<p>We don’t let our sons sleep in the same room with their girlfriends. So our rule is simple, and based on how we acted when we were in college and the two of us visited either’s parents: </p>
<p>Sneak around! Its more fun that way anyhow!</p>
<p>I understood the point of Donna’s post, which I appreciated and please correct me if I’m wrong, was that some couples don’t necessarily have the option of marriage. Well, maybe if they go out of state or out of the country, but then what do you do? Go by your state laws, or the laws of their state? Also, I have friends who haven’t married for political reasons, or personal reasons of which I know no details. I am not considering anyone’s marital status to really be my business these days.</p>
<p>In my house, I put together couples who live together… except when I have guests I know have separate bedrooms in their own home, which I will only know if I have stayed with them previously. When this happens I make up two adjoining rooms and say “here is the guest space”. I leave it to them to decide one room or two. I don’t say anything about them having separate rooms at home.</p>
<p>When my kids brought home friends from college, and everyone still lived in the dorm, I did my best to give everyone their own space and then followed the Edwardian house party model alluded to in the original article.</p>
<p>My kids had so few sleepovers in high school that it wasn’t an issue and there were no significant others at that point in time. I did follow the sending condoms with kids going out of town when you weren’t sure there would be a drugstore around model, also in original article.</p>
<p>A lot of what is discussed upthread seems much more about bad manners than sex to me.</p>
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<p>^^^^^^LOL.</p>
<p>When I was young and dating, I would not have wanted to sleep together in my parents’ house. It would have seemed weird and awkward. But come to think of it, I’ve never slept at my parents’ house since I’ve been married. We live close enough that it’s never been necessary.</p>
<p>“A lot of what is discussed upthread seems much more about bad manners than sex to me.” </p>
<p>I agree. We have a finished basement with a separate entrance, and when my adult kids were staying here they were allowed overnight opposite-sex guests. They’re adults and they always asked first. Teenagers, not allowed, though I can say with some certainty that it likely happened when I wasn’t there with one kiddo. This was mostly a “small-house, thin walls” issue.</p>
<p>We’ll like have the same rule for the youngest, for the same reason, although different house. We’ve kept an open dialogue about birth control, sex, pregnancy, responsibilities, etc. so that my hope would be that IF she does decide to have sex as a teen she will also be responsible. I was a teen and had 4 siblings, I’m not naive enough to think that if it’s banned in MY house it will never, ever happen elsewhere. </p>
<p>I would have no problem with unmarried visiting adults and their SO’s sleeping together. And the idea that one would tell a gay couple that they required separate rooms because they can’t get married is just cruel, imo. Although, at least in my state that’s no longer the case. I suspect, though, that people who disallow any unmarried sex of any kind wouldn’t be that welcoming to gay couples in the first place.</p>
<p>My parents have a simple rule: no sharing a bedroom with someone to whom you are not married. This includes fiance(e)s and long-term significant others. </p>
<p>If that rule bothered me, I would do what actual adults do: get a hotel room in town. But it seems strange to proclaim one’s maturity and independence by demanding lodging, under your own terms, in your parents’ home.</p>
<p>(As for gay couples: it is legal in every state to have a religious ceremony or a commitment ceremony. That the government does not also endorse the union is little reason to not make that commitment, if the couple so wants, and there is nothing irrational about parents pointing out that their son and his boyfriend have yet to commit to the fullest extent possible.)</p>
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<p>actual adults don’t need to get a hotel room if they come visit me. We have two guest rooms, specifically so people don’t have to get a hotel room. Why should people pay for a hotel room when we have two guest rooms? In many major metropolitan areas, hotel rooms are prohibitively expensive and could keep someone from traveling.</p>
<p>We never stayed at my H’s folks’ home, so it was not an issue. He never stayed at my folks’ home, so that wasn’t an issue either. I lived alone, so we could do what we chose at my place. Our kids have not had any overnite visitors, so this has not yet been an issue (they’re now 23 and 25 years old). Am not sure it will ever become an issue.</p>
<p>Teriwtt: the point is that it is laughably ironic for kids to twitter about being so grown-up and adult while refusing to act like adults. Likewise, that you may be willing to do something does not mean that children have a right to impose the same on their own parents. </p>
<p>Kind of an obvious point, dontchya think? ;)</p>
<p>(For the record, I am according my parents the same respect they accorded me as a child. They are both divorced and remarried, but there were no premarital sleepovers when I was growing up. If they could, as grown adults, avoid getting it on for my sake, I can do the same for them. Flame away - I know how CCers deal with any suggestion that sexual morality might do some good.)</p>
<p>" Flame away - I know how CCers deal with any suggestion that sexual morality might do some good.)"</p>
<p>Such a mature unchildlike response.</p>
<p>My guess is that your divorced parents were having sleepover guests while you were at the other parent’s house like many do. Interesting that they are divorced, sine many heavily invested in “morality” are against divorce for any reason.</p>
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What even?</p>
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I agree with this. Bringing different girls/guys every night? Audible “play times”. Each household can have their different rules of who can and cannot have sex and when and where, but have some dignity and respect for who’s in the house.</p>
<p>My rules were and are not so etched in stone that some exceptions could not be made as the occassion arose. Gay couples who had a commitment ceremony, would fall under the married category. Once my kids are all out of the house, and that time is coming, I think my rules might be more selective. When you have kids and multiple others in a house, some rules are made consistent just to avoid issues and unpleasantries. </p>
<p>My oldest is in his 30s now and my brothers are all married, but there were times when some of my family just did not exercise good judgment and allowing any of them to have any guests over anytime was just asking for trouble. You have to know your cast of characters in these situations.</p>
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<p>No… not obvious. </p>
<p>Where’s the imposition??? I would always prefer that anyone visiting from out of town stay with us as opposed to a hotel; it’s the main reason we converted their bedrooms into warm, welcoming guest rooms. By the way, my kids are 24 and almost 27… not kids anymore; they are grown adults. And the 24-year old does not tweet about her sex life, no matter where it is happening - her place or ours. You’re making a lot of assumptions (and generalizations) about people and relationships that you have no knowledge of.</p>
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<p>My parents had a similar rule … and I respected it.</p>
<p>As a 27 year old adult with a live-in life partner to whom I was committed but not planning to marry I also had rules. I only visited and stayed with those who would treat my partner with the respect she deserved.</p>
<p>I respected my parents rules and wishes … and visited a lot less often than I has before Mom3ToGo entered my life and when we visited we headed home at night instead of staying over in town. </p>
<p>Eventually my parents asked me about my visiting so much less … and we had a discussion about the rules conflict. Two sets of adults working through differing positions.</p>
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<p>I could not possibly agree more. I always feel sorry for parents who are so intimidated by their offspring that they are willing to compromise their principles. It’s my house and frankly, no one whose name isn’t on the deed gets a vote in these matters.</p>
<p>For all the issues and problems I;ve had with family members, this has never come up, by the way. No one ever made even a comment about the sleeping arrangements in my house. So any potential problems were side stepped. I wouldn’t swear for a moment that there wasn’t any sneaking around going on, but I certainly did not catch wind of any, but then I wasn’t on any stakeouts either. I didn’t make it a big deal rule thing either. It was just presented as the way I had the sleeping arrangements set up, and that was it. We have had a lot of controverises and arguments and issues over time, but this was never one of them.</p>
<p>And I;ve had no problems about other people’s rules when we have visited. If there appears to be any issues, I’ll get a hotel room.</p>
<p>I think we need to better clarify our standards here. After re-reading the article, yes, it does seem they are talking about teenagers sleeping together in a teen’s bedroom. H and I would have never allowed that in our house. However, I think there’s a big difference between teenagers and young adults who are launched. Also, we are located in the Midwest and each daughter is located on a different coast. When they come to visit, we want them to stay with us (like I said, that’s how we feel about any guest we have); when they do come, it’s often for almost a week, which would add up at a hotel; they would also have to rent a car to get back and forth between our house and the hotel, which would add up. </p>
<p>FWIW… when my kids were in high school, we hosted several lock-ins, either after proms, or related to cast parties. The reason we did this? Because we wanted to know our kids’ friends, where they were, and what they were doing. At these lock-ins, we always insisted on boys down in the basement and girls upstairs. We also collected keys as people arrived (although I have since learned that some teenagers will bypass this safety feature and just bring two sets of keys… one to hand to the host, and one to keep in case they want to leave). Back in those days, I was a night owl and staying up was not an issue for me; whatever time it became obvious that the majority of people wanted to go to sleep, we separated the kids by gender (again, boys in the basement, and girls upstairs), and I planted myself at the top of the stairs that led to the basement. H (who is NOT a night owl, and who regularly wakes up very early) would go to bed early, and wake up early to relieve me, sometime around 5-6AM, and I would then go to sleep and sleep until noon or so. </p>
<p>In hosting these kinds of parties, (and it only happened maybe once or twice a year), we were able to enforce rules we valued, as opposed to our kids going to lock-ins at other houses where perhaps the parents weren’t as strict or diligent in their chaperoning. The kids always knew the rules prior to coming, and if they didn’t agree with them, they didn’t come. But our kids knew that we did not allow same-sex sleepovers, no matter what the circumstances.</p>
<p>Niquii77-you know the saying, “What God has joined together let no man put asunder.” Any number of denominations do not support divorce because it is “immoral”.</p>
<p>I used to counsel battered women. In the process I met one who stayed married to someone who beat her regularly for decades because her pastor told her that he would not support a divorce, that she must learn to live with it. I have a friend now who’s being emotionally abused and whose children are being emotionally abused by the husband/father. She is an evangelical Christian who does not believe in divorce, so she sits there watching her blood pressure rise and her teenage daughter get belittled for being fat because she “can’t” divorce the guy.</p>
<p>So I’m a little leery of people who thinking sleeping together before marriage is some terrible thing. There’s a lot worse out there that their “values” don’t seem to care about.</p>
<p>As a teenager, I’ve never (and would never) have sex in my mom’s house. The thought of your family hearing you or walking in on you (that’s if you’re careless enough to leave the door unlocked), is really unpleasant. Besides my mom would never allow it since she’s a very devout catholic. But premarital sex is a different issue for a different thread :p.</p>
<p>No child of mine will “shack up” in my house. I have four daughters and no boy will be sleeping under my roof except me. I just can’t understand how a parent could allow such behavior in their home.</p>
<p>Excluding the conversation on teens, I have to say I’m a little surprised by some of the comments here. Allegedly marriage is becoming far less common as people prefer to remain in committed relationships without “the deed.” Yet most here are saying they would not allow people well into adulthood to share a room in their home. “That behavior” is apparently very very bad… and people who think otherwise have no “sexual morality.”</p>
<p>I would bet that even most married couples don’t have sex in guest rooms of people whom they are visiting, for reasons like lack of privacy, thin walls, etc. Yet many here could not even tolerate the concept of two grown adults who sleep together at home actually just sleeping together in their house because that is immoral if they are not married. </p>
<p>I’m not necessarily appalled by this idea, just surprised by it.</p>