<p>I know I will probably get a lot of flack for this but I am looking for opinions. My DD is a college sophomore. She has been dating the same boy since high school. He is a college junior. While I really like the guy I don’t feel he is the right choice for her. Who would have thought when she is a high school junior that they would end up dating for 3 years and looking at things long-term? I am worried about many things. They go to school 4 hours apart so they only see each every 6 weeks or so and during the summer. So, in my opinion they can get along well with only seeing each other occasionally. I also think they are very different people. She is very straight-laced, hates going to parties, would rather stay in and watch movies. She is a terrific student. He is a fairly studious, but likes to go out and party, not unlike most college guys. I actually think you should go out and have fun while you are in college, she is just not into that at all. His parents are also of the opinion that college students should swing their fair-share of the college costs. He is going to come out of undergrad with significant loans. We are trying hard to limit the amount of loans she has to maybe one Stafford loan. So another question, is if they do marry and then it doesnt’ work out - look at statistics - then she will be responsible for half the loans??? I hate that thought since we have been really trying on having her graduate with as little debt as possible. What do you all think? I know they still have quite a ways to go but they have been hanging on so far.</p>
<p>I think you’re borrowing trouble. I dated my HS/college bf for almost four years before breaking up. And occasionally, we’d get back together, but it never stuck. We thought we’d get married (he even showed up with an engagement ring once), but we didn’t. Don’t worry about all this just yet.</p>
<p>FYI, the man I did marry still had some college debt. I graduated with none. When we got married, I paid his off out of my savings – I didn’t want it hanging over my head, and it wasn’t that much.</p>
<p>I think you need to remember that this young man could someday be your son in law. That decision will ultimately be your daughter’s and his. </p>
<p>His loans are NOT in your daughter’s name, are they? </p>
<p>At this point, I would put this all out of your head. Lots could change…or not. You say you like him and he’s a nice person. It could be a lot worse.</p>
<p>Ugh, who knows if they will work out long term, but the college loans - UGH!</p>
<p>[Marrying</a> Someone Who Has Student Loan Debts: When Do You Have to Pay?](<a href=“http://www.brighthub.com/money/personal-finance/articles/103571.aspx]Marrying”>http://www.brighthub.com/money/personal-finance/articles/103571.aspx) Looks like the answer to the debt question is “maybe”. There was a big thread on this a few years ago <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/628417-how-would-you-feel-about-your-kid-marrying-someone-large-student-loan.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/628417-how-would-you-feel-about-your-kid-marrying-someone-large-student-loan.html</a> That said, I agree. As hard as it is, sit on your hands. Give advice/opinion only if asked.</p>
<p>Not much one can do. When parnts meddle in these sorts of situations, the result is usually a terrible mess. </p>
<p>A great friend of mine has a daughter who fell in love with a convicted felon with lousy job prospects. They’ve been married now for 10 years, and things look a lot better than some dream matches that have fallen apart or are in trouble. Who would have guessed? You can practice carefully couched statements to use when your opinion on various things are asked, but I would stay well away from making any outright direct proclamations that can come back and bite you in the backside. Your kid is likely to tell the person what you say and that can lead to nothing but trouble if the relationship becomes more serious. I have trouble forgiving and certainly I don’t forget some thing my MIL said about me that DH was foolish enough to relate and that she did not want the marriage to occur caused issues that would not have been there had she embraced the relationship or appeared to do so.</p>
<p>To answer your question about student loan - no, your daughter will not be responsible for any debt her boyfriend incurred in his name while not being married to your daughter.</p>
<p>She might be on the hook for the debt in his name incurred while they are married, but this will depend on divorce decree and in most cases the creditors will not be able to legally pursue her.</p>
<p>" While I really like the guy I don’t feel he is the right choice for her."</p>
<p>Then just hope for a delayed Turkey Drop . . .</p>
<p>that said, she is making up her own mind these days and I doubt you have much sway with her in matters of the heart, so like recenlty departed Dea Abby said, yo gotta MYOB.</p>
<p>It’s also odd that you are spending time being anxious about these hypotheticals, which makes me worry some about how you are doing . . .</p>
<p>When anyone marries a person with heavy duty debt from anything, there will be ramifications from it and limitations and issues, unless some money appears to take care of it. So, yes, if your DD someone with a lot of student loans, it is likely to affect her life style. Credit reports, loss of usable income since a sizeable amount will have to towards loan repayment, will all be things that come up. </p>
<p>I know folks who married a SO with children from a previous marriage, debts, issues, and yes, they do come into the picture. No, it isn’t part of your DD’s credit report, but if she’s trying to buy a house with her husband, for instance, that can be an issue. Plus his take home pay will be $X minus the payback for the loans. So, yes, her life will be affected.</p>
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I’m not a lawyer, so who knows what might happen.</p>
<p>I will say this, though. Kids often thrive on a “us against them” mentality, and your opposition (whether voiced or just perceived) is something that can help keep them together. Which is unfortunate, because if you just roll over and say nothing than the fact nobody seems to be objecting lets things keep going without any friction. So, no sage advice to offer. </p>
<p>And to play amateur psychologist, when you talk about your DD as “very straight-laced” I’m going to guess is that one reason she likes this relationship is because in many ways it isn’t one! She only sees the BF every 1.5 months and during the summer, so she doesn’t have the day-in and day-out contact that a full-time relationship would take. That dials down the contact and demands. At the same time she is shielded from pressure to date at her college since she’s nominally involved with someone.</p>
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<p>What mikemac said. Plus, I remember being 18-20. Being only 4 hours away, I don’t think it would have been 6 weeks between seeing each other. Six weeks is a LONG time.</p>
<p>Is their relationship supposed to be exclusive?</p>
<p>This just isn’t your business. Your D is an adult and her choice of partner is her choice, not yours.</p>
<p>She is definitely straight-laced - she will not drink at all - even when I offer it to her - because she isn’t 21 yet. She doesn’t like it when he calls her after a night out when he has been drinking and thinks that it may all “change” when they are married. My husband is the same way - I love parties and going out but end up staying in and watching movies much of the time and I see that I resent it sometimes and don’t want that to be what he is experiencing. I knew I would get flack and know ultimately I can’t do much about it. Just wanted to see how others felt about it. And yes they are exlusive to one another. They talk on the phone a lot and use Skyp. I do agree that it is a “safe” relationship and my dgt is comfortable not having to worry about going out when he wants too.</p>
<p>Simply stay on the sidelines and see how it plays out over time. It is her relationship. The more you stick your nose in it and the more you voice negative feelings, the more she’s going to hold on to him.</p>
<p>As long as she’s happy and he treats her nicely and with respect, stay quiet.</p>
<p>D1 is in a similar relationship. I like the guy, but I am not sure if ultimately they are right for each other in the long term. They have been going out for 3+ years now. Few weeks ago she called me up to tell me that maybe they have broken up. I was so good at not bad mouthing him that she thought I said she should give him another shot. They are now back together again, but I have a feeling that eventually that they will break up. The last thing I want is to have her attribute the breakup to me because I think it would be hard for us to recover from that. I also think ultimately she will make the right decision, either way.</p>
<p>As far as student loans, I was the one who started one of those threads listed by jym. D1’s BF also has fairly large student loans. She knows we would not be supportive of them getting married until he has the loans paid off. I made sure my kid wasn’t burdened with loans when she graduated, there is no reason for her to be burdened with someone else’s.</p>
<p>I had something like this relationship. I was the boy who was studious but did like to party. My girlfriend never drank, never danced, and thought that more than eight people in the same room, with too much noise, was the definition of “hell”. We spent long stretches living far apart, and this was in the pre-Skype, pre-cheap-long-distance Pleistocene Era: We wrote letters. We talked on the phone every six weeks or so, and saw each other on vacations (or when my grandmother died).</p>
<p>Guess what? We’re still married – it will be 30 years next summer.</p>
<p>I paid her student loans, too. But it was completely a joint decision – she only incurred the debt so she could go to graduate school within a few hours of where I was working. After we married, I was making a lot of money, and she wasn’t, so I paid for the rest of her graduate school and for servicing the pre-marriage loans (which amounted to about one year’s worth of tuition).</p>
<p>I married a student loan. It was rough. However, so is marrying someone with a child from a previous relationship (and that situation generally sticks around more than 10 years). So is marrying someone who has limited income potential. Bottom line? It’s likely everybody is going to enter into a marriage, even a first one, dragging some financial baggage. </p>
<p>Age. I work in higher ed. Thanks to electronic communications, I am see more couples stay together from high school to college and then marriage a year of two after. It’s by no means the norm or a trend, but I see more more of it than I used to. I have two pieces of advice then. 1. Never dismiss a relationship as “just” a high school or college gf/bf. 2. Do no speak ill of the SO thinking he or she can’t possibly last (I know, easier said than done) because it can come back to bite you. I’d say even after things end, do your best to keep your feelings to yourself as sometimes couples reunite. </p>
<p>They are not too young for a serious relationship. After 3 years, your D knows exactly who and what he is. Sometimes, the life of the party doesn’t want competition from his partner and sometimes the recluse appreciates someone to drag her out into public once in a while. Dh likes to “go” pretty much all the time. I don’t. He’s ok going alone sometimes. I like the free time to myself when he does. You may not think this bf is right. It doesn’t matter what you think.</p>
<p>And believe me, my rational self is talking right now. I have been exactly where you are, thinking I do not like that SO/don’t think that SO should be the one. I’m trying very hard to become the parent who stays out of it. Sometimes I succeed.</p>
<p>I met my H when we were close to 40. Because by the time he started college he was parentless, he had a LOT of student loan debt still. It also took him 10 years to get his two degrees because, well, he was paying as he went. <em>I</em> came into the marriage with debt and baggage and two kids. Somehow we’ve managed to carve out a life that isn’t hand-to-mouth despite the debt and extra kids. It’s what people who love each other DO.</p>
<p>But you’re way ahead of the game playing “what-if’s” and “borrowing trouble” as another poster said. The couple seems to get along fine, even though they are not mirror images of one another. Good for them. I think you need to just step back and keep your mouth closed.</p>
<p>A couple of things…I hope someone will want to marry my daughter if she goes to medical school. She will surely have a ton of debt.</p>
<p>When my husband went back to college for his bachelors degree, we were married and I was the only one working while he was in college. It worked for us. My inlaws were probably thrilled to have someone else help with private school costs…and my parents probably thought I was nuts. They all had the sense to keep their opinions to themselves about the finances…as well as other debts we incurred over the years.</p>
<p>I think you are lucky that your daughter has a decent guy in her life that she enjoys spending time with and likes well enough that she would consider marrying him. You say you like him, with the qualifiers you mentioned. I didn’t see anything in your posts that would disqualify him, or even give me pause. Is there something more major you’re not stating? Sometimes people are attracted to those who are not clones of themselves, and it works.</p>
<pre><code>I also wouldn’t get too worked up over the student loans. He sounds like a work hard play hard kind of guy, and probably has some good time management skills or he wouldn’t be doing very well. There’s nothing wrong with having a little skin in the game, and most students who have some debt after college figure out how to make it work.
</code></pre>
<p>Some day, your daughter will be married and hopefully the person she marries will love her for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. I’ve been married 41 years, and believe me, helping to pay off my husband’s graduate loans is small potatoes in the scheme of things. There was a time early in our marriage when I was the person working full time and he was going to school full time, and we had to borrow money to make it happen. I do remember my mom wondering if my Dh would ever get his act together, and if I’d ever be able to have children. 10 years later, he was making a great salary and I stayed home with my first born- and have been a stay-at-home mom ever since. In marriage, it’s all about give and take. Believe me, if they do marry, there will be something that your daughter will bring to the table over the years that he will have to make allowances for. Life is never a straight path, with no bumps along the way.</p>