@Hoggirl : Would it be worth a comment like, “You seem to spend all your time with Bob. You never did that with FIL.” Just to see how she responds?
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I was running out the door when I posted.
I’m pretty sure it’s the personality of my friend. I do wonder if there’s some insecurity in the relationship because they aren’t married and haven’t been together that long.
They seem more tied to each other than my husband and I. Who do plenty of things separately.
But I also think that her fiancé likes that she is very deferential to him. He likes being in charge.
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Did you always do everything separately or were you glued at the hip when you first started dating? MIL and Bob haven’t even been married a year. They are teenagers in love. When the honeymoon is over, maybe MIL will rue that she didn’t work at her friendships harder.
I had a roommate like this in college. New boyfriend (which she always lined up before dumping an old one) and I could go weeks without seeing her, even to stop by the apartment to wash clothes or grab something or check the mail (she got a letter from her mother every Tues with $20 in it). She definitely put men before friends.
I really think MIL thinks it is fun to have someone who always wants her around and that she doesn’t have to coordinate schedules with him like she did with L or even SIL. She may not love swabbing the decks, but she loves the Bob wants her, and one one else, there.
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When you love boating, any time spent on the boat, even sprucing it up, is a joy. 
Maybe she was worried about Bob going to do this alone - in the heat or otherwise, couldn’t talk him out of NOT going. So she didn’t put up a fuss about going….
Having a boat is a lot of work. Not just turn the motor on and feel the breeze, catch the fish, see the sunset. How fit is Bob?
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He is trim. I think he used to go to the CCRC gym some, but idk if he still does that. Probably, since he is such a creature of habit. He had both hips replaced while married to wife #4.
I know he takes high blood pressure medicine.
Both his vision and hearing are bad.
That is about all I know 
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Today was interesting.
I have a 91-year-old newish friend from church who lives at the CCRC. She had invited me to come have lunch with her there today. Well, you guessed it - I ran into mil and Bob at the lunch spot. She was surprised to see me. Mil has played bridge once with my friend, and Bob knows her as they are both long-term residents at the CCRC. We exchanged pleasantries and then saw another couple from our church and chatted with them while we were waiting for our food. Bob and mil had sat down at a table inside behind where we were standing talking to the other church friends. Friend and I had decided to sit outside. When we started to head that way, mil said, “We were going to see if you wanted to join us.” They were already seated at a two-top table! I told her, “No, thank you - we want to sit outside, and I don’t want to interrupt your date.” Truth be known, I didn’t want to have to repeat everything multiple times for Bob. My friend is fairly recently widowed, and she certainly didn’t have including mil & Bob in mind when she invited me to lunch!
My friend and I were still chattering like magpies when Bob & mil left. They stopped by our outdoor table on their way out (today was the day of the political meeting/lecture) to say good-bye. I can’t remember exactly what mil said, but I could not help myself and said very pointedly, “Well, this is my first time I’ve dined here.” Mil made some noises about how we needed to eat there together sometime. Okay, well, you know this isn’t a public restaurant, right? You have to invite me.
My friend had toured me around a bit the last time I visited her delivering an Easter basket from the church. She toured me more today. I must say it is a lively and lovely place. My friend did say that the folks who live in the homes like Bob & mil have to be more intentional about socializing than those who live in the apartments which are connected to the main building with all the facilities.
Idk. Maybe I’m just a big baby. Maybe I should have previously invited myself and said to mil, “I’d love to see more of the facilities at the CCRC and experience dining there.” Even though I have taken her out to lunch three times and afternoon tea once. But the whole idea that mil has been there six months and never invited me to join her (or them) for lunch and show me around the place just needles me.
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How nice that your friend let you tour the facilities! It’s MIL’s loss that she’s not chosen to work more closely with you and invite you around the CCRC. You made a good choice to just have a nice meal with your friend and not deal with MIL and her 2-top table. I’m glad you and the friend enjoyed the meal & visit. MIL may find herself with very few who will socialize with her if she doesn’t work at it a bit more.
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I don’t thinkk you need to feel bad or guilty that you haven’t asked MIL to invite YOU to dine with her there. She IS the resident!
It’s funny that she was going to invite you to sit with them - but that they were at a two seater table. Were they going to suggest moving?
You could have said “next time we will work it out to eat here together”or something like that.
But I will say it’s also clear (and I get it) that you harbor some grudges about the whole situation. I think many of us would.
It does sound like a nice place!
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MIL has her issues but I’d give her a semi-pass on this one, only because she moved in with Bob, who was already a CCRC resident. Put differently, she chose Bob, not the CCRC so might not have been as excited to show it off. She may not have even gotten a full orientation herself.
Yes, it would have been the socially graceful thing to do to invite you to join them for a meal at the CCRC. Maybe she’s less familiar with how that works. Maybe she looks forward to getting out.
Just saying that your friend’s situation may have made her more aware of the possibility of inviting guests and more interested in it.
Hopefully, this lit a little fire under MIL.
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Okay, CC hive mind - I need your guidance.
Friend L (former neighbor of mil) went to a neighborhood get together. She was pulled aside by another neighbor/friend (Friend S). Friend S told Friend L she’d received a phone call out of the blue from mil. First she’s heard from her since moving. Like all the other neighbors, didn’t receive a good-bye. Friend S has an adult child who lives in our town. Mil asked Friend S when she was coming to visit adult child again, she’d love to get together when she does, and how often does she come here, etc. Friend S asked Friend L if mil ever contacts her. Friend L said, “No.” Friend L called sil telling her about this convo that Friend S told her about and characterized it as mil being, “desperate for friends.” Though we here know Friend L can overreact/be hyperbolic. Sil knows this, too
So then sil called me all worried about mil not having any friends at the CCRC and just about her well-being in general. She doesn’t call mil because Bob is ALWAYS there listening. Mil doesn’t call sil or any other family members other than my dh IF she needs something. I had previously told sil I wasn’t reaching out to mil about any more girly outings since she doesn’t reciprocate. But, sil is worried about mil. So, I caved and told her I would reach out about lunch and shopping. That is happening tomorrow.
Where I need help is in phrasing questions so I do not going into either interrogation or cross-examination mode. The bottom line is that we want to know if mil is happy. But, we fear a direct question like that will not elicit much true info.
I’m thinking along the lines of, “Now that you’ve been at the CCRC for five months or so, is it living up to your expectations?” “Tell me about the new friends you are making.” That sort of thing??? But, we also want to know if she is feeling trapped or isolated by Bob.
I believe there are some great communicators on here, so I’d appreciate any suggestions on ways to get her to open up and not put her on the defensive.
TIA for sticking with me!
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First off, I think it’s great that you reached out and are taking MIL for lunch. I know she doesn’t reciprocate but I’ve found in my family that we are always the one reaching out. It’s very much a one way street. We’ve given up on expecting anything else even though it does stink.
Secondly, I think MIL may just miss her old friends. I wouldn’t read too much into that in isolation.
I think you are spot on in what you are thinking in terms of questions and not putting her on the spot so she doesn’t get defensive. Love the idea about asking about new friends. I also think it would be fair game to ask her what she likes the most about her new home/community, and conversely what has been the hardest. I think it would also be fair game to ask her what it’s like to be remarried. I’d keep the last one totally open ended and see where she goes with it.
Hope you report back after lunch/shopping!
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Ask her questions to draw her out, NOT questions she can answer with Yes/No.
What activities have you tried at the CCR, and which do you like?
Tell me about friends you’ve made or people you can see yourself being friends with…
How are you doing at keeping in touch with your old friends - maybe you could invite them down to spend time with you?
Just ideas
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Tell a little fib - “Acquaintance asked about the CCRC. I said I’d collect info and get back to her. So MIL, what would you tell someone about living at the CCRC? Pros? Cons?” Then draw her out with follow up questions.
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These are all great!!
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I’d tell her that you want to arrange a girl’s day (I doubt you can talk her into a weekend) like you used to do with L and SIL, and maybe S when she’s up visiting her child. What kind of things could you plan together (lunch, spa, shopping?) or even an event you could attend together that Bob may not like (theater, concert that he can’t hear?). Focus on that they miss her and want to plan something.
Does MIL have any classes at the CCRC that you two could do together? I know that’s work for you, but take one for the team. Painting,ceramics, water aerobics? This could lead to a discussion on what she’s been doing at the CCRC. When your friend showed you around, did you notice anything she might like to do and you could ask her about. You could bring up that the meal you had with your friend was so nice and then ask if she and Bob often eat at the restaurants and which do they like best (I’m assuming there are a few?).
I’d make any conversations entirely about her. She seems to like that.
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I would avoid asking her about new friendships; it may make her feel defensive. I would do anything to keep the conversation going, even if it’s pleasant inquiries about life with Bob. If she talks in a nondefensive, unguarded manner, you’ll best be able to gauge her mood. No suggestions unless she asks. IMHO of course,
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I may be feeling ornery.
I think it’s nice that you are taking her out to lunch. I think you can ask her how things are going.
But and this is only my opinion. You don’t need to solve other people’s problems. Your sil could talk to her mother. Your sil could try and mend their relationship. Your husband is doing what he’s always been doing.
Your mil has decided this is what she wants. She seems ok with the situation. She is spending time with Bob. Her new husband. She could have called her friend because that friend hasn’t been trying to change her and hasn’t meddled. The way friend L has.
Just one person’s opinion
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This is very astute. I don’t know friend S, so she definitely wasn’t as close to mil. So probably hadn’t offered her unsolicited opinions as Friend L has.
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Talk about your excitement that you and H are moving soon. Ask her “what has YOU excited lately?!”
“Now that you’ve been at the CCRC for ___ months, what’s your favorite thing about it?”
In other words, I would not ask any questions pointedly asking about friends and happiness. I would ask conversational questions (not a checklist) that encourage her to be a little more detailed.
Happy or not MIL is not going to admit that to you all. And she may not be “happy” or “sad” - she may just be content. Which might be enough.
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When my mother was 87, all she wanted was for her grandchildren to call or send a card once in a while. And some did. Those who lived in town would stop by and bring her soup or help her garden for an hour. Those who lived OOT would call or send cards and sometimes even flowers.
I’ll take ‘content’ at 87.
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