Have lots of feelings about this.
It’s not about me if my children have kids or not. The end.
Had a lot of other feelings but decided I’ll leave them to my own thoughts.
I’ll be sad if my kid wants children but that doesn’t happen. Because it’s not about me.
Articles like this drive me crazy!
I love being a grandparent, but I would have been fine if neither of my kids had kids. It wasn’t a bucket list item, because it wasn’t mine to want. My SIL drives me crazy sometimes, but I’ll give her props for not harassing her S & DIL for not having kids. The DIL actually has a teenager from a prior marriage, and she isn’t interested in starting over - and my nephew doesn’t care one way or the other. My MIL seems to think it’s the end of the world, but my SIL has warned her that she should not share her opinion with my nephew. The decision to have (or not have) kids is one only the couple can make.
This stuck out to me. Kids should be free to make their own choices regarding parenthood but the loss and grief experienced by their parents due to those choices is also valid.
“You always hear people talk about how great it is to be a grandparent, how it’s better than being a parent,” Ms. Bidwell Smith said. “I think when people don’t get to experience that, there’s a very real grief that comes with it.”
It’s a kind of grief, she said, that our culture tends not to recognize, and that people don’t know how to talk about.
Only one of my kids is married. She and her husband want kids. My son is engaged and I haven’t heard much about children at this point. No idea about my youngest.
I have a few close friends who never married, and are seemingly OK with that decision. They’ve also made peace with not having kids.
But they are experiencing real grief over not having grandchildren. I give them the grace of “feeling their feelings” and I don’t think you can judge someone else for wanting something they can’t have. Even if it’s illogical (of course you can’t make someone have a baby just because you want them to; you can’t force a lifestyle on another adult).
All it takes is one person in your social circle to have a really bad diagnosis- and everyone starts to grapple with their own mortality in a way that losing a parent or much older sibling may not.
Hugs to everyone.
I grew up surrounded by people who all wanted to have kids. It was great personal tragedy when couples could not have children and often marriage didn’t survive it. I see more and more people online mentioning that their kids don’t want to have children. I personally only know one couple my kids age where guy doesn’t want children and I hope his girlfriend will leave him soon because it’s honestly not her choice. With medical advances people have better understanding if they carry faulty genes they don’t want to pass to the next generation. That’s is one of the reasons some people decide against having children.
Honestly? I could not care less if my kids have children! I fiercely love my 3 sons above all else. But, I never felt a strong urge to have kids, and didn’t have strong feelings until they arrived. I am sure I will love any grandchildren I might have, but until then – eh.
I adore all animals, and have more interest/connection to them than children. I will probably be like my mother in her Memory Care unit, holding a toy cat in her arms, when the other ladies are focused on dolls.
I want grandchildren and don’t feel bad about that. Of course, this is my problem, not my kids’.
@cinnamon1212 I have the most intense craving for animals. I visit friends but the truth is, I am visiting their dogs because I miss them!
Not sure if I will have grandchildren. Not saving Legos or children’s books or dolls. That was my only decision. The rest is up to them!
Climate issues may mean adoption for one of mine…I admire that choice.
My daughter (adopted) is an only child. She and her husband told me that they would like to have children and as far as I know, they are trying.
I had the most amazing grandmother (my oma) and I would love to replicate that experience for grandchild/ren. So I wait.
I think people should be able to feel what they feel without so much judgment. All of them said they support their kids’ decisions, no kids say they are being guilted or treated badly.
It’s just feelings about an experience they wish they could have. Being a grandparent or not IS about them, though out of their control–which they acknowledge. The choice to have kids, IS about their kids. Both realities can coexist.
I think articles like this one tend to normalize the appropriateness of having an opinion; it is spoken of enough that we made a point of telling our offspring that they should not imagine that we are pining away or anxiously awaiting our deserved reward of grandchildren (And I am speaking of GENERAL attitudes, not anyone here specifically , at all – understood that nobody is wrong to pine, be anxious, or otherwise have feelings)
My acquaintances , my inlaws, etc often ask if we are disappointed or sad or worried that we dont have grands; if I say oh, we don’t even have an opinion, the answer is something like don’t worry, they still have time. Happens all the time, so clearly there is some sort of societal expectation that I should be fussing until I get a baby to hold. “grief” just seems like a really strong word.
I think that was my exasperation with the article.
Of course we have the right to have feelings about things. I guess I get annoyed that this is some sort of expectation that people (or me if I don’t) need to grieve about. And talk to the New York Times about. Because I’m guessing their children who they’ve told have the right not to have children aren’t exactly feeling that way today. After their parent is quoted saying how sad they are about their decision.
I would be sad, but I would never project that onto my children or make them feel guilty about their choice. When my oldest tells me what her friends are paying for childcare (not to mention the challenges of being able to find good childcare), I can understand why a couple may have reservations. She is very career focused and does not plan to be a stay-at-home mom, so childcare costs will be a factor.
As of now, both daughters have said they want to have kids. I hope they do it while I am still relatively young 
A good friend of mine’s daughter and her husband are choosing not to have kids. She is very sad about it but also doesn’t project her feelings onto her daughter.
My spouse is not only craving grandkids, she is already obsessing about the other set of in law grandparents getting to spend more time with future grandkids than us. They live in the same city as my son and his GF and we do not. Mind you, there is not even a wedding yet much less grandkids. But to answer the question: I’d be sad without grandkids. I had a great model in my dad, and I think I’d be an awesome grandfather. But I’d get over it if we had none. Not sure about my spouse though.
My mother asked all the time when I was going to have a child. She’d frame it as, her church friends asked her if she was a grandmother yet. For years she did this. And then when I had a child, did she help out at all? NOPE. She spent almost no time with her grandchild, because that also would only happen if I put in the time and effort to drive to see her. I’m convinced all the pressure was only so that she could tell her church biddies that she was a grandmother!
I have no expectations of my child in this regard. The future is looking grim from my POV, just staying safe is stressful enough.
I want grands. I am sure my kids know this. Neither is married so it is not such a live issue right now. Sure, I will be sad if I never have any grandkids, but the choice is theirs. If it never happens? I will find ways to be with kids and donate the toys I have been saving to someone.
I have 2 kids, and 1 grandchild (so far). I may end up with another one, but not going to have a “bunch” of grands.
Although I adore my GD, this decision is entirely up to my kids.
We are friends with 2 couples whose children have made the “no kids” decision. These are children who are married, have stable jobs and are late 30’s/early 40’s. I know one couple would love to have grands but they would never pressure and they have found other joys in life.
I think it is okay to feel the feelings. My brother never had kids. My husbands only sibling only has 1 child. The “big family” perhaps envisioned didn’t pan out. I have friends who still have some sadness about only having one sex of children.
It is just important to not let the “what could have been” negatives outweigh the joys of what you were actually blessed with!
Don’t donate your toys! You can be the house in the neighborhood that everyone wants to hang out at, whether the kids playing on the floor are genetically related to you or not!
You can be an honorary aunt, best friend, or just the cool adult…