A few week ago there was a thread about entertaining. I commented that I am always insecure about entertaining because I feel my house isn’t clean enough.
Quite a few people told me that they wouldn’t judge and that in fact they don’t notice what another’s house looks like. That I should just entertain and people will be thrilled about having an invite.
Then threads like this come up and I fear that I am correct. People notice and people judge. Not just my mother.
I have enough I feel like a failure. I don’t need another one.
I believe most people notice and many judge. Fortunately, most people have decency not to say it out loud, at least, not to the host.
I am not neat but adequately organized. Our house is not neatly organized. We have “stuff” but it is clean and lived-in. Some of my friends’ homes are neat and organized. Some are not.
A few of my friends are are so organized that every spice bottle is alphabetized in order and every item in their freezers are labeled. I am convinced that those friends suffer from OCD. They need such organization to keep their anxiety in check and their worlds in order.
Would I want to be more organized? Of course. Would I want get rid of many items we have accumulated over the years? Definitely. I have slowly worked on it. Meanwhile, I am comfortable with inviting selected friends to hang out with me at my home.
I agree with those who note that the pictures in the article are the problem. They do not depict “messy,” they depict downright squalor, huge difference in my book. I’m very comfortable in my friends’ homes that are not organized (stuff on counters, un/opened mail/magazines/papers laying around, dusty furniture, tabletops that need clearing, etc.), BUT having to pick one’s way over clothing, toys, and garbage on the floor? No. But I can’t imagine anyone who lives like that attempting to entertain guests. Where would they put them? Comfy and lived-in is fine and elicits no judgement. Squalor is in a whole 'nother category.
I guess I have a lot to say today on this subject.
When you are insecure about the state of your house, it’s hard to figure out what is messy and not judged and what others consider squalid. At what point would your house go over the edge to be too messy? For me, it’s kinda like body dysmorphia.
I wouldn’t even say that my house at this point is that messy. But I also don’t want to keep it ready for drop in visitors at all times clean either.
I’ve been thinking about @Colorado_mom talking about her dad’s wife. Who couldn’t wait even a morning with a coat on a chair. I have a child whose spouse is very adverse to clutter. And how stressful it is to be there. I’m always afraid that I’ve left a knife on the sink or inadvertently left my coat in the wrong place. I personally think it’s no way to live either. Who cares about a dish in the sink? Isn’t it more about making your guests (or the other people living in the house) comfortable in your home? This child of mine also has ADHD, isn’t that messy in my eyes but it’s always a source of stress for the couple. Which kinda bleeds into guests who visit also.
I’m not advocating for a messy house but I’m also wondering about somewhere in the middle. And where that lies? I’m aware I’m getting a bit off topic.
It lies somewhere between not being able to walk on the floor or find an empty seat to the host waiting napkin in hand in case you drop a crumb. Anywhere between those two and I don’t judge.
It’s not always fun to have the habit of wanting most things in order. To feel a bing of anxiety or wanting to pick up when my kids come home and drop all their coats on a bench just a few feet from the coat closet or to kick there shoes off and toss them under said bench. For the record I do let these things go when they are home for a few days…unless I know more people are coming and maybe someone needs that bench to sit and take off their shoes or whatever !
Many of us are a product of fear of being judged for our home spaces. For some, for clutter or messiness. For some, the mental expectation that things should be ideal when people are coming over. Both are hard. And we can even judge each other. Someone might judge me for wanting a “company ready” home and I might judge someone for not wanting that (I don’t think I do unless it’s really out of hand!)
Story: my daughter who has a friend married with two young children who might have a home that looks similar to the one in the article - at least one room! I’ll never forget when D and SIL went over to this friends house to water the plants while they were on vacation and daughter said it was clear they left for vacation in a hurry…. The printer was balancing on the rack of the open dishwasher!!!
I’m not expecting perfection in terms of neatness and cleanliness and it can be annoying to be at someone’s house where they’re following you with a broom and dustpan and as someone above said. “holding a napkin in case you drop a crumb.” On the other hand I wouldn’t want to visit someone’s house where you’re having to step over stuff all over the floor to move around or can’t find a place to sit or put your drink because every surface has stuff on it or you can tell the garbage can hasn’t been emptied for weeks and the dishes haven’t been done for a long time…
Also, like someone stated above, I don’t mind comfy and lived in, with a bit of clutter.
I may have said this before, but I once had a “friend” come over to my home, and run her finger across my dining room sideboard, to see if I’d dusted lately. Same friend decided I wasn’t her real friend because I didn’t compliment her enough. I am similar to you - I worry my home isn’t clean enough, and it makes me somewhat uneasy.
I will say that getting divorced helped me lighten up on needing everything to be CLEAN all the time. When I had to pick between spending time with my kids (and friends, etc.) and worrying about the place being spotless, I decided if they weren’t happy they could choose not to come back. It really helped me “lighten up.”
