NY Times: Sex in a Teenager's Room

Parent Cafe
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<p>Nrdsb4, I agree. I also think that more parents allow their late-teen friends to sleep with their boy/girlfriends in their own beds than are willing to admit. It’s like allowing toddlers or preschoolers to sleep in their parents’ bed. Many parents do it but few will admit it for fear of criticism from their peers.</p>

<p>Not saying I would allow it; I just don’t know. But my kid is still in high school and only 17. Also we live in a small apartment and there is not much privacy no matter what, so I don’t think she’d ask.</p>

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The thing is, to a parent that has chosen certain limitations for their child, they do not care that marriage is becoming “less common”. It’s their child. Their rules. </p>

<p>I can understand if they don’t have their child and their SO sleep in the same room. I, too, don’t see the problem with a family friend (or family) and their SO to sleep in the same room if that is their common arrangement. I just haven’t seen a poster sat they wouldn’t let any unmarked couple sleep in the same bed. Although, I must admit, I have not read every post in this thread.</p>

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<p>There are those on this thread that outright would forbid this, and have gone so far as to say that parents who allow it are being intimidated by their children.</p>

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<p>Niquii, it might be an idea to read the entire thread. Here are some comments related to what you’ve said:</p>

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<p>And that’s just on the first page of the thread.</p>

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<p>OK- I’ll bite. First off I’ll assume thats a typo as I am not familiar with a “unmarked couple” and the possibilities are making me chuckle. </p>

<p>Second, here ya go. Both s’s and their gfs came to visit recently. Neither is married or even engaged. S#1 lives with his gf. Younger s has been dating his gf for almost 2 years. Both s’s are out of school, employed and independent, if that matters. One couple stayed in one guestroom, the other in the other guestroom. One got stuck on a sofabed (whcih despite an extra foam matress pad and thich matress cover may not have been the most comfortable). I think they would find it gross to have relations in mom and dads house, but dunno.</p>

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No, I’m good. You already quoted some. :p</p>

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<p>This was easy at our house. In HS, no way. In college or after if DS was in a committed relationship they had discussed with us then we left the sleeping arrangements to them when they visited. </p>

<p>Before everyone turned in the first night I took DS aside and said “if you hear any noises coming from our bedroom tonight please ignore them.” The horrified look on his face was priceless. Then the light bulb went on and he said “I get it”. Never had an issue.</p>

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<p>LOL–when I read the title, I thought this thread was about us parents having sex in our teenagers’ rooms–after they’ve left for college, of course. :wink: (I guess that would be in the “What to do with an empty nest” thread.)</p>

<p>(I don’t allow unmarried romantic partners to sleep over.)</p>

<p>Carry on.</p>

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<p>I think the very thought of that would traumatize most teenagers for life.</p>

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<p>Our house has a LOT of bedrooms. . .Oh, the possibilities!</p>

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<p>In high school it would never have happened at my house. In college I operated the same way as Iron Maiden but my caution to DD wasn’t nearly as smooth.

Love it. :)</p>

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<p>Ok. I’ll be the vocal minority. I slept at my boyfriend’s house in high school and he slept w me at mine and it was the same for all my friends. Flash forward , in our socia l circle now it’s the norm for GF /BF 's 17 or older to sleep at each other’s houses. However, I certainly do not want to hear anything! That’s why god invented large houses.</p>

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<p>Priceless… wish you’d shared this story earlier, though; would have come in handy last month when D2 and her boyfriend visited. It’s almost worth paying them to come back again, just so I can use that line and see her face! Don’t know when they’ll both be here again, unfortunately.</p>

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<p>No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that given that more liberal attitudes are evolving regarding viewing marriage as no longer the only “right” way to maintain a long term, committed relationship, I’m surprised not to see more of that attitude here. To read this thread, I’d almost think it was written in a different era. Of course I know that more traditional viewpoints are still alive and well, I just thought that other ways of looking at it were more prevalent than displayed here. It wasn’t a judgment of right or wrong viewpoints, just surprised at the strong predominance of one point of view when discussing adults, not teens.</p>

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<p>" I’d almost think it was written in a different era."</p>

<p>I was surprised the first time this type of topic came up too. I mean, of the two pastors I know well, both have or had unmarried adult kids in their early 20’s living with or traveling with a partner of the opposite sex and welcome the partner into their homes with kindness. I realize that’s not the same as letting them bunk together in their parents’ home but it seems far more open than some of the opinions here.</p>

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<p>I’ve been on CC a long time–I’m also surprised at the number of more conservative views expressed on this particular thread. I think it is just an anomaly–a couple weeks ago I was “attacked” for expressing the same view (“No unmarried romantic partners staying in my home.”) </p>

<p>From the article: "But the greater dividend of his stay was that it gave Ms. Collins’s three younger adolescent children a view of committed love that far surpassed most of what they had seen from adults. Ms. Collins said, “I hope they won’t settle for less.” "</p>

<p>I’m surprised at this–makes my head spin, tbh. The fact that I still have several younger children in the house is one of the main reasons that I would NOT want the older ones BFs/GFs sleeping over/moving in. I think it is a bad example. (A couple years later, “But MOM, you let Sister’s BF move in. . .why not MINE?” Mom: “That was different, she was 17, you’re only 16. And her BF was nice. Yours is an addict.”)</p>

<p>IMO the relationship mentioned in the article (allowing high school boyfriend to move in with the family) is not really an example of “committed love.” It is just “playing house” while mom pays the bills. The “success” of this relationship is dependent on one thing: effective birth control. What would happen if the daughter got pregnant in this situation?
(This happened to my cousin’s D, whose mom allowed the BF to move in. The mom had relationship/sexual “issues” herself–which makes me suspicious of any parent who would encourage this. In fact, I wonder where “MR. Collins”, the girl’s dad, was in all this decision making? I say this because my cousin’s (ex) wife was a single mother. I think a DAD would be much less likely to allow his high school D to sleep with her BF in his house. The fact that Ms. Collins suggests that her kids haven’t seen loving/committed relationships among the adults in their lives makes me wonder if she herself is divorced/has relationship issues, and is living vicariously through her D. I admit that all this is pure speculation about the Collins family, but because of what happened with my cousin’s D, I noticed this and it makes me wonder if the same type of thing is going on.) In the end, the young couple in the article were so committed that they decided to go to different colleges.</p>

<p>There is a big difference between an engaged couple, who are out of college, working, wedding date set, etc. and a couple of high school kids. Pregnancy happens. For a high school couple, that would be a much bigger issue than for an older, engaged couple. Not committed enough to have/raise a child together? Not committed enough for sex, imo.</p>

<p>I wonder if some of the polarization of opinions on this is geographic? (Obviously there are religious and social differences, too.) Where I live (midwest, conservative suburb) I can’t even imagine any sane, decent, parents who would allow/approve/encourage this (high schoolers moving in).</p>

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<p>Reading these comments have definitely been interesting! </p>

<p>Question though, if any of you have kids with significant others going on vacation do you prohibit them from sharing a room there too, or is it only under your roof? </p>

<p>Fwiw I’m in that young adult phase, and I’ve had a boyfriend come home to visit with me and shared my room with him, and I can’t imagine having sex under my roof with my parents there- bleck. We even have a big house with no sharing walls and it’s still a freaky thought.</p>

<p>My sister and her boyfriend have been dating for close to 6.5 years and it’s such a ~different~ concept that they wouldn’t share a room when visiting. I know his parents don’t allow it, and they’ve expressly said that’s why they don’t go to visit them often.</p>

<p>I grew up in a household where it was more of a “we’d rather you be under our roof and us know what you’re doing/who you’re with than for you to be sneaking around on us”</p>

<p>I totally recognize that this isn’t how it works for everyone, or even a majority but it definitely worked for us, and I’ll most likely do the same with my children</p>

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<p>atomom, the median age for first intercourse in this country is 17. They can do it in a car, they can do it in someone’s house when parents aren’t home, etc., etc. But even if they are in conservative midwestern communities, the chances are that they do it, and hopefully they know enough about contraception to make pregnancy very unlikely. Furthermore, throughout this country young women still have the right to choose to end an accidental pregnancy.</p>

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<p>Yes, oldmom. None of the pregnant teens from the good families in nice conservative neighborhoods and Christian churches lived with their SO or got to have sleepovers. They got pregnant by having sex wherever they happened to be. That doesn’t mean I would encourage teen sleepovers, but I don’t think that saying no or even forbidding sex and birth control is going to stop a determined couple. </p>

<p>And I’m pretty sure some sane, decent parents allow sleepovers with NO pregnancy happening. Absolutes are usually not really absolute after all.</p>

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<p>I read the NY Times article yesterday and thought WOW, times are changing, my mother would have killed both of us with kitchen implements if I slept with my boyfriend at home.</p>

<p>I woke up pretty early this AM to go to work and my 18 yr. old daughter had fallen asleep with her boyfriend on the couch after watching late TV - a first occurrence. Discovered as I walked through to let dogs out. Thank heavens they were clothed. I said “Oh, what a surprise”</p>

<p>So I felt very suave as I suggested he could move into the guest bedroom to get a little more rest/shower/leave. We have a guest bedroom thank heaven. </p>

<p>But still awkward. I did not reach for kitchen implements though.</p>