In my opinion, friend L is not really a friend. At this point, I would stop communicating with her. She just doesn’t need to be included in your family “discussions”.
9 Likes
You’re probably right. Sil sees her for lunch and shopping periodically. Friend L will probably tell her if there is any significant neighborhood gossip that relates to mil. Then sil will tell me.
Friend L is not without redeeming qualities. But she is kind of a know-it-all, very opinionated, and definitely values being right over relationship.
3 Likes
And Mil has demonstrated she can reach out to the other friend. Who sounds like a much more supportive and understanding friend.
Seems to me that Friend L is just looking for gossip to spread in MILs old town.
6 Likes
Sounds like “Friend L” is showing her true pot-stirring colors. I agree the least said to her about MIL the better.
2 Likes
@Hoggirl, is your new home near the old one?
Yes! It’s even in the same neighborhood. It’s a new development. They started with townhomes (which is what we are in now), but the rest will be single family homes.
So, yes, we will still only be about a mile and a half from mil and Bob. We really don’t see them frequently, though.
6 Likes
I think a lot of us have a friend L. I know I do.
Bossy, opinionated but there’s something about them that you enjoy!
8 Likes
A friend L can be counted on to tell you her truth, e.g., “ that dress is awful” Or, pushing you to stop procrastinating and get to a doctor.
1 Like
When is this cruise? If you mentioned it previously, I have forgotten.
They leave August 31st - about eight weeks.
Not much news to report. I do know that a friend from her town is coming here sometime next week. NOT to specifically see mil, but to help a friend who is going through some sort of cancer treatment.
This Friend D who is coming here is the one who invited mil to join her and other former neighbors on the card-playing retreat in October. The one where mil wanted Bob to come even though no husbands or boyfriends have ever gone over the years they’ve been doing it. Not sure if that has been resolved. I think Friend D planned to bring that up when she sees her F2F. Friend D hoped to go out to dinner with just mil, but I’m not sure that will happen. Mil also wants friend D to see her house. Which, I understand. I think Friend D will decline to go out to dinner with BOTH of them if that is the only option, but idk.
2 Likes
The problem is that often at the age of 80, there is a lack in logic about a lot of things, even from the still “with it” seniors.
Loved you post! (The pow, pow, pow story is hilarious!) And appreciate the info on those new fangled, water-activated life vests. I think I am going to get a couple of those for our canoe (which is the biggest boat I have ever owned…)
4 Likes
Did you know a canoe can still be paddled even if full of water?
We had a canoe and put it in our pool and basically sank it–filled with water but it still floats. Turned upside down.
Then taught our cub scouts how to right it, get back in it and paddle it to the side.
It was so much fun. Hot summer day. The Boy Scout handbook certainly has some really good lessons!
9 Likes
My dad’s bookkeeper is getting more and more irritated with Dad’s lady friend. She has spent a TON of money redecorating Dad’s condo. Apparently she hasn’t been asking him, she just orders stuff. One bedroom had two twin beds. She got rid of both beds, then ordered a new twin bed with a trundle bed. ?? Why? And she got rid of all the artwork that my sister and mother picked out over the years. My sister is really annoyed - the condo has a lot of memories for her and she doesn’t appreciate all the remodeling done without her input. Sigh.
The financial advisor we hired was surprised to hear how much money was being spent on the renovations/redecorating, but said it’s OK if it means the place will be rented out more frequently. Well, LF has ANNOUNCED that they will be going down once a month. When that happens, Dad pays a caregiver 2/47 to go down with them. Now the other caregivers are annoyed that they’re losing work days, so LF told my dad he should still pay them, too! Bookkeeper said, nope, that’s not happening.
Over the years, Dad has let friends and employees use the condo for free. Now people EXPECT it, so about once a month the place is unavailable for renting since someone is using it without paying.
LF also suggests very expensive restaurants to go to when my sister and her family are in town, but it’s obvious that Dad won’t pay for Sis and crew. I told Sis she just needs to put her foot down and say they can’t afford X restaurant. Of course Dad ALWAYS pays for LF. And LF eats at his facility two or three times a week - he’s spending over $150 a month on that. She’s also gotten back to expecting the caregivers to pick her up to go to Dad’s, and then take her home at night.
Honestly, what’s hard for Sis and me is that Dad does all this stuff for friends, employees, and LF, but has absolutely closed the purse strings for his kids and grandkids. Especially when I have been spending time when problems/questions come up with his rental properties or other investments. Oh, well, I can’t do anything about it. I AM going to ask him if he will get DS and me something for our birthday on Tuesday (we share a birthday).
20 Likes
I’m sorry if this has been discussed before, but what’s the general impression of LF? Is she a longtime companion or is this a new relationship? Her habit of freely spending your dad’s funds rubs me the wrong way (as I’m sure it does, you, too).
This was a required activity to be allowed to take out canoes at my girls’ sleepaway camp. They hated having to do it each summer, but I’m sure glad they had the safety training.
4 Likes
Dad’s been seeing her for about four years now, hard to believe. She’s a very nice lady, and definitely cares about him. She’s a good companion and asks questions of the doctors. I can also hold a conversation with her easier than with Dad at this point.
BUT she seems to think that Dad has a limitless supply of money and he doesn’t. The caregivers have been complaining about not getting paid their regular hours when Dad goes to the coast - he likes to use one particular woman and they’re gone for a few days. So the advocate who oversees the crew is arranging for the women to take turns. The pay is 24/7 and a LOT more than they are “losing” when Dad isn’t there. But now these women are still asking for pay when Dad is gone, anyway! They take their complaints to LF, and she tells Dad he should do as they ask. Or they ask him directly and later tell the advocate, “Dr. ____ said he would pay us what we asked…” Uh, no! They are paid VERY well - if they were agency employees they would get about half of what my dad pays them. So I think we will make a policy that ALL financial and other concerns of the caregivers go to the advocate, NOT LF or Dad.
Coincidentally, this morning Sis and I are talking to the financial planner we hired to straighten out the mess with the family trust, etc. - I think she’s done and we want to make sure we understand everything. I will ask her for some wording along the lines oshe’s concerned about how much he’s been spending, so she suggested that all purchases more than X dollars need to be discussed with MLH or her sister first. If we make a general policy, hopefully LF won’t be offended. I won’t even tell you how much “extra” Dad had to withdraw out of his investment account this month. A scary amount.
9 Likes
I wrote the previous post earlier. We had a great call with the financial advisor. Wow, she’s awesome. She is VERY concerned about the cash Dad is burning through. She said I am Attorney in Fact, so I have a fiduciary duty to safeguard Dad’s savings. First off, she said LF is NOT TO USE DAD’S CREDIT CARD AT ALL without getting my approval. I guess I’ll deal with Dad’s wrath somehow!
Caregivers will not be allowed to “double dip.” NO ONE is allowed to talk to Dad about money. Any employee who does will be let go. Period. They can talk to the advocate about financial or other concerns, and then she can discuss the situation with me.
I am writing up a list of all the new rules and will send it shortly, after I’ve discussed it with my sister. I sent a quick email to the bookkeeper and advocate to give them a hint about what’s coming. The bookkeeper just responded, “THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU BOTH!!!”
24 Likes
I’m glad you are stepping in to help your dad navigate this so he will have the funds he needs to be comfortable and people won’t be taking advantage of him.
Perhaps the Lady Friend may be having cognitive decline as well and has no idea of how much is being spent and thinks it’s a bottomless resource.
Your dad and the bookkeeper & advocate are lucky you (& sister) are stepping in and helping protect your dad!
Our nonprofit has a safeguard—checks over $2500 have to be signed by 2 designated board members, just to have extra eyeballs. It has worked well for us for 20 years.
5 Likes
That sounds like a tough situation.
It seems mil and Bob are doing a good job of keeping their monies separated from each other. My concern is that Bob will blow through all of his own resources and then start in on mil’s. Wife #4 contributed less to the CCRC fees than mil is. I think Bob was more careful with finances when he was married to her. Given that the boat sat inoperable for five years and now is suddenly all repaired with a new generator and engines, etc and up and running is very telling to me.
Bob also bought a new Acura MDX last year when mil said she wouldn’t drive his jeep SUV. They weren’t married yet when he did that, but I think he knew it was likely to happen. As I’ve written before, I think she decided to move and marry him before she ever even saw him F2F. I think he knew that, too. I suspect she does most of the driving, though I know she prefers driving her own car (a sedan). At least the new Acura has many more safety features than mil’s 15-year-old Lexus.
Given the fact that mil’s resources exceed Bob’s he has less incentive to not spend his. If he blows through all his money, she will have to pay more of their fees. I don’t think Wife #4 could have done that. The CCRC never kicks anyone out, but they will force you to downsize. I mean, then they get yet another buy-in on the larger, always-in-demand place.
I think he uses his retirement fund as his bank account. If he continues to draw out the same amount out as he did last year, that will run dry in three years. It far exceeds his RMD.
12 Likes
So MIL could dump Bob and stay anyway, right? Just like the last wife?
4 Likes
Would a debit card be a better way to go?