a little discouraged that there’s no resolution in sight, since I was operating under the assumption that once the biopsy results came in, at least they could start treating whatever it was, and I’d be on the road to getting better. Now, who knows how long it will be before they figure out what’s wrong?</p>
<p>Well, that’s life!</p>
<p>That’s so frustrating. I hope they find answers for you…</p>
<p>Donna, big hugs.</p>
<p>Don’t know if this will help, but I just had a couple of “suspicious” moles removed, (one was on my face – all that tanning as a teenager!) and this is what the doctor instructed to avoid excessive bleeding:
For 2 weeks prior to surgery avoid any products with aspirin or ibuprofen. Tylenol is acceptable, if needed.
Also I stopped drinking coffee and switched to green tea (I know it has some caffeine). Some people are just ‘bleeders’, I’m one of those people.</p>
<p>They might have mentioned yeast infection because long-term antibiotics can really mess with your body’s flora. (What somemom said!) When on antibios I step up the plain probiotic yogurt or probiotic keffir.</p>
<p>I know these are not “medical” solutions, but they might help you a little. I hope so and again, best of luck.</p>
<p>I keep thinking of mimk’s post #13. Have you mentioned this to the doc??</p>
<p>Thanks – I forgot to ask about that. But you’d think the gynecologist would have noticed something like that when she was examining me and taking the biopsies, wouldn’t she? Besides, as long as we’re not being squeamish here, aren’t fistulas usually between the vagina and the anus? This inflammation is outside the vagina right near the entrance, rather than inside it. Besides, although I’m no expert, the symptoms of a fistula don’t really sound very much like anything I have. They found no bacterial infection, and there’s no sign of any abscess or discharge or anything like that.</p>
<p>Donna</p>
<p>PS: I’m very sorry I haven’t returned the book you lent me when you visited me in the hospital – I keep meaning to, and then I keep forgetting. But don’t worry, I still have it, and still have the card you gave me with your address!</p>
<p>DonnaL, I’m glad it’s not something serious as far as they know, but how frustrating not to know what’s going on. My best wishes.</p>
<p>Bummer. I’m sorry for the pain you are facing and understand your frustration with not yet having a diagnosis. Here’s hoping you have something definitive soon.</p>
<p>Here is the link – not for the medically squeamish. Donna, I would bring it up, especially since you are the poster child for unusual medical situations – and Crohn’s can do unusual things to people.</p>
<p>[Fistula</a> Frequently Asked Questions - What is a Fistula](<a href=“http://ibdcrohns.about.com/cs/relatedconditions/a/fistula.htm]Fistula”>Fistula: Causes, Symptoms, Types, and Treatment)</p>
<p>Thanks, mimk6. The symptoms don’t really sound like mine, but I’ll ask the doctor if she thinks it’s a possibility when I next see her a week from tomorrow.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I would guess that coming to terms with the fact that your wife had unwittingly married a woman would be a BIG sign that your marriage wasn’t working. 
Just kidding with you a bit.</p>
<p>I’m getting a mental picture here of a situation in an ordinary “Leave it to Beaver” life, one day Ward Cleaver says to June “Honey, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this, and I think I’m actually Ethel Mertz”. That would be a bit of a head-snapper.</p>
<p>But seriously, Donna, my sympathies are with you and your difficulties, but I’m not sure it’s fair to take a swipe against a woman who conceived and bore you a child if she is not on CC to defend herself. </p>
<p>There are a lot of organizations that provide robust support to gay and transgender people (or GLBT) as they work through the terms of their lives, but there is only one, to my knowledge, Straight Spouse Network (straightspouse.org) that helps pick up the pieces of the shattered hearts of spouses dealing with the discovery that their beloved is actually same-sex-oriented or wishing to change gender.</p>
<p>You’ll just have to trust me on this, there are an estimated 2 million mixed-orientation marriages in the U.S. and in the vast majority of cases, the straight spouse DOES NOT KNOW their spouse is GLB or T; there is no assumption when you stand up in front of the justice, priest or rabbi that the person with whom you pledged to live as “husband and wife” might have anything but that in mind.</p>
<p>Sorry to get on your case a bit at this time, I just think that kindness can be extended to your Son’s mom as well as you, without diminishing the concern for you and your (hopefully) good health.</p>
<p><3</p>
<p>Please don’t make assumptions. I was separated, and our marriage ended, four and a half years before I transitioned to living full-time as “myself.” Nor did I begin the medical process until some time after we separated. At the time I separated, I would have told you that I would never transition. (My ex had known for <em>many</em> years that I had some trans feelings, the depths of which even I didn’t admit to myself until after the marriage was over). So that’s not why our marriage ended. In fact, I didn’t even tell my ex that I was planning to transition until after our divorce was finalized (which took four years from the time we separated). By that time, she had long since gone on to a new life, long term boyfriend, etc., etc. I’m sure it was a shock to her, but it was hardly a shattered heart situation.</p>
<p>Other than that one particular story (which didn’t even enter into the separation, and was simply something that disappointed me), I’m not going to discuss the reasons why our marriage ended on a public forum – even though our son is quite familiar with most of them. Except to say that it was the right decision for both of us (even though I’m not the one who made it), that there were a number of reasons why that’s so – many of which can be ascribed to general incompatibility, and others of which <em>neither</em> of us learned about the other person until after the marriage ended – and that it wasn’t remotely the stereotyped “mental picture” you describe. That’s being more discreet than many people here who have discussed their former spouses, I might add. My ex and I do have a civil relationship now, by the way. Fortunately, none of our issues had anything to do with our son; he was never an issue in the divorce, and we tried to keep him out of it.</p>
<p>I’m sorry if I sound annoyed, but it does bother me when people make that kind of assumption without asking me first.</p>
<p>Donna</p>
<p>PS: The Straight Spouse Network is basically for what its name indicates; spouses of trans people are only a tiny afterthought. There are other organizations and support groups for spouses of trans people. By the way, even though I’m sure that the substantial majority of marriages end when one partner transitions, and I’m not minimizing the shock and difficulties that do often arise (especially if it happens like your mental picture!), there are many spouses (both male and female) who do make the decision to try to stay, and many marriages that actually do survive a transition intact – even sometimes when the non-trans spouse had always identified as exclusively heterosexual. You’d be surprised!</p>
<p>I don’t think anyone could make a decision like that to change genders lightly, or without some serious soul-searching. Nobody just wakes up and decides they are Ethel Mertz. Perhaps it was a comical attempt to make sense of something so extraordinary to the normal experiences of most people, but it was a bit tacky, in my opinion. Here we have a living, breathing woman who has walked this walk. I think it is kind of rude to question her choices. </p>
<p>When people let us down in our own lives, it seems pretty normal to vent. I am sure that Donna was frustrated that her ex couldn’t find time to help her - especially considering her past medical history. I think given the same circumstances, we might all feel that way.</p>
<p>Many of us vent here. Heck, there’s even a thread devoted to venting!</p>
<p>Donna knows that she’s among friends here and she is one of the most beloved posters on the forum, so whatever she needs is all good.</p>
<p>Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised. And sometimes the revelation does happen VERY similarly to what I described (and then there are situations where the straight spouse makes a shocking discovery due to computer files left open or phone messages…) despite my cheeky reference to '60’s-era TV.</p>
<p>But it must be admitted that even when the trans or mixed-orientation marriage survives, there is an imposed adjustment and mourning period for the straight spouse who discovers that the marriage wasn’t what he or she thought at all. Feelings of the straight spouse’s betrayal, emotional abandonment, fear (for health issues and other things), and loss should not be diminished or dismissed but often are in the whirlwind of the coming-out process.</p>
<p>Your de facto identity as a woman may or may not have been recognized by your ex before you were fully aware of it, but it sounds like she did the right thing for you both. She has gone on to a loving relationship with a man, and I hope you do the same if that’s your wish.</p>
<p>But I have to take issue with you about your comment that the spouses of trans people are an “afterthought” of SSN, but feel free to provide links or information to other organizations that support spouses of trans people if you know of any. Many members of SSN are very active in PFLAG and Marriage Equality and other organizations that support full rights for GLBT people. Spouses of Transgender people are full participating members of SSN. </p>
<p>It’s a win-win, and for the most part straight spouses come to acceptance, communication and continued affection for their GLBT spouse or former spouse. That’s as it should be. One would always hope that the GLBT person would grant the straights equal respect, regard, and consideration, including on this board.</p>
<p>
We don’t see Donna as a “GLBT person.” She’s Donna who is our friend and about whom we care very much.</p>
<p>If Donna’s ex was a poster, she’d just be herself, not a “straight.”</p>
<p>
You really have to do that? This is a support thread for our friend. As has been mentioned to you repeatedly, the forum in which people “take issue” is thataway.</p>
<p>I’m wondering about this:
[quote}
Nor did I begin the medical process until some time after we separated. At the time I separated, I would have told you that I would never transition. (My ex had known for <em>many</em> years that I had some trans feelings, the depths of which even I didn’t admit to myself until after the marriage was over).
[/quote]
</p>
<p>So if you hadn’t separated and divorced you might have lived on as a married man. Happily? For a while?<br>
So you could say that your ex-wife did you a favor by getting out of your way so you could become what you always were. In fact she did you several favors:
- She married you and let you experience what life is like as a married man.
- She bore you the son who is the light of your life and your pride and joy.
- She realized that it wasn’t working, made the changes, is happy in her hetero relationship, and you are happy as a woman.</p>
<p>Everyone’s happy, right?</p>
<p>Chances are, Donna, you would have eventually realized that you really are a woman, and she would have had a difficult decision to make with many years invested in the marriage. She obviously did not want to be married to another woman (although quite right, some women married to transgender women do stay married), she wanted to be in a hetero relationship with a man, which is the case now.</p>
<p>I think, in light of the decisions she made – for the best of everyone – she should be spoken of with consideration and respect, just as you want to be and everyone wants to be.</p>
<p>Just as a side note: I join many others in giving words of support to Donna, as is appropriate. But consider that maybe I serve as a volunteer crisis contact for spouses in just the sort of situations mentioned here. Maybe I have heard some heartbreakingly sad things, things most of you would not believe. I have to say – if Donna and her ex-wife were able to work things out in a civilized manner that is really commendable, but it is sad to say, that is not usually the case.</p>
<p>Good job, Donna, and all the best to the family.</p>