<p>I think I have mentioned a few times that my future husband is not what CC parents would call an ideal match. He wasn’t a great student in a major that isn’t very employable, whereas I was an excellent student an am pursuing a PhD (which will hopefully make me somewhat employable in spite of my folly in studying psychology). Yet, my family adores him. Why? Because he is a very supportive, kind person who loves me. If you can say the same about your daughter’s boyfriend, that is a very good thing and more than a lot of parents can say. I also don’t consider the slight mismatch in personality to be a bad thing, necessarily. Sometimes us straight-laced people need someone in our lives to remind us that it is okay to have a little fun. I have many wonderful people in my life now that I probably wouldn’t be close with if it weren’t for my fiance being much more outgoing than myself, and encouraging me to get out there and do things. </p>
<p>The ultimate question I think it is important to consider is whether they make each other happy, and whether they’re both bringing something to the table. For instance, my parents have really disliked most of my sister’s boyfriends because they saw that my sister was giving way more than she was receiving in terms of love and also financial support. (Notably, one boyfriend would only contribute to the household in the form of buying food that he wanted her to cook for him. Not good.) However, it seems like the boyfriend in this instance is hardworking and a good person. </p>
<p>It might be beneficial, rather than specifically targeting a discussion at your daughter’s boyfriend to instead have a more general discussion of the future, and maybe how he fits into that future. Do they have a plan regarding his student debt? Do their long-term plans allow them to be in the same place? I know with my sister it is usually not beneficial for the parents to point out how much they dislike her boyfriends - this only really seems to result in a Juliet complex. However, thinking toward the future, she may be able to reflect on whether or not this person that she cares for fits into the long-term vision of her life.</p>
<p>You aren’t necessarily going to like your children’s SOs. You are lucky if you like your kids. </p>
<p>I agree that it can make your chest constrict when you have worked hard to get your kids through college debt free and trying to get them on strong financial footing and they come home with some with 6 digit loans and a credit rating that stinks and horrible money handling skills. I have friends who are dealing with this right now.</p>
<p>Companies won’t even hire you if you have bad credit rating. I think credit checking should be done before people get married (or maybe before they start dating).</p>
<p>That’s a very sweeping statement, oldfort. Of course there are some companies that hire people with poor, or even bad credit ratings, otherwise only those with great credit ratings would have jobs. In SOME companies, in SOME capacities, SOME people with bad credit ratings would not be hired. </p>
<p>Also, no one is talking about this kid having a BAD credit rating, just that he is taking on debt for school, like a vast majority of students out there. And more power to you if you think marriage, or even dating, should be a business arrangement. Me? I’m not thinking about my H’s credit rating when I’m sitting in the doctor’s office waiting on a report, or watching him comfort his crying daughter, or watching him work on the yard with my son, who he accepted without reservations. And I know he isn’t thinking of mine. I’ll bet MOST relationships out there are like mine rather than your ideal.</p>
<p>I not wild about my D’s boyfriend for lots of reasons. Mostly I think he drinks more (a lot more) than I am comfortable with. But he treats her nice and she’s wild about for lots of reasons I do understand. She has no idea of my feelings. I’m not dating him.</p>
<p>There maybe some companies that do not do background check before employment, but they tend to be smaller companies. It used to be quite expensive and time consuming, but with the internet it is quite easy and affordable, even for small companies. With so many good applicants, they do not need to hire anyone with bad credit. Many professors and career center are telling their students to keep up their credit rating. If you are not telling your kids that, then you are missing the boat.</p>
<p>Luckily I did not run my husband’s credit score before I started dating him. It probably wasn’t very good. But he was SO cute, kind, funny and treated me like a princess. He’s been the most amazing father and we’re now on our 35th year together. I guess all those attributes were way more important to me than either how much money he had, or didn’t have. I do handle the money in the family though. </p>
<p>My kids also graduated with no student debt. It would never occur to me to ask if the people they dated had any. That would be last on my list of important criteria in a mate. To each his own.</p>
<p>When I met Mr. Ellebud he had just finished law school. He wore truly dreadful clothes and drove a datsun. We had been dating for 5 months when he had to go to the valley to his parents’ house to pick up something.</p>
<p>I knew what his father did for a living…sort of. We started going into a neighborhood where the houses were large and impressive. We drove up to a hugh electric gate and were buzzed in. </p>
<p>Point is that you can run a d and b on a family and you know nothing. Money rolls in and money rolls out…it is the character that counts. </p>
<p>And if the marriage works you don’t want to make an enemy of your future in law. And if the marriage doesn’t work your kid can say thank you for sticking by me.</p>
<p>My point was that credit rating means NOTHING when it comes to how good a parent, or step-parent, or PERSON someone is. OF course I tell my kids to make good financial decisions and to watch their credit ratings. BUT-life happens. </p>
<p>My H didn’t plan on being orphaned at 17 and having to pay his own way through school. I didn’t plan on my ex leaving me and taking me to the cleaners. And I’m sure there are plenty of other reasons that people end up with debt they didn’t expect to have. It just seems odd to preclude an entire group of potential mates over this. </p>
<p>And I’m guessing that smaller companies or local branches of larger ones are where the vast majority of the everyday Jane and Jim work-and THEY aren’t the ones running credit checks.</p>
<p>Glad my mom didn’t run one on my dad. His credit was ruined during his divorce from his first wife. He’s been an amazing father and husband for 20+ years. I have a lot of friends that are jealous of my relationship with him. </p>
<p>Run my sister’s credit and it’s absolutely horrendous. Her mom took out a lot of credit cards in her name and defaulted on them, unbeknownst to my sister. Just running a credit check, you might never know that she makes good money, has never missed a payment, and has no significant debt (just a car loan). She’s been disputing the cards taken out by her mom for a while but that’s a whole other story.</p>
<p>If he’s good to her and she’s good to him, they’re good for each other, and they can make it last then the money is secondary. Really, it is. At least IMO. I’ve lived with the super rich and the super poor. Family and love can never be replaced by dollars.</p>
<p>“Family and love can never be replaced by dollars.” </p>
<p>YES! Exactly! I’ve been poor and I’ve been wealthy, and a nice house and nice clothes and good food and fancy vacations but an unhappy relationship, can’t hold a candle to being loved and cared for. I wouldn’t go back to my empty life of wealth if I could.</p>
<p>I KNOW people with less than good credit working in chain stores and restaurants that anyone in the US would recognize. I also know people in all manner of local businesses. They DID NOT have credit checks when they were hired. There are many jobs where credit just isn’t germane to the work. </p>
<p>This isn’t about minimum wage jobs though. This is about debt-and how people should filter out those with debt before getting romantically involved with them.</p>
<p>My d’s boyfriend had family difficulties that put him in a terrible financial situation. Whether I adored him or not, I would still tell my daughter that if she marries him, she should seek the advice of a financial advisor to minimize the consequences of his terrible credit rating, large debt and multiple judgments. Love is wonderful, but reality even bites the most wonderful people and I think it’s wise to know what you are getting into and to understand things like interest rates and how they relate. Plus, if a guy is a deadbeat about debt, I would wonder if he would be a deadbeat in other ways.</p>
<p>I doubt most people would have thought my H would be financially successful when I met him and for several years after. I knew he was successful as a good person who loved me. Turns out, he has been very successful in life, but I would have been fine with it if not. He’s a great Dad too. We’d have made the money work. We’ve loved both of my son’s girlfriends but would never interfere. As someone else said, unless there’s abuse or someone is being grossly taken advantage of by the SO, I’d stay out of it. OP, the BF who is expected to contribute to his own education may end up with a very strong work ethic that will stay with him for life. </p>
<p>So much can happen in the next few years. One of my friends liked her d’s BF but wasn’t feeling like he was “the one” but she accepted him with open arms and came to love him. Her D and SO are happily married. If she ends up being the more ambitious of the two, maybe he can do more childcare and housework. Another friend was heartbroken when her son broke up with a wonderful woman after 5 years of engagement, but she held her tongue. It was his relationship, not hers. Although, by that point the SO sure can feel like a family member!</p>
<p>OP–better to come here and kick this around. That’s what I did when I was getting frustrated with my son about college apps. Better than driving him crazy! I always get good input here.</p>
<p>zoosermom–one of my friends had such a lot of debt from grad school that she insisted that her second H-to-be meet with her and a financial advisor so he would know “the score”. I do think it is good to go into things with eyes wide open.</p>
<p>Zoosermom-not all “deadbeats” got that way because they are irresponsible. One day I was living in a huge house with access to three nice cars, a very large bank account and didn’t have to lift a finger to work. A year later I was a single mom on a very small salary with an ex who decided that he didn’t need to pay me a dime. My lawyer was as good as I could afford, which wasn’t much, and the judgement showed it. It took me YEARS to get out from under all the bills and to settle things with my ex. </p>
<p>I didn’t WANT to miss payments, but I did. I didn’t want to sell my stuff to make sure I had food, either. I wasn’t in a position to be as “responsible” as I “should” have been. I was honest with my H when we met, as he was honest with me about his education debt. It’s all good now.</p>
<p>Sseamom, the young man I was referring to in terms of debt, judgments and bad credit actually is a deadbeat. Some people are victimized through no fault of their own and do their best to do the right thing. That is not true of everyone.</p>