<p>It’s easier for me to understand a brief fling, two people giving in to lustful feelings or whatever. But this guy made a choice, over a period of time, to let this woman become more important than his family. It tortured him, blahblahblah. Marriage is tough. People will come along who may seem very appealing. It’s easy to idealize these people in comparison to one’s spouse. You just have to cut off these situations before they get out of hand. People who don’t learn that lesson are a high risk to do so again.</p>
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<p>I think it’s indicative of the depths of their narcissism. The world revolves around them - how can people not see that! Just shaking my head. I feel really bad for the kids.</p>
<p>It’s easy to judge these people (and, frankly, I do). Nevertheless. There’s a group of people I know, now all in their 60s. About 25 years ago, all of their marriages broke up, and they resorted themselves. Now – and not just now, pretty much continuously since about 3 years after all the cataclysms – they are all much happier than they were during their first marriages. And all the kids, where there were kids, came out fine (helped in some cases by therapy). And I really like all of them, even though they don’t all like one another (but a lot of that has faded, too), and even though some of them were very much at fault in the breakups of their first marriages. Two of them were even at fault together, which didn’t last long. Being a cheater once didn’t make them fundamentally dishonest; I think all of them, cheaters and not, are good, trustworthy people, who have been faithful, loyal spouses now for a long time.</p>
<p>Of course, I know some of the other kind of cheater, too. </p>
<p>I have no problem whatsoever with the concept of divorce. Perpetuating a very bad marriage is often more damaging to a family. But how you go about that divorce is critical. In cases where there is a third party involved there really is no easy way but to take full responsibility and acknowledge the choice that you made without excuses. But looking for public validation of your choices and elevating the new relationship to some kind of “divine destiny” seems disingenuous to me. It suggests someone is looking to avoid responsibility for the choice. </p>
<p>I think what bugged me the most was the statement about how at times it has seemed like there was a third person in the relationship (his kids, his marriage). It’s as if their One True Love deserves to be elevated and understood to be superior to those other relationships. I am divorced and occasionally dip my toes in the dating world. No WAY would I put any man over my kids–and they are grown or nearly grown. These people just seem pretty selfish.</p>
<p>Here’s another video of Tiler Peck and Robert Fairchild, with much more dancing:</p>
<p><a href=“Dancers Tiler Peck and Robert Fairchild on Their Choreographed Romance - Vanity Fair - YouTube”>Dancers Tiler Peck and Robert Fairchild on Their Choreographed Romance - Vanity Fair - YouTube;
<p>They’re both spectacular.</p>
<p>What bothered me the most was how self-centered they both were. He whined about how hard the divorce was, how he couldn’t have gotten out of bed without her. (What about his wife and kids?) She apparently sees herself as some sort of noble hero, fighting for “the family unit”, and dealing with the “baggage” and the “third person”. They’re both so narcissistic that when hard times come, they will each be focusing on themselves, and they will each be shocked that the other isn’t supporting them.</p>
<p>This is one of my favorite love stories:</p>
<p><a href=“The Moth | Stories | The Case of the Curious Codes”>http://themoth.org/posts/stories/the-case-of-the-curious-codes</a></p>
<p>This couple, who hadn’t seen one another in over 60 years, were married last year:</p>
<p><a href=“The Vineyard Gazette - Martha's Vineyard News | Wedding Bells Ring in West Tisbury, Love Story Celebrated”>The Vineyard Gazette - Martha's Vineyard News | Wedding Bells Ring in West Tisbury, Love Story Celebrated;
<p>I basically agree with JHS – despite the fact that my husband left me for someone else. Actually, maybe I agree because of that experience. I know that my ex is fundamentally a good guy, despite his behavior. Marriages are complicated and it is hard to judge from the outside. And some people are so afraid of being alone that they do not have the courage to leave a failing marriage until they have someone else lined up. Certainly not admirable behavior but potentially understandable and (perhaps with time) forgivable in some circumstances. That is not to understate the extreme hurt that such behavior causes. </p>
<p>What I find astonishing and appalling about the NYT couple is their public CELEBRATION of the circumstances of how they got together without any thought or concern for the hurt and humiliation that their public crowing will cause the ex-spouses or children. Or extended family for that matter. Ugh. That’s what is so disgusting to me. I cannot even fathom what it would be like if my ex and his girlfriend were to make a video like that for the NYT or even Facebook for that matter. </p>
<p>If I am not mistaken, in the beginning of the video she also basically referred to the first marriage and children as “baggage.” And all the talk of the “third person” in their marriage is really just to keep him in line - she is making all the sacrifices and adjustments. She has no “baggage.”</p>
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<p>Exactly.</p>
<p>“The kids are worth fighting for.” Wonder what it’s like to hear the other woman say that about YOUR kids.</p>
<p>And then there’s this… <a href=“Marijuana Is a Welcome Wedding Guest in Colorado and Washington State - The New York Times”>Marijuana Is a Welcome Wedding Guest in Colorado and Washington State - The New York Times;
<p>Bad enough that I wander through clouds of smoke in one of the nearby parks – a wedding bouquet and corsages made with pot? There aren’t enough roses in the world to overcome that stink. Blech.</p>
<p>I don’t know who we are to judge what was and what will be. We have close friends who got together through office romance. Husband was married and had kids. Wife did not have kids but may have been divorced after a short marriage. I am not sure. They have now been happily married for nearly 30 years and have adult children. The couple seems happy and in love still and they have a good relationship with husband’s two children from his first marriage. This DOES happen. What makes me uncomfortable in the NYT case is the putting it on video for all to see part.</p>
<p>I think most have agreed that the NYT video was insensitive, but this thread does beg a question that none of us have really addressed head on. What does a person do that falls in love with someone else when they both already have a spouse and young children? If your grown child, brother, sister or best friend came to you for advice what would you tell them? </p>
<p>Completely depends on the circumstances. Cannot be answered in the abstract. Personally, I don’t think people fall in love with someone else unless they are actively open to the possibility – unless they are “looking,” in other words. That attitude of receptiveness to the attention of others is incompatible with a strong happy marriage, in my view. But, as I said upthread, it is very difficult, if not impossible, to judge what goes on in someone else’s marriage. </p>
<p>For some people, I would advice NOT ever getting married, marriage is not for every one. Stay single because you have much better chance of fall in love with any one and not have to worry about spouse and children, i.e. the baggage.</p>
<p>I would tell her to stop seeing the person who is not her spouse. Then, if she wants to divorce, divorce. You are not allowed to be in a marriage and also date someone, unless you have one of those open marriages, and we’re assuming that’s not the case.</p>
<p>OK, that’s difficult, and many people fail. People are not perfect. So let’s say my friend broke up someone’s marriage or her own, for the new marriage. Now she is trying to decide what to say to the New York Times about her marriage. My advice would be, say nothing and don’t twist the knife. If she insisted on the interview, I would tell her that she did something she shouldn’t have done which hurt other people, and she should admit it and not pretend that everything that happened was out of her control. If she insists on going public, the only appropriate public statement is an apology for her wrongdoing. </p>
<p>Of course no one would advise the person to continue the affair while remaining married to the other person (except perhaps in extreme circumstances not relevant here). The question is, would you advise the person to stay in the marriage or leave the marriage. That’s the question that is impossible ti answer in the abstract. </p>
<p>As to what to say to the NYT, there is no reason whatsoever to consent to such an interview under such circumstances. Period. End of story.</p>
<p>I think people pay NYT to publish these wedding announcements. NYT takes the money regardless of the story.</p>