Make that 18!
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Now there are certainly situations where widows/widowers marrying (or living together) can bring happiness to them. And peace of mind to them to their children who might worry if parent was living alone. But… that is usually not the case, especially if the partnership happens in later years.
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Many of our parents (my dad included) had reasonably successful marriages after being widowed or divorced. I have never been married and have gone back and forth about looking for a partner. Not looking right now but I haven’t closed the door.
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It’s such a personal choice to date after divorce or death of a spouse that I haven’t had any experience in. I don’t know how I would feel.
I don’t think there’s a wrong answer. I’ve had a very happy and successful marriage. Do I think I would want to merge my life with another if my H passed away? I think after 40+years, I would like to think I would be happy to be single. To experience life and friends, travel with like minded people.
My H’s brother had a late in life divorce. He really wanted to find a partner. He has, I’m very happy for him. That’s the right choice for him.
What I don’t want is to want to be in a relationship so badly that I make the choice of someone who doesn’t suit me. Would I want to be in a marriage with a person like Bob. Heck, double heck no! Not that!
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I always said I would never remarry if widowed. I didn’t expect to be in that situation at age 68. But here I am.
I have always been independent, not afraid to do things solo, I can entertain myself, etc. But …it’s lonely. Even with family and friends and activities, etc. I had a happy marriage for just shy of 45 years and I miss my husband. I still don’t ever see myself remarrying or living with a man, but I now get how some people jump at the chance to.
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Part of becoming an adult was the option of having companionship. I can completely understand missing that companionship but also having a hard time imagining it in your life again.
I think that commitment at 25 or 30 or more bs commitment after 50 Or 60 frequently looks very different - can and should!
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I completely understand what you’re saying. I’m 67 and was widowed this year. My husband said he didn’t want me to spend the rest of my life alone, but I also can’t imagine ever marrying again or living with someone. Of course some of that is because I’m not yet healed from his passing, but I’m also very practical and I just don’t want the issues that would come along with it. I’m thankful every day that I’m independent and capable of managing on my own.
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Sis and I are talking to Dad at 9:45 am tomorrow and LF at 3 pm. We strategized with each other and then the BK and advocate. The advocate told LF they might have to start limiting their trips to the coast, and LF said THAT wasn’t happening.
Just the additional caregiving cost alone on the trips comes to $346/day (above and beyond his usual daily costs). They’ve been going for six to eight days each trip. He’s also losing rental income each day. We will tell LF that if they don’t limit their trips, there very well might not be a condo to go to.
If LF gives me any pushback, my sister wants to tell her this is approaching elder abuse, because my dad is easily influenced now and is not making good decisions (he didn’t put on pants today when my sister brought over two of her friends who know Dad). If I have to, I’ll get an elder law attorney.
Oh, the caregivers go to Dad and LF complaining about things. Dad or LF will promise to pay them more or something, then they come tell the BK that “Dr MLHDad approved it!” So the new rule is that the advocate is the ONLY person the caregivers are allowed to talk to when issues come up. Bringing up financial issues with Dad will be grounds for dismissal (at the financial advisor’s insistence). Caregivers will also give all receipts to the BK. There are other new rules, too. I’m going to type up a list. The advocate will hold a meeting to explain everything, and we will ask each caregiver to sign the list of rules. The meeting will be recorded, too (I love the new recorders that transcribe everything, so cool).
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How do you feel about the elder abuse line of discussion?
It’s an absolute last resort. I’m really hoping not to go there. I’m hoping I can frame it positively - Dad’s in a bit of a financial crisis and we all need to pull together to look out for his best interests. My sister and I agreed we will tell him not to give us or our kids any gifts or cash. I really don’t think she has nefarious motives, she just thinks he’s wealthier than he is. Her response to us will be fascinating, though!
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It sounds like LF needs to sign these too!
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I’ve always said this. If I’m the survivor, I have no desire to meet another man’s needs, in any form. Done.
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I’m so very very sorry to hear that. Truly.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this observation. I’m certainly open to suggestions on how to break this cycle. Other than lecturing, blaming, or accusing mil for her lack of communication and her lack of carrying her weight in relationships, I don’t know what to do. I’m willing to listen to any and all ideas from you and others.
THIS. You are being a great DIL, but this is your DH’s mother. And he doesn’t seem to be involved in any of these communications (group chat, conversations with Friends, complaining from MIL, etc).
A long long time ago, I made the decision that my husband needed to deal with any issues with his mother…not me. The others married into the family are all doing the same. It made the siblings need to communicate together…or not…about whatever was going on with their mother.
I think it’s nice that you invite MIL to shopping and lunch…it sounds like that has been enjoyable for you. But as they say…the phone lines go in two directions.
And I think it’s weird that they made MILs friend pay for her own meal at the CCRC.
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@MaineLonghorn - hoping all discussions go well today and are not met with antagonism.
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ML
My father’s best friend went thru this. His g/f had plenty of $, but she loved spending friend’s $. When they stayed with my parents, they were appalled by her shopping plus doing nothing to help. In the house. Mom spoke to the daughter, and they did move him into a lovely independent living place in NY, near to them.
Personally, I would put her on an allowance, and have her send all receipts to the bookkeeper monthly. That would be annoying.
In my parent’s friend’s case, the g/f had plenty, but spent wildly. I don’t know if ML’s FA’s LF came from money or is being abusive.
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I think you were way ahead of your time in this regard. The one thing I tell young people (especially young women, because I think women are more prone to this) when they get married is not to do the emotional labor and take on all communication for their spouse’s family of origin. It is difficult to extricate oneself after a precedent has been established. I take full responsibility for having done that with my dh’s family.
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It’s never wrong to love and care for someone. And for you, losing your parents early in life and I think being an only child, his family probably became yours in a deeper way than many married couples.
You really can’t change who she is or has become. Or what she wants or doesn’t want. I guess you sort of have to operate on “no news is good news” when it comes to lack of communication with an elderly couple! I sort of feel your biggest issue in finding a healthy boundary is your SIL and MIL’s past friends/community. That is going to be a bigger network to control or bow out of.
Even if “we” are a little critical that comes with knowing that you have gone above and beyond in thinking and acting on issues with MIL and Bob. You can’t always control the results though!
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For some reason, my thought has been that your MIL was so inherently lonely/and or tired of doing everything herself (understanding that she had SIL and friends) that she chose to marry a near stranger and move cities away from her network. Could it be that after years of having to ultimately make every decision herself, there is a part of her that is glad to turn over the wheel and follow along? And that the reduced time with family/friends is a consequence and sacrifice she has willingly made to not be alone?
I’ve seen my incredibly strong mother worn down by ‘widowhood’ over a decade + and the relief when she used to come visit to just ride along and not be in charge. I think it can be draining, despite how full her life appeared from the outside.
You have shown remarkable patience with her HG, and I know her actions are hurtful. She seems to have made a bad pick. All you can do is reach out when you feel like it and be glad for any pleasant times you can have together. They are old enough that those will only get more limited.
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