Octogenarian romances? Who has had experience with this with their parents/in-laws?

Parent Cafe
2021

I’m not sure it’s its age, the act of growing older or if she’s always been this way and no one noticed it. Maybe it’s harder to cover up the act of caring about others. I’m describing my mother in law.

My bil called last week. In the conversation, he said mom only thinks of mom these days. And wants me to tell her that everything is going to be ok.

The days of being a person who could be empathetic has passed. I think that person used to be there. The person now is concerned with them and does not want to handle any bad news that affects others in the family.

4 Likes
2022

I think that at a very advanced age, one feels that one has only a short time left, and one feels they want to take advantage of that brief time. So they become a tad selfish.

2 Likes
2023

Or for many people- the exact opposite. They want to make every moment count by serving others….

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2024

Could the moving van date be pushed back because of weather? I know that she wants this done, but the moving company might be able to postpone.

2025

Not the OP’s problem.

5 Likes
2026

Okay, they have (thankfully) decided to drive to her house on Thursday. They’ll have more time than they need to sort the brings from the don’t brings and to pack what she is bringing. Not a bad thing, IMO. The grocery store will be a disaster, but it is what it is. I bought my chili and brownie fixin’s this morning! Along with other groceries. We are well-stocked here!

@silverlady - the moving people aren’t scheduled to come until next Thursday. As long as mil and Bob get there to finish packing, the actual move shouldn’t be an issue. Unless, of course, there is inclement weather next Thursday and Friday.

We all told her that moving in January carried risks of bad weather. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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2027

Not your problem but is there a backup generator at the house? Our Southern state area is supposed to get a lot of ice from the weekend storm which means power outages, often not quickly repaired.

1 Like
2028

No, she does not have a generator. Friend L does, three houses down. But, I doubt she’d extend an invitation. Mil has treated her pretty poorly throughout this recent time period. She’s treated lots of people poorly, actually.

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2029

Wow, that is something to hear. I remember you talking about Friend L - left in the dust. I still hope for safe travels for them and no weather related fiascos at her home.

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2030

hahahahaha

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2031

Why do you feel you need to go above and beyond what she did for you, for her birthday? The most I’d do is send a card and a text.

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2032

My husband is in charge of sending cards to his mother, not me. Wouldn’t Mr. Hoggirl be the one to send birthday greetings to his mother?

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2033

Well, in a perfect world. But many of us establish routines early on in our marriage that perhaps we wouldn’t today. So, if it’s a small thing, no need to make a stand over it. However, if I’m not treated right by the recipient, I’d change my behavior a bit

Yes, she could tell her husband she’s done and him to do it, but unless it was really obnoxious behavior, I wouldn’t let her have the power to cause any bad feelings in my marriage. I’d tit for tat, but that’s just my Scorpio personality.

2 Likes
2034

Not to be negative but all this behavior of MIL’s sounds very much of a piece with the exceptional rudeness I remember Hoggirl said MIL showed during MIL’s visits years ago. Comments about height and other things that seemed quite close to insults.

Hoggirl is a far more generous person than me to be able to get beyond those slights and still do birthday celebrations for MIL (and that’s to Hoggirl’s credit!).

But like conmama said, I do see the value in keeping peace in one’s marriage by getting along with in-laws.

To navigate that balance - I’ll just hold the grievances against MIL on Hoggirl’s behalf. :rofl::rofl::rofl:. She’s not my in-law.

8 Likes
2035

I admire Hoggirl’s ability to maintain all these family ties amidst the drama.

My own life (mental health and everything else) improved dramatically when I stopped “owning” Mothers Day, birthdays, holidays, etc for my H’s family. I think Bob sounds capable enough to make dinner reservations for everyone if he and MIL care about some birthday hoopla. And MILs adult kids can certainly organize something… this isn’t the invasion of Normandy.

I’d take MIL’s marriage as a sign that carrying the party planning flag has ended now that there’s a spouse on hand!

13 Likes
2036

I’m responding to the part that I bolded above. :slight_smile:

Amen. Totally. 100% agree.

I used to be the party planner & chief social get-together organizer with all of Husband’s extended family (MIL, his sister & her immediate family, his aunt & uncle). None of them could ever manage to make decisions on anything & everybody for YEARS would just look to me to play the role of chief cat herder & dysfunctional family project manager.

And for 25 years, I did that.

And then I got breast cancer. And had to take 3 months off of work to recuperate from 2 surgeries due to a double mastectomy. And guess what? Barely 2 weeks after that was all done, they all started asking, “What are we going to do for the holidays?”

So I told Husband all the rest of the crew that I didn’t have the energy or wherewithall that year to plan ANYTHING, that they all can figure it out and let me know what the plans are and we’ll be happy to participate and help out…but I am NOT going to be the party planner that year.

Toward the end of October, nobody had made any decisions and I was still getting phone calls weekly asking what are the plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was like all of them had forgotten how to adult and make a decision.

So I told Husband that he had 2 more weeks to figure it out and then if there were no plans, I was going to make plans for our immediate family only since nobody else can actually talk to each other. :rofl:

The inevitable happened. Nobody made a decision. They were all waiting for me to come up with a plan. Well, I invited friends of ours over for Thanksgiving & my sister came, too. We had Thanksgiving in our pajamas that day and it was a wonderful day to be alive.

Those same friends invited us to their house for Christmas. So we spent 4 days at their home in southern CA over Christmas. That was an awesome Christmas. Introduced my kids to Die Hard and we’ve had debates every since on whether or not it’s a Christmas movie. LOL.

Meanwhile, Husband whined about “What am I supposed to say to my family?” I don’t know…how about the truth? The truth being that we made other plans because they couldn’t & wouldn’t propose anything, so we figured they weren’t interested in doing anything with us. And I told him that he could let his aunt & uncle know where we were w/our friends in southern CA (~1.5 hr drive from the aunt & uncle). Our friends said, “Sure! Have them join us on Xmas Eve or Xmas Day! It’ll be fun!”

Husband didn’t tell the aunt & uncle. Not my problem.

I got passive-aggressive lip about it from Husband’s aunt a week after Christmas. She made a snarky comment about how “It sure would have been nice to know that you guys were there. Why didn’t you come to visit us?” So I told her, “Well, you should talk to your nephew about that because it was HIS job to tell you where we’d be. And none of you guys could make a decision so we made other plans. Besides, would you really have driven 1.5 hr to our friends’ house?”

Aunt said, “Of course not. That’s too far for us to drive.”

Keep in mind that the route the aunt & uncle take to get to their cabin in the San Bernardino mountains basically goes near our friends’ house and it’s a longer drive to get to the aunt & uncle’s cabin than it is for them to get to our friends’ house.

So that’s fine. We were not a priority.

We all only get so many trips around the sun. I’m spending MY remaining trips around the sun in ways that reflect my own personal values. And I don’t bother chasing after people anymore who have shown time & time again that I & my immediate family are not important to them.

That being said, I totally understand why hoggirl probably wants to maintain marital harmony by coordinating a b-day celebration for her MIL. But I would not be inclined to go out of my way to make a big deal about it. Take MIL’s lead on this one. And it sounds like these days, MIL defers to Bob. So that’s fine. If Bob is the chief decision maker of their household, then ask Bob what the plans are.

And whatever you DO end up doing, EXPECT it to not be enough in your MIL’s eyes. And you know what else? You’ve been adulting for plenty of years to know that your MIL’s opinion of you does not really matter. You are a good & decent person. It is not your job or your problem to solve all of MIL’s issues for her.

You do not have to put up with disrespect just because she’s your MIL.

23 Likes
2037

My mother absolutely took care of things for my father’s parents (mostly his father as his mother died young). One father’s day she even called my father’s brother to tell HIM to CALL HIS FATHER as my grandfather had been waiting all day for a call. When my grandfather was aging and made frequent trips to the hospital, it was my mother and me who took my grandfather to the hospital, signed him in, made sure everything was in order.

10 Likes
2038

Ugh.

Snowed here. Snowed there. Actually worse than snow. It was snow → sleet → snow. It’s a sleet sandwich. Schools are out in both places for the fourth day tomorrow. Vicious melt and refreeze cycle going on in both places.

Mil’s driveway and walkway are cleared but neither her road nor back alley (which goes to her rear-loading garage) has been plowed. Things are marginally better here because we got less sleet. Driveway and walkway at the CCRC home is cleared, but the road in front of it is not plowed.

Mil talked to movers twice today. They are a go, so tomorrow they are driving from here to there, loading the furniture she is keeping, and returning here. The original plan was that they would deliver the furniture to the CCRC on Friday at 11:00 am. Because mil and Bob can’t drive at night, they would have to meet the movers the next day. Mil was always concerned they couldn’t get here by then (it takes a normal person 2:45 to drive it, so no idea why they couldn’t get here by 11:00 am, but whatever), so she had asked me to be there to let the movers in. They still think they will be able to come back here Friday, but dh told her not to risk it if the roads are bad. We will take care of the furniture delivery. So now we are no longer the just-in-case-they-can’t-get-there-by-11:00 am crew but the front line just-in-case-they-can’t-make-it-at-all crew. Dh and I are now going over at 8:00 am on Friday to meet the movers at the CCRC. Everything will be unloaded long before they get up here even if they can make it. They will not rush to get here and will leave later in the morning.

I texted mil that she would have to let me know where she wanted things placed. Mil replied, “If you can print out our floor plan from the CCRC website, I’ll call you and tell you where we want everything.” Fine.

Y’all. This is what mil wants to put in their primary bedroom (they are having the movers move the current furniture that is in there to the second bedroom which is now empty because wife #4 took back her bedroom furniture when she divorced Bob):

A queen bed

Two nightstands

A triple dresser

A chest of drawers

A bookcase

A cedar chest

A bench

A desk

A chair (NOT a chair for the desk - another occasional chair!)

The size of the room is 13’3" x 16’5"!!!

The living room *is* challenging for furniture placement, but let’s just say I would have a very different vision for that room than what mil has.

Mil, speaking about the living room: “There are several little tables in there. We aren’t sure if we’ll use them or not. Just put them somewhere.” (As an aside, what is it with old people and having a bunch of small, rickety, spindly tables???)

Where does she think I’m going to put them?? In the primary bedroom where they aren’t going to be able to walk around the bed?? Re: the bench in the primary she said, “If it won’t fit in there, just put it somewhere.” Where is this elusive somewhere???

Going to be an interesting couple of days for all of us.

16 Likes
2039

I think you should arrange it as you like, and they are not going to have the energy to redo it. Spindly tables can go to the garage but not where her car will go.

What a headache.

8 Likes
2040

A queen bed

Two nightstands

A triple dresser

A chest of drawers

A bookcase

A cedar chest

A bench

A desk

A chair (NOT a chair for the desk - another occasional chair!)

The size of the room is 13’3" x 16’5"!!!

The first four things will fit snuggly, but then adding a bookcase, cedar chest, bench, desk, and chair?

They’ll be reduced to inching around.

What a pavlova. You’re a saint. :joy:

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