I’ve got a family member who has gone from “gee, I should get my hearing tested” to “Why do actors on TV mumble so much” to “You really need drapes in the dining room to muffle the outside noise, it’s too hard to hear people” (house is in the woods. The only outside noise is an owl every midnight). The obvious solution- since they spend all their leisure time at Costco anyway, just show up and get your hearing tested– never occurs to them because it’s everyone else’s problem.
But I’m less irritable now that I’ve officially classified this as a disability and who isn’t sympathetic to a disability?
Difference is that there is a fix for this disability and they just refuse it. Like to point out that it’s easier to get hearing fixed while you’re still mobile.
I know elderly people who have fallen multiple times who refuse to use a walker. There are lots of disabilities for which there are “fixes” but people refuse to use them.
It’s really really frustrating, though, when the person could just get their hearing tested & get hearing aids to fix the problem…yet they refuse. When there’s an actual solution to the disability, I’m not quite as patient & understanding.
I’m coming to this from a very influenced by my recent personal situation lens, but…there are a number of things @Hoggirl has posted about Bob in the past that make me think he may have some neurological issues. In my experience, those issues make it impossible for the person to a) realize there really is a problem, and b) have the EF skills needed to solve it.
It doesn’t make it any less frustrating, but it helps me temper my exasperation.
I am on my third pair of hearing aids . I loved loved loved my first pair, hated my second and tolerate my third . I wore the first pair constantly and the others as little as possible . I wish they still made the first ones!
Not really answering your question because by this time you’ve gotten every perspective. But I’m wondering if she reached out to Friend S because she wants / misses some of the old town gossip via an in-person chat. Maybe including talking about Friend L if she knows Friend L has strong opinions about her travel plans with Bob. Or she wants Friend S to convey positive things to the old crowd if she worries Friend L has made negative comments. The other thought I had was whether she’s thinking of Friend S as a ride source back to the old town for visiting.
Mil was, for the most part, much more engaging than she was when I took her out for her belated birthday lunch. Seemed less on edge and more like herself.
She seems pretty happy to me. It sounds like she is being more intentional about playing bridge. Says she is happy that she is meeting people that way.
She had a very successful shopping day. She bought two pairs of tennis shoes and three pairs of shorts at Dillards and 3 pairs of cropped pants, two sweaters, and two tops at J. Jill. Then we went back to Dillards for make-up for her!
I asked a few more pointed questions on the drive home. “What has been the most surprising thing about moving to the CCRC?” “They don’t have a bar.” Lol “What has been the hardest part of moving?” “Not knowing my way around.” She says she feels less autonomous. Not exactly sure what that means, but she said it in the context of not knowing her way around town.
The only concerning thing she shared was that Bob wants to get back to taking the boat out himself. Without his son accompanying them. I believe I have mentioned the son has some health issues. Mil shared he has multiple medical appointments this week. I think Bob wants the ability/freedom for the two of them to take the boat out themselves. She says she will be comfortable with that even though she previously said they would NOT go out without someone else on board with them. Apparently, Bob needs to learn how to get the boat in and out of the new, smaller slip. The boat is 32’, but it was previously moored in a 50-ft slip! The boat is in a smaller slip now. I am not super comfortable with the idea of just the two of them taking the boat out because his sight and hearing are both poor. But, what can ya’ do??
Two asides:
Bob has and wears hearing aids. My belief is that his hearing loss is so profound that they don’t help him much. Remember he was researching cochlear implants.
I have not shopped much at J. Jill, but they do have some cute things! This is what I bought for myself today. It’s much cuter IRL. The website photos don’t clearly show that the eyelet openings are all over the jacket.
I’m glad you had a good day with MIL, and it sounds like it flowed pretty “naturally” or whatever. It does sound like she opened up at least a little.
I think it is fair to report back to you SIL that she seems like she’s becoming more her old self kind of things, because those are your observations, but you probably want to not share too many details that may get back to MIL. It seems to me you’re doing a great job trying to navigate this “situation.” I really hope your SIL comes around at some point, and I wish your nephew would make some effort to call/see his grandmother.
I shop at J. Jill a fair amount. I have several warm weather dresses from there, and a pair of pants or two. Their tops can be frustrating/seem to have inconsistent sizing/can be pretty boxy.
I’d keep it brief with your SIL. Something like “we had a nice afternoon outing” and that’s that. If she wants to know more about what her mother is doing, she needs to take some initiative, in my opinion.
Maybe put something breezy in the morning group game text? “FYI, MIL had such a great day yesterday. Maybe she’ll send pics when she wears one of her new outfits!” That way everyone has the same info – no one is triangulating, and MIL knows you aren’t talking about her behind her back.
Is there a harbormaster who keeps an eye on who is struggling/likely to cause damage to the other boats? If so, this problem may take care of itself. The liability of allowing Bob unlimited access to his own boat… hey, sometimes we can keep our mouths shut and let commercial instincts take over!
Glad the day was fun and sounds like MIL got a nifty haul and some time away from the fishbowl. Gotta say, she sounds overall like a very well adjusted senior, despite some of the challenges she’s faced and that y’all are facing.
You are a really nice person to keep extending yourself.
I would really be concerned about Bob taking the boat our by himself especially if he is not comfortable getting the boat in and out of the slip. This could be a huge issue if he hits another boat or if someone gets injured.
Glad you all had a good time! Love the new jacket!
There must be a spry boater senior hanging around that center who would love to get on the water and accompany Bob.
Got an idea–If Bob goes to Notes, e-mail (anywhere you would write a letter) and turns on the microphone he can record a conversation and read it in real time (probably a word or two behind). Then just delete draft when done.
I just tried it out and think it might work. Especially at a dining table where people are closer quarters. Can change the font if the original is too small for quick reading. Worth at least a try. Play around with it–might save some of those constant repeats since he can’t hear.
This happened to one of our late yacht club members….
Another maritime misadventure took place in waters closer to home, when he was in his 80’s. Sailing alone, he became entangled with a line on his boat and fell overboard. He spent some time in the water while being towed across Captain’s Harbor by his craft on auto-pilot. “He’s a tough guy,” said a fellow boater who came to his rescue near Old Greenwich Cove, in a newspaper account of the mishap in 2008.
I wonder if there are any younger sailors who may not have their own boats who would like to sail with Bob just to get to sail a nice boat and have a free day of sailing.
I was at a corporate event in San Diego (long time ago) and a bunch of the older guys decided to rent a boat (pretty big one). We had a lot of captains and just my one friend (who was about 35) as the deck monkey. Poor Greg was doing all the work, putting up sails, climbing all around to do the ropes while the ‘experienced sailors’ were just steering and barking orders. We would not have made it back without Greg doing all the work.
Still, they Captains did manage to hit another boat and cause some damage getting back into the slip.
Just thinking that maybe there is someone who would like to sail and can’t afford to have his own boat who might be able to help.
Just a reminder. Bob no longer owns a sailboat. He now has a 32” cabin cruiser with twin engines. I can’t imagine how they’d go about finding someone to captain it for them. They like going during the week. I was relieved that mil said they will not take it out on the 4th of July.
There is no harbor master. His boat is at a privately owned marina on a large lake. The person with whom he traded slips is actually the marina manager. I don’t know the proportions of boat slips, but I can only imagine his previous one at 50’ was wider than his new, smaller one??
I also did some reading about the notes/microphone phone thing. Seems like it isn’t the best tool for holding conversations as pauses cause the microphone to cut off? It does sound like there are other types of options. I don’t know how amenable Bob would be to that sort of concept, in general. He did not know how to text until he started communicating with mil, so he’s not tech-savvy. He also has challenges with all the bells and whistles on his car.
I do appreciate all the brainstorming and suggestions!
