<p>My daughter is a freshman at a large school, her choice. There are over 40,000 students and we don’t think she (or we!) realized what a big culture shock it would be. She is doing better now and has been bid by a sorority. The problem is that I don’t think she is getting her arms around the work. She has asked us to back off and she knows we support her and are looking at the online information about assignments and grades. She also knows that she will need to come home if she does not do pass. Has anyone had a similar issue? I feel like we are alone in this. She is a good student but I think she is struggling to keep up. We are very supportive as is her extended family but don’t know if there is anyone on campus who can assist us in supporting her. Any ideas!!??</p>
<p>Not sure exactly what you mean by your thread title and the thread title may be why you aren’t getting any responses.</p>
<p>First, MANY kids have a hard time adjusting to college academics so don’t feel like you are alone. Some kids are mature enough to realize that they need help. Others get overwhelmed and stick their head in the sand hoping it will all go away.</p>
<p>Most colleges will not kick a kid out after one poor semester. If your family has minimum grade expectations, make sure that your daughter understands this and that you are prepared to follow through with the consequences.</p>
<p>If you are continually checking her online grades and asking about each assignment, you have got to stop. Ever hear of helicopter parenting?</p>
<p>Most large schools have many resources for struggling students. Check your school website for information about tutoring, writing centers, test review, academic workshops, etc. Also suggest that she speak to her individual professors about how to improve papers, prepare for tests, etc.</p>
<p>This isn’t comprehensive advice, but it should help you get a start. You have to realize that you can not make your daughter do these things. Some kids have to learn the hard way.</p>
<p>Thank you for the response. Yes, the thread title is deceiving but I wanted to hear from parents who are willing to admit that things do not always go smoothly. The community we live in would never share the “bad stories”. Your note confirmed what we have come to and just this has made a huge difference for today!!!</p>
<p>Pinktaxi,
I totally got the title 
Hang in there. She will adjust. Both of my Ds went to very large schools. One of them is in a sorority and it has helped to give her that sense of family and community that she needs.</p>
<p>OP,
Every single freshman, including all valedictorians in D’s Honors college were shocked by the gap in academics betwen HS and college. No Ivy / Elite here. Just regular state public UG. And very many of Honors students were from private prep. HS’s, including my own kid. We never were “looking at the online information about assignments and grades”, did not occur to us at all. We just knew that D. has an increadble work ethic and she will seek help if needed. Keep in mind that help is much more available at college than in HS. There are prof’s office hours, there are supplemental instructors, group studies, simply helpful kids who love to explain because it is their ways to understand deeper. We basically listen when she called. Few times (in later years) she asked us questions related to academics. She mentioned that she never hesitated to use prof’s office hours. One of them knew her by first name because she was there all the time. Not because she did not understand material, but because she wanted to make sure that she understood correctly. She could not afford many B’s in her major. And she was very helpful to others herself which landed her a job of Suplemental Instructor that lasted for 3 years.<br>
There is no way around it, they simply need to work much harder and much much smarter.</p>
<p>As someone who’s first child never slept (at first) I can relate to the title!</p>
<p>She’s a senior in college now. She had a big adjustment when she started school. She’s at a top LAC, where virtually everyone admitted was an A student. She had to learn to go to office hours, go to tutoring offered by the departments, and not automatically be the best and the brightest. It was humbling and a paradigm shift.</p>
<p>Your D’s school may have resources aimed specifically at freshman. I work at a university, and we have freshman workshops that assist in things like time management, using library resources, interpreting/navigating catalog/course schedule for degree requirements, etc.</p>
<p>Especially at a big school where it might be easier to be anonymous, a student can get lost. No one is taking attendance or checking to see if you are keeping up with the readings. Best wishes - hopefully she’ll figure out what she needs to do.</p>
<p>Going to add that the sorority could potentially help – they have GPA requirements to remain a member, and when I was in a sorority we had older sisters who helped pledges in their areas of academic strength with tutoring.</p>
<p>D slept through the night the first month if night is 47 minutes long. I remember moms comparing when their kids turned over (front to back, back to front). Isn’t it crazy? As if it all means something for who they’ll become.</p>
<p>They say there are three things competing for your time at college – grades, friends, sleep. Choose 2. Guess which 2 my D chose?</p>
<p>I didn’t realize she was struggling until it was too late when we saw her 1st semester grades. She wanted to pledge; couldn’t (GPA was too low). She worked harder in the Spring; grades improved a little. She says she’s working harder now. I told her very clearly if she does poorly, she’s not going back.</p>
<p>It’s a balancing act (not that I do it so well) but I think you have to support her without micromanaging. Definitely tell her the school has resources (but she should know this herself). And make your expectations clear to her. She who holds the gold, makes the rules.</p>
<p>Yes, huge balancing act and my D. tends to overload herself. We always talk about it, but she has to be involved with everything around her even now 1.5 years after graduating from college and being much much more challenged and busy with her current academics. Everybody has something that will pull them down, then they have to re-think priorities and re-adjust. This is never ending process. And sorority is a huge support but also very time consuming if they really stay involved…but again, it was another one of D’s list and at the end she is looking back at it as one of her best experiences in UG among very many others that had absolutely nothing to do with her major but helped her to grow in other ways.</p>
<p>–A pretty good summary as to why incoming freshmen should not have the Greek option. I was so glad DD’s school waited until sophomore year!</p>
<p>My best advice–stop hovering! Easy to say. Hard to do. She has to find her own way. Set firm academic expectations and hold your ground on the consequences but I’d suggest that you focus your conversations on her happiness and her safety, rather than her homework. We all know the socialization piece is huge at this age and I agree that her sorority can be a great source of support. She could even find academic help within the sorority, if she chooses to seek such support. </p>
<p>Managing the things one ‘wants’ to do versus things one ‘needs’ to do is central to adjusting to college life.</p>
<p>Another piece that’s big here–staying on top of things as they come along. It’s really tough to come from behind. Mid-term is approaching, always a good indication of the semester’s progress at my house. </p>
<p>I’d have a serious talk about your concerns and then let it go… Encourage her to make good friends while gently reminding her the real reason she’s there is to get an education. Honor her request to back off. Good luck letting go of the strings. It was really hard for me, but it’s doable!</p>
<p>OP, how often do you talk to your daughter about her school performance? You mention that she has asked you to back off, and that you don’t think she’s in control of the workload. Has she shared any actual grades with you? You say that you’re looking at online info about assignments and grades. I presume this is by mutual agreement, yet it seems not to be helping.</p>
<p>Some kids, even very good students, do need parental input to stay on track academically during the first semester. Some can’t manage no matter what the parents say or do. Touching base occasionally, suggesting resources, asking “did you go to the Writing Center?” when the student complains about a paper, etc., can help if the kid is open that kind of help. You say she knows that she’ll have to come home if she doesn’t pass. That’s not setting the bar too high. I would restate those expectations one more time, say “I’m here to listen when you need me,” and then cross my fingers and pray that the kid can sort it all out.</p>
<p>None of my kids slept through the night for eons. I’ve been trying to make up the sleep deficit for a long time and seem to be succeeding. :)</p>
<p>Somebody should do a behavioral psych study on the correlation between infant sleep patterns and college adjustment/success…LOL</p>
<p>Good luck to pinktaxi2’s DD!</p>
<p>“Somebody should do a behavioral psych study on the correlation between infant sleep patterns and college adjustment/success”
-According to my experience the less they sleep the better students they are. Mine did not sleep until she was 3 y o. I still do not sleep, my doc said, my brain got wired for no sleep. It seems not to affect me though and I pitched anti-depressants that he gave me to re-wire my brain. My guess is that when they do not sleep much, they develop faster, maybe? She never crowled either, and that was another lie that I read about that they would end up almost brain damaged if they do not crowl. After few things like this, I do not believe much in anything. It is a lie that everybody needs 8 hrs of sleep and if you do not sleep that much you will have heart attack or be obese.<br>
Any way, if somebdoy say that the kid did not need any adjustment to college, that is surely a big lie. But so far everybody here agree, that every single kid needed to adjust and OP’s D. is no exception.</p>
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<p>Disclaimer: My children are not in college yet so take my post with the required grain of salt.</p>
<p>You seem to be implying that there is a connection between the “culture shock” and your daughter’s grades. In other words, there are outside-of-classroom issues affecting her performance. It’s not that the work itself is too difficult for her.</p>
<p>If that is correct, then obviously that is where the efforts should go to correct that situation.</p>
<p>If it’s, instead, that the class subject matter/assignments/tests etc. are over her head … well, then, that is a completely different matter.</p>
<p>I think you need to, first, confirm where the real issue lies.</p>
<p><a href=“we%20are”>quote</a> looking at the online information about assignments and grades.
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</p>
<p>I agree with posters who say this is a bad move.
I don’t even look at my D’s online HS assignments (or my son’s Middle School!). I certainly would not recommend doing it when children are in college.</p>
<p>Just for the sake of blowing away your assumptions, my son slept through the night at 11 days and left college after one year.</p>
<p>My son is a junior in college. He pledged a fraternity in spring of his freshman year. His grades have suffered ever since. The school never put him on academic probation. But, we parents sure did. </p>
<p>Things are barely improving. But, they are improving. In hindsight, we should have set GPA expectations from the beginning. Alas, we didn’t and so here we are…hoping he doesn’t ruin his chances for grad school at some point in the future. Oh well. At that point maybe he’ll understand.</p>
<p>Last few posts just show that assumption about males maturing a bit later is correct in most cases with some exceptions.<br>
"Just for the sake of blowing away your assumptions, my son slept through the night at 11 days and left college after one year. " - This is completely in line with my experience. As I have mentioned, D. did not sleep thru the nights first 3 years of her life.</p>
<p>OP what are you seeing on the grades/assignment page? Is she getting C’s, incompletes, what?</p>
<p>Our S didn’t sleep through the night until he was >18 months old and even now is NOT a good sleeper. He did great adjusting to college (better than HS, actually & it was a huge U, 2500 miles from our home). He graduated with a degree in EE with honors in 4 years.</p>
<p>Our D who slept through the night at 5 weeks has had a much bumpier time of it. It’s important to help your child ID what the stumbling blocks are. Is the courseload to heavy? Homesick? Study habits? Learning to live with room mate? Dorm? Other issues? Ask your child to figure out which things are causing issues and brainstorm ways to improve things.</p>
<p>All campuses have various things to help transitions–RAs for housing issues, Student Learning Centers and the like for study habits, profs/TAs with office hours. Help your kid ID & make use of the appropriate resources, emphasizing that they are there just for the students, paid for by the students, including HER.</p>
<p>Our D has had some terms where she got “I” incompletes (not recommended, but it happens), and some terms where she got even worse. The important thing it to support your student taking ownership and actions to improve the situation. It’s painful, but it is THEIR time to take charge.</p>
<p>My DD still doesn’t sleep through the night. Somehow she manage to graduate from undergrad school with two majors…one was engineering. </p>
<p>OP, both of our kids knew that if they didn’t make grades sufficient to keep their scholarships, they were leaving their expensive private schools. One kid had a fairly substantial scholarship and the othe just s small one. </p>
<p>Re: Greek life…one kid wanted to pledge until the kid realized that we parents were NOT paying a nickel for Greek costs…not a penny. That changed the kids mind quickly.</p>