I’m torn between being irritated and feeling like a jerk.
We made reservations a year ago for my son’s graduation. Us, his sister, his grandma and grandpa. It’s a plane ride away from here.
My spouse has a sister whose son - I’ve written about him before - is just awful. I literally can’t stand to be around him. He’s exceedingly badly behaved - I seriously wonder if he’s a sociopath or psychopath. It’s so bad we just don’t spend any time with them. If he’s near me he literally doesn’t acknowledge my presence and his mom doesn’t do a thing when he’s acting up. I’ve actually been very nice to this kid.
My son - was told at 5 he may never graduate high school, has dyslexia, dysgraphia and also suffers from chronic migraines. His middle school head told us to never plan on him taking calculus in hs because he wasn’t creative enough. He took an extra year in college due to the medical issues, plus changing majors a few times. And that’s okay - some of the “easy” classes were harder for him to get through. This child was a tremendous amount of work, worry, stress, etc. I have another child who will graduate on time, life was easier for her. I will still be tremendously proud of her when she graduates, but it’s not quite the same level of intensity we’ve had over the years with him.
This may literally be one of my proudest days as a parent. And I get an email telling me they all want to come. I just told hubby - absolutely not. I will not spend that graduation day watching him misbehave, having my inlaws fussing all over him instead and feeling mad about it all. Husbands sister actually called to talk about it. Hubby didn’t go too deeply into it, he just said we’ve made these reservations a year ago, we just wanted a small group at the actual ceremony and we’ll have a party later. Her answer is - he’s just 10! What do you expect? She literally doesn’t see the problem with him. I get that it’s so thoughtful of her to want to celebrate with my son, I just can’t imagine my son’s biggest accomplishment to date being overshadowed by this kid. And no, they weren’t invited, they were just presuming an invitation.
Husband needs to step up to the plate and say, “Sorry, sis, but your family is not invited because you are raising a little monster and there is no way I am taking the chance that he will ruin this day for my son.”
Deal with the fallout later. But he really needs to take a bullet here for you and play the bad cop.
I will be very interested in hearing other opinions as I am not 100% committed to this position.
What’s the upside to telling her that her kid is a monster? Seems like that has been mentioned before and the mom is oblivious. She is family so tough to be too direct. On the one hand, I can understand why you don’t want them there, while one the other, it’s nice they do want to be there. Not all extended family cares that much.
“he just said we’ve made these reservations a year ago, we just wanted a small group at the actual ceremony and we’ll have a party later.”
I think this is all your husband can say. Just keep repeating this EVERY time it comes up in a firm, unemotional way.
Many colleges have restrictions on the number of tickets.
We had a similar issue, but with an adult with drama issues who didn’t make the cut.
It was a cross country trip and our 8 tickets were for 2 parents, 2 surviving grandparents, 2 siblings, the grad’s SO and a great aunt sib of one of the grandparents.
I agree with @mominva. Then the discussion is over. If it appears that your DH is backtracking, he can tell his sister a white lie and say he didn’t realize the college had the restriction until you told him about it.
“he just said we’ve made these reservations a year ago, we just wanted a small group at the actual ceremony and we’ll have a party later.”
I think this is all your husband can say. Just keep repeating this EVERY time it comes up in a firm, unemotional way.
Don’t feel any guilt about this. Be firm in your answer (especially your husband), do not waver. No. Grandparents only, thanks for asking. We will have a party later. If when told no (as she already has been), she keeps asking or talking about it, that’s just rude. But stay firm, feel no guilt, thus is the right thing to do for your son and yourself. You shouldn’t have to think another minute about this.
I’m no sure why this is even an issue. If it’s not the case that there’s a limited number of “tickets” available to attend the ceremony, just act like like there is. “Thanks for being supportive but we just can’t accommodate you. There’s no tickets available. We can get together once we’re all back home.”
Be firm. Make sure DH is on the same page. Step it up to “I see you want to come, but that’s not what we want or have planned so please listen. And we’ll be sure to see you at the party later”. We h also did not want to share the day for various reasons. I told my parents, we told his parents (who resisted, but we just kept repeating) and then the day before one of my siblings sent an email saying they were coming. I said , wait, we don’t really want that. And they did. I did not offer to meet them, or find them seats, and we did not see them until finding my kid outside the venue. It wasn’t optimal, but whaddaya gonna do?
So just keep repeating yourself, and ignore them after that. Congrats on the day! What a wonderful outcome for your perserverance and his!
You have every right to deserve this day with no drama. I wouldn’t say anything about thevson, but if DH doesn’t get it across to her, you’ll have to step up. If it comes to it, I would just tell her how touched you are that she wants to celebrate, and you will later, but for now you just want your nuclear family and grandparents. If she insist, tell her you are sorry, but you’ve made up your mind. If she pushes and pushes, then either you or your DH will have to be extra firm. Is she like that? Hopefully there is a ticket limit.
Maybe the opportunities to grab as much free food…especially fancy hor d’oeurves as possible. 10 year olds are still growing and need all the nourishment they can get.
If one is lucky, maybe the 10 year old can see if he can get away with running away with the platter of whole roasted pig with university officials, frat/sorority members, ROTC cadets, athletes, and older alums chasing after him.
“We want to celebrate this as a small family. We planned it that way well in advance. We can have a party later.”
A graduation is about the student and sis is making it about her. Just shut it down. No further explanation needed. Just keep repeating the same thing over and over.
“We made a dinner reservation several months ago for our graduates’s favorite restaurant. I’m sorry we cannot accommodate you. We would love ( har de har har) to have you join us for a private (”“and very special”""} event later. 45 minutes of lemonade and sheet cake.
Nope. Just don’t get them tickets…and don’t reserve hotel rooms for them. JUST SAY NO. It’s an immediate family and grandparent event only. Period.
And don’t feel guilty.
Our kid is a musician. We in tied everyone to his last year recitals…and NO ONE to his graduations. For undergrad, everyone came to the senior recital. For grad school, a favorite aunt and uncle and some friends came. Then the grand parents on one side were miffed because we didn’t invite them to the actual graduation. We didn’t invite ANYONE to the actual graduation.
This is a special day for your immediate family. Don’t get guilted int inviting people you don’t need to or want to invite.
Re: ticket limit…we had agreed to give our graduation extras to a family who,wanted them. So while,there were enough to in its others…we didn’t have any ourselves.
I don’t think you need to say anything other than you plan to celebrate with immediate family and grandparents only. No need to make any kind of other excuse, IMO. We did not invite anyone to join us for older daughter’s graduation from a college which was hard to access and extremely expensive in terms of accommodations at graduation time.
@cobrat what fancy appetizers are you talking bout…unless, the family is paying for,them? We have been involved in six graduations from college in this household…and none have served food…not one. We took folks out…at our expense…but they were folks we WANTED to take out.
At the university graduations I’ve been to there were cookouts, hor d’oeurves, and more provided by the college/university and its associated departments, clubs, alumni organizations, etc.
There was some free food to be had, especially for growing 10 year olds.
