From what you’ve described, the appropriate response from you could easily have been “I want to break their necks!”
Once more…who here thinks it’s good manners to invite oneself to ANY event?
The only event we thought we were being invited to and were shot down at was a wedding where the bride to be and her fiancé and mother and dad of the bride were at a party at my folks’ house and kept talking about the upcoming wedding. We asked them when and where it was so we could see if we could get my dad & mom (great uncle of the bride) to it. They blustered a bit and then said “You’re not invited ,” and FINALLY shifted the conversation away from wedding plans (which had been the ONLY topic until that point).
We had all thought we were all invited the way they just kept talking endlessly about the wedding. It was awkward. I think they had asked my folks to throw them a shower as well. We have never felt “warm” to them, especially since that uninvitation.
This situation I see as totally different. I would tell the parents they are not invited and not feel guilty.
<<<
What happened to accepting those with challenges, whatever they are?
<<<
When the difficult behavior is due to some uncontrollable reason, then acceptance can be warranted.
When the difficult behavior is due to poor parenting/discipline/spoiling/etc, then acceptance is ENABLING.
The parents are in denial. The mom didn’t say, “he’s got ABCDEFG and that’s why he behaves as he does.” No, she dismissed his bad behaviors on his age (10)…(and that’s not 10 months!)
The sooner these parents are made to feel the consequences of having a bratty child, the better for the child in the long run.
Really…the behaviors of this ten year old are NOT important to the invitiation situation.
Fact is…this family is trying to invite themselves when they were not invited…period. That’s rude. Very rude.
Consolation makes a great point, as usual. If this kid comes and acts up, he not only ruins the day for his cousin and aunt, but for other families who have no responsibility to him at all. Which is also rude.
@thumper1 That is absolutely true. The family has the right to control their guest list regardless.
However, I think many of us realize that the OP wouldn’t mind this family attending if there wasn’t this dark cloud of “the child will ruin the event” looming.
The fact is…the OP did NOT invite this other family…and really…that’s all,that matters.
It doesn’t matter why.
It doesn’t matter that this other family wants to foot their own bills for this trip.
They were NOT invited.
I think that clearly one of the issues raised by the OP that might be most important is that the MIL, both the OP’s son’s grandmother and the nephew’s grandmother, will be, and has been in the past, distracted by and give all her attention to the nephew. From the OP’s descriptions, it sounds like this is what always happens. Wouldn’t it be nice for her S to have his grandmother’s attention at his own graduation? This isn’t just about a kid acting up, this is about another young man who is supposed to be the one celebrated that day.
Until my kids (the oldest of the cousins) had a college graduation, I didn’t realize how different they were than HS graduations, so I sort of understand why the sister thought that it wasn’t a big deal to attend. My kids all graduated from small private colleges and our grads had to hunt out extra tickets for graduation. Afterwards at each one, there were tents with food, varying degrees of fancy at each college. No one except for immediate family and one or two sets of grandparents attended and most of our grads friends only had immediate family. My husband graduated (we were married young, he went back to college) from a large State U and he only had me and our parents. All that is to say that besides standing strong and putting feet down, it really is normal to have a very small group at a college graduation and not a place for young cousins - or extended family.
When our kids graduated from, we had very few attend the graduation ceremony. Since my brother’s S was also graduating also in LA, we attended his and he and his family attended our ceremony. Since it also happened to be H’s 70th bday that year, we had a surprise birthday party for H as a dinner just before the graduation with those few who were going to attend the graduation, one of H’s buddies who lived in LA, and my best friend who also lives in LA. We had no young people and absolutely no drama at our graduations, which were long and hot and would have been utterly torture for any young person (wasn’t all that much fun for us adults either, as happy and proud as we were of the graduates). We attended my niece’s graduation because H is her only uncle and I am her only aunt. These are VERY small celebrations and we only attended out of a sense of obligation and to support my BIL and niece.
It’s fine to say no, politely and firmly, no.
LOL, @jym626. My mother is wont to say “I’d like to break their behinds!”
Seriously, although the older one has stayed with me a few times and on overnights with my mother, who lives nearby, quite frequently, no one wants to be responsible for the younger one’s safety at this point.
@thumper1 You are right, IMHO. They are being rude to invite themselves. But it seems clear that consideration for others does not rank high on their list of concerns.
Our D’s commencement speaker is Hillary Clinton, so they are limiting tickets to 5 per grad. My daughter’s friends from other schools all want to go, but we barely managed to score the two extra tickets we need for family. I almost wish we could trade Hillary for the boring patent judge! There are lots of angry people who booked their flights and hotels well in advance.
thumper, my mother was not invited to her granddaughters graduation.
My sister, mother of the graduate, was not on speaking terms with her then
and this granddaughter did not want the stress. My mother showed up anyway.
I have many stories like this. She just refused to respect others wishes.
Rude, self centered, disrespectful.
Just a few descriptive words for this behavior.
OP’s husband needs to be respectful of the fact that her mother passed fairly recently. My mother passed five years before my daughter’s graduation. I was overcome with emotion at the ceremony because she couldn’t be with us to share this proud moment. My mother was very supportive of me as a first gen college grad, emotionally and financially, I know she would have loved to have seen my daughter walk.
What does the death of the OPs relative have to do with these folks inviting themselves to this graduation?
Not only should OP stand firm and not have any regrets about their family decision, she should send a link to this thread to her sister-in-law.
Are you going to send a link to your graduation thread to your sister? Or do you want to have a relationship in the future?
I don’t recommend sending her a link to this thread. However, just stand firm. Only immediate family and grands are invited.
Initially, I thought this was a bit mean spirited but also that a 10yo, even a well behaved one, would be pretty miserable at a college graduation. My sons who were 13 and 18 were pretty miserable sitting through their brother’s college graduation - both the overall speeches and then the actual departmental conferring of degrees. Especially because it was outside in the rain and cold. Luckily, my son ran in and go my in-laws seats inside where they watched a live feed.
But reading further, there seems to be a genuine concern that this kid would be more than typically difficult in this situation. I wonder if there is something going on with this kid - hopefully not a sociopath but perhaps undiagnosed with ADHD or even autism of some type. I would be empathetic to how difficult it can be for a family to cope with a kid and how hard it can be to accept something is wrong. That in no way dismisses the parental obligation to figure it all out.
I would emphasize that - this is no place for a 10-yo. and he would be bored. But if the s-i-l wants to come herself, would that be OK? (Assuming she has a husband that would be able to watch the son). Also, that you have dinner reservations that can’t be changed to accommodate 3 more (and don’t know the name of the restaurant).
I think of a graduation in a broader sense than something one is invited to like a party. My sister said she wanted to come to my son’s graduation which was 5.5 hours from her home pretty last minute. We already had restaurant reservations with the in-laws which may have been difficult to expand. We also had tickets to the post-grad lunch which I think were sold out at that point. I discourage her (boring, too long a drive, not great weather), but certainly didn’t feel like I could say don’t come. She’s my sister and loves my kids. In the end they decided it was too much and I was not unhappy as it was already a challenge managing a group of 7. There were no limits on tickets, so the graduation itself was really open to the public and no way to stop anyone from coming.