I know, I know…I should have kept my big mouth shut. This is DS’s 2nd high school girlfriend and they’ve been dating over a year. DS is loyal to a fault. She isn’t a bad person, and has good qualities of course, but it’s just not a balanced relationship and I don’t like how she speaks to him. She is smarter and sharper, has body issues and because of that some low self esteem. My DS is not real, real sharp and because of that has self esteem issues. She makes cutting remarks to/about him, even in front of us. My DH noticed it first months ago and it doesn’t seem to get any better. I’ve heard two bad ones. She is of another faith. I’m very liberal and even question my beliefs in my own faith and am highly respectful of all, as our boys are.
They were sitting at the kitchen table studying this winter, and DH hears her say, “I’m not Christian. I don’t give a shit about Saints”. Oh…how disrespectful in all sorts of ways, right? he says nothing.
Then this past weekend we took 3 young couples out to eats. My other DS and his friend had on nice plaid shirts with chino shorts. DS, who enjoys looking nice too, went to change out of his Tshirt to put on a shirt. I said “where’s DS” to the group as we are trying to all leave. He comes down and someone mentions he went to change. Girlfriend says sarcastically, " oh, he just always wants to make sure he’s dressing great" or something cutting like that. DS has a shocked and embarrassed look on his face. I look at her and said “well you know…you only have 3 seconds to make a good first impression”. Then she answers something like " well he will make sure he’s making one" back to me. These are just 2. It was the first time I spoke up, even Older DS notices her comments.
So yesterday I asked his how she made him feel and he acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about. I told him that your GF or BF should make you feel good about yourselves. That we was a kind, thoughtful person that doesn’t have to be anyone’s doormat. I wouldn’t have put up with that from his Dad nor vice versa when we were dating, and neither should he. I said she isn’t a bad person and I’m happy he has a GF to hang with, but when it comes time to choosing a life partner, he needs to be mindful of how that person treats him, speaks to him and makes him feel. To be open in college to meeting people. (he didn’t like me saying that).
I usually stay out completely from their relationships, but I swear I’m not sure I can keep quiet if she says things around me anymore. ok…rant over. So…how do you handle these things? I looked for the manual, but couldn’t find one.
Wow…I would feel the same way. I think a lot of posters will say that you shouldn’t have said anything, but I think you did the right thing. He may not have acknowledged what you said, but rest assured that he heard you. Hopefully he will see her faults and stop allowing this mistreatment. Good luck!
I agree that I will probably be told that I should have completely stayed out of it. But…but, but, but…he is different from other DS. I think because of his lower self esteem he puts up with that And just wanted to let him know that he shouldn’t. Be careful. He deserves kindness and thoughtfulness. Once this weekend, DH went out to where older DS was sitting and said he was sick of hearing her comments. Older DS said he knew, " that’s sick" was his answer.
I think you did just right…kept the focus on him, how she makes him feel, rather than tearing her down. I would say no more, he’ll remember what you said and it will resonate later. Hopefully he will meet someone nicer in college. In most cases the ‘hometown honey,’ as we called the high school GF or BF in my day, doesn’t last more than a few months after that transition.
Honestly, I think you’re being a little nit-picky. She doesn’t sound perfect but it could be a lot worse. Plus, it’s a high school relationship. Very, very few last beyond high school. This is just practice for the real thing later. They live and learn from these relationships to make better choices down the road. Nothing wrong with what you told him but I’d leave it at that.
Thanks Snowdog. I will let it rest now. I just hope it resonates and makes him feel more open to change when in college. I did tell him that both his a Dad and I went to school with our respective others…and just knew when our friendship grew that we were a couple.
Doschicos, we’ve never discussed it. I don’t go there, as I don’t want either of them thinking I’m talking about them and their GF’s behind their backs. If I talk to older DS, he will repeat it to his GF. And then they might think I talk about THEM behind their backs. I’m just trying to keep mum as much as possible. DH had no trouble saying that he was irritated to older DS, and after what older DS said about it “being sick”, he probably doesn’t think much of her either. Blood is thick!
Hanaviolet…I wish it would end this summer. So much easier to start a new school year fresh, much harder for a break up mid school for all involved. He was quite crushed over the breakup with his first girlfriend. First time I saw him cry since he was small, thankfully I was there to talk to him. You are right in that the hard part is the breakup. I never wanted them to date. They were friends for several years, good friends…she really went after him after his breakup with GF#1. I just never knew she was so snarky.
@conmama - Wise of you not to bring it up to your older son, but was wondering if he mentioned anything. I know my kids are very protective of their siblings. Even though they might tease each other sometimes, they don’t put up with others giving their siblings crap. Hopefully the relationship will dissolve sooner than later.
I think sometimes people not in the relationship really don’t know the dynamic at all. I was in a relationship with a guy who would say things that people could find sharp/shocking. That didn’t mean he meant them seriously or even meant to come across that way (he certainly wasn’t putting me down - in fact, we would poke fun at each other). He was a great, great guy - we are still friends, even though we are not together. If he said some of the things in front of my parents, I would looked shocked too, not because he made ME feel bad, but because I would be afraid my parents would misunderstand/overreact (because see, I would be too uncomfortable to carry on our banter in front of my parents, and it would probably look one-sided).
I don’t know if this is the situation at all. Some people just come across very differently if you don’t actually know them in daily life. Come to think of it, I’ve had several really sarcastic friends who would probably come across sharp (I am not like that at all, by the way - I think I am attracted to very direct/blunt, other people may say overly so, people, because it’s not how I am). That doesn’t mean they make me feel bad about myself, etc. I think it’s pretty dangerous to judge a relationship without being in it.
Let me be clear, some people CAN be real jerks and put people down, but maybe it’s just my experience having some sarcastic/‘sharp’ friends, I always wonder when I see on CC parents being shocked by these people: do they really mean it, or are the parents misunderstanding? And more importantly, is the son/daughter staying in a friendship/relationship because of low self-esteem, etc., or do they actually feel good and comfortable around these people and the sarcasm (and possibly give as good as they get, just not in front of their parents)?
I know I made mistakes when one of my kids dated someone I didn’t care for, as my kid defended the SO no matter what. I had to back off, and eventually they broke up on their own. That was a learning experience for me/
I think it is a pretty safe bet that saying anything negative about the person is likely to backfire. However, I still think it is OK to check in with our kids- as long as we don’t cross a boundary and get too invasive.
What I try to do is, if we get to talk about the relationship is to reinforce their own feelings and judgement- that if every they icky or disrespected when the other person is around that they have the right to enforce their own boundaries. Are they comfortable being themselves or are they afraid to say something? I don’t think we have to say nothing, but we shouldn’t overdo asking questions. I think in high school,we should be able to know some information about the other person and the relationship as they are still our kids under our roof. but being too invasive or restrictive is probably not effective.
Hopefully, they figure this out and it becomes a learning experience. If this girl is being critical of your son’s clothing, or religion or anything else, hopefully he will get tired of it.
You are his mother. He is still in high school. Part of your job is to share with him your years of relationship experience so he can learn from it.
I present these types of things as “in my opinion” to my own DS. He has enough respect in my opinions and experience to really take these into consideration.
conmoma, I recommend that you read the book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. After you read it, if you think it applies to them, you should give it to your DS and say that you don’t want to interfere in his relationships, but you think it will be meaningful if he reads it.
If the GF is verbally abusive, the problem you have is that he may just go from one abusive GF relationship to another. It can become a pattern, and abusive relationships require both an abuser and an abused. (If you think it’s extreme to use that term, read the book.) Just hoping that they break up and he moves on is not enough.
I only made it through the first paragraph before I had to reply. I have not read any of the other responses and I don’t even know if you are looking for advice or just venting. Either way, here it comes.
This is a no brainer. This is easy. A complete slam dunk. Yes, absolutely, without hesitation or qualification, you should meddle, interfere, mess things up, get in the way, throw your weight around, etc., etc.
He will thank you later.
Like you said … you know you shouldn’t, blah blah blah, anticipating the shocked reactions of the other CC parents, but I wholeheartedly disagree with all that. Yes, you should. There are times when a parent has to sit back and let the child work his/her way out of it. I get that. This is not one of those times.
A long while ago, I posted about something like this except my son was much younger and the girl wasn’t verbally abusive or whatever. Well, I had my reasons and I didn’t think she was a good fir for him. He was pretty damned mad when I advised him to end it. His mom and brother all sided with him.
That didn’t even cause me to blink. I knew I was right and sure enough, many years later, he agreed with me and took back all the things he said at the time. He didn’t get it at all then but he understands now why I intervened.
With all due respect, you don’t need to read a book about verbally abusive relationships or give your son that book. There is no need to read anything. Save the trip to the library. Don’t research it. Listen to your gut.
So was I. My parents didn’t like him for that reason, and you know what? They were right. I had to learn it for myself in the end, but I could have saved myself a world of heartache if I’d listened to what they were saying about how he made me feel.
IMO there is nothing more important in a relationship than how each person treats the other. I wouldn’t hesitate to mention to my child that I think she is not being treated respectfully.
@Snowdog, that may be true, and that’s your experience - absolutely valid. That was not mine. As I said, great guy, and we are still friends, years after we were in a relationship.
The difference being, of course, he didn’t make me feel bad.