I love J.Jill. This year alone I’ve bought a pair of pants and two tops from them. The fact that they have petite sizes in the store (unlike WHBM) makes me love them even more.
Back to your regularly scheduled programming!
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I think one of the most frustrating things is her lack of follow through when she does tell us something.
On Sunday (Father’s Day) she told us they were going to some sort of radio controlled model sailboat race event with Bob’s son and his wife. She never said anything about it after it happened. I get that she’s not obligated to, but this would have been something she had never done before. Did she like it? Did she hate it? Looked rainy part of the time - did that have any impact? This is just one example of a pattern. She doesn’t share much to begin with, but then when she does, there is zero follow up. She and Bob were going to hear that political speaker at the CCRC. Well, how was it? What did she think? When the daughter and her son came and visited and stayed with them from out of state - how was it? She never says anything after the fact. To me, constantly asking, “How was it?” over and over again (which is what we would have to do) feels interrogating.
The issue with that is we don’t know if she just doesn’t think to share follow ups, or if she is intentionally not sharing follow ups. And, if it’s intentional, why is she not?
She has always been a pretty good communicator. That is not the case now. Having run into that different CCRC friend of mine walking on the trail and her telling me that he intentionally kept wife #4 from her family just raises our spidey senses about why she is so much less open.
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When I visit my sister, I always encourage her to invite a friend with us for lunch or dinner. On my last visit, I think I had meals with five or six of her friends.
I got into this habit when I visited my son in graduate school. At his wedding, there was a table of high school friends, another of college friends, and a third with graduate school friends. I was pleased that I had met everyone before.
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It seems like there are two camps:
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don’t ask the tough questions. just have a nice lunch
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pump her for details. use this as an opportunity.
… and a few gray in-between.
I would use the same strategy I do when I have a tough conversation with my kids - try the hard questions in a place you are slightly distracted - ie. shopping. You don’t have to make eye contact and have an uncomfortable silence. Find ways to sideways get into the question without putting her on the defensive.
Save the lunch for the fun ‘chit-chat’. Be ready to share something about you or your family so that she feels like she needs to serve the ball back and share something also.
I don’t think it is your job to report back to Friend L or sil the details. You can report back to them “she is fine”. And maybe encourage them to open up a dialogue that is non-judgemental and find a way back to being friends/family without the drama.
good luck.
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Avid thread follower but infrequent commenter and I would agree that you should let the conversation flow naturally toward things you’ve been worried about (mostly that MIL is not continuing to do the things that she enjoyed doing pre-Bob, neither with him as he eluded to pre-move nor without him as a way to make new friends/some girl-time friends/her own identity in the CCRC and not just as Bob’s #whatever wife) and not let SIL/Friend L use you to do their bidding. I think now that the dust is settling on the whiplash inducing past year, the goal should be continuing to empower MIL to regain her identity and nurture those hobbies that brought her joy previously because while its lovely that she is happy sharing life with a partner again, there is plenty of time and opportunity to enjoy both at the CCRC.
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I’ll go further. I don’t think you should report back to SIL or Friend L or Friend S…or anyone else (except maybe your husband). If you do, they will expect a periodic update from you. You aren’t responsible for conveying any info about MIL to them at.all.
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I 100% agree with this. I would share what you learn with your H but then stay out of what he does with that information. You definitely don’t want to set yourself up to be in the middle of SIL/Friends and MIL.
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I don’t think anyone is wanting a super detailed, “report.” Well, maybe Friend L is. I think sil is wanting reassurance that mil is doing okay - socially, physically, and mentally.
To be fair, she absolutely could get her behind up here, lay eyes on mil, and assess those things for herself. I’m trying to think of a way to phrase that to her that doesn’t put her on the defensive. As everyone knows, dh and I have told her she is welcome to come stay with us anytime. I had previously speculated to dh she will use the disruption of our move as a reason NOT to come up over the summer. We move in about 4 weeks.
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Just lay it out to her. She’s part of the problem that MIL doesn’t communicate openly.
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It’s not your job to encourage your SIL to do anything with her mother. You have tried. This is your husband’s family.
It’s nice that you are taking MIL for an outing and just make it a fun time. You really don’t have to report back to anyone!
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I agree with this. Don’t take on too much responsibility. Whenever I try to get too involved with DH’s family, it never ends well.
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I have a different perspective. I’ve know my husband’s family since I was 18 years old and officially part of the family for 33 years. My parents are gone (as I believe are hoggirls) and for better or worse, this is the closest family I’ve got outside my brother who lives clear across the country (and obviously H and D). I consider H’s family just as much my circus as my own were.
That said there is a similar dynamic with my MIL and SIL and I’m often “consulted”. I do a lot of listening and not a lot of talking but I am invested in what happens. I’m very close to SIL….she was only 16 when we first met and I feel like we’ve grown up together.
The only difference is that I’m not triggered as much by my inlaws as I was with my own parents (because they didn’t install those buttons ; )) so I can listen a bit less emotionally. I also let H manage the heavy lifting with his family.
In the end though, H’s family are my people and my circus too.
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FWIW - we always ask the kids “How was X?” if they mention they have anything coming up. To us, it shows that we were listening to them and cared enough to remember what is going on in their world… Of course, we also text constantly and have no ulterior motives.
Edit - I’m also in the camp of don’t take on too much responsibility!!!
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I think your outing is today??
Put your agenda aside and just go have the day like you would with any other friend or family member.
You will chat, you will gain some info through chatting. Do with that what you will.
Don’t make the outing a mission.
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Yes. My parents were both killed when dh and I were engaged. I have no siblings. I do not have much extended family at all. For the most part, dh’s family never had to share him.
So, they are the only circus I have.
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Except us! 
(longtime thread lurker, first time poster here)
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Hugs.
BUT- OP can care, love, be invested without having to become the go-between because other people in MIL’s life cannot or won’t do what seems to me to be very normal behavior.
Close friends who have no idea how MIL is adjusting to marriage and the new place to live? That’s on them. One of them picks up the phone. They make a date to try that new Boba place and then it’s a mutual discussion- MIL describes being wife number 4 (if she wants) and the friend describes the annoyance of discovering they have termites and need to move out for a few days.
SIL who won’t be in the same room as Bob and who is somehow surprised that she’s out of the loop with her mother? That’s on her to fix. “Hey mom, remember how much we loved Toy Story when the first movie came out? Want to figure out a date for us to see the new one together? Which one of us will cry more?”
I’m just not seeing that Hoggirl’s love for her husband’s family needs to translate into her doing all the emotional labor AND all the logistics of keeping everyone apprised of MIL’s new marriage, new house, new life. Even the grandchildren are old enough to use a phone, make a plan, ask “Hey grandma, is it weird figuring out where things go after so many years of living in the same house?”
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My ds called her yesterday. He calls her about once a month. To my knowledge, sil’s son never reaches out to her. He didn’t before this all came about either. He saw her more frequently via family gatherings because he lived near her. He never had to be intentional about seeing mil.
IMO, sil has poisoned the well too much with her own son. While dh and I have been very transparent with our ds about our concerns with mil’s decision, we have not painted Bob as this horrible person. We are clear that: 1) we don’t understand why mil so rapidly made the decision to marry Bob and uproot her entire life, 2) we are unimpressed by Bob’s marriage track record which creates a level of mistrust for us, and 3) Bob is difficult to be around (primarily because of his hearing loss). All three times that ds has visited us from out-of-state since Bob and mil married, we have all spent time together, and ds has gone to see them separately in their home.
I have witnessed sil disparaging Bob in front of her own ds (our nephew). We do not do that.
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It’s terrific that you are modeling good behavior for your son. And it is clearly paying off- both now, and someday when you guys are old and cranky!
Would it help everyone’s mental status if you started thinking about Bob’s hearing loss as an actual disability and not some awful character flaw? I know how irritating it is to be around someone who is in denial about their hearing– it makes meals impossible, it’s kind of infuriating that the rest of the world is supposed to revolve around someone who refuses to deal with a fixable problem.
BUT- I have become more charitable (and less annoyed, and less stressed out) when I remind myself that nobody wishes to be disabled. It doesn’t fix the hearing, but it makes me less testy!!!
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I may need to do that with my in-laws! I just wish they’d wear their hearing aids
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