My family gave up a positive graduation experience because an unwanted relative
insisted on attending. Then, a second time, another graduation was compromised because
of relatives who were invited but then made comments that created friction.
Then a wedding celebration…same behavior. Every time it felt that we had to because it was
family.
We have a graduation this May. I think we have finally learned to say no and to create our own
celebration without guilt.
If I could have a redo in my life I would be more honest in the kindest way possible without
thinking that other’s wishes were more importantant than mine or H’s or my children’s.
Don’t mean to be insensitive…but…first world problems…sheesh!
Either you want these people to be part of your life, or you don’t.
If you don’t…telling them you hate their kid is a terrific way to get them to go away forever. Problem solved.
On the other hand…if hubby wants to continue to have a relationship with his sister…expressing a little tolerance for Dennis the Menace might be the way to go. Meet them half way. Psycho kid can come to the reception after, but not the event. (not enough tickets…oops)
I get it…this is your son’s day…it’s all about him. Except it’s not. If it were up to him, he’d probably say screw it and run off with his friends. LOL. This is YOUR day,
This is about your issues with your sis in law and her PITA kid. By the way, I’m sure he’s difficult…but family kinda…gets over that and supports each other, regardless. At least that’s how it works at my house.
Maybe hubby and his sis are not that close and showing junior the door would be the best way to break off the relationship?
Kid might well have problems. Hell, he might even be a sociopath. But even if he is…if his own people won’t tolerate him and love him, who will?
Ride herd on the kid. Tell him what’s expected of him when he’s your guest. Actively be an aunt. Hug and kiss the little jerk. Ask what he’s into. Show him some respect and concern…show him some empathy…if you want him to be empathetic and care that this is important to you…care about what’s important to him.
I mean, it’s probably too late now, but you could have been working on this for months if not years. You could have a relationship with this kid. You could be a positive important person in his life. You could make a difference.
Or…you could just say…Nope, not interested in you people. They’ll take the hint. But while you’re happier to be rid of them, your mother in law is gonna be crushed and that will hurt your husband. See? Complicated.
Sometimes it’s not all about you. Sucks, but it’s true. Sometimes you have to give to take.
OP didn’t say hubby blamed the 10 year old.
Why is this do or die, put up with him at this graduation or lose any relationship with the aunt?? Really?
“Not this time” isn’t flinging down an ultimatum. Can’t the SIL understand about this one event? Can’t she show that understanding and support?
I’m just saying, why is it up to OP to dodge her or put up with an uncomfortable situation or fib about tickets or “promise” an alternate invite? Isn’t the aunt expected to be gracious, too?
Here’s the reality…no matter how it’s said…the message is still…we hate your kid, go away. That’s going to cause all hell to break loose in the family, and the people who will be hurt the worst are the grandparents…which will make everyone feel lousy.
We’re not talking about their dog who jumps on people. We’re talking about their son…who is just as perfect and precious to them (in spite of his weirdness) as OP’s kid is to her. In sis in law’s mind…she has a relationship with her nephew. Her son has a relationship with his cousin. She has a relationship with her brother and wants to share in his pride. Sis in law wants the family to treat her kid…like family. Unconditional love.
There’s a difference between saying…it’s really important to me that Mr. Naughtipants doesn’t steal the focus…and saying he’s not welcome. The first is something people can work together to accomplish, and the other is just unloving and hurtful.
I dunno, maybe I just don’t think like most other folks…but in my family…we’d all ride herd on the little jerk and make expectations known…but we’d be fair, too. We’d give him a chance. We’d all pitch in and do damage control, and try to let the mom have a happy proud day. Let the grandparents have a happy proud day without feeling torn apart by siblings excluding a child because he’s not perfect.
My family is like MaryGJ’s. I agree this is about the OP and not the graduate. This is fair, it’s the OP’s post. We all have feelings and deal with issues so I mean no judgement here. But this is something to think about.
The OP’s H and SIL must have spoken about the boy-- “What do you expect, he’s 10” alludes to this. It also seems like they talk badly about the boy in their home, which really isn’t fair and will never help anything in the relationship. Dennis the Menaces doesn’t have a fighting chance of being liked, ever, it seems, by this family, and they rarely see him. I would hate for my child to be disliked forever because of the way he behaved when he was 7.
Most of us feel OP and her DH are allowed to make this call, this time. This is about a small, private group celebrating her son’s triumph in his life, that day, at his college. Not a family reunion. A bigger family get together can come later and they did mention that to SIL.
There are (and presumably have been) other times to make this about the 10 year old, his feelings, his future, his challenges, his chances.
That’s all I want to say on this, because OP asked for support with a personal one-time situation, not about family philosophy, in general.
I think all of us feel the OP and her DH are allowed to make this call, this time and every time. But maybe back up and look at the big picture a little, because it’s the source of her guilty feelings, which is what she’s actually dealing with here, not the nephew.
This is the kid who swears at you and tortures animals, right? Actions have consequences. If this child ignores your existence your husband should have stepped in long before now. This isn’t about graduation or your son’s struggles; it’s about how this child has been permitted to treat you. Your husband needs to put a stop to it. There’s nothing wrong with telling his sister that he doesn’t like how her son treats his wife and they are not invited to the graduation. And I wouldn’t invite them to a family party later on either.
I think the OP has the right to choose how they want to celebrate their child’s graduation. Its their son. Their choice.
We had a similar situation with one of our s’s graduation (only in our case the family members who wanted to invite themselves would have needed help with the cost of transportation/hotel, and we were not prepared to do that). These family members do make everything about them and typically create some medical crisis while they are there too, which adds to their drama and attention-seeking. We let them know that there were limited tickets to some of the graduation events (which was true) and we had already made graduation dinner reservations for our party at a small restaurant, and trying to add 5 to that reservation would simply not be possible.
These family members have inserted themselves where they were not wanted in other extended family members issues, causing conflict and hurt feelings. They are often difficult and cause stress. Why do that? We have invited them to an upcoming family event in a few months and it has already caused an undue amount of stress and hassle that could have been. Avoided if we had not included them. And there will be more hassle, inconvenience and stress with further planning of this event. But we included them because they are “family”. Regretting it now due to the problems they create by being self-focused and generally an inconsiderate pain in the neck.
So, OP, tell them you are flattered/honored that they want to share your s’s celebration with you, that they will be in your thoughts when you are at his graduation, and that perhaps you and they can find another way to extend the celebration and honor your s’s graduation with them at another time. Good luck!
I think it depends on what “awful” means. It could mean an annoying 10-year-old boy (of which my son was one) who isn’t parented appropriately in such situations. It could also mean something else entirely, and the OP is the only one who can decide. My husband has a nephew who was “awful.” He came from a good, stable, loving middle-class family. His first felony arrest was at age 15. He is now a three-time-loser awaiting sentencing that will send him away for a long time. He was awful, violent, vicious. His parents were never in denial and from a very young age they decided never to impose him on a situation where they could spoil someone’s memories. Frankly, even if he is just a ten-year-old boy who is a bit of a handful, not everything is about him either, and there are places that are not appropriate for children. And on her child’s graduation day, the OP should not even consider hugging, engaging or riding herd on someone else’s child.
Tell them you appreciate their interest and give them a link to watch it on-line
I don’t care how much the familynis willing to spend to attend the graduation. Do,you really think it’s OK to in its yourself to ANY event?
Sorry, but that is RUDE. I don’t care what the event is…inviting oneself and family to an event is nothing short of inconsiderate. RUDE.
This family that invited themselves needs to learn about general manners. Do they invite themselves to other events to which they have NOT received invitations?
Sorry…they are RUDE.
@MaryGJ There is nothing the husband said that was about the ten year old kid. He simply said no. And good for him.
from another OP post:
[QUOTE=""]
He has adhd, but the arm chair psychologist in me believes there are other issues as well, perhaps odd, perhaps just badly parented, and in some moments as I watched him torturing animals, a future sociopath. He doesn't look anyone in the eye. He's just mean and I know he gets in trouble at school regularly. I've witnessed him chasing down kids, some just little 3 yo girls, knocking their legs out from them and pushing them down on the ground. I was the only one who went over to him and told him to stop. My sil is very sensitive about any criticism about him and mil believes that since sil loves him, it makes it okay. <<
[/QUOTE]
uh uh. no. heck no. just no.
i’m not backing down from my post in #1. in fact i’m doubling down. i would insist that sis get professional help for kid’s mental health / psychological issues NOW and they are banned from any future family gatherings until they do. torturing animals and physically attacking 3-yo girls? sis needs to get her head out of her behind and realize she’s got a problem on her hands that needs tom be addressed NOW. forget “future” psychopath / sociopath / rapist / felon. he is already hurting others
I have made it a policy never to tell family member to do with their kids.
BUT that also doesn’t mean people get a free pass to in item themselves to events I am having.
For example…we are having a NO KIDS wedding. Would a family like this think it’s OK to in its themselves to bring their kids to our wedding event? You know…that’s rude too.
A college graduation is not a suitable event for a 10 yr old. He will be bored stiff. And he will act out. I very much doubt that HE wants to go.
The reality is that an actual graduation ceremony is often tough for parents and grandparents to make it through, much less 10 yr olds with absolutely no interest in the event.
Even if he were a decently well-behaved child, his mother should be exerting some common sense.
I have two great-nephews whom I love but are infamous for their misbehavior, especially when together. This past weekend we had a family expedition to the circus with a casual but nice restaurant dinner to follow. Those two kids absolutely WOULD NOT stop bickering and fighting the entire time, from the moment we got into the car. The younger one has zero impulse control and cannot sit still with his bottom on a seat for more than 5 seconds, literally. He is in second grade, but behaves more like a 4 yr old IMHO. At one point, failing to listen as usual, he came within 6 inches of running full tilt into the street in front of oncoming traffic and was only stopped by my bellowing at him so loudly that I thought I ruptured something. During the circus he constantly kicked the seat of the person in front of him–thankfully a family member-- and then in jumping around fell forward across the seat onto the back of my 94 yr old mother. In the restaurant, he would not sit still at all, took the top off of his drink, and promptly spilled the entire thing across the table onto me and his uncle. And so forth. The older one is very bright, but incredibly arrogant, and will not stop taunting and baiting the younger one. They fought over pokemon cards, they fought over a hat they got at the circus.They did their absolute best to destroy the outing for everyone else. No amount of cajoling, reason, or sternness could stop them until they finally, blessedly, fell asleep.
My niece, their mother, says she doesn’t want to “break their spirit.” The rest of the family pitches in to try to distract, amuse, and discipline them. It doesn’t work.
I don’t think that the OP and her family should have to put up with this kind of thing at the graduation.
Nor should the OTHER families.
He has not changed since that linked post from a few years ago. I’ve voiced my concerns, my husband has spoken regularly about it and we are the ones who are blamed for noticing. They are invited for holidays, to come over to swim, we go to some school events. This isn’t just an antsy kid. And in the end, they weren’t invited. We invited to this event who we wanted there last year. Parents, sister and grandparents. The parents don’t believe there is any place children shouldn’t be. When my mom died last year they brought them to the funeral, and managed to not behave for the time they were there, grandma (my mil) is the one who brought them back to the hotel, and she missed my mom’s funeral after driving all the way up. I didn’t even get my mom’s funeral without drama from them. So no, they aren’t taking this from me. I really don’t even care, my kids are the ones who have gotten the short shrift their entire lives. Everyone else’s drama has taken precedence. I’m the type who feels badly and guilty over standing up for myself - call it the irish catholic in me, my basic personality, or whatever. I don’t stand up for myself enough and I think it’s rude to invite yourself somewhere. I’m sure she won’t ask again to attend and I also know she doesn’t get it.
Good for you, @eyemamom . Stand firm.
Don’t lie. Just tell them straight that your plans can’t be altered.
Right…graduation plans cannot be altered…period. Repeat as often as necessary.
Again…do folks really think it’s good manners to invite oneself and family to n event? Any event?
It’s not…it’s rude.