Bob’s attendance, or non-attendance, would have been open to criticism either way. Why is he there, he didn’t know the guy? Vs. Why isn’t he supporting his wife? Fwiw, I always find funeral etiquette a bit murky but have decided based on my own experience of loss that attendance is generally the better choice. Ymmv!
But of greater concern is the confusion. This is worrisome as MIL will be taking this on. When people realize they have become forgetful, they also tend to feel compelled to speak up when they think of something or become quite insistent when a thought or reasoning is present, all of which can be quite rude and inappropriate. They can forget that a companion said they were going out and be frightened, angry, and abusive when they return. In short, it can be VERY rough on a caregiver, spouse, companion.
Hoping that this doesn’t progress too rapidly and is less of an issue in a familiar environment where there is less to keep track of.
While it certainly bears being attentive I found that with both my parents there were weird lapses in attention/memory as they got older which in my dad’s case meant almost nothing (still sharp when he died just short of 90 despite a number of years of isolated incidents like you describe). I think he basically just stopped paying attention to us half the time as he got older and this would have been especially true after a long exhausting day like you describe. It was more like when you suddenly realize you have no memory of the last 10 miles you drove - you drive fine, responded fine, but were thinking of something else the whole time. In my mom’s case occasional lapses are becoming more pervasive confusion but while she now qualifies as mild cognitive impairment she’s still mostly fine. In her case I assume it’ll continue to get worse but in my dad’s case it never did and he was never confused. Always surprised when we said “we already had this conversation!” but not confused about things. So occasional short term memory lapses - even one as blatant as that- would not concern me unless coupled with other signs of dementia like getting lost, getting confused, personality changes, etc.
I’m going to give Bob a pass for getting out of the car at the cemetery. Was it a matter of etiquette, yes, but plenty of people don’t have the sense of this. Etiquette is different than manners. He indeed might have thought it was good manners to follow along with others - or that it might be BAD manners not to get out of the car.
And not siding with Bob , but that was a hell of a long day for someone who is in their 80’s AND the event was a funeral - a generally somber event potentially being even more somber when you are elderly. Hours in the car, socialization, being on edge cause “family” and now having to sit through dinner. His foggyness might have just been a sign of exhaustion.
I agree with @abasket that it was a long tiring day and as you get older it gets harder.
I’m just glad that your mil got to see her brother a few weeks ago. How special that was able to happen.
I hope your mil is happy with Bob. The money thing is quite interesting. It feels as if Bob married a purse and a nurse and I hope mil is prepared for that reality
Don’t you sometimes wish you could pay for a meal out at the beginning instead of at the end of a meal? I guess that is what fast casual is for!
Sometimes the whole paying the bill becomes a hassle when it’s time to go. Like in this situation, sort of a sour note at the end of time together
I really agree; my favorite restaurant meals have been prix fixe (sp?) where you pay/arrange the whole thing in advance and just show up. For the same reason, I prefer rideshare to taxis. I also thought that Bob may have thought he was being more polite to get out of the car.
I thought the bill was paid but Bob might have forgotten that it was already signed and paid for
I’m sure he was beyond exhausted at that point
One of the times we took my mil out to lunch, she asked the waitress to put a $2 tip on the bill when she was paying with her credit card. I had to run around to give the waitress tip money. Mil was confused
The next time I paid. We go to a Mexican restaurant and it’s not expensive but I don’t leave a $2 for anything but maybe coffee. Besides I didn’t have any cash that time!
I know folks think 80 is old and 80+ people can be feeble and frail, but being very familiar with many 80+ folks, I have to say there is considerable variability. Some are still vibrant and engaged and kind and thoughtful. Some are busy running important organizations and nonprofits and being in charge of major clinical studies coordinating with multiple different medical centers.
So glad MIL was able to spend time with her brother before he died. It is great you guys were able to drive them and save them the drive both directions.
I have to agree with @HImom that some 80 plus year old people are still doing very well. My mom turned 84 last month and she is doing great. Drives to my youngest brother’s house each morning to help his 3 kids get ready for school and get on the bus, plays bridge twice a week, volunteers at the thrift store, walks 2-3 miles at least 3 days a week, etc. I am thankful everyday that she is still able to do all of the things she enjoys. I know that at her age things can turn on a dime, but for now she is living her best life.
With my husband’s parents, 80 was great. They had energy and did things. They were able to drive and travel.
Things started to change as they got into their later 80’s.
For us, 80 was a very different experience than 86,87 and beyond.
My mil has had a fall and a couple of bouts of covid. Each illness has had an effect. This last year with a fall and a mild case of Covid, she is definitely slower, more tired and her cognitive abilities have taken a decline.
My last trip to South Africa with my parents was when my dad was 81. I had a hard time keeping up with him! His disastrous heart surgery was the next year. He went off the cliff. Sometimes I think it would have been better if he hadn’t had the surgery (it wasn’t a life-saving procedure or anything).
My spouse was GREAT at 80. At 83 (turning 84 in a few weeks), he’s definitely having more issues than previously. The past 18 months have been multiple doctor visits, surgical interventions, ER visits and other medical stuff we never had previously. He’s still doing better than many of his peers.
You’re 100% correct. We do know (many of us who have followed this thread) that Bob and MIL are on the “older” side of 80s and that there have been other concerns about their aging, particularly Bob.
My mom had a part time job at a fitness center where she was fitness active until she was 84. We sure can all hope for the same (fit, not necessarily working lol)
After starting the Mother’s Day thread and writing that we were having mil and Bob over on Sunday for an early (week ahead) Mother’s Day brunch while our ds is in from out of state, I wanted to come over here and let y’all know that I did extend an invite to sil and dear nephew to come to our town to join us for the brunch. Sil quickly replied, “We’ll pass.”
Having just done the trip for mil’s brother’s funeral last week, I understand what a long trip (three hours each way) it is. But I absolutely wanted to be fully transparent and let sil know I was having them over and extend an invite to her and dear nephew to join us. I’m not trying to one up sil by trying to ingratiate myself to mil/Bob. I’m not excited about having them over and wish we didn’t have to put up with Bob. But the reality is that we are stuck with him now, and the fact that mil chose to marry him doesn’t mean she stopped being my dh’s mother.
If sil wants any kind of meaningful relationship with her mother she is going to have to soften her stance.
Wise words! I hope your SIL comes around. Hope the day goes smoothly for you and Bob dials down the Bobishness a bit and/or having your S and the dog around will be a nice distraction.
, but that was a hell of a long day for someone who is in their 80’s AND the event was a funeral - a generally somber event potentially being even more somber when you are elderly. Hours in the car, socialization, being on edge cause “family” and now having to sit through dinner. His foggyness might have just been a sign of exhaustion.