NYT: The Opt Out Generation Continued

Parent Cafe
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<p><a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/11/magazine/the-opt-out-generation-wants-back-in.html?pagewanted=all[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/11/magazine/the-opt-out-generation-wants-back-in.html?pagewanted=all&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I’ve been (mostly) lurking here for over a year. I have really benefited from the perspectives of the long time posters here and would like to read your perspective on this article. My kids were born in '94 and '98 and I rode the wave of opt out moms. I am an over-educated under-employed women who is trying to find my way back into a meaningful career. I would love to hear about your experiences (both women and men).</p>

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<p>I opted out when my daughter was born in 94. Once she started full time school (first grade), I worked part-time on and off for various places. I also volunteered heavily for both the local library and the PTO. I quit my part-time job when she started filing college applications (this stress combined with some family illnesses made quitting the right choice.) My idea was to find a job once she started college - I am starting a new part-time job today - a couple of weeks before my daughter starts her sophomore year at college. Although I looked - nothing came along last year - my first empty next year.</p>

<p>My husband and I recently estimated the money that my not working full time during these 19 years cost us and it was quite a lot. However, I would not trade the time spent raising my daughter for any amount of money.</p>

<p>I have no desire to find full-time employment and enter the rat-race ever again. Working part-time even with an empty nest is a perfect solution - allowing me to still volunteer, visit my daughter whenever I want, and enjoy my hobbies (reading and college confidential!)</p>

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<p>I was struck by the words “over educated under employed” in the original post. Technology and the dynamics and knowledge base of the work force in general has changed dramatically in the thirty some years I’ve been working. No one can drop out for ten years or more and expect to drop back in where they left out. The knowledge base is just not there. I think it’s one of the reasons men and women should if at all possible keep there fingers in something if at all possible that keeps there skill levels up to speed if they intend to drop back in when the kids head off to wherever. </p>

<p>It’s not really about being over educated and under employed it’s about being educated but lacking current market skills to drop into an industry at some preconceived point with a large resume gap. I have a great deal of empathy for women that need to do that. But over time, just like with new college graduates, women with the strength, knowledge and skills will propel themselves to where ever it is they want to go. </p>

<p>Networking is absolutely the way to successfully find jobs these days. A person attempting to drop back in to the workforce would also be well served by having a heart to heart with a recruiter who recruits in the industry targeted. The recruiters will know what skill sets are needed and what the competition is really like for the targeted job and industry. A recruiter could also make some suggestions about how to pick up any needed skills if there are skill gaps in the resume.</p>

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<p>I was hoping someone would start a thread on this article. Quite a few of my friends opted out and some of them re-entered the workforce after their kids started college. I doubt any of them make as much money as they might have. Most interesting to me is my friend who never really used her law degree until she was in her mid-50s and opened a very small private practice. It took several years to break even on overhead costs, but she sure enjoyed herself. Now in her early-60s, she is finally actually making a profit and doesn’t plan to ever retire.</p>

<p>I never really opted in. I almost opted in after my kids went to college, but decided to go another direction.</p>

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<p>I opted out when my third child was born in 1998. The next year, my husband and I started our own “mom and pop” engineering consulting company. I helped out as needed, so it was ideal. I could earn extra money by doing AutoCAD drafting for local companies. I love doing that - it’s like playing video games to me. BUT now the industry is moving towards 3D “building information modeling.” The program is horrid - badly written and frustrating as heck (it was first used for architects, and structural engineering is a different animal!) . I got some training and have done a couple of short-term stints for a company. The skill is in demand since not many people know how to do it. It’s been a year or two, though, and I’m rusty. I actually turned down one project because they needed it “yesterday,” and I didn’t think it was fair to them to have me bumbling around with the software.</p>

<p>Bottom line: I have to get my act together and get up to speed on this program. I keep procrastinating because I hate it so much. But we are in dire financial straits and my family needs me to be productive. Blech.</p>

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<p>Thank you all for your replies!</p>

<p>I agree with momofthreeboys and would love to hear some stories of productive networking. My past life was on a different coast and in a different field than the one I want to enter. Like kiddie, I have done quite a bit of volunteer work over the years and some random part time work, but I am having trouble using the connections I have made. I actually gave up volunteering almost two years ago in large part because my husband thought I was wasting my time and I should just get a job. I’ve applied for some positions over that time and used my connections to some extent, but I feel awkward going back to those people more than once or twice. I’m thinking about really ramping up my volunteer work this fall in an effort to update my data skills and get myself in front of more people who are in a position to hire. I am interested in working with a nonprofit or in education policy so they can use the volunteers, I’m just not sure that path is likely to lead to a paid position.</p>

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<p>being a physician- opting out was not an option - you have to account for 30 days absence on your medical license. that said i condensed my days (9-3 five days a week and minimal on call) when the kids were little and kept both feet in the field. as they grew older i was more ‘full time’ (8-5 and on call). i have know women who left to raise their kids and had to retrain in residency- not something i wish on anyone. momofthree talked about knowledge base.</p>

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<p>Re: networking and this goes for kids as well as drop-back-in folks;</p>

<p>If you are re-entering the workforce get your resume reviewed by someone with current recruiting knowledge. There is advice on the internet for free. Lots of companies especially larger ones have resumes scanned by lower level employees. They are given some terms, positions, etc. to look for and they sift through piles of resumes. Really. Small companies not so much, but large companies yes. Hint, the world has been reduced to bullet points in the last thirty years so get those bullet points concise and to the point. If you have job titles on your resume that are no longer relevant make sure you to use “current” language to describe your position. There are positions that no longer exist in business and industry…</p>

<p>Tell every single person you know that you are job hunting. Tell them what you want to do or what you are looking for. Everybody knows people. Join any industry groups or job specific groups that exist in your area if you can afford it. Get your Linkedin profile up to date. Refriend co-workers you knew decades ago. It’s fun and it’s easy and doesn’t require an enormous amount of time. Many HR and recruiters really do look at Linkedin. I get calls and e-mails all the time from recruiters wondering “do you know someone blah, blah, blah.” I just supported an application from a recruiter (who just happened to shoot me an e-mail because of linkedin) for a young mid-career woman I know and worked with years ago, who told me she was looking for a job. She got the offer last Friday.</p>

<p>Contact recruiters that recruit at the level you are seeking. Even companies like Manpower and Kelly have executive recruiting divisions. For example Manpower has a division called Right Management.</p>

<p>If you hear or find an opening, use Linkedin to find someone you know that can boost your name and resume in Human Resources.</p>

<p>Know that the old rule of thumb of one month job searching for each $10,000 in salary can now be more like 1-3 months of active job searching for each $10,000 in desired salary. So plan for this so you don’t lose steam or get discouraged.</p>

<p>If you need to plug some current job skills into your resume, consider contract work. There are recruiters that specialize in filling positions on contract/consultant and the pay is often going-rate. Lots of companies hire contract/consultant employees at the end of their contract. The barrier to entry is often easier because the employer can break the contract if you don’t work out. The recruiting companies will often let you buy group insurance and some have 401K plans. I know people who make a career out of contract work. </p>

<p>Consider fringe industries. For example if you are considering healthcare there are many industries that are tangential to a healthcare system, volunteer and paid, and it “gets” that industry on your resume. Employers like people who can walk the talk and lingo if their industry. </p>

<p>If you blind apply for positions if they are actively hiring and interested you’ll hear back from them fairly quickly. Not all employers even acknowledge blind resumes. No news generally means no go. It’s OK to follow up if you are seriously interested AND you are seriously qualified just to make sure a lower level employee didn’t mis-read your resume (see my first point about having a really clean and to the point resume…)</p>

<p>Use aggregate websites like Indeed to get a general idea of what is happening in your targeted industry or job. Make your resume match (truthfully) the language employers are using to describe “your” job and the qualifications and use the postings to understand how your targeted industry or company is organized. </p>

<p>If you are going the volunteer route, make you you are volunteering doing something related to what you want to do and do your best to work at a level in the organization - most beneficially with local donors, businesses, etc. so you can keep meeting people and networking. It’s awful nice to drop a resume in to a company and shoot an e-mail to someone you “worked” with as a volunteer and give them a heads up. If shaking hands and small business talk is no longer comfortable and you always find yourself in the corner at social gathering talking to other people just like you, work the room and practice, practice, practice small talk. You don’t need to ask people for a job, just engage. It will help when you do get interviews.</p>

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<p>I dropped out of practicing law mostly for about 10 years, when the kids were born and then in grade school. I volunteered heavily at the school–fund raising, class parent, PTA president, etc. </p>

<p>I worked a few weeks for a friend who was stuck when her law clerk went on maternity. I then applied and was hired as a special ed hearing officer which I did part time for four years. I then was a part time judge for four years. </p>

<p>In 2007, started a nonprofit public health organization I’ve been running ever since. It has been an interesting journey and I’ve loved most of it. I make my own hours and wear most of the hats for our org, and am now on the national board as well. </p>

<p>I’ve loved that I have had a great deal of flexibility in my hours for my jobs, which was very important for being able to travel and get to MD appointments for me and the kids. Yes, I didn’t make nearly as much money as I COULD have, but have loved this interesting journey and we were always able to make as much money as we NEEDED to make for the household. H agrees that my flexibility allowed him to throw himself into work he loved, knowing I’d get me and the kids the med care needed, adjusting my hours. </p>

<p>H is now retired and I am still running my nonprofit, but have the flexibility to choose my hours and level of commitment. It’s still a lot of fun for me and very rewarding (even if the pay isn’t as high as I might wish).</p>

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<p>Opted out in 1990 and have never regretted it for a second.</p>

<p>Every time I flirt with the idea of returning to paid employment, something happens to make me pause and think, “How in the world would we handle this if I was working?” </p>

<p>We don’t need the second income, and the flexibility of having someone available to deal with the “stuff” of everyday life makes all of our lives that much less stressful.</p>

<p>(I say this as someone married to a career military officer, so we have had moves and deployments through the years. For some time now, we have lived in the DC area, which compounds commutes and travel times. Just driving from our house to any specialist (doctor) appointment and back can eat up three hours, depending on whether the appointment requires a drive during rush hour(s). One year my oldest broke his elbow, and then needed 6 months of twice weekly PT: a major PITA if we had needed to work those appointments (and the drive time) around two work schedules, but no big deal with one of us available during the day. If we had lived in a single smallish city or town for the last 23 years, I probably would have jumped back into the paid work force. However, we all live much easier, less stressful lives with me not working, and for me that is worth more than the money I would have earned.)</p>

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<p>This article resonated with me in a big way. I opted out after our first child was born and stayed home until our second child was 2. When I returned to work, it was part time and the only way I felt I could balance home and career. When my third child came along, I opted out of work again. I took on volunteer work at my kids’ schools as a fundraiser and served on the board of a non profit until they graduated. I didn’t become a great house cleaner or a gourmet cook but the household was organized. I was a helicopter mom extraordinaire who was ready to crash and burn at the end of every day. It didn’t help that I was a type A personality. :)</p>

<p>My husband was always supportive even when money was tight. It was never a question of whether or not I would return to work. It was a question of when and to what? As a teacher, I knew I had something to return to but I felt this was an opportunity to reinvent myself.</p>

<p>Now that my two older kids are in college, I feel a calm I haven’t felt in a long time. I am ready for a change. At a fundraising event last spring, I ran into a former co worker. The mere mention that I wanted to return to work got me a few hours of substitute teaching before the summer vacation started. It was all I needed to get the ball rolling. The spare room is evolving from my “craft room” to my “home office” once again so I can work on my small consulting business. It’s a new day for me.</p>

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<p>PNW, good luck to you in your future endeavors. You are a brave soul choosing to discuss this topic on CC. Stay at home moms get kicked in the teeth regularly here. Dogs get treated with more respect.</p>

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<p>Too many thoughts after reading that article to even try to articulate. I had avoided reading it because I just didn’t want to revisit the past 10 years, almost 11, since I left my career. I have loved being home with the boys, but the “baby” leaves for college this week, and I really want to get back in the game. Not in my former career, which is in a dying industry, but in something. Part of the problem for me is that we rely heavily on FA for the boys’ college, and if I were to go back to something well-paid we’d be screwed because we simply don’t have the college savings that more income would suggest.</p>

<p>The two things in the article that most resonate with me is the change in self-esteem and the change in the marital relationship.</p>

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<p>The OP has received excellent advice for her situation. I was hoping we could explore the article a bit more in depth. At my age, I’m re-evaluating and considering what advice to give young women just starting out. The option of opting out is a luxury not available to many, but will be to some young women I know and love. It worked out great for me. It didn’t work out at all for some of my friends. I think having your own money does impact the dynamics of a marriage even when it isn’t so obvious. Also, when you make homemaking your primary activity, and you are fortunate enough that your children turn out reasonably well and get launched according to schedule, you may find yourself in “semi-retirement” at a pretty young age. Some homemakers embrace retirement and some find it difficult… just like if you’d been working outside of the home for 20 years or so. It’s a huge shift.</p>

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<p>I agree, YDS, the self-esteem (or lack of) resonated with me. A friend, who recently returned to work after a 10 year hiatus refers to the later part of her opt-out years as her low self-esteem period.</p>

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<p>Like most of the women in the work, I don’t regret my decision at all. My kids are awesome, and I got to play a huge role in their lives and schools, in a way I wouldn’t have been able to do had I kept my highly stressful job. My advice to every woman would be to do what makes you happy but recognize the trade-offs.</p>

<p>For a portion of our marriage, I was the sole breadwinner while dh went back to school, and that was fine, too. I think options are the best thing a person can have.</p>

<p>ETA: I don’t want to paint too sad-sack of a picture of myself. I am incredibly lucky. But because of the need for FA, I feel like I don’t have as many options as I’d like, and the question before us now is can I keep not working for four more years in order to continue to qualify for FA? At what cost to me is staying out of the work force?</p>

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<p>For those who derive self esteem from their professional lives, what happens when you eventually retire? </p>

<p>I think self esteem has to come from somewhere inside, we must feel we are worthy human beings apart from our income, and apart from our profession. Self esteem comes from inside ourselves, not from the face we present to the outside world.</p>

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<p>I went back and forth about even using the word self-esteem. I tried others, but no other word was just right either so I stuck with it. I’m not talking about the self-esteem that comes with money or prestige or connections. I’m talking about when I’m home as of late I don’t feel like I’m living to my fullest potential, and that feels disappointing, I guess. I hope I’m making sense.</p>

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<p>I agree with you YDS! For me, it’s more self fulfillment and purpose rather than self esteem. I made the decision to return to work when I started to feel my “work project” at home was winding down. The kids were off to college with one left at home who was doing well. I feel fortunate to have this opportunity to reinvent myself and sometimes I think DH is envious of that.</p>

<p>YDS, I hope you are able to figure out how to “opt back in” without affecting FA!</p>

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<p>As I age, I continually reevaluate what living to my fullest potential means. One thing I think about is what I have given to the world so far, and how I can best use my time from this point going forward. How much responsibility to my own family, to my local community, and so on.</p>

<p>I’ve been really stuck on this paragraph:</p>

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<p>[Why</a> Women Still Can?t Have It All - Anne-Marie Slaughter - The Atlantic](<a href=“Why Women Still Can’t Have It All - The Atlantic”>Why Women Still Can’t Have It All - The Atlantic)</p>