Your SIL can go to my daughter’s graduation. We don’t have anyone to invite. She’ll need to bring a big gift though, and pay her own way.
Thank you for absolving me of my guilt. I think they want to come because she has a friend in a nearby city and they could tie it into a trip to Niagara falls. I also believes she realizes now as her kids are growing up how un-involved she was with my kids when they were her kids ages. I agree, the ceremonies are boring, especially when I saw the speaker was some former grad patent judge - no offense to people who find that fascinating. But I’ll blubber my way through it as I see him march in wearing his cap and gown.
My younger d - who doesn’t even have a boyfriend - has declared this same kid is not invited to her future wedding. Now that will be a discussion 10 years from now!
At D’s graduation there were huge outdoor tents with food, tons of food. This was a small LAC, like Cobrat is referring to. I can’t see a larger University hosting something like that, purely logistically speaking.
“…the speaker was some former grad patent judge - no offense to people who find that fascinating.”
No, I am not offended. 
At my kids’ school, if you didn’t reserve hotel rooms a head then you are S out of luck. We are all going to my nephew’s graduation (same school), and my brother had rented a house for all of us a year ahead of time. We could all go to the graduation, but if it rains then it is limited to 4 tickets/family.
Not all colleges face the same restrictions with hotel bookings and limited tickets. If you are going to graduation in a more populated area for a small school, graduation might not necessitate all the year ahead booking concerns.
Stand your ground. We had some relatives invite themselves to our D’s graduation. Then when they arrived (late, creating drama for MIL), they showed up with a nephew that I can’t be around and his wife (who had literally never met my daughter) and their toddler. Wife proceeded to make the afternoon all about her and toddler and their relationship to grandma. I was sooooooo mad.
We didn’t invite grandparents or other relatives. Was never even a conversation. We had enough to do with moving stuff out of the dorms. S1 didn’t fly back for S2’s graduation. S2 stayed here and didn’t attend S1’s graduation because I was still in the hospital after my heart attack and the three of them didn’t want to all be out of town in case something happened.
I think OP’s DH had a great response. Rinse, lather, repeat as needed.
Both of my kids’ schools had box lunch picnics in between the morning and afternoon ceremonies (graduating class 1200-1400 students).
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We come from large families and our oldest is the oldest grandchild and great grandchild on my side. When he graduated high school we chose to limit the people we notified and invited to set a precedent. We didn’t invite all of my cousins and beyond, despite how close we are, because we didn’t want him to be invited to their kids and have to start elaborate gift giving obligations. As the first to get married, all of my cousins were minors and invited with their parents. Now when they’re getting married I’m an adult and get invited to several every year! I have around 4-5 dozen cousins. It’s expensive to be a guest! Anyhow - that could be a gracious reason to limit too.
My ex skipped D1’s graduation, but is coming to D2’s. D2 would strongly prefer that he not come. I admit that I think having him there will probably make the weekend dreadful for everyone. But that is just how it is going to be for us.
cobrat has told us many times before that one of his favorite activities as a college student was crashing other people’s events to eat their appetizers.
As to the OP, everyone is right. Just keep saying, “Sorry you can’t be there, it’s just not possible.”
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Her answer is - he’s just 10! What do you expect?
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since when are 10 year olds not capable of behaving? I would call her on that if she ever said it again.
I would not mention the ticket issue if there isn’t one. Too easy for her to call the school and find out.
Repeat that the guest list is limited, period.
I wouldn’t provide any details about the graduation…the date, where you’re staying, where the graduation is being held, the time, where you’ll be celebrating after, etc. If she tries to come anyway, then not knowing where you’ll be, where you’ll be sitting, etc, will still keep them at bay.
I wouldn’t be sharing a lot of details yet with the invited guests either so that she can’t pressure them to tell her.
Time for the broken record technique.
Every time Sis says “I want to go” you/husband say 'The arrangements were made a year in advance. We will have a large family celebration after we return." Repeat as needed. Over and over.
If she continues to bring it up after a firm no (which your husband already did), then it is she who is rude for insisting that they come. She has been given an answer and you have no obligation to give her an answer that will make her happy. Do not cater to her rudeness. I have a strong suspicion that this isn’t the first time she has done this. Stop putting up with her drama.
And congrats on your daughter’s accomplishment.
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This thread reminded me to check on hotel rates and availability for May 2018 graduation and sure enough almost everything is already sold out or super expensive! I’m getting something reserved tonight.
I agree with the prevailing opinion. Tell them in no uncertain terms that they cannot be accommodated at the graduation but you will be hosting a party to celebrate the achievement that you hope they can attend (and then of course you need to have a small family gathering).
On a separate note a huge congratulations to your son and your entire family on his graduation. What a wonderful achievement that I’m sure could only have happened with a strong, loving, and supportive family behind him.
My daughter told me last week she’s not participating in graduation. She won’t, unless a friend asks her. She never listens to me.
No problem with hotel reservations as she goes to school in a resort area, and I don’t think there will be more than 600 graduating, including grad students. There are ~900 in each undergrad class, but the summer and fall graduations have quite a few students as the school offers a co-op program, many students take 4.5 years to graduate, some take some courses online, etc., so ‘May’ doesn’t mean graduation.
Agree, just say No. But if you feel it needs to be a bit polite: Not this time. (Not this event.) The plans are done.
What I wouldn’t do is promise to invite them to a party. That’s a commitment you may regret later. (If it’s a family party, you may have to. But giving her the promise now will probably rankle you later.)
“Not this time.”
Maybe she thinks a graduation will encourage her own kid to think about college. It’s too often about other people’s wants, eh?
Am I the only one who thinks this is kind of mean? I mean, she’s willing to fly her family to see your son graduate.
This is coming from someone with a relative who threw a full out tantrum with kicking and screaming in Target at the age of 11. So I know how bad it could get. I would never leave her out, but I have certainly spoken with her directly before events about expectations for behavior and it seems to work. “I want you there very much but we can not have whining, screaming, or crying on this night. Do you think you can do that?” She listened to me where she wouldn’t listen to her mother.
What happened to accepting those with challenges, whatever they are?
If it was me I’d let them come, as long as SIL could make all her own arrangements. I would feel comfortable saying something like, “Make sure you bring him plenty to do because these things can be really boring for kids and if we’re videoing or something we need it to be quiet. And snacks and stuff–be very prepared. Or maybe you can take him to run around somewhere out of the stands if he gets antsy, so sit on the end so he can get out if necessary–it’ll be good practice for a wedding where he’ll have to sit still some day.”
Chances are she won’t be able to find a hotel at this late date.
I guess I’m the lone dissenter here.
I think it’s mean to try to forcefully insert yourself into another nuclear family’s plans. I’m similarly offended when they all want to be in the delivery room because “they” want it, not the couple. Granted, that’s an extreme. But aren’t we allowed to sometimes create our own experiences? Does it always have to be come one, come all?
OP explained here why this is an event with special personal meaning. The aunt could honor her nephew in her own way. No one’s blocking her from that.
This is hardly a delivery room! Truly a false equivalency.
But yes, don’t insert yourself into another family’s plans. The story doesn’t sound that way to me though–it sounds like, “Hey, we’d like to participate, what do we do?” “Don’t come.” “Why?” “Because we don’t like your kid.”
I don’t think it’s bad for a sister to ask her brother “why not?” or to try to talk about it with him. This is hardly “forcefully inserting yourself into another’s nuclear family’s plans.” The husband and husband’s sister are a nuclear family too–one that is “over” but one that has (seemingly) strong roots and its own set of expectations. I don’t think the SIL committed any crime here trying to talk to him. I think it means they were close enough that she felt she could ask. This is a good thing.
I would hope my own sisters would ask me, and I would hope my SIL’s and BIL’s would ask us too. Ideally they would accept our answers graciously and with understanding–the thing is, there needs to be that understanding to be gracious about it. On both sides.
The OP’s husband is caught between a rock and hard place IMO.
But all in all, it’s your day and you should be comfortable with your decisions. Why feel guilty if there is nothing to feel guilty about? Keep it small and be very comfortable with that especially if that’s what the kid wants. No need for guilt. But there’s also no need to be irritated with her for wanting to come. It sounds like she would have spent most of the time in Niagara Falls anyway.