@Hoggirl it sounds like you and your H have done/ are doing everything you can. I’m my opinion SIL is making a bad decision by being stubborn about this and she may well regret that later.
Hope all goes well and Bob is…well tolerable.
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This isn’t just about being in the same airspace as Bob.
It’s seeing her nephew, meeting his dog and also spending time with her mother.
If she wants to make a statement, well she is and to me it’s cutting off her nose to spite her face.
Good for you for being inclusive which is exactly the correct thing to do
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We had our early Mother’s Day brunch yesterday. It was okay. There is something wrong with one of Bob’s hearing aids, so he was wearing one of mil’s??? 
It clearly wasn’t working well as he had an even harder time hearing than usual. We also learned that the glasses he wears for TV watching are broken.
I had set everything out buffet style other than the egg casserole which I served since it was hot and harder to deal with. He wasn’t the first to go through the line, but he didn’t seem to get what was going on. I mean he’d seen mil and my ds get their food?? I asked, “Do you want me to serve you everything?” and he said, “Yes.” Just no idea if that was expected by him or what he thought.
The conversation, as usual, was challenging, and mil was having to repeat things more than usual. She just rarely initiated any of the convo. She answers questions posed to her, but things aren’t elaborated on much. I think this is primarily an age-related issue, but I don’t think Bob helps. The more she says, the more she has to repeat - often more than once.
She seemed appreciative of the effort, but it was a day about her being a mother/grandmother, not a day about both of us being mothers. We got her a card and flowers along with my preparing their brunch.
We did get some nice photos which I posted. I did not post the one I took of her and Bob because 1) he claims he doesn’t like to have his picture on FB (he isn’t even in FB) 2) we didn’t take a couple pic of dh and me, and 3) primarily because he isn’t a mother/grandmother or son/grandson.
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For some reason, I couldn’t get these pics to load on the above post.
One is a screen shot of a FB comment from one of mil’s friends on my post (I tagged everyone) and then mil’s reply to that comment.
The other is a text I then received from my sil about her feelings about her mother’s reply to that comment. Hopefully they show up in order.
Remember, I did invite sil and dear nephew. Though I certainly didn’t share that with mil. Sil has not, “liked,” my FB post. I think she may be mad that dh and I seem accommodating to Bob and mil. But, I will not let that dissuade me from doing what I perceive to be the right thing.
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I honestly hope your SIL has someone in her life who keeps reminding her “play stupid games, win stupid prizes”. A therapist, friend, confidante. I don’t think her “I won’t be in the same room as Bob” game is getting her anywhere. And nobody lives forever.
We all need someone– anyone- who can give us a reality check when we’ve dug in our heels…
Your brunch sounds lovely!
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She’s just trying to find fault anywhere she can at this point. She’s grasping at straws. She knows full well her Mom wasn’t saying anything to exclude her on purpose. Just wants to rag on her.
So MIL is having to repeat things to Bob for herself?
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I woiuld’ve responded, “Well, you could have been!”
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I can relate to the repeating everything
My fil was so hard of hearing. He would ask us to repeat what we said at least every other sentence. It’s exhausting!
He wouldn’t hear what was repeated either but would agree like he did.
I wonder if mil is just exhausted of having a conversation and having to repeat the conversation. Easier not to talk than this exhausting game of telephone
Agree that sil is being petty. She doesn’t get to have a say. She was invited, she’s the one who chose not to come.
Mil probably doesn’t want to air all the laundry on what is happening so she made a decision on her comment. Facebook isn’t that place either.
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While that is true, I’m not going to poke the bear. Maybe she is regretting her choice?
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You may be right.
Yes, she has to repeat herself sometimes, too. But more has to repeat what others say. Of course, she and Bob always sit quite close together, and she always sits on his right side. His right ear is his, “better,” ear. Not sure which hearing aid is needing to be repaired. I forget the issue, but Bob said he hoped it could be repaired rather than needing to buy a new one.
Mil does not know I invited sil and dear nephew. If I didn’t make that clear earlier. I might not have.
I hope so. And I hope she sees that life goes on whether she’s there or not. She’s choosing to be left out. All you can do is continue to include her.
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You did. Mil is not going to mention that her relationship right now with her daughter isn’t going well.
The kids plural could have been an innocent mistake also. Didn’t mean anything
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Wanted to point out that I think the kids plural is accurate, imo. The kids referring to her son and daughter-in-law.
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All you can do is show some grace, do what you think is right, and remember the only actions you can control are your own. Seems like your on track!
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Warning - this is a venting post.
Sil and I are so frustrated with mil. One of dh’s cousins had a stroke. We think he will be okay, but there is a lot of uncertainty at the moment with updates being shared across a few different texting threads. Mil made an initial, superficial comment when the news first broke: “Things sound tough for the __________ family. Keep me posted.” Which sil has with two other updates on our three-person group text to which there has been NO acknowledgement from mil. Mil posts her word puzzles and makes a comment on the weather and goes on with her day. In the meantime, she is acknowledging and responding to comments on my FB one-week-early Mother’s Day brunch post (where she is tagged). BTW, the only comments she replies to are those that praise how great she looks/what a beautiful family she has. Any other comments (from her FB friends, not mine) get zero acknowledgment. As some of you know from some of my other posts, mil has always been rather fixated on outward appearances.
All that to say that her lack of empathy and self-absorption has only increased. Whether this is a function of age or the influence of Bob, we do not know. But neither of us cares for it.
TL;DR. Thanks for letting me vent.
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so sorry to hear the frustration.
My experience is that the empathy gene is reduced as our parents age. And sounds like she’s already been more concerned about appearances. I can relate. My mil will frequently say “did you post that photo of all of us on FB?” Um, no, I did not. Because that is not my thing.
I wonder if they feel like they did their duty as a parent and now is their time to show the world how amazing their life is?
…. and we think the younger generation is SM focused. HAAAAA!
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Hope your husband’s cousin can bounce back ok from the stroke. 
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My dad, who was never, ever fixated on appearances, once commented out loud about another patient in a doctor’s office waiting room as being “a fatty.” Mind you, I, his fat daughter, was sitting next to him and he never, ever commented on my weight.
That, and maybe whistling past the graveyard? But hurtful to be sure.
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Agree. My mother was never the most empathetic person, but she became even less so as she aged. I think part of it was that she just forget about others.
@Hoggirl I’m sorry,it is frustrating, Nothing you can really do, but feel free to continue to vent here.
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