<p>I’d like to point out that you even knowing about your D’s relationship is a privilege. Don’t abuse it. </p>
<p>We don’t know anything and are not kept in the loop. We trust that our 20 year old daughter will be able to determine for herself who she loves. We occasionally hear rumors about her love life 3rd hand from D’s friend’s parents, but for the most part, we have to use our imagination. </p>
<p>DW and I didn’t need any parents to evaluate our relationship. We’ve been together 30 years also. I paid DW’s loans. No big deal. We’re a team. Now she’s makes plenty of money too.</p>
<p>You won’t be alone if you end up with an in law that you don’t like. You’ll be in good company. Better you have a DD’s boyfriend that you don’t like than that.</p>
<p>While I agree parents shouldn’t interfere too much with these things, I do think what OP speculated makes sense -
</p>
<p>I always remember a good friend of mine dated her high school sweetheart. a month after they started dating, he went far away for college. they dated long distance for 5 years! Finally they could live together and discovered there were so many big differences between them - they actually grew apart without knowing. They had a child, struggled trying to make the relationship work, didn’t succeed. then divorced. it’s a sad story. If somehow your daughter could be attracted to a guy next to her, it’d be her good luck.</p>
<p>I guess Im in the minority here. I actually dont think that a 19-year-old is truly an adult, at least not in terms of settling on a life partner already.</p>
<p>Each familys different, but it seems strange to me that I would have to learn about my kids relationships third-hand or that we would be tiptoeing around the subject of any boyfriends. We talk about just about everything in our family. And the advice goes both ways, BTW, between parents and kids, and we tend to listen to one another (we dont always agree but we listen). I dont think its a terrible thing to gently offer general cautions to loved ones as long as the concerns are expressed in a respectful manner and dont turn into preaching or personal attacks. Im in my 50s and I still get advice from my mother and I dont resent it.</p>
<p>But thats just a style that our family is used to. OP, you have to take into account how your daughter has taken advice in the past: was she receptive to at least listening? does she like to be presented with viewpoints she may not have considered on her own? or does she bristle at any suggestion of yours? It can certainly be a delicate situation, but you know your daughter best. I know that I would have a few worries, not necessarily because of the boys student loans, but because they havent really spent much time together continuously, and when they do, they like to do different things.</p>
<p>My son went to college on a full tuition scholarship and also received full tuition to law school. He will graduate in April debt free. His wife had no undergraduate debt but owes over $200K for her degree in dentistry. She has been supporting him while he’s in law school while working on her loans. I certainly would never have suggested that he not marry her due to her debt. She is the sweetest, kindest most loving daughter in law anyone could ever ask for and will someday make my grandchildren a wonderful mother. To me that is way, way more important than money.</p>
<p>When they first started dating, which was in high school, I didn’t think it would last because she is straight laced and shy. He is extremely outgoing. But they balance each other perfectly. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted him to trade her in for a more outgoing girl with no debt.</p>
<p>You should allow your daughter to make her own judgements. Respect and trust that she will make good decisions, after all, you raised her to do just that. I too believe that things do work out the way they are suppose to. It’s great that you like him and your daughter loves him. That is far greater than some of the other issues young couples face. When they are both graduated from college, then new sets of decisions have to be made. Things can change. Be patient and supportive.</p>
<p>Some parents go through a lot of trouble and sacrifice to get their children a loan free education, and, yeah, it can feel like a big fat wet slap in the face when the kid marries someone with megaloans. I can get it. But that’s just the way it goes. Not realistic vetting potential in laws on their loans or their financial status, though many well to do families do just that by keeping their kids in the company of like kids in terms of financials.</p>
<p>Smile and nod. That’s the only thing you can do.</p>
<p>I am doing the same thing until my face hurts. My D1 is dating a young man for 4 1/2 years who is a nice enough guy, but they are completely wrong for each other and bring out the worst in each other. I love her and like him but hate them together. His family feels the same way as do each of their sets of friends. I also don’t think they are too happy most of the time, but it’s not an area I will interfere in.</p>
<p>We often discuss to death about students taking out large amount of debt for education, especially for majors which would not be as easy to get employment. We question about both parents and student’s judgement in making such a decision. So why is it when it comes to our kid’s significant other then it is right out the window? We are not talking about an engineering major with 40-60K student loans, or medical/law student with large loan (not sure what’s the optimal amount is), clearly those loans should only be taken out if there is an ability to be able to pay off those loans fairly quickly. A student with intention of going into social work or journalism should not graduate with 200K student loans. Wouldn’t you question some one’s judgement if that’s the case? I would question my kid’s judgement if she thought it was ok for someone to do that.</p>
<p>D2 is planning to go to law school. We will be helping her out, but she will need to take out some loans if she should decide not to go for the merit aid route. But as a parent, I will help her determine amount of loans to take out without putting too much pressure on her later on in life. </p>
<p>After all the coaching we have given our kids, I would hope they would be smart enough to be financially prudent for themselves, and that would include life partner that they choose some day.</p>
<p>Heh, heh. My niece broke in her parents the right way with a real stinker of a boyfriend in high school and the first few years of colleges. Just about anyone she found afterwards looked darn good in comparison. You didn’t hear a peep out of my brother about them. She just recently married and it was a bit on the quick side, but I think the relief that the groom wasn’t BF#1 from days of yore still uplifed family feelings about the groom.</p>
<p>I have not read the whole thread so forgive me if I sound redundant.</p>
<p>I graduated college and grad school with no debt. My husband had college and law school loans to pay off. We paid off his loans together. When we had children, I took a year’s leave of absence to stay home with the baby. That year’s leave of absence turned into 27 years at last count (and the addition of more children). I never minded the debt from student loans (10 years to pay it off) and he has never said one word about our later decision for me to stay at home … indefinitely. Hard to quantify something as nebulous as the future.</p>
<p>D graduated law school with debt. She marries this year and I know she has discussed the debt with her fiancee. She got the job she wanted and has already started paying off her loans. Still, she enters marriage with debt needing to be paid. I can’t say it doesn’t worry him but it never entered into the marry her or not equation. I also have the feeling that it will shake out fairly even over the years to come.</p>
<p>Re spending time together vs. not … I know couples (yes, couples - plural) who lived together, then married, divorced within years. Always surprising, but it happens.</p>
<p>This. There is a difference between 200K debt from medical school and the same debt from undergrad studies in almost anything. All the anecdotes in this thread about jointly paying off student debt is about professional degrees with gainfully employed spouses. I’ve not seen a feel good story yet about the couple with large debt for undergraduate degrees in fields with no large income potential.</p>
<p>The debt he will have is only a small part of the issue. There are other issues - I was just kind of curious about that. I think I have been looking at my own life lately and reflecting. My DD and I are very close. She has a mind of her own and in the end will follow her own path, that I know. She does, however, listen to me most of the time. She may not seem to at first but later on I see her making decisions that in the end have been better. I am trying not to interfere, truly, which is why I posted on here - to get other opinions. We have talked about this to some extent as we do with other aspects of her life. I just want the best for her and want her to be happy. And just for some info - neither are going to have careers where they make tons of money.</p>
<p>lamm: if debt is only a small part of the reason you think the boyfriend is unsuitable, what are the other issues? The only thing you mentioned was that the boyfriend was more outgoing (liked parties) than your D? </p>
<p>No one in our family likes youngest D’s live-in boyfriend of two years. He comes from a fine family, doesn’t have student loans, works hard–it’s his style that none of us likes (including my son-in-law–who likes everyone and rarely speaks ill of others). Boyfriend is very cynical and sarcastic and tends to put people down. I’m sure it’s because he’s insecure, but he’s not a whole lot of fun to be around.</p>
<p>Last summer, youngest D was staying with us (she had a part in a summer theater production in the area where we have a summer place) and one night at dinner she interrupted H as he started to say something about the boyfriend. She told us that her boyfriend treated her well and made her happy and that there was no reason we should all treat him so poorly. She told us that he knew we didn’t like him, so that made him even more awkward around us. Then she started to cry. Needless to say, H and I were upset with ourselves and our behavior. We both decided right then that we needed to support D and not interfere in the relationship. We needed to respect her judgment. Easier said than done–but we’re trying.</p>
<p>Kudos to your D’s BF for enjoying college. Sounds like he isn’t over the top and clearly he enjoys himself but still wants her in his life. </p>
<p>Kudos to your D’s BF’s family for their idea that he should be responsible for some of the costs of his college - this is very much the norm in MANY families and IMO should not be seen as a negative. He is a college junior so he has made the choice that college is important even if it will entail costs to him later (are his loans outrageous? Don’t know if I missed that…)</p>
<p>Kudos to their relationship that it isn’t overbearing. That it allows them time to do their own “things” at college and apparently, trust. And that they can still and want to enjoy each other when they can. Either certainly has had years of opportunity to end the relationship and they have chosen not to.</p>
<p>I do understand being a parent and thinking that if you are still dating your first high school love (without having really dated others) how do you know this is “your” other half? How do you know without playing the field more? Clearly, there are many stories on CC and in real life that will show that many, many times that first love is the true love. </p>
<p>You seem a little protective of your D. Not a bad thing. But just make sure that it is HER happiness that is in the forefront here and not yours. We often have a picture of who our child should be our child’s partner. Yet the “choosing” is not ours to do.</p>
<p>Bromfield were you able to communicate what bothers you about her BF? I would not like this either.
I dont feel that have a lot of choice at this stage in my D’s lives. My SIL hates her daughter’s BF doesnt feel he is high acheiving enough, she even had it out with them. It has only made them closer.
I have not met my D’s current BF, I will in april. He sounds nice and he is working to get through college which I respect.
I helped my H through law school and we paid his loans, i didnt think much about it, I loved him. We still have issues with our differences in partying. while he is quiet he likes his beer more than I like (I dont drink) and although we dont have alcoholic issues, have to say dont always enjoy his company when we are out. something about being with people who are feeling good and you are sober. I have finally told him to do that with his friends and not me. Other than that we have many things we enjoy in common.
My kids will get out of school without loans, not sure about grad school. I hadnt thought about the other person having loans, in my H’s case it was for law school and it paid off. Anyway, dont think I would have much say. You love who you love. And when you are young and in love anything can be overcome.</p>
<p>We have the same situation here times two. DO NOT PUT YOUR TWO CENTS INTO YOUR DAUGHTER’S LOVE LIFE.</p>
<p>My youngest met her boyfriend in their sophomore year of high school… Did we like him? Not so much. But we kept our mouths’ shut. After all…what relationship lasts the test of time? They went to different colleges, but within driving distance. My daughter joined a very popular sorority…and they didn’t break up. They did however grow up. I took several steps back and watched them. He grew into a wonderful young man. We love him, we respect him and support their relationship.</p>
<p>If you told me this 8 years ago…I wouldn’t have believed you.</p>
<p>Other daughter met her guy 8 years ago on her first day of college. They have a wonderful relationship. And we love him as well.</p>
<p>If you try and run interference you run a huge risk. We aren’t there for every moment of THEIR relationship. Unless there is abuse…stay out of it.</p>
<p>…and as for the money issue…the word prenup is important. Or…let them decide what is important to them.</p>