As someone with a cat currently sprawled across my upper chest/neck, I also don’t have experience with standoffish kitties. She even wakes me up at night if she doesn’t feel like she has enough space on my pillow or enough blanket.
As for the article, I took issue with the title itself (as well as the sentiment). Sharing your disappointment with the paper of record is hardly an “unspoken” grief.
Also, did I miss the parents of men who’ve disappointed their parents by being child free in the article? Or was it just parents of daughters sharing this? Framing always interesting.
This is a related article about how young men seem to want children more than young women (gift link):
From the chats I’ve had with male friends — quietly, late in the evening — I think there is a second type of “unspoken grief” going round.
A female friend told me recently that she had been in the pub with a mixed-gender group of peers. She had asked whether they would rather have a) a partner who would stay with them for ever or b) children. All the women said partner; all the men said kids.
…
Several men told me they would desperately like children but their female partner was less sure. Often they were slightly ashamed. How terribly unprogressive to feel that you are putting pressure on the person who indisputably bears the greater burden. And so they didn’t. But the feelings were there anyway. I found myself thinking that these men seemed to have even less control than women do. It isn’t their body, at the end of the day, so it isn’t their choice.
It seems there is a vast hidden swell of pent-up emotions, of important things unsaid, when it comes to young men and children. I’ve always thought that we damage women when we put all the pressure of fertility at their door. But it strikes me that we also damage men.
I think things need to change in meaningful ways for some women to feel comfortable again bearing children.
Financially, medically, educationally, equal distribution of child rearing and emotionally. Until these changes become ingrained and frankly change, then there’s an enormous gap in how men and women view having children.
Today women are likely to go to college than their male counterparts. Make more, will by necessity work full time after having children. Yet society norms are that the bulk of child rearing falls on the mother. Those are changing. My own son is very involved in his daughter’s child rearing. Much more than his dad. And even more than his grandfather. It’s evolving for him. I’m not sure it is for all men.
I’ve read a bit about this article. Those children who feel pressure from their parents to have a grandchild, think it’s narcissistic. Some other views think that it goes to this traditional family values that has some traction in some forms of social media. That are geared towards young men. That’s all I want to say about that.
Great post @deb922. I agree that so much of the burden of having children rests on the women. While my SIL is a fantastic dad, very hands on and does way more than my H ever did with our kids, it is still D who has to bear the physical part of childbearing and assumes the risks healthwise. Women still bear the brunt in the workplace. A man with children is looked at as being a provider and stable, a woman is considered not devoted enough to her kids.
I see a lot of the beautiful big family things on line, but the reality is that without a lot of money that’s hard to pull off. The “trad wife” thing is not financially feasible for most people (and hasn’t been for decades).
The older I get, the more I would welcome grandchildren. Since our time is finite, it would be special to know our family legacy continues. Sure, that legacy can be in the form of art, a better planet, educating youth, and thousands of other ways. But realizing that my parents, my grandparents, their parents, (and onward) are literally present in a grandchild’s DNA would be a unique gift. Yes, I’ll be sad if that never happens. I also don’t want to make MY hopes influence THEIR dreams, but there remains “quiet mourning”. Problem is that sometimes their dreams change, and unfortunately time to create a family is finite (at least moreso for women).
I haven’t spent much time thinking about grand kids. My own kids are still in school, and not even dating, so the idea seems remote to me. It would be nice if it happens but if it doesn’t, I don’t think I’ll mourn. It’s their lives, after all, and my greatest wish is for their happiness and contentment—whatever form that takes.
