We have one debit card with a low limit that Dad’s using. There’s a regular credit in the apartment, though, and LF feels free to use it. The caregivers need a card when they go out to buy supplies and groceries, so we’ll have to figure all of this out. I hope LF will just agree to contact me if she needs to buy something for Dad. I will tell her how concerned the financial advisor is, maybe that will help.
Fingers crossed that you can impress the LF that the credit card is not carte blanche and not to be used so freely. Could the credit limit be capped on the credit card so LF isn’t racking up such large expenses? Could LF just be given a pre-paid debit card? Just trying to think out loud.
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Who receives the CC bill? Do you see it regularly to know that the charges are reasonable from the start? Are receipts turned in? From the care givers as well as LF? Are groceries and supply charges reasonable also? No accusations here but carte blanche to use a CC for groceries and supplies just begs misuse overall.
I probably wouldn’t have mentioned it but now it seems you have some caregivers who are expecting much more than their already paid salary and may be just taking advantage. I’d suspect they think your dad has deep pockets given the LF spending.
This is a ton harder to navigate if you aren’t there in person to see what’s actually going on and talk to people one on one. Did the same with my aunt. You play that game of keeping the “trusted” person who’s been taking care of your loved one (and does that very well) or getting someone more truthful.
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Dad has an amazing bookkeeper who goes over each credit card bill and lets me know if she sees anything suspect. I will ask her if she gets receipts; it’s a good idea. We need to tighten up everywhere.
The bookkeeper is older than I am - I’m not going to let her retire! She sends me monthly balance sheets, profit and loss statements for his real estate properties, etc. She sends the most detailed invoices I’ve ever seen, a paragraph for each day she does anything (and that’s most days) - they’re helpful because I get an idea what’s going on.
From her last invoice, it looks like the caregivers were given the card with a low limit, but one day it got rejected. When the bookkeeper checked, there were two charges from “HelloVitaHealth” for $148 and $250. Dad continues to order supplements and vitamins, even though his doctor has told him he shouldn’t take any because they might interfere with his meds. The card limit was $150, so the second charge didn’t go through. Bookkeeper called the company, but they wouldn’t talk to her since she didn’t place the order (yeah, right). She disputed the charge and got a new card. She does all this stuff without me getting involved! I’m so thankful.
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Yes, BUT her buy-in amount was only for a studio apartment. So she’d have to leave the 2,000 sq ft home behind if she dumped him. I’m not really sure how they manage those situations if no applicably-sized apartment is available at the time. I would like to think this scenario doesn’t arise often because Bob is an anomaly.
They found space for Wife #4 in the healthcare/skilled nursing area. I thought that was only temporary until an apartment consistent with her buy-in amount was available. Remember she bought in as a widow and then Bob latched onto her after Wife #3 died. Not sure what size apartment she bought in for. I don’t know if her health/mobility has declined, but I believe she is now remaining in the healthcare/skilled nursing section permanently.
If Bob predeceases mil, she can remain in their current home, but she has to pay that level of fees, which are higher than a studio apartment.
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Ugh, I’m nervous about everything. Today I will have a phone call with bookkeeper (BK) to come up with procedures for monitoring/controlling Dad’s finances. Then Sis and I will talk to Dad, without LF in the room. Sis is in Austin right now, so she can be with him in person, at least. After that, Sis and I will talk to LF. I’m going to frame it as a problem we can all help solve.
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That sounds like a good approach. We’ll be rooting for you!
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Friend D (also a former neighbor) is in our town for another purpose this week, but she made time to go see mil and Bob last night. The original plan was for mil to grill. No, they still haven’t used the gas grill they bought in February because Bob is afraid of it - even though it was allegedly his idea to buy it. Mil had claimed they were going to, “practice,” Monday. That didn’t happen, and they just had dinner in the dining room at the CCRC (fun fact, Friend D had to buy her own dinner).
Friend D reported about her visit to Friend L who reported to sil who reported to me 
. Mil gave Friend D a brief tour of the facilities. Friend D asked, “Do you ever invite your ds and dil over to dine with you?” Mil: “No. We’re actually hoping ds (my dh) will come over and show us HOW TO USE THE GRILL!” Are you kidding me?!?! Dh has offered out loud and in person once, and I have offered on the group text twice. As recently as the July 4th weekend. Mil specifically wrote, “If we don’t get it up and going (on the weekend of the 4th), we’ll definitely ASK for help.” Nope!
So infuriating. They don’t need to, “hope,” - we’ve offered. She’s said, “no,” three times. But, it’s better for her to act like we are the issue rather than admitting that Bob is terrified of it. Cast her own son in a bad light, rather than Bob.
Friend D also reported that any time Bob spoke it was about himself or one of his former wives. He spoke of three of the four last night. Related to that, but on a positive note that contradicts what I wrote recently, wife #4 is no longer in the healthcare/skilled nursing section. That was only a temporary holding spot for her until an apartment became available. One finally did, but over a year since she left Bob.
Friend D also asked when mil was going to visit her dd/former town/family again. “We have no plans in the near future to do that.” Sil knows she needs to come here. I think she will only do a day trip. Which means just one lunch out. She doesn’t want Bob to join but knows it’s likely unavoidable. I know she doesn’t want to come here, but it seems like that is the only way she will see her mother. Unless another funeral comes up 
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Fwiw, living with a difficult person (like Bob) - even if by choice - is wearing. Every decision is about not only the actual decision ("when can my son to come over and help with the grill) but also about the difficult person’s reaction to that. And then dealing with the reaction, especially if things went a little sideways.
Which is all to say that mil, who comes with her own baggage, may be finding it particularly hard to do what she’d like. Iow, the downside of Bob is greater than the downside of not going to see SIL.
Your SIL may have to take action, even if not what she feels she should.
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All of this is making me feel that if I am ever widowed, I do not want to remarry or even live with someone.
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Even though she is using her son as an excuse, it’s probably best for all that they don’t use the grill if they are that hesitant about it.
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What about this. Is it worthwhile for @Hoggirl or H to say to MIL, “I heard (through friends mentioned above) that you would like some help with the grill - happy to do that as we have offered previously. When would he a good time for us to do that with you and Bob?” - part of my thought being if they have the grill, better to know how to use it safely instead of having them attempt unsafely.
Saying it politely also still lets you side in to the fact that you know she mentioned wanting help and YOU/H - so addresses that blame game thing!
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I think her late husband was that way also so it’s how she’s used to framing things.
Sounds exhausting to me but she willingly chose to marry again
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I’m right there with you on this. 
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Me three!
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Mil has always had and used a gas grill. She has always done all the grilling both before and after fil’s death. I think fil thought any kind of cooking was “women’s work.”
So, it’s not her - it’s Bob. Which concerns me because if my supposition is correct, it is demonstrative of the level of influence he has over her. And/or her willingness to acquiesce to his wishes.
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Absolutely not. I’m not going to admit to this game of telephone that has been going on.
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I’d let them live with no grilling. Hoggirl and her husband have offered multiple times to help. If MIL wants help she can ask.
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Certainly a choice!
I will say, either “team” can and is participating in the telephone game so to speak. MIL telling little white lies on her side, your side with a continuing game of “who did what to who”. Neither really helps to build a relationship. Depends what you’re looking for!
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17 people liked my post. Goodness, that certainly resonated.
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