It’s way bigger than my current house and we find it plenty comfortable at 1250 sq ft. I don’t have tons of spindly tables.
The furniture dad ordered from the furniture store for CCRC would NOT have fit well into their small 2 bedroom place. Brother had to fight with furniture store to get order canceled. Older sister was very careful to only select small items so the apartment wouldn’t be cluttered. Sis didn’t even put anything in 2nd bedroom, but as we were sleeping over, gradually a queen camp bed & mattress was added there. Younger brother also brought over a TV, so they could view while spending the night.
can I tread very gently here and suggest…in your desire to make things easiest/best and help them avoid inconvenience after the fact, it seems to me that you are coming across as sort of controlling and micromanaging? It is their home, let them figure it out. Yes, they have terrible judgement, but no one’s life is in danger if they have too much furniture than can fit in a room. Let this one go. There will likely be other more important things that you’ll have to speak up on at some point, and it isn’t worth spending goodwill currency on this.
If there isn’t space, there just isn’t space. I’d just figure out which room all the things that won’t fit should go and let the movers put the items that don’t fit there (not in the garage as then MIL can’t have her car). The newlyweds can decide where they want the items in furniture room to go and pay to have folks move it where they want.
I think this is a fair point, and something I should be mindful of. I will say, however, that I am not saying to mil that she ought to arrange her furniture differently because her ideas are dumb and/or impractical; I’m saying it here to y’all.
I guess my fear is that when she says, “If it won’t fit, put it somewhere else,” that she may criticize the location of the somewhere else. Whether it’s an actual attempted placement or just in a stack/pile. The anticipation of her, “Well, why in the world did you put it there?? It’s the pleaser in me, for sure.
Because of the weather issue, our role in this has been elevated from making sure someone is there just to meet the movers with their potentially being 15 minutes late, to now being there through the entire moving process.
From what you have shared about your MIL over time it seems like she is pretty self-centered. Thinking of herself and not considering the inconvenience and logistical challenges that she is putting on you. I’d stick the stuff inside and let them figure it out.
That @Hoggirl et al may want to implement their own standards and that MIL/Bob want their minions to do the dirty work for them.
I think wanting the house to not be cumbersome with stuff can be coming from both an esthetic point of view and a safety point of view. I think the MIL is also overwhelmed and just wants her family to just do what I need you to do. Which can be understood to a point but also her past behavior doesn’t always have her behavior and comments being cordial and kind for those helping her out.
I suspect MIL will be unhappy and criticize no matter how expert your placement of items is. When the furniture dimensions exceed the actual square footage available, “Houston, we have a problem.”
I’m sure your MIL magically believes everything will fit nicely “somewhere” in the new residence. The “somewhere” is just the extra bedroom or living room that doesn’t exist.
@Hoggirl, do what you’veagreed to and let them deal with the consequences. It’s clear that you fear getting dragged in for the mess that will be the aftermath, but it may be easier at that point to aim them in the right direction and have them handle it themselves.
The temptation to bring too much is great, not just for the sentimental reasons, but because akmost nobody is excited about buying new furnishings at this point in life.
My mom went overboard in getting rid of stuff, briefly regretted it, then became dependent on a walker and electric wheelchair and started singing a different tune. Having the space to maneuver has been a gift. I fully recognize that nobody wants to craft a life around this eventuality, but boy did it help that that mobility transition wasn’t accompanied by the need to dispose of cherished furniture- spindly or otherwise!
It is definitely common for folks to need bulky mobility aids as they age. It is a kindness NOT to let the living space be over-crowded. Walkers and wheelchairs need space to maneuver!
The OT and PT would insist that the unit be safe for mobility, which means that there are good clear pathways to navigate throughout the unit.
My vote. Anything you can’t comfortably fit in the house allowing for safety in case of emergency…gets stacked in the garage or in the extra bedroom. Then it’s their issue moving it around. Judging from the pictures, I wouldn’t add a thing to that living room!!!
In theory, she is only adding a side table and a bachelor’s chest. The two white chairs in the living room photo will be replaced with her two white, larger chairs (the ones on the red rug). They’ll be positioned elsewhere, however. I’m not worried about crowding in the living room. Just arrangement. Which, as many have pointed out, is not my place to worry about it.
Overcrowding in the primary bedroom may result in adding more to the living room which would then make it overcrowded!
I say this with the utmost respect- because you have proven yourself to be an incredible daughter-in-law throughout this entire process.
Do you really want to keep assuming the emotional labor for EVERYONE now that your MIL has remarried, has moved/is moving, and is off to the races on her new life with nary a lookback?
I do understand where you’ve been up until now. The widow, aging, etc.
But this is a reset for everyone. Your SIL gets to figure out how not to let her resentment damage the relationship with her mom- if she chooses to. Your H gets to decide how involved he’s going to be with “lifestyle” issues or just stick to filing taxes and managing cash flow. And you get to decide if you are ready to take the burden and just set it down by the side of the road.
She has too much furniture? She’ll get rid of something- or the place will look like a warehouse. She’s not happy with the placement of the chairs, tables, etc? She’ll pay someone X bucks and hour to move it around while she criticizes. Bob has too much stuff but is too controlling to say “I need to clean out my office so you can use it for a den”– or he won’t. But right now you’ve signed on to meet the movers, let them in, and sign the manifest/inventory when they leave certifying that their truck is empty of your MIL’s stuff.
And some might say- that’s MORE than enough. All the other things that are going to need to happen to make the place comfortable– that’s not your problem to solve. What would it feel like NOT to be responsible for all this ancillary family drama???
I get A LOT of satisfaction from my home being in general order and functional and relatively clutter free while also being stylistically happy, casual, colorful and nothing pleases me more than someone complementing me on my home.
It would be hard for me to orchestrate this furniture circus of an arrangement. I think I would just tell myself I’m not living here or staying here. My happy home is elsewhere.
Besides being concerned about safety - which is a legitimate concern - do the task at hand and then turn the key and leave! If it makes you feel better snap a few pics and send to MIL so she isn’t entirely surprised when she walks in the door. Caption your pics with “we did the best we could. You and Bob can take over from here!”
What’s maybe the worst thing that would likely happen if she said that?
She’d think twice about asking you to help with something like that in the future. And if you’re honest with yourself, think about it…that really wouldn’t be all that bad.
OR maybe she’d be mad enough at you that she’ll put you in a time out for a short period of time. Meh…doesn’t sound like that would be a punishment. Might be a nice vacation from being volun-told to be at her beck & call all of the time.
Start reminding yourself in a bit of a mantra:
she’s not your mother
she’s an adult and can make her own decisions.
you don’t have to fix her messes for her
not your circus, not your monkeys
So she told you to just put the stuff anywhere? Then do that.
What if she gets mad? Oh well. That’s not the end of life as we know it.
Just think about it…how many times have we done things that made our moms or dad mad? A BUNCH! Did the earth stop turning on its axis because somebody’s else’s mom is mad at you?
I think you need to decide what you want to do and stick with it. I can argue it both ways. I could make the case for arranging things in a manner you thought looked nice and was safe and tell them that, piling the rest of that furniture in the extra bedroom. And if they don’t like it, oh well. They always can move it.
I also can see trying to follow her directions as closely as possible and leave it tight but per her specifications. Let her see for herself how ridiculous it is. And if they don’t like it, oh well. They always can move it.
BUT you need to pick a lane and live with it. I wouldn’t give a moment’s thought to my now-late MIL daring to criticize me after I helped her. In fact, I had it out with my late SIL when we were trying to help move out of her parents’ house and into her own apartment. I’m conflict avoidant, but she pushed one too may buttons that day when she got mad at me for relocating her unpaid bills, which she kept in a paper bag between the toilet and the wall, under the toilet paper roll.
